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MORNINGS AT BOW STREET.

MORNINGS AT BOW STREET:

A Selection

OF THE MOST HUMOROUS AND ENTERTAINING REPORTS WHICH HAVE APPEARED IN THE "MORNING HERALD."

BY J. WIGHT, BOW-STREET REPORTER TO THE "MORNING HERALD."

WITH TWENTY-ONE ILLUSTRATIONS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

"They did gather humours of men dayly wherever they came." AUBREY MS.

LONDON: GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, THE BROADWAY, LUDGATE. NEW YORK: 416 BROOME STREET. 1875.

LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

ADVERTISEMENT TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION.

This volume consists of certain of those Bow Street Reports which have appeared from time to time, during the last three years, in the columns of the _Morning Herald_. The very favourable notice which they then met with from the public, has induced the author to select some of the most descriptive and amusing of them, and to present them here again, with some necessary enlargements and corrections, and in a somewhat more finished state than the rapid demands of a daily paper allowed.

In their present form, therefore, they assume the more permanent character which they have been thought to deserve; the convenience of the reader is consulted, and his imagination very effectively aided, by the Designs of Mr. George Cruikshank, whose rare comic pencil has been most successfully employed in illustrating them.

The chief quality of these little narratives is certainly "_pour faire rire_" in common with all other books of facetiae; but in some important respects they differ from books of that class, which for the most part consist of fancied and fictitious scenes and characters; and of humour concocted in the brain of the writer: for in the work now presented, the dramatis personae are actual existences, and the scenes real occurrences; affording specimens of our national humour which is perhaps to be found genuine only among the uncultivated classes of society. In copying these, the author's chief aim has been to preserve the character and spirit of his originals.

The reader is placed, without personal sacrifice, amidst the various and somewhat repulsive groups of a police office, and made acquainted with the states and conditions of human nature, with which, from the sympathy due to the more unfortunate part of the species, he should not be entirely ignorant; it is by such means alone that the prosperous and orderly portion of society can know what passes among the destitute and disorderly portion of it; that they can rightly appreciate the advantages they enjoy, and the value and importance of these particular institutions of their country.

It has been objected to this publication, that it perpetuates the ridicule and disgrace to which individuals have, in an unlucky moment, exposed themselves: to obviate this, great care has been taken that names, which are here unimportant, should be either totally omitted, or so altered as to prevent the possibility of discovery; personal satire being in no degree the object of this work;--the persons concerned have then only to keep their own counsel, to be perfectly unexposed to having their wounds opened afresh by means of this inoffensive, and, it is hoped, diverting volume.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

A COOL CONTRIVANCE 1

A COSTERMONGER'S QUERY 3

A TEA PARTY 3

PAT LANGHAM'S LOGIC 7

MANGLING AND MATRIMONY 9

BATTLE IN THE BOXES 13

A SPOILED QUADRILLE 17

OYSTER EATING 19

A WATCHMAN'S WALTZ 22

A LITTLE BIT OF A CAUTION 24

DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY 26

STREET ETIQUETTE 31

THE LOVES OF M'GILLIES AND JULIA COB 35

TIPSY JULIA 42

AN EVENING'S PLEASURE 42

A LAMPLIGHTER'S FUNERAL 47

LATE HOURS AND OYSTERS 49

SUPPING OUT 52

A GREAT MAN IN DISTRESS 57

MRS. WILLIAMS'S PETTICOAT 61

"INCHING IT BACKERT" 63

MR. HUMPHREY BRUMMEL AND TERENCE O'CONNOR 65

CUPID IN CHAMBERS 67

FLORENCE O'SHAUGHNESSY 69

CORINTHIANISM 73

A DEBT OF HONOUR 79

CHEAP DINING 82

THE GENTLEMAN AND HIS BOOTS 87

BEAUTY AND THE BROOMSTICK 92

THE COCKNEY AND THE CAPTAIN 96

JEMMY SULLIVAN 101

ONE OF THE FANCY 105

A SUNDAY'S RIDE 108

DISAPPOINTED LOVE 112

TOM CRIB AND THE COPPERSMITHS 115

SOLOMON AND DESDEMONA 118

A COACHMAN'S CONSCIENCE 121

DANCING DONAGHU 123

A MISS-ADVENTURE 126

THE WEDDING RING 129

FLAGELLATION _versus_ PHYSIC 133

TOM SAYERS 137

THE DUST WHOPPER AND THE WATERMAN 141

A GROWN GENTLEMAN 144

DRURY LANE MISSES 147

A SMALL TASTE OF JIMAKEY 149

A WHITE SERGEANT, OR PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT 153

THE COOK AND THE TAILOR 158

THE TWO AUTHORS 164

A BOLD STROKE FOR A SUPPER 167

CUPBOARD LOVE 171

LOVE IN CHANCERY 173

KITTY KAVANAGH 181

FRENCH AND ENGLISH MIXTURE 184

UNREQUITED LOVE 187

A DUN AT SUPPER TIME 191

THE CANTAB AND THE TURKS 195

JOHN BROWN 198

JOHN SAUNDERS ON HORSEBACK: A NARRATIVE 203

'PON MY HONOUR IT'S TRUE 209

BEER--NOT BODIES 212

MOLLY LOWE 216

A WEARY BENEDICT 224

THE GOLDSMITH AND THE TAILOR 227

THE RAPE OF THE WIG 230

A BRUMMYJUM OUTRIDER 232

PAT CRAWLEY'S MULE 235

THE TEMPLAR AND THE COOK 238

A HAGGLING CUSTOMER 243

STEALING EX-OFFICIO 245

A DISTRESSED FATHER 246

SORROWS OF THE SULLIVANS 253

"WHERE SHALL I SLEEP?" 258

BEEF VALOUR 261

JEMMY LENNAM AND THE JEW 266

WOLF _versus_ WELLDONE 268

MR. O'FLINN AND HIS FRIEND'S MISTRESS 273

JONAS TUNKS 277

MISS HANNAH MARIA JULIANA SHUM AND HER BEAU 282

ROEBUCK _versus_ CLANCEY 286

PIG WIT 288

AN IRISH TAILOR 294

BOX-LOBBY LOUNGERS 298

IRISH GALLANTRY 302

ILLUSTRATIONS

DESIGNED BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

ENGRAVED BY PAGE

FRONTISPIECE _G. Cruikshank_

A COOL CONTRIVANCE _J. Thompson_ 1

VIGNETTE TO DITTO _Ditto_ 2

MR. ROBERT M'GILLIES _H. White_ 38

VIGNETTE TO DITTO _R. Branston_ 41

SUPPING OUT _Ditto_ 52

DITTO _Ditto_ 53

BUNDLING UP _W. Hughes_ 55

CHEAP DINING _R. Branston_ 84

DITTO _J. Thompson_ 85

TOM CRIB AND THE COPPERSMITH _R. Branston_ 116

VIGNETTE TO DITTO _Ditto_ 117

PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT _W. Hughes_ 155

DITTO _Ditto_ 159

A DUN AT SUPPER TIME _R. Branston_ 193

MOLLY LOWE _J. Thompson_ 220

VIGNETTE TO DITTO _Ditto_ 224

DISTRESSED FATHER _R. Branston_ 247

DITTO _J. Thompson_ 249

JONAS TUNKS _W. Hughes_ 280

PIG WIT _J. Thompson_ 292

VIGNETTE TO DITTO _W. Hughes_ 294

MORNINGS AT BOW STREET.

A COOL CONTRIVANCE.

One fine summer's morning, a short, dumpy, sunburnt, orange and purple-faced old man--topped with a clean white night-cap, was brought before the magistrate by an officer, who had just found him trudging through the Mall in St. James's Park, with his breeches on a stick over his shoulder, instead of in their natural and proper place. "This comical fad of his, please your worship," said the officer, "frightened the ladies out of their wits, and made such a hubbub among the young blackguards, that I thought it my duty to take him into custody; but he kicked and sprunted at such a rate, that it was as much as two or three of us could do to get his breeches on again."

"Why do you walk without your breeches, my honest friend?" said the magistrate, in a tone of kind expostulation.[1] "Because I was so hot that I was determined not to be bothered with breeches any longer!" replied the queer old man--twinkling his little deep-set French-grey eyes, and sending forth a long-drawn sultry sigh.

The magistrate asked him something of his history; to which he replied, that he was born at Great Marlow, in Buckinghamshire, where his father was a small farmer. "There was a rare lot of us young ones," said he, "running about the lanes, and paddling in the cool green ponds, like so many goslings. For myself, I was made a shoemaker of, by a gentleman who thought me too pretty for a plough-boy: and so I've been making shoes in London these last forty years; but latterly I'm always so hot and dry, that I can make no more shoes, not I, and I'll take to the fields again."

His worship was of opinion that the poor fellow's wits were wandering, and ordered that he should be taken care of in Tothill-field's Bridewell, until his parish could be ascertained.

A COSTERMONGER'S QUERY.

A person, who called himself a "master costermonger," having, with some difficulty, obtained access to the table, made his best bow to the magistrate, and said, "Please your _vurship_, vaut am I to do about my _bitch_?"

"About _what_?" said his worship.

"About my bitch, vaut I lost four months ago, your vurship. I lost her in pup, and I knows the man vaut's fun her, and now she's pupp'd six pups, and says he to me, says he, 'You shall either have the bitch vithout the pups, or the pups vithout the bitch; an if so be as you don't like that, you shan't have neither of 'em'--and so vaut am I to do, your vurship?"

"Why go along and mind your business," replied his worship--and the master costermonger retired from court without having taken anything by his motion.

A TEA PARTY.

Joseph Arnold, Esq., of Duck-lane, Westminster, a retired hackney-coachman, better known by the title of "the Rough Diamond," and as the intimate friend of Bill Gibbons, Esq. P.C. Com. Gen. was brought before the sitting magistrate under the following awkward circumstances:--

Mr. Peter Guy, who is a tailor[2] (by _trade_), and Mrs. Peter Guy, were invited to tea by the accomplished hostess of the Russian Hotel in Bow-street. Mr. Joseph Arnold, Mr. Joseph Arnold's housekeeper, and several other ladies and gentlemen, were of the party. There was toast and prime Dorset, and muffins and crumpets, with Gunpowder and Bohea for the ladies; and pig's-face, red-herrings, and hot coffee for the gentlemen; in short, there was everything quite genteel and comfortable. Now it so happened that Mr. Peter Guy wore a white-poodle[3] upper benjamin, of his own make, on the occasion, and this unfortunate dress upset the comfort of the whole party. Mr. Joseph Arnold first observed, that Mr. Peter Guy's poodle-benjamin was as pretty a bit of toggery[4] as ever he _seed_. All the company agreed to this, except one lady (Mrs. Jonathan Guy), who remarked that it looked rather too warm-like and smothery for fireside wear. Mr. Joseph Arnold observed it warn't a morsel too warm for those as had any gumption[5] in 'em; and he offered to bet a shilling that he could get it on, if so be as Mr. Peter Guy would be kind enough to peel.[6] There was not a lady in company who did not laugh out-right at this proposition, because Mr. Joseph Arnold is a large round man, upwards of six feet high, and Mr. Peter Guy, as one of the ladies very justly observed, is a little hop-o'-my-thumb chap, not much above half as big. Mr. J. Arnold, however, swore by _goles_ (a favourite oath of his) that he would not flinch from his bet; and at length Mr. Peter Guy took him at his word, the stakes were deposited, and Mr. Peter Guy having slipped out of his benjamin, Mr. Joseph Arnold squeezed himself into it, without a vast deal of trouble; though, when it was on, the sleeves did not reach much below his elbows. Mr. Peter Guy readily admitted that he was done,[7] and requested his benjamin again; but Mr. Joseph Arnold refused to restore it, observing, that it was a prime fit, and he would give it a turn among the swells in Duck-lane. The ladies remonstrated, the gentlemen laughed, the noise ran high; the tea tables were hurried away, and the crumpets were upset among the ashes. But it was all of no use; Mr. Joseph Arnold swore the toggery was too good for a _tailor_, and he would keep it for himself; and so saying, he sallied forth and strutted up and down Bow-street for nearly two hours, till at length the patience of Mr. Peter Guy became exhausted, and he gave him in charge to an officer, who carried him before the magistrate.

His worship having first ordered Mr. Joseph Arnold to be placed at the bar, asked him what he had to say for himself?

He replied that he did not feel himself a bit disgraced by being placed in that 'ere bar, being as how he was well known to Mr. White and Mr. Markland, the magistrates at Queen-square, and to all the inhabitants of Duck-lane, as an honest man, and one that was as well-to-do in the world, as any man who was no better off than himself. And as to the benjamin there was such a bother about, he had got it on by the free consent of the owner, and he would keep it on long enough, unless the owner stood a drop of summut short.[8]

"If that's the case, Sir," observed the magistrate, "I shall instantly commit you for the robbery."

This seemed to have a considerable effect upon Mr. Joseph Arnold, for he instantly, though slowly, began to peel: and having so done, he handed the benjamin over the bar, sulkily observing, "This comes of keeping company with _tailors_, your worship, and I can't say but it sarves me right. Howsomever, he mought have had it before, if he had not been so d----d tall and consequential about it."

Mr. Peter Guy thanked the magistrate for his kind interposition, and the parties withdrew.

PAT LANGHAM'S LOGIC.

Mr. Patrick Langham was charged with having assaulted Mrs. Bridget Finnagen, by _spitting_ in her face.

His worship told him he was a dirty fellow, and asked him what he could say in excuse for such an unmanly and disgusting trick.

"Well, your honour," replied Patrick, "I should not have done it by no _manes_, but she put her nose in the mouth of me."

"Nonsense, man! How could she put her nose in your mouth?"

"Well, your honour, she did that same, any how; an I can bring a witness to the fore that'll testify to your honour."

The magistrate told him he did not believe him. Mrs. Bridget Finnagen said it was a _grate_ lie invented by Patrick to bring shame upon her--the mother-in-law to the brother of him, and _oun_ mother to four children--barrin one that's dead.

Patrick persisted in his nose story, and being desired to show the manner of it, he placed himself in the attitude of a scolding woman--with chin poked out, and arms a-kimbo.

"Why, you foolish fellow," observed the magistrate, "you mean that she put her nose in your _face_--not mouth."

"Your honour'll call it what ye plase," replied Patrick, "but me _mouth's_ in me _face_ any how; and so me _face_ and me _mouth's_ all one, your honour, in that shape."

His worship could not but smile at this explanation of the matter, and told Mrs. Bridget Finnagen that he thought Patrick was a harmless fellow, who would conduct himself better in future if she would forgive him his past offences.

Mrs. Bridget Finnagen, however, refused to be pacified; she implored his worship "to bind him down to the law," and declared that upon one occasion lately, he told her if it was not for the law, he would put all the teeth in her head into her stomach; but as Patrick declared he had no ill-blood to the _cratur_, and promised never to molest her again, the magistrate dismissed the complaint.

MANGLING AND MATRIMONY.

Mr. Thomas Turner was brought before the magistrate on a peace warrant, issued at the suit of his wife, Mrs. Eleanor Turner. There was a world of arguments _pro._ and _con._; but we must content ourselves with a simple narrative of the principal facts.

Mr. and Mrs. Turner were married in September last, at which time he was not much more than seventy-three years old; and she was only fifty-six, the very day they went to church; consequently their experience was not so great as it might have been, had they been older. Nevertheless, they managed to get over the first six weeks, as Mr. Turner said, "pretty tightish." But after that time, his business began to fall off; and then Mrs. Turner, who was by profession a _mangler_, insisted on his turning the wheel of her mangle for her. Well, he did turn it; and turn it, and turn it, again and again, from six o'clock in the morning till nine at night; and if he did not turn it fast enough, Mrs. Turner boxed his ears; and often, when she had boxed his ears till fire flashed from his eyes, as it were, she would tell him, "though he was a turner by name, he was a poor turner by nature." On the other hand, Mrs. Turner alleged that he had "married her out of a kitchen, _what_ she had lived in eleven long years;" that she had brought him as excellent a character as any man could desire; that she thought she could have done as well with him as she could with a man of twenty or twenty-five years old, but that she was sadly disappointed: for though she found him good for nothing in the world but to turn her mangle, he refused even to do that; or, if he did do it, he did it clumsily, and with grumbling; and he often left off doing it to beat her. Moreover, he had latterly threatened to sell her mangling apparatus; and, because she begged of him not to sell it--as his doing so would be their ruin--he "kicked her _shins_ till they were all manner of colours."

The magistrate asked Mr. Turner what he had to say to this last part of the business.

He said, with his worship's permission, he would tell him.--"He had often promised Mrs. Turner, that he would make her a handsome present at Whitsuntide, if she would only keep her fingers to herself; and as Whitsuntide was now fast approaching, he went out one Monday evening and _spouted_[9] his watch, to raise funds for that purpose. With the funds so raised, he purchased a spick-and-span new straw bonnet, with ribbons all up a-top of it, quite beautiful to see--so beautiful, indeed, that the ribbons alone cost him a clear five shillings. And with this bonnet, so beautiful, he went home, rejoicing in his heart to think how pleased Mrs. Turner would be, and how happy they should live--for a _fortnight_ at the very least. But he was mistaken. When he got home, he uncovered the bonnet, and, placing it on his hand, he held it up before her, nothing doubting but that she would be delighted at the sight of it; and he had no sooner done this, than she snatched it from his hand, and threw it on the ground, trampled its beautiful ribbons under her angry feet; and, seizing him by the _scuff_ of his neck she bent him down towards the floor, whilst she pummelled him about the head and shoulders, till his very ears sung again. In this dilemma, he had nothing left for it but to kick backwards--_donkey_-fashion as he called it; and it was by the kicks so given in his own defence, that Mrs. Turner's legs were discoloured."

When Mr. Turner came to this part of his description, in order to show his worship more particularly the manner of his kicking, he kicked out behind with all his might, and in so doing he kicked an officer on the leg with such violence, that the poor fellow was obliged to go limping to a seat, and sit rubbing his shin for half an hour after.

Mrs. Turner strenuously denied having pummelled her husband in the way stated, or in any other way; and eventually he was ordered to find sureties to keep the peace towards her and all the king's subjects.

BATTLE IN THE BOXES.

Among the watch-house _detenus_ brought before the magistrates one morning, to answer for misdoings on the preceding night, there was a little, fat, round, well-dressed, comfortable-looking personage, named ----; but his name can be of no interest to the public, as the offence laid to his charge amounted only to an assault and battery, caused by the boiling over of his anger at a supposed invasion of his right and title to a particular seat in one of the boxes at the English opera--he having set his heart upon that identical seat from the very beginning of the evening.

His opponent was a young gentleman named Dakins--a thin, genteel youth, solemn and sententious in delivery, far above his years, and backed by a host of friends. There was a world of oratory displayed on both sides; but we have no room to report it: all we can do is, to give a bare narrative of the facts.