Chapter 2

an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand."

The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be a door-keeper in the house of the Lord?"

"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while the sermon was being preached."

"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sunday sermon," says the _Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune_.

"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, it is not necessary to be eternal."

The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how well you do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true in families.

A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from New York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host had delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one of the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of your father's sermon?"

"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mighty fine places where he could have stopped."

_See also_ Clergy.

PREJUDICE

Prejudice means "judging before" you have the facts. Never judge till after you have the facts. Nothing is so utterly devoid of reason as a passionate hatred of any race or class. All men are much the same when you come to know them. Class or race faults are superficial. The human qualities strike deep.--_Dr. Frank Crane_.

A prejudice is a conviction not shared by you.

"Do you like codfish?"

"No, I don't like codfish, and I'm glad I don't like it, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I hate the damn stuff."

PREPAREDNESS

GRUBBS--"Are you planning to make any good resolutions?"

STUBBS--"No, I am already pretty well stocked up in that way. You see, I never used those I made last year."

PRESCRIPTIONS

"You must give up coffee and--"

"I never drink it, doctor."

"And stop smoking."

"I don't smoke."

"Humph! that's bad. If you haven't anything to give up, I'm afraid I can't do much for you."

"Why do you bring a check with the cocktails?"

"That isn't a check. That's the house chemist's certificate."

The curator of the museum was classifying Egyptian curios. He observed a perplexed expression on the face of his young assistant.

"What seems to be the matter, Jones?" he asked. "Is there anything you don't understand?"

"Yes, sir," answered the helper. "Here is a papyrus on which the characters are so badly traced that they are indecipherable. How shall I classify it?"

"Let me see," said the curator, examining the piece. "Just call it a doctor's prescription in the time of Pharaoh."

Spirit writing--the modern doctor's prescription--_Life_.

_See also_ Names, Personal.

PRETENSION

Pretension is a kind of velvet cloak I wear to hide my real self from view, And yet where'er I meet with other folk I always find they wear this garment too.

Pretension is a kind of golden veil Behind whose mesh I seek to hide my face, And yet where'er I go I never fail To see that others wear it too with grace.

Pretension is a thing I say I hate In both myself and in my dearest friend, And yet whene'er I slyly watch and wait I find in some regard we all pretend.

--_Ernest Powell_.

Where there is much pretension, much has been borrowed: Nature never pretends.--_Lavater_.

When half-gods go, the gods arrive.--_Emerson_.

PRICES

"Have any trouble in getting your money back?"

"Not a bit," replied the dissatisfied purchaser. "But I got the worst of it, as usual. The price of the article had jumped so by the time I got back to the store that they made a profit by getting it in stock again."

Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for Jean to go to the hospital, her mother said:

"I will make a bargain with you, Jean. If you will be a brave little girl about your operation, you shall have the nicest kitten I can find."

Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under the anesthetic, she realized how very wretched she felt. The nurse leaned over to catch her first spoken word.

"What a bum way to get a cat!" moaned the child.--_Harper's_.

The most cheerful sign is that counterfeiters are again finding it worth while to make money.

PRIDE

Randolph Bourne, a brilliant American writer who recently died, left many thoughts that stand out like cut diamonds. Here is one: "Only Pride is creation."

Pride forms one of the towering pillars in the structure of efficient performance.

Not until you feel the worth of what you do, are you able freely to dominate and achieve. Through the hard days of darkness and discouragement, up and beyond the gruelling grades of steep ways, are you asked to go if you desire substantial reward. It takes pride to endure.

It is pride in a man's heart that makes him a willing gift, in mind and body, to be taken in hand by some great idea or noble cause.

Pride does not stoop to littleness. Rather does it see in the signs of unselfishness and sacrifice the elements that lead to eternal character.

Life is but a link in the chain of everlasting good.

If a man dies, does lie live again? Yes, for a man lives forever in the deeds and thoughts of his life expression. And every man who shall pass his thought through every age that has been, shall be whitened and renewed, to go on his way the better for every creative thought left behind.

It's the pride in a man's soul that leads him on!

Pride creates first--then contributes in natural turn.

Until we become too proud to stoop to mean ways and unworthy ends, we shall have tasted of but a sample of what life holds in substance and bigness.--_George Matthew Adams_.

To acknowledge our faults when we are blamed is modesty; to discover them to one's friends in ingenuousness, is confidence; but to preach them to all the world, if one does not take care, is pride.--_Confucius_.

PRINTERS

Some of the finest jokes extant come through the fact that the printer's finger slips. Here are some which, like all others, are funny a long, long, long time afterward--never at the time.

A Chicago paper reported that the propeller _Alaska_ was leaving port with a cargo of 40,000 bushels of cats.

A Buffalo paper, in describing the scene when Roosevelt took the oath of office as President, said it was a spectacle never to be forgotten when Roosevelt, before the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and a few witnesses, took his simple bath.

PRISONS

BILL--"I see the authorities seriously object to the prisoners forging checks while in Sing Sing."

TILL--"Well, I suppose they think it is particularly bad form for the prisoners to do that sort of thing while enjoying the hospitality of the State."

VISTOR (at the jail)--"Poor man! What are you locked up here for?"

PRISONER (wearily)--"I suppose they think I'd get out if I wasn't."

PROFANITY

When father came home to dinner he observed a vacant chair at the table. "Where's the boy?" he asked, nodding to the chair.

"Harry is up-stairs," came in a tone of painful precision from the mother.

"I hope he is not sick."

There was an anxious pause. "No, he is not sick," continued the mother. "It grieves me to say, Richard, that our son, your son, has been heard swearing on the street. I heard him myself."

"Swearing!" exclaimed the father. "I'll teach him to swear!"

And with that the angry parent started up-stairs in the dark. Half-way up he stumbled and came down with his chin on the top step.

When the confusion had subsided Harry's mother was heard saying from the hallway: "That will do, Richard, dear. You have given him enough for one lesson."

Sometime ago a pious young clerical prevailed on a rather profane aviator to take him for a flight. After attaining several thousand feet the motor suddenly stopped, revealing to the uttermost the aviator's gift of profanity.

The alarmed pastor excitedly demanded if there was any danger. The pilot replied sarcastically that there would be prayer instead of profanity if there was any danger.

The motor "cut in" again and the flight continued. Suddenly the motor stopped again and notwithstanding the pilot's efforts, accompanied by the usual lurid language, he was forced to alight. Just as he flattened out for his landing, the pilot was disconcerted by hearing the parson exclaim in fervid tones: "Thank God the aviator is still swearing."

Small Ann's mother had been disturbed to hear her using the word "devil." "My dear," said she, "that is a word we do _not_ use in polite society, and I never want to hear you say it again."

She noticed that her admonition was carefully heeded. Then on Sunday evening, about two weeks later, the mother inquired what the day's lesson had been about. "Why, mother," was Ann's answer, "it was about when our Lord was tempted by the--by--by--the--the _gentleman that keeps hell!_"

Young William was evincing much interest in the evening paper, but finally a puzzled look came over his countenance.

"Mother," said he, finally, "what does D--d stand for?"

"Doctor of Divinity, my son. Don't they teach you the common abbreviations in school?"

"Sure; but that don't seem to sound right here."

"Read it out aloud."

"WITNESS: I heard the defendant say, I'll make you suffer for this. I'll be doctor of divinity if I don't!'"

"Say, Sam, why do you-all carry that parrot around with you on the wagon?"

"Well, yo' see, boss, I'se a membah of the chu'ch, but de mule ain't, so I hauls the pa'ot to fu'nish the cussin' fo' de mule."

FATHER--"I'm ashamed to see you crying because a bee stung you. Act like a man."

BOBBIE--"Y-yes, and th-then you-you'd gim-me a li-lickin', like you s-said y-you would i-if yon ever h-heard m-me usin' that k-kind of l-language."

PROFESSIONS

An ambitious young man went to a university professor and said: "Sir, I desire a course of training which will fit me to become the superintendent of a great railway system. How much will such a course cost, and how long will it take?"

"Young man," replied the professor, "such a course would cost you twenty thousand dollars, and require twenty years of your time. But, on the other hand, by spending three hundred dollars of your money and three months of your time you may be elected to Congress. Once there you will feel yourself competent to direct not one but all the great railroad systems of our country."

The reform warden always made it a point to give each new arrival a chance to do the work with which he was familiar, if the penitentiary dealt in his line. A tailor named Levinski arrived, and it was ordered that he be employed at that trade, if there was an opening. There wasn't. He was asked if he was adept at anything else. "Yes," he replied, with a smile, "I am a crackerjack traveling salesman."

PROFITEERS

The wicked garage-keeper was trying to figure out his income tax.

"If a man brings his car to me to be repaired, and it costs me sixty cents, and I charge him sixteen dollars, what per cent profit would I be making?" he demanded of his son and heir.

"I'm sure I don't know, pop," answered that young hopeful. "You'll have to get somebody who knows the rules of grand larceny to tell you that. The rules for percentage wouldn't cover it!"

"Say, Cy, I jest found out what a rube is."

"Thet so, Hiram? What is it?"

"Why, it's one o' them forty-one hour, ninety-five dollar a week labor guys that thinks a farmer is goin' to sell him food cheap."

Old Omar doubtless had us in mind when he spoke of the profit's paradise to come.

Another reason why pickpockets seem to be on the increase may be because profiteering isn't what it was a few months ago.

PROGRESS

I was explaining the other day, to a member of our organization, that there was no such thing as "standing still" in this world--that we lost ground immediately we ceased to make progress. Quick as a flash he put my thought in a few words when he remarked, "We're either coming or going." That's it exactly. When we do not improve, learn, develop old ideas or find new ones--we go backwards. And you and I know how fast we go, when there's no driving power to keep us going forward.--_E. M. Statler_.

"No, sah, Ah doan't neber ride on dem things," said an old colored lady looking in on the merry-go-round. "Why, de other day I seen dat Rastus Johnson git on an' ride as much as a dollah's worth an' git off at the very same place he got on at, an' I sez to him, 'Rastus,' I sez, 'yo' spent yo' money, but whar yo' been?'"

Beneath this starry arch, Naught resteth or is still; But all things hold their march As if by one great will. Move one, move all: Hark to the footfall! On, on, forever.

--_Harriet Martineau_.

PROHIBITION

A bone-dry nation means a life full of sorrows without any chance of drowning them.

_Classic Thoughts on Prohibition_

I love fools' experiments.--_Darwin_. The rising world of waters dark and deep.--_Milton_. Earth a failure, God-forsaken, Ante-room of Hell!--_Kingsley_. If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.--_Shakespeare_. The law is a ass, a idiot.--_Dickens_. Lean, hungry, savage anti-everythings.--_Holmes_. The remedy is worse than the disease.--_Bacon_. O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts. And men have lost their reason.--_Shakespeare_. Drink today, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do't tomorrow.--_Fletcher_. The Hell of waters!--_Byron_. The frigid theories of a generalizing age.--_Disraeli_. O, happy, happy Liver!--_Wordsworth_.

--_E.H._

"Do you think there's a chance of prohibition's being repealed, after all?"

"I hope not," answered Uncle Bill Bottletop; "anyhow, not soon."

"I thought you didn't quite approve of prohibition."

"I don't, quite. But for years folks have been talking about a lot o' chaps that 'ud be such wonders if they didn't drink, an' I want to see 'em get a little more time to make good."

"It is indeed a pleasure," remarked the man who approves of prohibition, "to be able to walk the streets without seeing a saloon on every corner."

"And yet," returned the unregenerate one, "it's a great comfort to know they are there, even if you don't see them."

Prohibition doesn't prohibit; it just provokes.

"Mamma, what does it mean when you're wined and dined?"

"That's an obsolete term, Harold. Now you are only grape-juiced and cornbreaded."

"This Prohibition outlook is a trifle expensive."

"How so?"

"Why, I've just had to build an addition to my wine cellar."

"Well," said the first clubman, "we may have to drink water pretty soon."

"Water?"

"Yes, that's the stuff the waiter brings you with your napkin."

_When It Comes_ _We Shall Miss_

That appointment with an old business acquaintance. Calendars from our favorite brewery. Blotters from same. Reunion dinners. (a) College. (b) Fraternity. Scientific dissertations on the only non-refillable bottle. Stories about how Broadway spent New Year's eve. The real mint julep. The 5:15--without being unjustly accused.

_We Shall Not Miss_

Sermons against rum. Sermons against Prohibition. The free lunch. The Southern gentleman who says he's the only man who can make the real mint julep. German beer gardens. The man who never drinks without offering a toast. New Year's eve on Broadway. Comic-opera drinking songs. A vote on the next Constitutional amendment.

BLUCK--"Why do vessels leaving New York make the greatest speed the first three miles?"

BLYNK--"The bartenders help stoke."

"Do you find that prohibition has deprest Crimson Gulch?"

"No," answered Cactus Joe. "We're more cheerful than usual. Everybody seems to think it's a great joke on all the rest of the boys."

"_Going Up_"

SMITH--"Do you realize that we are beholding the completion of a great cycle in history?"

JONES--"Explain."

"Three hundred and six years ago the island of Manhattan was bought from the Indians for six quarts of whisky."

"Well?"

"Well?--Within six months, maybe, the descendants of those Indians will be able to buy it back for the same price."

I, U.S. Boose, realizing that the jag is up, declare this to be my last will and testament: To my beloved Cocktail I bequeath three-fourths of my evil estate, and to my faithful Highball I leave a large share of the blame. To my sister, Wine, I give the family grapevine and kitchen still. To my cousin, Cider, I bequeath the old apple orchard and enough wormy fruit to keep the country moist and my memory green.

"So you're a moonshiner?" remarked the interested tourist. The lanky mountaineer drew himself up haughtily.

"Mister, you got me wrong," he asserted. "Since prohibition come in we-uns call ourselves irrigation engineers."

_Discovery_

I met a man Who knows a woman Who has a sister Who is married to a man Who is related to a girl Who knows a man Who knows a man Who has never pulled a prohibition joke. I shall try to trace him.

And when the nations disarm, some statesman will slip in a joker permitting the building of battleships for medicinal purposes.

A drunkard of long standing has been reformed by an operation which removed a bone that pressed against the brain. The Detroit News also reports a number of cures effected by the removal of a brass rail that was pressing against the foot.

"Having any success with your garden?"

"The best ever," replied Mr. Jagsby.

"What are you raising?"

"Nothing. But if I hadn't had a row with one of my new neighbors over his chickens and then a reconciliation I might not have discovered that he had a well-stocked cellar."

PROMOTERS

The man who was selling oil stock was asked if there were any indications of oil where his company was drilling.

"Indications!" he said. "Why, I should say so. We have three thousand acres leased, have a standard rig up, have three hundred feet of casing on the ground and more ordered, have our company organized and incorporated and a million shares of stock printed, have opened offices in three cities, have two hundred people selling stock, are only forty miles from a pipe line, and there was no oil found in those other wells about there, so it must be in our well. Oh, we have plenty of indications. How many shares do you want?"

"Pop, what is a promoter?"

"A promoter, my son, is a man who can make either a dollar or a penny look like thirty cents."--_Life_.

PROMPTNESS

On the occasion of the death of a chief of one of the department bureaus in Washington, a clerk in that bureau was dashing madly down the street when he was stopped by a friend, who asked: "Why the deuce are you in such a tearing hurry?"

"I am going," explained the clerk, "to the funeral of my chief, and there is nothing he hates like unpunctuality."

"I'm sorry to find the baroness out. Don't forget to tell her I called, will you?"

"No, sir, I'll tell her at once."

PRONUNCIATION

"Wasn't it _fearful_ about the Reims cathedral?"

"Don't say Reems; it sounds _horribly_ ignorant."

"Well, how do you pronounce it?"

"Why, _Hranss_."

_"How?"_

"Hn--Hranhss! Just as if you were clearing your throat. See? Hranss!"

"Well, _you_ sound as if you had a dreadful influenza, threatened with grip!"

"Well, that's right, anyhow. H--hn--hnh--_hrahnhss_!"

"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll _never_ get well here! I don't believe you, anyway. Everybody says _Reems_."

"They don't, either!"

"They do so!"

"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you associate with--"

"Well, I _don't_ go with a lot of fake highbrows, anxious to show off the French they learned in a course of lessons by mail--"

"Better than a lot of country junks who don't know how to pronounce--"

"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow."

"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like my hat?"

"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?"

"Adorable! Let's go in and have soda."

"Let's."--_Carolyn Wells_.

PROPERTY

"Property is the fruit of labor; property is desirable; is a positive good in the world. That some should be rich shows that others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built."--_Abraham Lincoln_.

PROPOSALS

"No," said the positive girl, "I will never tie myself down to one man."

"Perhaps," he replied sarcastically, "if I organize a syndicate you will consider our offer."

MERCHANT (to applicant for job)--"Sorry, but I only employ married men."

APPLICANT-"Do you happen to have a daughter, sir?"

"I love you! I love you!" he murmured for the nineteenth time. "Speak! Answer me!"

The maiden coyly hung her head.

"I--oh, Tom, this is so sudden!" she pleaded.

He drew her close to him.

"Don't be afraid, darling!" he said gently. "Would you like me to ask your mother first?"

With a sudden cry of alarm she threw her arms around his neck.

"No, no!" she gasped. "Mother is a widow. I want you myself!"

"Yes, she rejected me, but she did it in a most encouraging way."

"How was that?"

"As I went away, she pointed to the footprints that I had made on the carpet, and said: 'The next time you come to propose to me, I want you to wipe your shoes clean!'"

Long had he worshipped her at a distance, but his shyness prevented him from proposing. Then, one evening, for the sake of sweet charity, a theatrical performance took place, in which the charmer was leading lady and more adorable than ever. Afterward the shy admirer drew near, his love made valiant by the sight of her beauty. "You are the star of the evening," he said as they stood alone in a corner.

"You are the first to tell me so," said the damsel with a happy blush.

"Then," he retorted promptly, "may I not claim my reward as an astronomer?"

The lady looked puzzled. "What reward?" she asked.

"Why, the right to give my name to the star I have discovered!"

"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of her young man.

"Very much indeed," replied the youth.

"Can you support a family?"

The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are there of you, sir?"

FRANK--"When you proposed to her I suppose she said: 'This is so sudden?'"

ERNEST--"No, she was honest and said: 'This suspense has been terrible.'"

One evening some time since John Henry called on the darling of his heart, and while talking to the fair one he casually referred to some of the hardships of the present day.

"I see, Gladys," he remarked, "that the price of coal has gone up again, and that it is hard to get at any price."

"Has it?" responded Gladys, without showing any great concern.

"Yes," answered John Henry, "and they say they are also advancing house rents, while sugar--"

"Look here, John Henry!" suddenly interjected the fair one, with a withering expression. "If you want to break off our engagement, say so, but don't try to beat around the bush in such a cowardly way."

"Will you have me for your wife?" said the leap-year maiden, sweetly.

"Since you have suggested it, I will," he replied. "But just remember, Mame, if I don't turn out to be all you expect you have only yourself to blame."

The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial bachelor on his reasons for remaining single.

"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love," he meditated. "I was more what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance; I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I screwed up my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married.'

"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have us!'"--_Everybody's_.

HE (cautiously)--"Would you say 'Yes' if I asked you to marry me?"

SHE (still more cautiously)--"Would you ask me to marry you if I said I would say 'Yes' if you asked me to marry you?"

"Congratulate me, Freddy. Last night your sister promised to marry me."

"Oh, she promised mother she'd marry you long ago."--_Life_.

HE-"I called to see your father this afternoon."

SHE (fluttering visibly)-"Oh, did you?"

HE--"Yes; he has been owing our firm a little bill for some time."

"So you want to marry my daughter," said Mr. Cumrox.

"Yes," replied the young man. "I hope to hear you say take her and be happy!"

"No, sir. I'm not going to shoulder any implied responsibilities. All I am going to say is 'take her.'"

HARRY--"Marry me and your smallest wishes will always be fulfilled."

CARRIE--"I am able to do that myself. What I want is a man who will gratify my biggest wishes."

"I was speaking with your father last night," he said at last, somewhat inanely.

"Oh, were you?" answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes. "Er--what were you--er--talking about?"

"About the war in Europe. Your father said that he hoped the fighting would soon be over."

The sweet young thing smiled.

"Yes," she remarked. "I know he's very much opposed to long engagements."

PROSPERITY

For some people half the battle consists in looking prosperous; the other half, in getting credit on the strength of such prosperity.

PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT

We all "ketch" 'em at the psychological moment:

The doctor, when they think they are going to die.

The lawyer, when they think they are going to be sent to jail.

The dentist, when they think a tooth is going to blow off their heads.

The tax collector, when they think they are going to be sold out.

The garage man, when they think they are going to have a blow-out.

The captain, when they think the major is on their trail.

The undertaker, when they don't think any more!

PSYCHOLOGY

"Father," said the small boy, "what is psychology?"

"Psychology, my son, is a word of four syllables that you ring in to distract attention when the explaining gets difficult."

A small boy seated on the curb by a telephone-pole, with a tin can by his side, attracted the attention of an old gentleman who happened to be passing.

"Going fishing?" he inquired, good-naturedly.

"Nope," the youngster replied. "Take a peek in there."

An investigation showed the can to be partly filled with caterpillars of the tussock moth.

"What in the world are you doing with them?"

"They crawl up trees and eat off the leaves."

"So I understand."

"Well, I'm fooling a few of them."

"How?"

"Sending 'em up this telephone-pole."--_Judge_.

PUBLIC, THE

What the country needs is not a phonographic record to preserve a candidate's voice, but something to preserve what's left of the voice of the people.

_The Ultimate Victim_

When capital wants extra gains. On profits tightens all the reins, Who has to suffer all the pains? The public.

When labor gets dissatisfied, And would conditions override, Who gets submerged beneath the tide? The public.

When strikes put up the price of food, And each side holds firm attitude, Who always has to make loss good? The public.

When street-cars cease to run, and balk At all conciliation talk, Who has to pay the freight and walk? The public.

When managers and actors fight And theaters are closed at night, Who sees amusement out of sight? The public.

Who in disputes which rise each day, Is not permitted any say, But always loses either way? The public.

The public! the public! How many fools does it take to make up a public?--_Chamfort_.

PUBLIC SCHOOLS

At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, in his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is: The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraid of the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the children are afraid of nobody!"

PUBLIC SPEAKERS

A captain in the merchant marine who received much commendation for his wonderful courage and endurance during the war was asked to address a meeting in the West. Ex-President Taft spoke first and at considerable length, and when he had finished the audience rose, almost to a man, to leave the building. The chairman sprang to his feet, rushed to the edge of the platform, and called excitedly: "Come back and take your seats. Come back, every one of you! This man went through hell for us during the war, and it is up to us now to do the same for him."

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the chairman of the evening, "in a few minutes I shall introduce the gentleman who is to address you. It is not my function to deliver a speech at this time, but I shall just use up five or ten minutes so that you may know how good a speech you would have had to listen to were I the speaker and he the chairman."

"Have you ever taken a tail-spin in an airplane?"

"No, but I've been called upon unexpectedly to make a speech, and I guess the sensation is about the same."

"It must break the theme of your lecture to be interrupted by your audience."

"The secret of success for a lecturer, my boy," replied the foreign visitor, "is not to have a theme."

"That speaker certainly made a hit."

"What did he talk about?"

"About ten minutes."

EMPLOYER (coming upon colored porter looking through the dictionary)--"What are you doing, Sam; looking up some more big words for another speech?"

"No, sah. 'Tain't that. Ah's jes' translatin' the speech ah made las' night."

CHAIRMAN (of public banquet)--"Gentlemen, before I introduce the next speaker, there will be a short recess, giving you all a chance to go out and stretch your legs."

GUEST--"Who is the next speaker?"

CHAIRMAN--"Before telling you who he is, I would rather wait until you come back."--_Life_.

William Lyon Phelps, professor of English Literature at Yale, declares he gets credit for only 25 per cent of the after-dinner speeches he actually makes. "Every time I accept an invitation to speak, I really make four addresses. First, is the speech I prepare in advance. That is pretty good. Second, is the speech I really make. Third, is the speech I make on the way home, which is the best of all; and fourth, is the speech the newspapers next morning say I made, which bears no relation to any of the others."

"What would be a good way to raise revenue and still benefit the people?"

"Tax every speech made in this country."

"Many's de speech I has listened to," said Uncle Eben, "dat left me wonderin' whether I was gettin' infohmation or entertainment."

A noted Frenchman, on visiting England was asked to speak at a banquet. Being interested in his subject he spoke at great length. Suddenly realizing another speaker was to follow him he closed his remarks with an apology, saying "I am very sorry but there is another speaker and I am afraid I have cockroached on his time."

A burst of laughter greeted this remark and in much confusion he turned to the Englishman next to him and asked what break he had made.

The Englishman, in a reassuring manner, said "It wasn't exactly a break only here in England we don't say cockroach, we say 'h--encroach.'"

A political meeting was on in a certain Iowa town and Thomas R. Marshall, Vice-President of the United States, was to speak. The hall was packed and the air was stifling. For some reason, it was impossible to open the windows, and one had to be broken.

It was feared that the noise would startle the audience and perhaps throw them into a panic. The mayor of the town stepped forward to give warning. The audience, however, had not assembled to listen to the mayor, and overwhelmed him with cries of "Marshall! Marshall!"

Silence was not restored till the infuriated official yelled at the top of his voice:

"I'm not going to make a speech! I have something to say!"

"Do you know what it is to go before an audience?"

"No. I spoke before an audience once, but most of it went before I did."

A lank, disconsolate-looking farmer, stood on the steps of the town hall during the progress of a political meeting.

"Do you know who's talking in there now?" demanded a stranger, briskly, pausing for a moment beside the farmer. "Or are you just going in?"

"No, sir; I've just come out," said the farmer, decidedly. "Congressman Smiffkins is talking in there."

"What about?" asked the stranger.

"Well," continued the countryman, passing a knotted hand across his forehead, "he didn't say."

"You haven't had much to say lately," commented the old friend.

"True," replied Senator Sorghum. "But you must give me credit for one thing--I realized the fact and kept still."

Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's shop in a small town to have his hair cut.

"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.

"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here tonight?"

"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the barber: "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hall is sold out."

"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck to have to stand when that Hay chap lectures."

_See also_ Politicians.

PUBLISHERS

He was a typical gamin, so diminutive in stature that I had to stoop to interrogate him, which I did in this way:

"Where do you get your papers, my little man?"

"Oh, I buy 'em in the Times alley."

"What do you pay for them?"

"Fi' cents."

"What do you sell them for?"

"Fi' cents."

"You don't make anything at that?"

"Nope."

"Then what do you sell them for?"

"Oh, just to get a chance to holler."

PUNCTUALITY

_Epitaph for Any New Yorker_

I, who all my life had hurried, Came to Peter's crowded gate; And, as usual, was worried, Fearing that I might be late

So, when I began to jostle (I forgot that I was dead) Patient smiled the old Apostle: "Take your Eternity," he said.

--_Christopher Morley_.

_See also_ Alarm clocks.

PUNCTUATION

"Can't you stretch a point?"

"Certainly," said the period. And thus was born the comma.

A high-school girl said to her father the other night:

"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You know something about punctuation, don't you?"

"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper she handed him.

This is what he read:

"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"

He studied it carefully.

"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, like this."

"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!"

PUNISHMENT

In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting to teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" he said.

"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply.

Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore police magistrate was a darky with no visible means of support.

"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his Honor.

"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present--jest circulatin' round, suh."

His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:

"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired from circulation for sixty days."

"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace terms are read to her. The peace terms are very severe--just, but very severe."

The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on:

"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted of stealing a hog.

"'Rastus,' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5.'

"'Jedge,' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five spot right here in mah left-hand vest-pocket.'

"'Well,' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your right-hand vest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty days.'"

Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse to the time-honored remedy in such cases.

"Mamma," she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was little?"

"Yes, dear," said her mother, "she did when I was naughty."

"And did her mother spank her?"

"Yes."

"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?"

"Yes."

"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?"

"Judge," said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you trying to square this thing up. My wife and I fight just so often and just so long, and we can't help it. So there you are."

"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge.

"About two weeks, judge."

"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other words, you are interned for the duration of the war."

VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new carpet)--"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk."

TOMMY (indignantly)--"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's spilled all you have to do is to call the cat an' she'll lick it up cleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, an' mother'll do the lickin', is what ails me."

"Quite a good epigram, that," said the tramp, who had been convicted for vagrancy.

"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal.

"Seven days."

"How d'you make that out an epigram?"

"Why," said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an epigram was, and he said 'It's a short sentence that sounds light, but gives you plenty to think about.'"

PARSON WHITE--"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come outen de trial?"

BRO. LAMKINS--"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de jayul."

PARSON WHITE--"'Pears ter me like as if you outer be pow'ful thankful. He got off mighty light, he did."

BRO. LAMKINS--"'Twan't 's light's you seem to think. Dey's agwinter hang 'im when de two mumfs is up."

"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labor."

"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' kinder split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labor stand."

A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot.

"I think you English are brutes," he growled, "to march me through this rain and slush."

"Well," said the "Tommy" who was escorting him, "what about me? I have to go back in it."

_See also_ Marriage.

PUNS

"Have you a little fairy in your home?"

"No, but I have a little miss in my engine."

SMALL SCOUT--"Dad, what are the silent watches of the night?"

INDULGENT FATHER--"They are the ones which their owners forgot to wind, my son."

"Here, boy," said the man to the boy who was helping him drive a bunch of cattle, "hold this bull a minute, will you?"

"No," answered the boy, "I don't mind bein' a director in this company, but I'm darned if I want to be a stockholder."

MA--"You've been drinking. I smell it in your breath." PA--"Not a drop. I've been eating frog's legs. What you smell is the hops."

PROF.--"What happened to Babylon?"

FRESH.--"It fell."

PROF.--"What happened to Tyre?"

FRESH.--"It was punctured."

That was a good, though rather a severe pun, which was made by a student in one of our theological seminaries (and he was not one of the brightest of the class, either), when he asked, "Why is Professor---- the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on all "giving it up," said, "Because at the close of every sermon there is a 'Great Awakening.'"

PURGATORY

MARMADUKE ISOLATE (of Lonelyville).--"Pa, what is Purgatory?"

MR. ISOLATE (wearily).--"Purgatory? Why, Purgatory is a sort of suburb of Heaven."

QUAKERS

After a long essay on the Quakers, taken largely from the encyclopedia, a Western schoolboy finished off with this original thought. "Quakers never quarrel, never get into fights, and never scratch." Then, seeking for a demonstration of the fact and a final touch, he added: "Pa is a Quaker, but I kinda think that Ma isn't."

QUESTIONS

"You understand your duties thoroughly, don't you?" she said to the new footman.

"Yes, ma'am, certainly, ma'am."

"And you know your way to announce?"

"Well, ma'am, I shouldn't perhaps like to go quite so far as that, but I think I know my weight to a pound or so."

"Father, is the zebra a black animal with white stripes or a white animal with black stripes?"

"Has Jobkins any money?" asked Hickenlooper.

"Oh, he must have," said Garroway.

"Oh, we all must have--but have we?" said Hickenlooper.

There is an elevator boy in a New York office building, who is among a large number of public servants that resent needless questions.

One day there entered his car a rather fussy old lady, and garrulous as well.

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down in this elevator all day?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am," said the boy.

"Is it the motion going down?"

"No, ma'am."

"The motion going up?"

"No, ma'am."

"Is it the stopping that does it?"

"No, ma'am."

"Then what is it?"

"Answering questions, ma'am."

"My father and I know everything in the world," said a small boy to his companion.

"All right," said the latter. "Where's Asia?"

It was a stiff question, but the little fellow answered coolly: "That is one of the questions my father knows."

Owen Wister, the novelist, apropos of useless questions, once told of a man who stood before a mirror in his room, his face lathered and an open razor in his hand. His wife came in. She looked at him and said, "Are you shaving?" The man, a foe to surplusage, replied fiercely, "No; I am blacking the kitchen range. Where are you--out driving or at a four-o'clock tea?"

_See also_ Curiosity.

RADICALS

A radical is a man without a sense of humor; a conservative is one without a sense of the ridiculous.

RAILROADS

"Where's the president of this railroad?" asked the man who called at the general offices.

"He's down in Washington, attendin' th' session o' some kind uv an investigatin' committee," replied the office boy.

"Where is the general manager?"

"He's appearin' before th' Interstate Commerce Commission."

"Well, where's the general superintendent?"

"He's at th' meetin" of th' legislature, fightin' some bum new law."

"Where is the head of the legal department?"

"He's in court, tryin' a suit."

"Then where is the general passenger agent?"

"He's explainin' t' th' commercial travelers why we can't reduce th' fare."

"Where is the general freight agent?"

"He's gone out in th' country t' attend a meeting o' th' grange an' tell th' farmers why we ain't got no freight-cars."

"Who's running the blame railroad, anyway?"

"The newspapers and th' legislatures."

An old Cornish woman who had never before traveled by rail went to a country station to catch a train. She sat herself down on a seat in the station, and after sitting there for about two hours, the station-master came up to her and asked where she was going. On her telling him, he said:

"Why, my good woman, the train has just gone, and there isn't another for a long time!"

"Why, lor'!" says the old lady, "I thought the whole consarn moved!"

"What good," asked the angry would-be passenger, "are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?"

"Why," patiently explained the genial agent, "if it weren't for them figures we'd have no way of findin' out how late the train is."

The American in the first-class carriage of an English train insisted on smoking. An angry Englishman protested, and when about to appeal to the guard the American got ahead of him with the remark: "Guard, I think you will find that that gentleman is traveling with a third-class ticket on him."

It proved to be true, and the sputtering Britisher was put out.

A spectator of the incident asked the American how he knew about the ticket.

"Well," explained the composed stranger, "it was sticking out of his pocket and I noticed that it was the same color as mine."

A new railroad through Louisiana strikes some of the towns about a mile from the business center, so it is necessary to run a bus line. A salesman stopping in one of the towns asked the old darky bus driver about it:

"Say, uncle, why have they got the depot way down here?"

After a moment's hesitation the old darky replied: "Ah dunno, boss, unless dey wanted to git it on de railroad."

Picking her way daintily through the locomotive plant, a young woman visitor viewed the huge operations with awe. Finally, she turned to a young man who was showing her through, and asked:

"What is that big thing over there?"

"That's a locomotive-boiler," he replied. She puckered her brows.

"And what do they boil locomotives for?"

"To make the locomotive tender," and the young man from the office never smiled.

"What kind of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"It isn't a plant; it's a railroad."

The president of a certain railway in Kentucky which is only ten miles long, was exchanging annual passes one year with officials of other railways.

He enclosed an annual pass on his railway to Stuyvesant Fish, then president of the Illinois Central Railway, for himself and family, with the request that Fish reciprocate.

It seems that Fish had never heard of the Kentucky road, so he instructed his secretary to look it up. As a result the pass was returned with the following curt letter:

DEAR SIR:

I find that your railroad is only ten miles long, while my road is eleven hundred miles long. I herewith return your pass made out in favor of myself and family. Yours truly, STUYVESANT FISH.

This was too much for the old Kentucky colonel, who made the following notation on Fish's letter and sent it back:

"You go to hell--_my railroad is as_ WIDE _as yours_".

He received the Illinois Central pass by return mail.

"Conductor!" shouted a passenger on the back-country train.

"That was my station, sir! Why didn't you stop?"

"We don't stop there any longer," said the conductor. "You see, the engineer is mad with the station agent!"

"Now will this train reach its destination on time?"

"We hope so, but we don't guarantee it."

"You mean you sell me a ticket to get to a certain place by a certain time and then you give me no assurance I'll be there at that time?"

"That's about it."

"Well, I'll take the ticket. But I'll get even! I won't guarantee I'll be here when your darned old unguaranteed train is ready to start, so I won't!"

"We are twenty minutes late," remarked the passenger. "Will we make it up before we reach New York?"

"No, sah; no, sah," answered the porter. "No, sah. The engineer and fireman get time and a half for overtime."

READING

_See_ Books and reading

REAL ESTATE

"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain Kidd's treasure."

"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn't the only man who has put his money into real estate and couldn't get it out."

REAL ESTATE AGENTS

STEVE--"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company has got the fastest car in this neck of the country. He makes ninety miles an hour."

HANK--"Some car! What's he want of such a speed demon?"

STEVE--"He's gotta have it when he's advertising his development as being five minutes from the station."

A house-hunter, getting off a train at a suburban station, said to a boy standing near:

"My boy, I am looking for Mr. Smith's new block of semi-detached houses. How far are they from here?"

"About twenty minutes' walk," said the boy.

"Twenty minutes!" exclaimed the house-hunter. "Nonsense! The advertisement said five."

"Well," replied the boy, "yer kin believe me or the advertisement, whichever yer want. But I ain't tryin' to make no sale."

"Look here, you swindler!" roared the owner of the suburban property to the real-estate man. "When you sold me this house, didn't you say that in three months I wouldn't part with it for $10,000?"

"Certainly," said the real-estate dealer calmly, "and you haven't, have you?"

REALISM

Things that are what they appear to be are so rare that one cannot tell them when one sees them.

RECOMMENDATIONS

"Eh-yah! Young Doc. Purt is a pretty good doctor," admitted the landlord of the Petunia tavern, in reply to the inquiry of a guest who felt the need of a physician's advice. "In spite of all the money he's spent for electrical apparatus and the fact that he wears one of these 'ere three-cornered vanduct beards, there have been no unusually distressing deaths in our midst during the six months he has been with us."

The applicant for the job of office-boy presented his credentials in a manner that bespoke his entire confidence that the position would be his. The sour-looking old gentleman at the head of the establishment read the paper carefully and then surveyed the boy searchingly.

"It is certainly a very nice thing for you to have these recommendations from the minister of your church and your Sunday-school teacher," said he, "and I must admit that you look honest. All the same, I'd like to have a few words from someone that knows you on week-days."--_Harper's_.

"You say you have good references?"

"Yes, ma'am. I have over a 'undred splendid references."

"And how long have you been in domestic service?"

"Two years, ma'am."

A prominent New England educator tells of a Chinese cook in Manila who was innocently carrying about a reference, written by a saturnine Englishman, with which he expected to secure a good position. The reference read as follows:

"This man cooked for me six months; it seemed much longer. He left on account of illness--my illness."

"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the house.

"Yis, mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid.

"Then why did you not bring some of them with you?"

"Well, mum, to tell the troot, they're just loike my photygraphs. None of thim don't do me justice."

Here is a letter of recommendation given by a butcher to a former employee:

"Whomsoefer is de boss--

"Dear Sir--Dis is to testify dot Hans Snyder vorked for me von week. Ven he left I was perfectly satisfied."

RECRUITING

POLICEMAN (rounding up draft suspects)--"Have you got a card?"

THE SUSPECTED ONE (with suitcase)--"A whole case of 'em! Which do you want to see--draft, registration, meat, sugar, calling, milk, playing, or postal-card?"--_Judge_.

"Before I left the United States," said Col. George Harvey recently in London, "I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant power in men and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a stronger argument--one which fell from the lips of a recruiting-sergeant in the Strand yesterday.

"'Don't you want to be on the winning side?' said the soldier to a group of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki.

"'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' asked a prospective recruit.

"'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the Germans have been trying for more than a year and a half to win and have failed, don't you?"

"'Yes,' replied the questioner.

"'Well, then, we've been trying to lose during the same period and we couldn't.'"

United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of West Virginia, tells a story about a mountain youth who visited a recruiting-office in the Senator's State for the purpose of enlisting in the regular Army. The examining physician found the young man as sound as a dollar, but that he had flat feet.

"I'm sorry," said the physician, "but I'll have to turn you down. You've got flat feet."

The mountaineer looked sorrowful. "No way for me to git in it, then?" he inquired.

"I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you wouldn't be able to march even five miles."

The youth from the mountains studied a moment. Finally he said: "I'll tell you why I hate this so darned bad. You see, I walked nigh on to one hundred and fifteen miles over the mountains to git here, and gosh, how I hate to walk back!"

RECRUITING OFFICER--"What's the good of coming here and saying you're only seventeen years old! Go and walk around that yard and come back and see if you're not nineteen."--_Punch_.

_See also_ Conscription.

RED TAPE

America consumes more red dye than any other color. This, as you are aware, is the color chosen for government tape in Washington.

REGRETS

_Who Am I?_

I am frequently most potent in the morning, but I am willing to abide with you at any time.

I am what you feel if you get married or if you do not get married.

I am what the after-dinner speaker says he feels because he came unprepared, and what the listeners show they feel without saying it.

I come to you when youth leaves you.

I am yours when that sarcastic person drops a remark which you cannot fittingly answer, and I am doubled when you are later alone and think of just the brilliant retort you should have given.

I am what overwhelms you when you suffer an overwhelming financial loss.

I am the vainest of the vain.

I am regret!

MRS. EXE--"Here's an invitation from Mrs. Boreleigh to one of her tiresome dinners. I hate them."

EXE--"Why not plead that you have a previous engagement?"

MRS. EXE--"That would be a lie. Edith dear, write Mrs. Boreleigh that we accept with pleasure."

RELATIVES

"Have you any relatives living in the country?"

"No; whenever we take a vacation we have to pay our own board."

"Old Millyuns says that since he made his pile of money he feels like a neutral nation."

"Why is that?"

"Because he has so many diplomatic relations."--_Judge_.

RELIGIONS

Rowland Hill, when some persons entered his chapel to avoid the rain that was falling, quietly observed, "Many persons are to be blamed for making their religion a cloak, but I do not think those are much better who make it an umbrella."

A man in the threadbare coat and a week's beard came out of a downtown mission where he had signed the pledge and joined the church, only to be nabbed for theft a half hour later.

"Why did you make off with the pocketbook you saw this lady drop in the street?" demanded the Judge in court.

"It's all the minister's fault," declared the thief in deprecation. "I went to him discouraged and out of money, and he told me I must learn to take things as I found them."

Dr. Lyman P. Powell gives some examples of the lengths to which petty bitterness between sects will sometimes carry men. "A visitor in a certain town which had four churches and adequately supported none, asked a pillar of one poor dying church, 'How's your church getting on?' 'Not very well,' was the reply, 'but, thank the Lord, the others are not doing any better.'"

REMEDIES

A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in China.

"Good doctors!" he exclaimed, "China have best doctors in world. Hang Chang one good doctor; he great; save life, to me."

"You don't say so! How was that?"

"Me velly bad," he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give some medicine. Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. Give more medicine. Me glow worse--go die. Blimebly callee Doctor Hang Chang. He got no time; no come. Save life."

The other day a negro went into a drug store and said:

"Ah wants one ob dem dere plasters you stick on yoah back."

"I understand," said the clerk, "You mean one of our porous plasters?"

"No, sab, I don't want none ob your porous plasters, I wants de bes' one you got."

A Swedish farmer, who lived on his wheat farm in Minnesota, was taken ill and his wife telephoned the doctor.

"If you have a thermometer," answered the physician, "take his temperature. I will be out and see him presently."

An hour or so later when the doctor drove up, the woman met him at the door.

"How is he?" asked the doctor.

"Veil," said she, "I bane put the barometer on him like you tell me, and it say 'Very dry,' so I give him a pitcher of water to drink, and now he ban gone back to vork."

BESSIE--"The doctor says mamma must take a constitutional every morning. What's that mean?"

BOBBY--"That means walking."

BESSIE--"Then why didn't he say walk?"

BOBBY--"I don't know, but I guess maybe if he called it that he couldn't charge for it."

REMINDERS

HE (to wife who is off for the beach)--"Now, don't forget me, dear."

SHE--"As if I could, Jack. The surf at night sounds just like you snoring."

The late Horace Hutton used to say that having to take a little trouble would impress a fact on any one's memory so that he would never be able to forget it. In illustration he would tell this story:

"Our waitress, Maggie, could never remember to put salt on the table, and time after time Mrs. Hutton would remind her to do it. One morning it was absent, as usual, and I said, 'Maggie, where is the stepladder?'

"'It's in the pantry, sir!'

"'Please bring it in, Maggie,' I said kindly.

"Maggie brought it in with a look of wonder on her face.

"'Put it right beside the table,' I commanded, and when she had done so I added: 'Now, I want you to climb up to the top of it, look all over the table and see if there is any salt there.'

"Maggie never forgot the salt again."

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

"My wife put it there to remind me to post a letter."

"And did you post it?"

"No; she forgot to give it to me."

CONDUCTOR--"Do you mind if I put your bag out of the way, sir? People coming in are falling over it."

TRAVELER--"You leave it where it is. If nobody falls over it I shall forget it's there."

REPARTEE

"Pa, what is repartee?"

"Oh, merely an insult with its dress-suit on, my son."--_Puck_.

FIRST STUDENT--"The idea; my napkin is damp!"

SECOND STUDENT--"Perhaps that's because there is so much due on your board."

The big man with the I-know-it-all expression sneeringly watched the little man who was eating from a sack of peanuts.

"Down where I come from we use peanuts to fatten hogs," remarked the big man.

"That so?" asked the little man. "Here, have some."

EINSTEIN--"I hear you already, and I dinks you vas talking to yourself."

ROSENBERG--"You vas a liar and a scoundrel! Do you hear dot?"

"What would you say," began the voluble prophet, "if I were to tell you that in a very short space of time all the rivers will dry up?"

"I would say," replied the patient man, "go thou and do likewise."

"I'm tired of always being the goat!"

"Then, why don't you stop butting in?"

"Oh, say, who was here to see you last night?"

"Only Myrtle, father."

"Well, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano."

"Willie, your master's report of your work is very bad. Do you know that when Woodrow Wilson was your age he was head of the school?"

"Yes, pa; and when he was your age he was President of the United States."

"You are an angel."

"I guess that's right. An angel has but one gown and for her the styles never change."

A stern old preacher had issued to his people a command against dancing, believing it to be a device of the devil.

A few of the young people disobeyed and attended a dance given at a neighboring town. Finally it reached the ears of the preacher, and, meeting one of the culprits on the street one morning, he said in a stern voice:

"Good morning, child of the devil!"

"Good morning, father!" smilingly answered the pretty miss.

CUSTOMER--"The price of these shoes seems high. Wasn't there something said about a movement to have it reduced?"

CLERK--"Yes--but it's not on foot yet."

UNCLE SILAS (visiting city relatives who use electrical appliances for cooking at the table)--"Well, I swan! You make fun of us for eatin' in the kitchen. I don't see as it makes much difference whether you eat in the kitchen or cook in the dining-room."--_Life_.

There had been a quarrel. "You're no lidy," remarked the party of the first part "Ah!" replied the other. "If it wasn't that I _was_ a lidy, p'raps I'd be able to tell _you_ wot kind of a lidy _you_ ain't."

FIRST TRAVELER (cheerily)--"Fine day, isn't it?"

SECOND DITTO (haughtily)--"Sir! You have the advantage of me. I don't know you."

FIRST DITTO--"Humph! I fail to see the advantage."

"We need brains in this business, sir."

"I know you do. The business shows it."

"Well! well!" exclaimed Mrs. Talker, looking up from the morning paper. "Boots and shoes should be getting much cheaper now. Here's a paragraph that states that they are being made from all sorts of skins, even rat skins"; and then, trying to be funny, she added, "I wonder what they do with banana and orange skins?"

"Oh, my dear," replied her husband, "they make slippers!"

The usual large crowd was gathered at the New York end of the Brooklyn Bridge waiting for trolley-cars. An elderly lady, red in the face, flustered and fussy, dug her elbows into convenient ribs irrespective of owners.

A fat man on her left was the recipient of a particularly vicious jab. She yelled at him, "Say!"

He winced slightly and moved to one side.

She, too, sidestepped and thumped him vigorously on the back.

"Say!" she persisted, "does it make any difference which of these cars I take to Greenwood Cemetery?"

"Not to me, madam," he answered, slipping through an opening in the crowd.

AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER (to American)--"You Yanks think you've done a lot, but you forget we Australians have been at the game for four years."

"Well, what have you done, anyway?"

"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, the plains of Bethlehem, and--"

"The plains of Bethlehem?"

"Yes; I slept a week there myself."

"Well, I guess that was a busy week for the shepherds watching their flocks!"

Once in a while the choirs do get back at the minister, as, for example, in a Connecticut church the other Sunday morning. The minister announced, just after the choir had sung its anthem, as his text, "Now when the uproar had ceased." But the singers bided their time patiently, and when the sermon was over, rose and rendered in most melodious fashion another anthem beginning, "Now it is high time to awake after sleep."

REPORTING

A noted artist was recently visited by an interviewer, who fired at him from a question-sheet questions such as these:

"Were your parents artistic? Which of your paintings do you consider your best work? When, where, and why did you paint it? How much did it bring you in? Who is your favorite dead master? Favorite living master? What is your income from art? How much--"

But at this point the artist seized the interviewer by the arm and began in his turn:

"Just a moment, please. What is your name, age, and salary? Is journalism with you a life-work or merely a means to a higher literary end? How do you like your editor? State his faults and salary. What was the best interview you ever wrote? Give a brief summary of same. Have you ever been fired? How does it feel? Where--"

But here the interviewer, jerking his arm from the painter's grasp, fled from the studio, and the artist cheerfully resumed his work.

A "cub" reporter on a New York newspaper was sent to Paterson to write the story of the murder by thieves, of a rich manufacturer. He spread himself on the details and naively concluded his account with this sentence:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before, so he lost practically nothing but his life."--_Harper's_.

_See also_ Journalism; Newspapers.

REPUTATION

"So you come from New York," said an English lady to a traveling American. "I supposed, of course, you came from Boston."

"Why did you think that?" inquired the New York lady.

"Because I supposed all cultivated, intelligent Americans came from Boston."

"But what in the world made you think that?" was the natural question.

"Oh, I don't know, exactly. I think it was a Boston lady who told me."

Having heard a popular make of motor-car highly spoken of, he entered the depot with the idea of purchasing one. The selection was soon made, and the customer expressed himself ready to buy if he could have a trial trip. That, the salesman explained, was impossible; the cars were sold on their reputation only. The customer declined to buy without a trial, and was leaving the store when the chairman of the company entered, and the situation was explained to him.

The chairman agreed that the salesman's attitude was correct. "But," said he, "as I don't like turning money away, I'll take you for a run in the car myself." The selected car was brought out, the chairman took the driving wheel, the customer sat alongside him, and the run began.

For some time she ran beautifully. Then, halfway up a hill, there was a sudden stoppage, and, do what he would, the driver could not induce the car to move.

Said the customer: "A jolly good thing I insisted on a trial."

Very red in the face, the chairman left the car, went to the front and lifted the bonnet to see what was the matter. "Holy smoke!" he exclaimed. "She's got no engine in her. She's run two miles on nothing but her reputation."

REST CURE

I wish I was a little rock On top of yonder hill A doin' nothin' all day long But just a settin' still.

I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep I wouldn't even wash I'd set and set a thousand years And rest myself--_By Gosh!_

RESTAURANTS

A gentleman from the rural districts of Missouri recently made his first visit to New York. Shortly after his arrival he went into a restaurant and ordered what seemed to him like a rather meager meal. When the bill was presented it totaled $8.35. The Missourian looked at the amount twice to make sure his eyes were not deceiving him. Then he smiled. "Waiter," he called, "you've made a mistake. I've got more money than that!"

GUEST--"Look here! How long must I wait for the half-portion of duck I ordered?"

WAITER--"Till somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck."

Dr. C----, who was called to the far end of Long Island to extract an appendix, missed the last train back, stayed over night in a miserable hotel, and was waited on at breakfast by a sallow and cadaverous country girl. Said she:

"Boiled tongue, stewed kidneys, fried liver."

Said he:

"Hang your symptoms! Bring me something to eat!"

"What's yours?"

"Coffee and rolls, my girl."

One of those iron-heavy, quarter-inch, thick mugs of coffee was pushed over the counter. The fastidious person seemed dazed. He looked under the mug and over it.

"But where is the saucer?" he inquired.

"We don't give no saucers here. If we did some low-brow'd come pilin' in an' drink out of his saucer, an' we'd lose a lot of our swellest trade."

"Do you want a steak for a dollar or a dollar and a half?" demanded the waiter in the Central Park restaurant.

"What's the difference?" inquired the tourist.

"You get a sharp knife with the dollar and half steak," explained the waiter.

CUSTOMER--"By Jove, I am glad to see you back. Has the strike been settled?"

WAITER--"What strike, sir?"

CUSTOMER--"Oh, come, now. Where have you been since you took my order?"

AFFABLE WAITER--"How did you find that steak, sir?"

GUEST--"Oh, quite accidentally. I moved that piece of potato and there it was, underneath."

CHAUFFEUR--"Cup of coffee, doughnuts, and some griddle cakes."

WAITRESS--"Cylinder oil, couple of non-skid, and an order of blow-out patches."

RETALIATION

Even though the war was over, she decided to do her patriotic duty along the hospitality line. So she called the Army and Navy Club, and transmitted her invitation through a suave-voiced officer.

"I am Mrs. Humpfree McLeod, 33 First Avenue," she explained, "and I should like to have two of your men come to dinner with us Sunday at half-past one."

"Yes. Thank you, Mrs. McLeod."

"But wait--be sure, whatever you do, that they aren't Jews!"

The tone of her voice was emphatic.

Sunday came, bringing two chocolate-colored khaki-clad privates to the McLeod house. When Mrs. McLeod brushed into the drawing-room to greet her soldiers, all a-smile, she was surprised, to put it mildly.

"Why!" she stammered. "Why, who invited you here?"

"Our commanding officer," explained one, "Captain Cohen."

One morning Jorkins looked over his fence and said to his neighbor, Harkins:

"What are you burying in that hole?"

"Just replanting some of my seeds, that's all," was the answer.

"Seeds!" exclaimed Jorkins, angrily. "It looks more like one of my hens!"

"That's all right," said the other. "The seeds are inside."--_Harper's_.

"What's coming off out in front there?" asked the proprietor of the Tote Fair store in Tumlinville, Ark.

"A couple of fellers from Straddle Ridge swapped mules," replied the clerk, "and now each is accusing the other of skinning him."

"Well, then, why don't they trade back?"

"I reckon they are both afraid of getting skinned again."

MOTHER--"Joan, darling, run and call Fido, will you?"

JOAN--"I don't see how I can, mummy, 'cos I aren't speakin' to Fido since he broke my doll!"

"It was mighty nice of you to give up your seat to that stout old lady, Mr. Blinks. It is pleasant to see that there are still some polite men left in the world."

"Sorry, Mrs. Jabbers, but it wasn't politeness at all. The man who sat next to me was quarrelsome because he said I crowded him too much, and all I did was to use that stout old lady as a sort of retort courteous."--_Judge_. "All sorts and conditions of men have excellent explanations for their position in life," said the Senator. "A tramp, however, came under my observation who had no illusions about the cause of his own condition.

"A fine looking and fashionably dressed woman had just alighted from her limousine at the hotel entrance, and was suddenly approached by this shabbily dressed man who requested a dime.

"'No, I have no money to spare for you. I do not see why an able-bodied man like you should go about begging.'"

"'I s'ppose, ma'am,' replied the lazy tramp, 'it's fer about the same reason that a healthy woman like you boards at a hotel instead of keepin' house.'"--_Harper's_.

Apropos of foreign honesty, Dr. Nicholas Butler tells this story:

"On a foreign railroad," he said, "a commuter had a row with the conductor. At the end of the row the commuter turned to a friend and said:

"'Well, the P.D.R. will never see another cent of my money after this.'

"The conductor, who was departing, looked back and snarled:

"'What'll you do? Walk?'

"'Oh, no,' said the commuter, 'I'll stop buying tickets and pay my fare to you.'"

ROADS

"How are the roads in this section?" "Fine," replied Farmer Corntossel. "We've abolished bad roads." "Big job, wasn't it?" "Not at all. Wherever the going is 'specially hard we don't call it a 'road.' We call it a 'detour.'"

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE

"One beautiful autumn day," said the teacher, telling a story, "Little Red Riding Hood was walking along a path in the woods when she came to a sharp turn; and whom do you think she saw standing there, with a row of shining white teeth gleaming at her?"

Up went a little hand.

"Who was it, Willie?"

"Mister Roosevelt."

RUINS

An English nobleman was about to set out for India, and, fearing that in his absence vandals might destroy a picturesque ruin on his estate, he said to his steward: "I want you to build a wall here"--he drew a tiny furrow with his stick around the ruin--"a stone wall five feet high."

On his return home the nobleman started for the spot. When he reached it he rubbed his eyes in amazement. There was the new stone wall, but he could see nothing towering up inside of it. He turned excitedly to his steward:

"Look here, where's the ruin, man?"

"The ruin, my lord?" replied the steward. "Oh, that ould thing! Sure, I used it to build the wall with."

RUMMAGE SALES

"Oh, John," sobbed Mrs. John, "I've done something awful, and I'm almost afraid to tell you--but I must! I made a most awful mistake this morning and sent your new dress suit to the rummage sale instead of your old one, and when I found out what I had done and ran over to get it back, it had been sold."

"That's all right, Mabel, dear," said John amiably. "I stopped in at the sale myself and bought it back for thirty-five cents."

SACRIFICES

"George, where are your school-books?"

"When notices appeared that books were wanted for the wounded, I gave mine to them."

"But, my dear," said his wife, after he had complained about the food the new cook had brought in. "You know during these terrible times it is absolutely necessary that we make great sacrifices."

"Oh, of course, but what I object to is that cook's making hers in the form of a burnt offering."

SAFETY

Throughout the trial the Englishman, whose crimes had been many and black, bore himself with an air of complete indifference and received the sentence of the supreme penalty with a bored yawn. After he had been led on to the scaffold and just as the hood and noose were about to be placed over his head, the attendant priest, still persisting in his attempts to awaken penitence, in spite of the doomed man's deafness to his prayers, asked him again for a final statement.

The prisoner's gaze wandered to the noose and rested there meditatively. Suddenly he turned to the priest:

"See here, old chap," he demanded, "is this thing perfectly safe?"

Mark Twain once sat in the smoking room of a steamer and listened for an hour to some remarkable stories. Then he drawled, "Boys, these feats of yours that you've been telling about recall an adventure of my own in Hannibal. There was a fire in Hannibal one night, and Old Man Hankinson got caught in the fourth story of the burning house. It looked as if he was a goner. None of the ladders was long enough to reach him. The crowd stared at one another with awed eyes. Nobody could think of anything to do.

"Then all of a sudden, boys, an idea occurred to me. 'Fetch a rope!' I yelled.

"Somebody fetched a rope, and with great presence of mind I flung the end of it up to the old man. 'Tie her round your waist!' I yelled. Old Man Hankinson did so, and I pulled him down."

OLD LADY (to motorman on her first drive on an electric car)--"Would it be dangerous, conductor, if I was to put my foot on the rail?"

MOTORMAN (an Edison man)--"No, mum, not unless you was to put the other one on the overhead wire."

SALARIES

"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager after a moment's thought, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week?"

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it--you will get $500."

Salary--something paid to you for what you do.

Income--something paid to you for what your father did.

"How do you know that Blinks has had a raise in salary?"

"He argues that the world is getting better; that the danger from monopolies has been greatly magnified, and that human nature isn't so bad, after all."

SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP

"Hey, what did you go and sell them apples fer?"

"Ain't they fer sale?"

"No. Them was the samples we take out to our automobile customers."

"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively, "gives this bride away?"

"I--I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesman too long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it."

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (to sales-manager who has advertised for a salesman)--"I'm answering your ad in today's paper."

SALES MANAGER--"Had much experience?"

PROSPECTIVE SALESMAN (confidently)--"Yes, sir. I've sold most everything in my time."

SALES MANAGER--"Then try selling me your services!" Mr. Babcock was driving through the country, trying to buy a mule. He was directed to a colored man who had one for sale.

"Do you want to sell a mule?" asked Babcock.

"Yaas, sah," replied the owner. "May I ask whar yo' live, sah?"

"What has that got to do with it?" queried Babcock.

"Well," explained the negro, "I ain't gwine ter transfer dat mule to nobody dat lives less dan two hundred miles away from here. When I sells that mule I wants to git rid not only of de mule, but of all conversation appertainin' to him."

"Mr. Smith, I represent the Stygian Life Insurance Company. I know you don't want to talk to me or listen to me; I know you have all the insurance you feel able to pay for. I am not here to tell you your chances of dying tonight, or of being hit by an automobile on leaving this building; neither shall I try to convince you that my company can offer you anything more than any other well-managed, long-established concern. I shall not pretend that I am especially interested in your welfare and wish to do you a service. I am trying to make a living. Here is a blank application. You do not need to say any of the commonplaces. Good day, Mr. Smith.

"Ah, you have signed it. Permit me to insert the amount--say $25,000. Our doctor will call on you tomorrow at 12:01. Thank you, Mr. Smith. Yes; I am using a new method. The idea came from the Four Minute speakers. Haven't lost a prospect yet. But my time is up. I shall deliver your policy in person, but that takes only one minute under the new system. Good-bye."

"I don't think I'll buy the house, but I've enjoyed the ride out here. You run a good car."

"Yes, I'm agent for this make. Can I book your order?"

Keep hollering-- There's somebody Somewhere that'll Want what you've Got sometime!

That clerk you all know died and approached the pearly gates.

"Give me a seat in the front row," he demanded of St. Peter.

"Sorry," said the hoary gatekeeper. "Heaven's all sold out, but I can give you something just as good."

Trade was bad. At the end of another blank day the discouraged salesman called on another prospective customer and asked to show his samples.

"No, there is nothing I want today," said the customer,

"But will you just examine my line of goods?" the salesman persisted.

The customer would not.

"Then," said the salesman meekly, "will you let me use a part of your counter to look at them myself, as I have not had the opportunity for some time?"

"I want a pair of the best gloves you have," said Mrs. Nuritch at the glove counter.

"Yes, ma'am," replied the polite salesman. "How long do you want them?"

"Don't git insultin', young man! I want to buy 'em, not hire 'em."

"How do you manage to sell so many fireless cookers?"

"It's due to my method of approach," said the smart salesman. "I begin my little talk by saying, 'Madam, I have called to enable you to spend every afternoon at the movies.'"

NEW MAN ON THE ROAD--"What is the best time for me to see the head of this firm I'm working for, boy?"

OFFICE BOY--"Between the time he gets your sales-account and the time he gets your expense-account."--_Puck_.

_"Orders Is Orders"_

One of the traveling salesmen breezed back from a short trip.

"How's business?" grunted the manufacturer.

"Fine," beamed the agent.

Manufacturer reached for the "good-business" cigars.

"How fine?"

"Got two good orders," the agent said.

"Ah-ha," grinned the boss. "Who were they from?"

"One," came the reply, "was from Mr.---- of---- &---- who ordered me to 'Get out,' and the other was from his partner who ordered me to 'Stay out.'"

_See also_ Booksellers and bookselling; Mistakes.

SALVATION

An evangelist was exhorting his hearers to flee from the wrath to come. "I warn you," he thundered, "there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth."

At this point an old woman of the congregation stood up.

"Sir, I have no teeth."

"Madam," returned the preacher sternly, "teeth will be provided."

SAVING

SON--"Dad, what is a savings account?"

FATHER--"A savings account is that part of a man's income which the government takes after permitting him to pay for the necessities of life."

_See also_ Economy; Thrift.

SCANDAL

"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up."--_Life_.

Believe that story false that ought not to be true.--_Sheridan_.

Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike; Alike reserv'd to blame, or to commend, A tim'rous foe, and a suspicious friend.

--_Pope_.

The scandal of the world is what makes the offence; it is not sinful to sin in silence.--_Molière_.

SCHOLARSHIP

"What's the matter? You look thoughtful."

"My six-year-old son brought home a list of questions to answer."

"What of that?"

"My average ranks me as a deficient kid."

"Is my son getting well grounded in the classics?" asked the millionaire.

"I would put it even stronger than that," replied the private tutor. "I may say that he is actually stranded on them."

"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to keep as far away from him as you possibly can."

"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time."

_See also_ College students.

SCHOOLS

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country schoolhouse. "This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's yer bill o'fare?"

"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the schoolmaster, "embraces geography, arithmetic, trigonometry--"

"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well with triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family."

There is no real suffering in Mexico now, except that of the schoolboy who is trying to learn the dates of all the revolutions.

CRABSHAW--"Why do you wish to leave school and go to work when you're so young?"

WILLIE--"It's this way, dad. School is going to be a tough place for the next few years. We'll have a new map of Europe to study, and if we fall down on it the teacher is likely to give us the Constitution of the League of Nations to learn by heart."

MAMMA--"How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?"

ROBERT--"I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet."

MAMMA--"Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This is Saturday--"

ROBERT (jumping out of bed)--"Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!"

SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT

EFFICIENCY EXPERT--"I am very gratified to see how many new men you have taken on since I installed my system."

"Yes, I hired 'em to take care of the system."--_Judge_.

SCOTCH, THE

An Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman were indulging in reminiscences of sporting occasions.

"The closest race I ever saw was a yacht race," deposed the Englishman, "in which one of the boats that had been recently painted won by the breadth of the coat of paint."

"The closest race I ever saw," declared the Scotchman, "was one in which a horse, stung by a bee, won by the eighth of the swelling of his nose."

"The closest race I ever saw," said the Irishman, "is the Scotch."

Some travellers returning to their hotel in Edinburgh one evening noticed an old Scotchman working anxiously over a penny-in-the-slot machine that refused to deliver his purchase or to return the penny. The next morning on passing the same spot they saw the poor man dead beside the slot machine.

Two old Scotsmen sat by the roadside, talking and puffing away merrily at their pipes.

"There's no muckle pleasure in smokin', Sandy," said Donald.

"Hoo dae ye mak' that oot?" questioned Sandy.

"Weel," said Donald, "ye see, if ye're smokin' yer ain bacca ye're thinkin' o' the awfu' expense, an' if ye're smokin' some ither body's, yer pipe's ramm't sae tight it winna draw."

A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whisky. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not side-step quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, God," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

During the fighting a Highlander had the misfortune to get his head blown off.

A comrade communicated the sad news to another gallant Scot, who asked, anxiously:

"Where's his head? He was smoking ma pipe."

A Scottish emigrant on his arrival at Montreal, stopped for a moment to examine a coat hanging in front of a clothing store, when the proprietor asked him if he would not try on a coat.

"I dinna ken but I wad," responded the emigrant, consulting his watch; and he went in and set to work. No matter how often he found a fit, he tried on another and another till he tried on about thirty. Then, again looking at his watch, he resumed his own garment and walked off saying:

"Weel, I've lost time, nae doot, but hang the fellow that'll no' obleege anither when he can!"

Three Scotchmen were in church one Sunday morning when the minister made a strong appeal for some very worthy cause, hoping that every one in the congregation would give at least one dollar or more. The three Scots became very nervous as the collection plate neared them, when one of them fainted and the other two carried him out.

Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.

Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the company, bidding each a profound farewell.

"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not going yet, with the evenin' just started?"

"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin' ye good-night while I know ye all."

A Scotchman was strolling through the market-place one day with his faithful collie at his heels. Attracted by a fine display of shell and other fish, the Scot stopped to admire, perhaps to purchase. The dog stood by gently wagging its tail while its master engaged the fishmonger in conversation.

Unfortunately for the dog, its tail dropped for a moment over a big basketful of fine live lobsters. Instantly one of the largest lobsters snapt its claws on the tail and the surprised collie dashed off through the market, yelping with pain, while the lobster hung on grimly, tho dashed violently from side to side. The fishmonger for a moment was speechless with indignation. Then turning to his prospective customer, he bawled:

"Mon, mon! whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog!"

"Hoot, mon," returned the other, complacently, "whustle to yer lobster!"

SEASICKNESS

"My dear old fellow! What's the matter? The sea's like a duck-pond!"

"I know, old boy--but I've taken six--different--remedies."--_Punch_.

The Chief Justice while presiding over the Supreme Court at Washington took the several Justices of the Court for a run down Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great distress the Chief Justice touched him on the shoulder and said in a tone of deepest sympathy:

"Is there anything I can do for you, Gray?"

"No, thank you," returned the sick Justice, "unless your Honor can overrule this motion."

An amateur sailor was making his first trip across the Atlantic, and was in the throes of the _mal de mer_ when the ship's surgeon came across him.

"What's the matter?" was the doctor's callous query.

"O-o-oh!" was the only response as the young man rolled over in agony.

"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning unfeelingly. "The ship's been torpedoed and will sink in ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. "Can't you make it any sooner?"

"How was the trip over?" I asked one of our returning soldiers.

"Rough as thunder," was the reply.

"Did they feed you well?" I asked.

"Six meals a day," he said.

"Six?" I echoed.

"Yes," was the laughing reply; "three down and three up."

A New York man was crossing the Atlantic with an army officer who suffered greatly from sea-sickness.

On entering the stateroom one particularly rough day, he found the officer tossing in his berth, muttering in what at first appeared to be a sort of delirium.

Stooping over to catch his words, the friend heard him say: "Sergeant ... major ... sergeant ... major ... brigadier-general ... ugh, _lieutenant_-general ... a-a-ah!"

"What are you saying?" asked the friend in some alarm, as the sufferer looked piteously up at him after his last gasping "a-a-ah!"

"Assigning the waves their rank," said the military man, rolling toward the wall again. "There have been eight lieutenant-generals within the last twenty minutes."

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST--"Nothing is ever lost! Everything in the universe is in its right place at the right time!"

MAN FROM MISSOURI--"Have you never been seasick?"

The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such instances one passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.

"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on the rail.

The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn he could muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging over the front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"

SECRETS

"Can you keep a secret, Peggy?"

"I can; but it's just my luck to tell things to other girls who can't."

ALICE--"I thought you could keep a secret."

MABEL--"Well, I kept it for a week. Do you think I'm a cold-storage plant?"

JACK--"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"

ETHEL--"No; I don't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."

CRAWFORD--"I see that the Ku Klux are going to admit women members."

CRABSHAW--"Why, I thought it was a secret society."

It is said that an ancient Chinese sage who lived in the second century was offered a bribe. His silence being accepted as hesitation, he was assured that he was perfectly safe, as no one knew it. He replied:

"Heaven knows, it. Earth knows it. You know it. I know it. How can you say that no one knows it?"

SELF-MADE MEN

"Yes, sir," said the trust magnate, proudly, "I am the architect of my own fortune."

"Well," rejoined the friendly critic, "all I've got to say is that it's a lucky thing for you there were no building inspectors around when you were constructing it."

SENATE

FORWARDLOOKER--"The Senate has a plan to settle labor disputes."

CYNIC--"If labor would devise a plan for settling Senate disputes, we might have peace."

The more we read about the Senate the more we understand the word "jazz."

SENATORS

"What is your position on this great question?"

"My position," replied Senator Sorghum, "is somewhat like that of a tight-rope walker. I don't want to stop to argue or show off. What I want to do is to get across to solid ground."

"The interrogation 'Where did you get it?' causes me much less apprehension," confessed Senator Smugg, "than the feeling that some day the public may learn the answer to the question 'Where did you put it?'"--_Puck_.

SENSE OF HUMOR

SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT (cross-questioning the terrified class)--"And now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet.'"

FRIGHTENED BOY--"P-p-please, sir, it-it wasn't me."

That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, the squire of the village. The superintendent said:

"Most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet.' He answered tearfully, 'P-p-please, sir, it wasn't me.'"

After loud and prolonged laughter, the squire said:

"That's pretty good, and I suppose the little rascal had done it all the time!"

_British and American Humor_

Having observed in a London omnibus a notice warning passengers to be careful as they alight, which is couched in these terms: "Cinema actors risk their lives for pay! Don't do it for nothing!" a New York journalist remarks that "an American advertisement on that subject would be serious; the British are more flippant in their seriousness than the Americans."

It seems as if this critic (writes a correspondent of the Manchester Guardian) never saw the notices posted in the trains used for conveying American troops in France during the last six months of the war. Tho drawn up at American headquarters, these notices are quite as "flippant in their seriousness" as the one he quotes. One of them ran:

THREE KINDS OF FOOLS

1. Fools.

2. Damned fools.

3. SOLDIERS WHO RIDE ON TOPS AND SIDES OF CARS.

A great many American soldiers have already been killed as a result of riding on tops of cars.

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and tunnel arches.

There is only six inches clearance between tops and sides of cars and bridge superstructures.

There is only a slight clearance between sides of cars and signal-towers.

IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE THE NEXT BLOCK KEEP YOURS INSIDE.

There was another one worded as follows:

YOUR HEAD MAY BE HARD

But not so hard as Bridges and Tunnel Arches.

Railway company will hold you responsible for damages to bridges and tunnels and signal-towers--they are not insured.

KEEP YOUR BLOCK INSIDE

And yet another:

Huns are waiting. Trenches ahead. Speed up. You won't if you ride on top of or stick your head out of cars.

KEEP YOUR IVORY IN!

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Y'r Honor, Oi think that humorist should be prohibited from givin' his lecture in the opera house tomorrow night, sor!"

MAYOR OF TOWN--"Why so, Mooney? Is it immoral?"

HEALTH OFFICER MOONEY--"Not immoral, sor; but they say his humor is contagious!"

SENTRIES

_See_ Armies.

SERMONS

_See_ Preaching.

SERVANTS

MISTRESS--"Bridget, I'm tired of your carelessness. Only look at that dust on the furniture. It's six weeks old at the very least."

BRIDGET--"Shure, it's no fault av moine. Oi've been here only t'ree weeks."

While Willie and his mother were walking along the street, they passed an employment agency with this sign in the window: "Colored Help Supplied."

"Look, ma," said Willie. "Is that where we got our green cook?"

Cynthia, a young colored cook, who had recently given up her employment in order that she might try her luck at the easier profession of cateress, met her former mistress on the street.

"Good morning, Cynthia," said the lady. "Where are you working now?"

"I isn't workin' nowhere now, ma'am," replied Cynthia, coyly; "I'se capering for a congressman."

WIFE--"I wish I knew what to do with this skirt. It's good, but somewhat out of style."

HUSBAND--"Why don't you give it to the laundress?"

WIFE--"Don't be funny, George. She's a good laundress, and I wouldn't offend her for the world."

MRS. ECKS--"That's a shocking clumsy maid who served us. And Mrs. Wise said she had such a treasure."

MRS. WYE--"This maid is one she hired for the occasion. She has the treasure locked in her room for fear one of the guests might steal her."

MISTRESS--"Now, Ada, I want you to show us what you can do tonight. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening."

COOK--"Well, mum, I 'aven't done any singin' to speak of for years, but as you insists upon it you can put me down for 'The 'Oly City'!"

NEW MISTRESS--"How about the afternoon off?"

NORAH--"Sure, mum, take wan--I'm willin'."

MISTRESS (to newly installed cook)--"Matthews! What does this mean? How did this policeman get here?"

COOK (equal to the occasion)--"Dunno, mum. 'E must 'ave bin left over by the last cook."

"I hope you are habitually truthful, Norah."

"I am on me own account, mum. I only tells lies to the callers for the family."

"A great many of the neighbors have called to see us since we moved out here," said Mr. Crosslots.

"They didn't call to see us," replied his wife. "The report has gone out that we have a good cook and they are trying to get acquainted with her."

Mrs. Smith hired a Chinese servant, and tried to teach him how to receive calling-cards. She let herself out the front door, and when the new servant answered her ring she gave him her card.

The next day two ladies came to visit Mrs. Smith. When they presented their cards, the alert Chinaman hastily compared them with Mrs. Smith's card, and remarked as he closed the door:

"Tickets no good; you can't come in."

MISTRESS--"I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me."

BRIDGET--"Don't worry, mum. I'll not go until ye have a houseful of company."

Mrs. Wilson wanted to get Mrs. Johnson's cook away from her so badly that she actually went to Mrs. Johnson's house when she was away and offered the cook more money. The next time they met at a big dinner Mrs. Johnson did not notice her.

"Mrs. Johnson, you know Mrs. Wilson, do you not?" said the lady who sat between them.

"No, I believe not," said Mrs. Johnson, "but I understand that she calls on my cook."

MR. EXE--"Did you tell the cook that the beefsteak was burned?"

MRS. EXE--"Mercy, no! She would leave instantly. I told her it was just right, but that we preferred it a trifle underdone."

"Does your family have any trouble with servants?"

"No," replied Mr. Crosslots; "I don't believe any of them stay around the place long enough to become really troublesome."

Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other:

"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"

"I am afraid not."

"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"

"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother."

"A flirt, am I!" exclaimed Mary Ann, under notice to go. "Well, I know them as flirts more than I do, and with less hexcuse." She shot a spiteful look at her mistress and added: "I'm better looking than you. More 'andsome. 'Ow do I know? Your husband told me so."

"That will do," said her mistress, frigidly.

"But I ain't finished yet!" retorted Mary Ann. "I can give a better kiss than you! You want to know 'oo told me that, mum?"

"If you mean to suggest that my husband--"

"No, it wasn't your 'usband this time," said Mary Ann. "It was your chauffeur."

Mrs. Bliffkins met Mary Smith, whom she had recommended to a neighbor for a situation.

"How are you getting on at your new place?" asked Mrs. Bliffkins.

"Very well, thank you," was the reply.

"I am glad to hear it," remarked Mrs. Bliffkins. "Your employer is a very nice lady, and you cannot do too much for her."

"I don't mean to, ma'am," replied Mary.

MRS. SMYTHE DE WILLOUGHBY--"Was the grocer's boy impudent again this morning, Clara, when you telephoned the order?"

CLARA--"'E was, mum! But I didn't 'arf give 'im wot for. I sez, 'Who d'yer blinkin' well think you're a-talkin 'to? I'm Mrs. Smythe der Willoughby!'"--_Punch_.

MRS. GLABBERDEEN--"Of course you, too, must often change cooks?"

MRS. JALPERDILL--"Oh, don't speak of it! We suffer from such a continual going and coming that we've decided this winter to equip our kitchen with revolving doors."

VISITOR--"Why does your servant go about the house with her hat on?"

MISTRESS--"Oh, she's a new girl. She only came this morning, and hasn't yet made up her mind whether she'll stay."--_Punch (London)_.

The new word for "servant" and the new hours have come, judging from this advertisement:

Household assistants (two) wanted in private family; eight hours daily; six days weekly; one from 8 to 5; another from 11 to 8; all off for lunch; no meals; sleep home; wages, $10. Apply--, etc.

HUSBAND (at dinner)--"By George, this is a regular banquet. Finest spread I've sat down to in an age. What's up? Do you expect company?"

WIFE--"No, but I think the cook does."

AGATHA-"Is your former cook happy since she inherited a fortune?"

AGNES-"No, she's all dressed up and no place to leave."

"Have you any cooks on hand?"

"Six in the anteroom."

"Ask 'em to look me over and see if there is anybody here I might suit."

THE NEW MAID--"In my last place I always took things fairly easy."

COOK--"Well, it's different here. They keep everything locked up."

Mrs. X. had lost her cook and had telephoned in vain for another. Dinner guests were expected and she was desperate. Finally, putting on her things, she went out, and she hadn't gone far when she met a neat-looking colored woman. She explained her dilemma and the colored woman listened in silence, then she said: "Where do yo' live, missus?"

Seeing a ray of hope joyfully, Mrs. X. gave her address, to be met with this reply:

"Well, yo 'jess go home an' look in yo' glass an' yo'll see yo' cook."

MISTRESS--"I want a maid who will be faithful and not a time-waster. Can you promise that?"

BRIDGET--"Indeed'n I can. I'm that scrup'lous, ma'am, about wastin' time that I make one job of prayin' and scrubbin'."

"Do you keep any servants?"

"No, of course, not."

"But I thought I saw one in your kitchen?"

"Oh, we have servants on the premises a day or two at a time; but we don't keep them."

FIRST MAID (bragging about a party given the day before by her mistress)--"And they all came in limousines, and had on the grandest clothes, and wore the biggest diamonds."

NEIGHBOR'S MAID--"And what did they talk about?"

FIRST MAID--"Us."

"I'm afraid I'll never be able to teach you anything, Maggie," was the despairing utterance of a Trenton woman to a new Irish domestic. "Don't you know that you should always hand me notes and cards on a salver?"

"Sure, mum, I knew," answered Maggie, "but I didn't know you did."

Bridget had been discharged. Extracting a five-dollar bill from her wage-roll, she threw it to Fido. Then the shocked mistress heard her exclaim: "Sure 'n' I niver fergit a frind; that's fer helpin' me wash the dishes."

_See also_ Recommendations.

SERVICE

_Payment_

We pay too much with money, pay Our debts with gold, and only gold-- Bestow a purse and turn away, And think that song is bought and sold. A queen paid Shakespeare for his wit, And thought that was the end of it.

We pay too much with money, deem A dollar can discharge a debt, Or buy a dress, or buy a dream, Perhaps a spray of mignonette. The deft designer, what of her? And who can pay a gardener?

We must pay money, and pay more-- The sustenance for daily need, And then the larger payment for The beauty dreamed, the planted seed-- With service pay for service, give The larger things by which we live.

Each has his gift and each his art That men for others must employ; We must contribute each his part To make the universal joy-- With service pay for service, pay Each in his own, his destined, way.

--_Douglas Malloch_.

SERVICE STAR

_The Gold Star_

Little golden service star, How I wonder who you are. Does a sweetheart, or a wife, Love you, little star of "Life?" Or a mother, proud but sad, Who gave all, her only lad? When I first beheld you there You were blue, born with a prayer. Golden star and star of blue-- With one soul God gave to you-- Do you know how proud we are Of the golden service star?

--_Beth Nichols_.

SHOPPING

CLERK--"Now see here little girl, I can't spend the whole day showing you penny toys. Do you want the earth with a little red fence around it for a cent?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Let me see it."

"How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?"

"When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper. When they're shopping they ask if you haven't something more expensive in stock."

In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets. After the clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blankets of every description and color, the lady thanked him and said: "I was just looking for a friend."

"Well, madam," said the obliging clerk, "if you think your friend is among these blankets, I'll look again."

"Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?"

"Yes; but why do you ask?"

"I was just thinking that you might have done better if you had shopped around a little more."

Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money. She rushed excitedly into the hardware department.

"Give me a mouse-trap!" she exclaimed. "Quickly, please, because I want to catch a train."

HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)--"Heavens! You must have had a successful shopping day."

WIFE--"Yes, dear, and that isn't the best of it. I have actually got something that I am going to keep."--_Life_.

An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering as well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a grocery and inquired:

"How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?"

"Eight, sir," replied the grocer.

"T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?"

"Some are tender and some tough," was the reply.

"I k-keep b-b-b-boarders," said the new customer. "P-pick out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please."

The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request, and said in his politest tones:

"These are the tough ones, sir."

Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and exclaimed:

"I'll t--t--take th--th--th--these!"

SIGHT SEEING

The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up the steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently.

"'Ere, you," he said to a man on top, "don't you want Westminster Abbey?"

"Yes," was the reply.

"Well," retorted the conductor, "come down for it. I can't bring it on the bus for you."

SIGNS

Eva S----, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City, was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station, charged with grand larceny. She is alleged to have stolen $160 worth of articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store.

The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store which read: "Customers, please take small packages home."

"Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?" asked a client of the cash tailor.

"Well, well," replied the man, rubbing his hands, "if it hadn't been for an apple where would the clothing business be today?"

In a large park in one of the Eastern cities there are seats about the bandstand with this notice posted on them:

"The seats in the vicinity of the bandstand are for the use of ladies. Gentlemen should make use of them only after the former are seated."

A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole.

"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"

"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer, "Well, why does the sign say, 'Fine for Hitching'?'"

You have heard perhaps, of the Englishman in the South Station, Boston, who read over a door "Inside Baggage," and chuckled with glee: "You Americans are so droll! Now we should say 'Refreshment Room.'"

Somebody ought to call attention to the public-library sign, "Only low talk is permitted here."

The small boy's parents had distinct ideas of discipline. The walls of the sitting-room were lined with tracts, and the cane was always kept behind "Love one another."

One day everything went wrong, and the little boy was whipped eight times.

After the eighth caning he said, between his sobs, "D-d-don't you think it's t-time to take the cane from behind 'L-love one another' and put it behind 'I n-n-need Thee every hour'?"

Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she came rushing home in high excitement.

"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There are splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap."

"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother asked in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you."

"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in her eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink. It says, 'This week only, children half price.'"

In Davenport: "We've given a service to our patrons that compels them to think of Crooks when there's any laundry work to be done." On a parsonage door in Trinidad, Colo.: "The last man who tried to work me is in jail." On a tombstone in Batavia: "If we must part let us go together." On State Street: "Open all night. Latest moving pictures." In a Morton Park dance-hall: "Use checkroom. Absolutely no clothes allowed in this room." (Attention of Mayor Harrison.) On Franklin Street: "Reign Umbrella Co." In the Spencer Hotel, Marion, Ind.: "Discourteous treatment, by the waiters, if reported to the proprietor, will be greatly appreciated."

Out in New Mexico even public signs come direct to the point. They do not waste any time in wondering how the reader will feel about it.

In a garage at Albuquerque is posted:

"Don't smoke round the tank! If your life isn't worth anything, gasoline is!"

Another home problem is solved by a firm of cleaners in Grinnell, Iowa, which advertises: "Notice--ladies--why worry about your dirty kids when we clean them for fifteen cents?"

"Our readers," says the Boston Transcript, "often go into movie theaters to laugh, but did you ever realize that you can get many a good laugh by reading the funny wording of some of the signs out in front and in the lobby? We have noticed how audiences enjoy these funny signs which have been shown on the screen in The Literary Digest 'Topics of the Day.' Here are some of the most laughable ones mentioned:

"Movie theater sign:

"'Watch Your Wife' Every Night This Week."

--_Albany Argus_.

"Sign in front of Harlem movie theater:

"'Mother, I Need You for Three Days Beginning Nov. 30'."

"Sign in front of movie house:

"'Geraldine Farrar, supported for the first time by her husband'."

--_Columbus (O.) Citizen_.

"This seems to be a very dangerous precipice," remarked the tourist. "I wonder that they have not put up a warning-board!"

"Yes," answered the guide, "it is dangerous. They kept a warning-board up for two years, but no one fell over, so it was taken down."

Mr. Roberts, a banker in a Western town, was very bald and was in the habit of wearing his hat in the bank during business hours. Every week a negro employee of the bank presented a check and drew his wages. One day, as he was putting the money in a worn and greasy wallet, the banker chanced to pass by, and asked, "Look here, John, why don't you let some of that money stay in the bank and keep an account with us?"

"Well, sah," replied the negro, leaning toward the banker and gazing curiously at the Panama hat he wore, "I'se always afeared. You see, sah, you look like you was always ready to start somewheres."

During revival meetings in a Western city placards giving notices of the various meetings, subjects, etc., were posted in conspicuous places. One day the following was displayed:

"Subject--'Hell: Its Location and Its Absolute Certainty.'

"Thomas Jones, barytone, will sing 'Tell Mother I'll Be There.'"

SILENCE

I think the first virtue is to restrain the tongue; he approaches nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even tho' he is in the right.--_Cato_.

Nothing at times is more expressive than silence.--_George Eliot_.

SIMPLIFIED SPELLING

_See_ Spelling.

SIN

NEW CURATE--"What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?"

PARISHIONER--"Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn't know what sin was till you came here."

Know'st thou not all germs of evil In thy heart await their time? Not thyself, but God's restraining, Stays their growth of crime.

--_Whittier_.

'Tis fearful building upon any sin; One mischief enter'd, brings another in: The second pulls a third, the third draws more, And they for all the rest set ope the door: Till custom take away the judging sense, That to offend we think it no offence.

--_Smith_.

_See also_ Lies.

SINGERS

A quartette is where all four think the other three can't sing.

SKEPTICS

The heavy black clouds had massed in the east and west, the lightning was flashing fiercely between the heavy incessant rolling of the thunder.

Francis was terribly frightened, and his fond mother had gathered her young hopeful and tried logically to calm his fears.

"Don't be afraid, darling. There's nothing to fear. God sends the thunderstorm to clear the air, water the flowers, and make it cooler for us. Now, don't cry, dear; it won't harm you, and everything will be better when it's over."

The little fellow listened intently, and as his mother finished he looked up at her gravely and said: "No, no, mother; you talk exactly the way you did last week when you took me to the dentist to have the tooth pulled."

This a sacred rule we find Among the nicest of mankind,-- To doubt of facts, however true, Unless they know the causes too.

--_Churchill_.

SLANG

A Franklin professor says slang has its place, and he might have added that the place seems to be everywhere.

"Do Englishmen understand American slang?"

"Some of them do. Why?"

"My daughter is to be married in London, and the earl has cabled me to come across."

SMILES

Smile! Never let your face look like a funeral; look like a search warrant. The bud that cannot blossom dries up in the stock. Smile, if you have to force it.

When your voice sounds like a benediction, when your face looks like an old lemon, folks are sure to sidestep you.

What you give out you are reasonably sure to take in.

Look for a fight and someone will put a black circle round your left eye.

Remember this: The face is more legible than an open book. You can read the face at a distance and get it all at a glance. The book compels you to thumb the leaves.

Smile, you son-of-a-gun, smile!

_If I Knew_

If I knew the box where the smiles are kept, No matter how large the key, Or strong the bolt, I would try so hard 'Twould open, I know, for me. Then over the land and sea, broadcast, I'd scatter the smiles to play, That the children's faces might hold them fast For many and many a day.

If I knew a box that was large enough To hold all the frowns I meet, I would like to gather them, every one, From nursery, school and street. Then, folding and holding, I'd pack them in, And, turning the monster key, I'd hire a giant to drop the box To the depths of the deep, deep sea.

"Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a little girl.

"Yes, sir; it's the whisper of a laugh."

SMOKING

"Have a cigar?"

"No--don't smoke now."

"Sworn off?"

"Nope; stopped entirely."

"Your wife doesn't kick about your smoking up the curtains."

"Nope, she can't have both curtains and coupons."

It was on a passenger train. The conductor in passing through observed a man with a cigar in his mouth. "Hey, you can't smoke in here," he bawled out.

"I'm not smoking," quietly replied the passenger.

"Well, you've got a cigar in your face," shot back the conductor.

"Suppose I have," continued the other good naturedly. "I've got feet in my shoes and I'm not walking."

_Mark Twain: A Pipe Dream_

Well I recall how first I met Mark Twain--an infant barely three Rolling a tiny cigarette While cooing on his nurse's knee.

Since then in every sort of place I've met with Mark and heard him joke, Yet how can I describe his face? I never saw it for the smoke.

At school he won a smokership, At Harvard College (Cambridge, Mass.) His name was soon on every lip, They made him "smoker" of his class.

Who will forget his smoking bout With Mount Vesuvius--our cheers-- When Mount Vesuvius went out And didn't smoke again for years?

The news was flashed to England's King, Who begged Mark Twain to come and stay, Offered his dukedoms--anything To smoke the London fog away.

But Mark was firm. "I bow," said he, "To no imperial command, No ducal coronet for me, My smoke is for my native land!"

For Mark there waits a brighter crown! When Peter comes his card to read-- He'll take the sign "No smoking" down, Then Heaven will be Heaven indeed.

--_Oliver Herford_.

SNOBBERY

A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful of patients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a very successful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audience in the main gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highly intelligent maniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, clapping the talented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come old fellow. You and I will get along fine. The other dippies here are so dashed dignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on airs about it."

SOCIALISTS

"What's the difference between a socialist and a plutocrat?"

"There are many; but the leading one is that the former fights for his principle and the latter for his interest."

SOCIETY

"Dad, what's a social scale?"

"Well, generally speaking old man, it's a place where money is weighed."

REGULAR CUSTOMER--"I shall want a large quantity of flowers from you next week for my daughter's coming out."

FLOWER WOMAN--"Yes, mum. You shall 'ave the very best for 'er, pore dear. Wot were she put in for?"--_Punch_.

WILLIS--"What makes you think it is easier for a rich man to land in Society than for an immigrant to land in America?"

GILLIS--"In the former case the literacy test isn't as strict."

AUNT--"You'll be late for the party, won't you, dear?"

NIECE--"Oh, no, auntie. In our set nobody goes to a party until everybody else gets there."

Man it attracted to society by a desire to improve himself; and leaves it for the same reason.

SOCIOLOGY

Catalog Class: "300 is the number for sociology. Now what does that word mean to you, children?" One little girl stands up, smooths out her frock, straightens her bow, folds her hands, and, being properly adjusted to recite, exclaims: "Sociology is a science that teaches you how to sew."

SOLDIERS

Noah would have saved future soldiers a lot of trouble if he had swatted those two cooties when they marched up the gang plank of the ark.

SOUND

Sound travels at the rate of 400 yards per second.

Exceptions to this rule:

Scandal: 1,000 yards.

Flattery: 500 yards.

Truth: 2-1/2 yards.

Alarm-clock:----?

SOUVENIRS

Secretary of State Lansing slipped out of the council chamber and went souvenir hunting in the palace. Luck was with him, he said, for he found a remarkable piece of antique wall-paper.

Next day a frantic Japanese stenographer was looking for his shorthand notes.

SPECULATION

"My wife watches the sugar market closely."

"Speculating?"

"In a small way. She borrows when it's high and pays back when it's low."

The old millionaire and his beautiful bride, after their quiet wedding, had a quiet wedding breakfast _a deux_. Astrakhan caviar, eggs pompadour, a truffled chicken, fresh California peas, champagne--so the quiet breakfast ran.

"My dear," said the old millionaire, as the fruit course, a superb Florida melon, came on, "tell me, dear"--and he laid his withered hand on her young one--"do you love me for what I am or for what I was?"

The beautiful girl smiled down from the window into the admiring eyes of a young clubman who was passing; then she bent her clear, considering gaze on the gray ruin opposite and replied:

"I love you, George, for what you will be."

HARPER--"Foozle has a great scheme and he invited me 'to get in on the ground floor.'"

CARPER--"Don't forget that that is where the trap-doors are."

HEWITT--"Don't you think I stand a good chance of making a fortune out of that mine?"

JEWITT--"Out of it, yes. In it, no."

SPEED

Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a horse out of his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drive fast.

One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral.

"Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn purpose for which his customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drive fast!"

"Look here, old man," was the reply, "I would like you to understand that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!"

INQUIRER (at South Station)--"Where does this train go?"

BRAKEMAN--"This train goes to New York in ten minutes."

INQUIRER--"Goodness! That's going some!"

With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling salesman inquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go faster than this?"

"Yes," the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my car."

"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I did a mile in four laps."

"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in one lap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp in my knees."--_Puck_.

A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying to the details of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the prisoner at the bar drew a revolver and began firing at one George Henry, and how Henry ran to save himself.

"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the defense.

"Dat's whut I said."

"You are sure he ran?"

"Sho" is!"

"Well, did he run fast?"

"Did he run fa--Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had one feather in his hand he'd o' flew."

SPELLING

If an S and an I, and an O and a U, With an X at the end spell "su," And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then if an S and an I and a G And an H E D spell "side," There's nothing much for a speller to do But go commit siouxeyesighed.

A Chicago man was walking through a foreign quarter of his city when, with an amused smile, he stopped in front of a small eating-place, on the window of which was painted in white, "Lam Stew."

Now the proprietor happened to be standing in the doorway, and when he saw the smile of the gentleman who had stopped in front of his place he asked to be favored with an explanation of the joke.

Whereupon the other explained about the missing "b" in "lamb," and the proprietor accepted the correction in good part, at the same time expressing his thanks.

When next the Chicago man passed that restaurant he found that the menu had been changed, but that the lesson in orthography had not been forgotten. The proprietor was now offering "Clamb Chowder." --_Harper's_.

"The spelling-book's all wrong, mama! It don't look right for a little thing like a kitten to have six letters and a big cat to only have three."

"What did you learn at the school?" the boss asked the fair young applicant for the stenographer's job.

"I learned," she replied, "that spelling is essential to a stenographer."

The boss chuckled,

"Good. Now let me hear you spell 'essential.'"

The fair girl hesitated for the fraction of a second.

"There are three ways," she replied. "Which do you prefer?"

And she got the job.

JONES--"'Ow is your 'ealth today, Mr. 'Arrison?"

HARRISON--"My name is not 'Arrison."

JONES--"Well, if a haitch, a hay, two hars, a hi, a hes, a ho and a hen don't spell 'Arrison, then what does it spell?"

A sailor was taken ill with a bad attack of rheumatism while mine-sweeping on a trawler.

The sick man was promptly ordered to hospital, but later on the doctor found out, quite by accident, that he was still on board ship.

Angrily he asked why his order had not been obeyed.

"Well," replied the captain, we tried to send him ashore, but a sergeant of police hailed us and said that on no account was he to be landed or we'd be fined £100, so we just kept him on board."

"But did you not signal to the depot, as I said."

"Yes, we did; but neither me nor the signalman knew how to spell rheumatism, so we called it smallpox."

_O-U-G-H_

_A Fresh Hack at an Old Knot_

I'm taught p-l-o-u-g-h S'all be pronounce "plow." "Zat's easy w'en you know," I say, "Mon Anglais, I'll get through!"

My teacher say zat in zat case, O-u-g-h is "oo" And zen I laugh and say to him, "Zees Anglaiz make me cough."

He say "Not coo," but in zat word, O-u-g-h is 'off' Oh, Sacre bleu! such varied sounds Of words makes me hiccough!

He say "Again mon frien' ees wrong; O-u-g-h is 'up' In hiccough." Zen I cry, "No more, You make my t'roat feel rough."

"Non, non!" he cry, "you are hot right; O-u-g-h is 'uff.'" I say, "I try to spik your words, I cannot spik zem though!"

"In time you'll learn, but now you're wrong! O-u-g-h is 'owe.'" "I'll try no more, I s'all go mad, I'll drown me in ze lough!"

"But ere you drown yourself," said he, "O-u-g-h is 'ock'." He taught no more, I held him fast, And killed him wiz a rough.

--_Charles Battell Loomis_.

"Pa, what's phonetic spelling?"

"It's a way of spelling that I often got whipped for when I was your age."

"I say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your letters? You don't keep a stenographer."

"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's exceedingly rocky."

"And what did my little son learn about this morning?"

"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses."

"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?"

It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger. He paused meditatively for a moment, then said:

"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was telling us about. It was a rat."

What does Ghoughphteightteau spell? Give it up?

Well, "gh" stands for "p" as in "hiccough"; "ough" stands for "o" as in "dough"; "phth" stands for "t" as in "phthisis"; "eigh" stands for "a" as in "neigh"; "tte" stands for "t" as in "gusitte," and "eau" stands for "o" as in "beau." Put them together and you have "P-O-T-A-T-O."

Easy, isn't it?

SPINSTERS

"Helen," said the teacher, "can you tell me what a 'myth' is?" "Yeth, ma'am," lisped Helen; "it ith a woman that hath not got any huthband."

WILLIS--"Going to the party?"

GILLIS--"No. I haven't any lady."

WILLIS--"Come with me. I've got two extras."

GILLIS--"Who are they?"

WILLIS--"Miss Oldbud and Miss Passé."

GILLIS--"They're not extras. They're early editions."

"I'm glad Billy had the sense to marry an old maid," said grandma at the wedding.

"Why, grandma?" asked the son.

"Well, gals is highty-tighty, and widders is kinder overrulin' and upsettin'. But old maids is thankful and willin' to please."

CHARLES--"Girls wish they were men."

HERBERT--"Why do you say that?"

"Because spinsters like to call themselves 'bachelor girls,' but no bachelor ever calls himself an 'old-maid man.'"

There is nothing like a good definition, as the teacher thought when he explained the meaning of "old maid," as a woman who had been made a long time.

STAMMERING

They were going home from school.

"Teacher said that that that that that girl used was superfluous."

"Here's the first pupil for my stammering school," said the business man as he introduced himself.

STAMPS

At the post-office a little girl deposited a dime in front of the clerk and said: "Please, I forgot the name of the stamp mama told me to get, but it's the kind that makes a letter hurry up."

STATISTICS

"If a man had put a hundred dollars in a savings bank twenty years ago," said the statistician after dinner, "it would amount to over two hundred now, and he could buy almost as much for it now as he could have got for the original hundred at the time he began to save."

STENOGRAPHERS

"How many stenographers have you?"

"Two."

"I've seen only one of them."

"Well, I've got a worse looking one to show my wife."

"I met your husband today and he was telling me that he is in love with his work."

"Was he, indeed? I must take a look in at the office."

_A Long-Merited Toast_

I used to toast the royal queens And queens of beauty rare; I drained my glass to lovely lass And to her eyes and hair; But in these day of sober drinks There's one whose health to me Means vastly more than beauty or The blood of royalty:

Here's to my stenographer! Long faithful to her duty. She'd win no prize for vampish eyes; Her freckles mar her beauty. Here's to her! Her specs! Her brain! I pledge her health in water! Cool, sober, staid, a precious maid; I love her--like a daughter!

She keeps my creditors at bay, Admitting only debtors; Collects the rent when she is sent, Or writes dry business letters; She always puts her fingers on The paper I require; Sums I can't add she's always glad To do, and doesn't tire.

Here's to her bonny, busy hands! They never are erratic. I hope that they will type away For years, nor grow rheumatic! Here's to her modest salary! (I'd blush if I should tell it!) But for her grit I'd have to quit My business--couldn't sell it.

_--Stanley R. Hofflund_.

A Chicago banker dictating a letter to his stenographer. "Tell Mr. Soandso," he ordered, "that I will meet him in Schenectady."

"How do you spell Schenectady?" asked the stenographer.

"S-c, S-c--er--er--er--- Tell him I'll meet him in Albany."

Stenographers can nod sometimes, even with the accuracy of the dictating machine. Recently a merchant dictating into one of these machines said:

"The gentleman in question has sold our products in Hayti for a period of over two years, and we have always found him satisfactory in every detail."

All came out all right in the transcription except one word, and that word was the change from Hayti to Hades! And the letter, being "dictated but not read," went!

"I seem to remember that girl. Who is she?"

"She was my typewriter last year."

"She's charming! Why did she leave you?"

"She was too conscientious for me. One day I proposed marriage to her, and what do you think she did? She took all that I said down in shorthand and brought it, nicely type-written, for me to sign!"

STOCK EXCHANGE

AUNT JANE (at the Stock Exchange)--"With seats selling at $60,000, no wonder they are all standing up."

FOOTLIGHT--"I see another seat at the Stock Exchange has been sold for $55,000."

Miss SUE BEETTE--"Wouldn't it be awful if the man who paid for it found it was right behind a post!"

STRATEGY

WILLIE WILLIS--"Pa, what's strategy?"

PAPA WILLIS--"Usually darn poor judgment that happens to work out all right."

A young lady took down the receiver and discovered that the telephone was in use. "I just put on a pan of beans for dinner," she heard one woman complacently informing another.

She hung up the receiver, and waited. Three times she waited, and then, exasperated, she broke into the conversation.

"Madam, I smell your beans burning," she announced crisply. A horrified scream greeted the remark, and the young lady was able to put in her call.

A lady entered a railroad-car and took a seat in front of a newly married couple. She was hardly seated before they began making remarks about her.

Her last year's bonnet and coat were fully criticised with more or less giggling on the bride's part, and there is no telling what might have come next if the lady had not put a sudden stop to the conversation by a bit of strategy.

She turned her head, noticed that the bride was considerably older than the groom, and, in the smoothest of tones, said:

"Madam, will you please ask your son to close the window?"

The "son" closed his mouth, and the bride no longer giggled.

"Fore!" shouted the golfer, ready to play.

But the woman on the course paid no attention.

"Fore!" he repeated, with not a bit more effect than the first time.

"Try her with 'Three ninety-eight,'" suggested his partner. "She may be one of those bargain-counter fiends."

Hans and Fritz, two small boys, had gone to the rink to skate. Hans's overcoat hampered him and he wanted to get rid of it. The German coat-room person does not check your coat unless you pay your fee. The fee was only a penny, but Hans did not have the penny. He was at a loss.

"Huh! it's dead easy," spoke up Fritz. "Give me your overcoat. I'll take it to the man at the checking place and say I found it. He'll put it away. When you are ready to go home you go to him and ask if anybody has turned a lost overcoat in to him. Then, of course, you'll get yours."

STREET-CARS

A very pretty but extremely slender girl entered a street car and managed to seat herself in a narrow space between two men. Presently a portly colored mammy entered the car, and the pretty miss, thinking to humiliate the men for lack of gallantry, arose.

"Aunty," she said, with a wave of her hand toward the place she had just vacated, "take my seat."

"Thank you, missy," replied the colored woman, smiling broadly, "but which gen'man's lap was you sittin' on?"

"Madam," said the man in the street-car, "I know I ought to get up and give you my seat, but unfortunately I've recently joined the Sit Still Club."

"That's all right, sir," replied the woman. "And you must excuse me for staring at you so hard: I am a member of the Stand and Stare Club."

She proved herself so active and conscientious a member that the man began to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. Finally he rose and said: "Take my seat, madam; I guess I'll resign from my club and join yours."

STRIKES

TEACHER--"Now, if I paid one man two dollars a day for seven days, another three dollars and fifty cents for ten days, and another four dollars and seventy-five cents for six days--"

REDDY BACKROW (whose father belongs to the union)--"You'd have the durndest strike on your hands you ever saw, teacher."

"Everybody's striking," Said the Old Clock on the shelf; "It seems to be the fashion. So I think I'll strike myself.

"But striking is my business-- Did you ever see such luck I'll have to give up striking Just to show folks that I've struck!"

THE LADY-"So you're really one of the strikers?"

THE LOAFER-"Yus, lidy. I'm wot they call one o' the pioneers o' the movement. I went on strike twenty-three years ago, lidy, and I ain't never give in yet."

A strike is not a "brake on industry." It's a displaced switch.

THE FATHER--"But have you enough money to marry my daughter?"

THE SUITOR--"Well, sir, at the moment I only get 300 francs a month, but by going on strike every other month for higher wages, I shall be getting 1,000 francs by the end of the year."

EMPLOYER--"There's a spirit of unrest among my men."

VISITOR--"What about?"

EMPLOYER--"Because they can not find any excuse to go out on a strike."--_Judge_.

SUBSTITUTES

Speaking of substitutes for gasoline, there is the street-car ticket.

"Neurasthenia," said Mrs. Biggums to her cook, "I think we will have some chicken croquettes today out of that leftover pork and calves' liver."

"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called Teeny for short. "An' we got a little bread dressin' what went wid the pork, mum. Shall I make some apple sauce out'n hit, mum?"

A very pretty young woman had been asked to dinner by the mother of a young man who admired her very much.

While waiting for dinner to be announced the four-year-old niece of the young man came into the room and climbed into the lap of her uncle, of whom she seemed very fond.

The young lady said coaxingly: "Come, Mary, give me a kiss"; but the child hid her face on her uncle's arm. The young woman urged the child to come to her, saying again: "Won't you give me a kiss?"

The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."

"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went and chawed up the court Bible."

"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible."

MR. NEWLYWED--"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"

MRS. NEWLYWED--"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just sewed up the buttonhole."--_Judge_.

TOURIST (in village notion-store)--"Whaddya got in the shape of automobile-tires?"

SALESLADY--"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts."--_Judge_.

SUBURBS

"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"

"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish delight of the city."

SUBWAYS

"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"

"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in Brooklyn."

FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR--"We may have to provide more seats."

SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled Banner' played on all cars."--_Life_.

SUCCESS

Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in the right place and keeping the good work up--it's head work.

_He Must Dig_

He wanted a job, and, like every one else, He wanted a good one, you know; Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, And the salary must'nt be low. He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, And he half turned away with a shrug. But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade--he dug.

He worked with a will that is bound to succeed, And the months and the years went along. The way it was rough and the labor was hard, But his heart he kept filled with a song. Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged Just as hard as he ever could plug; Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit--as he dug.

The day came at last when they called for the spade, And gave him a pen in its place. The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste, And victory shone in his face. We can't always get what we hope for at first-- Success cuts many queer jigs-- But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed--if he digs.

--_Pleasant Hours_.

There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who enters forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Not even his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key that will unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself. No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much for you as you can do for yourself.

It's doing your job the best you can And being just to your fellowman; It's making money, but holding friends, And staying true to your aims and ends; It's figuring how and learning why, And looking forward and thinking high, And dreaming a little and doing much; It's always keeping in closest touch, With what is finest in word and deed; It's being thorough, yet making speed; It's struggling on with a will to win, But taking loss with a cheerful grin; It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth And making better this good old earth; It's serving, striving through strain and stress, It's doing your noblest--that's Success.

_Six Suggestions for Success_

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievement of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile for every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will have no time to criticize others.

To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear.

To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world--not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world only watches the successes.

Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do things that can be done.

Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, will help.

You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over your blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you, "He's no good."

Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let you down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Think down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down.

Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Then think and work for it.

Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay.

In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun.

_It Couldn't Be Done_

Somebody said that it couldn't be done, But he with a chuckle replied That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried. So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin On his face. If he worried he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done--and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that-- At least, no one ever has done it"; But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat, And the first thing we knew he'd begun it. With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, Without any doubting or quiddit, He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done--and he did it.

There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done, There are thousands who prophecy failure; There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, The dangers that wait to assail you. But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, Then take off your coat and go to it. Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing That "cannot be done"--and you'll do it.

--_Edgar A. Guest_.

A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher.

"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his rapid rise to.

"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered promptly.

"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How would you define power of initiative?"

"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher."

It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well, "though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world will make a beaten track to your door."

While you are flirting with success And making plans to nab it, Some other chap, who fusses less, May rush right up and grab it.

The two keys to success are luck and pluck--luck in finding some one to pluck.--_Life_.

"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy."

"Are there no short cuts, father?"

"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the short cuts."

"How is your little brother, Johnny?"

"Sick abed. He hurt himself."

"That's too bad. How did he do it?"

"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."

_See also_ Determination.

SUITORS

The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself.

The nice beau with the little automobile.

The not-so-nice one with the big automobile.

The handsome suitor who talks about himself.

The man who likes theaters and tea.

The man who would make a better uncle than husband.

The one who means well.

The right man.

"My dear," said the proud father, "I can not understand your objection to young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure that he is a model young man."

"There is no question about his being a model," replied the bewitching beauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he is a 1912 model."

HER MOTHER--"My daughter sings, plays the piano, paints, understands botany, zoology, French, Italian--in fact is accomplished in every way. And you, sir?"

PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW--"Well, in an emergency I suppose I could cook a little and mend the socks."

SUMMER RESORTS

"We are taking in boarders this summer."

"Have they found it out yet?"

SUNDAY

The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from "de gang," engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good lady of the house ventured a protest and suggestion.

"Boys," she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you mustn't play ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and play, if you must."

"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on in the back-yard. It ain't Sunday there."

_Sunday the Thirteenth_

Must the new morn Be a Blue morn? Must we backward turn to find The kind of day To while away The stalwart modern mind?

Must the Sun day Be the one day When the sun is banned to all? Must our play day Be a gray day Locked behind a prison wall?

Must the rest day Be a pest day? Must we bore ourselves to death By boding ill From sitting still To curb each merry breath?

Must the feast day Be the least day, Robbed of all the things we'd seek? Must our proud day Be a shroud day With rehearsals once a week?

--_Mabel Haughton Collyer_.

_Keeping Calm_

I have my share of grief and care, Beyond the slightest doubt; I have enough of dreadful stuff Each day to fret about. So when I see prepared for me A line of stuff like this: "The Sabbath gang now want to hang The man who steals a kiss! They'd kill the joy of man and boy, Who'd spend the Sabbath day By motoring where song birds sing, And put all fun away!" I do not fret and get upset, And let that frighten me; Let others storm--that's one reform That's never going to be!

--_Edgar A. Guest_.

Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise the question of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor recreation, is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath schedule of toilers who work from sun to sun six days a week.

LADY (to small boy who is fishing)--"I wonder what your father would say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?"

BOY--"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little farther up the stream."

FOND MOTHER--"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play with your soldiers on Sunday."

REGINALD--"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday."

"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the Sabbath."

"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl who was engaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once."

Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of resting but of arresting.

When the New York National League ball club was playing in Boston, a local clergyman called at the hotel where the players were stopping one Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand against playing on the Sabbath.

The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: "Sorry, sir, but Mr. Mathewson is out playing golf."--_Everybody's_.

SUNDAY SCHOOLS

"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather do--live, or die an' go to heaven?"

"Ah'd rather live."

"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't done yo' no good'tall!"--_Life_.

JIMMIE AND BOBBIE--"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday school any other day, but it just spoils Sunday."

Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very joyous mood. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed as he entered the house, "the superintendent said something awfully nice about me in his prayer this morning!"

"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the mother.

"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"

SUPERSTITION

MRS. WIGGS--"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?"

MRS. SKINNER--"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no stummick can stand thirteen buns! It's an unlucky number."-_Puck_.

"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"

"Not I."

"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a silly superstition."

"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay day."

SURPRISE

"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" inquired the happy youth.

"About as surprised," answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate who has received formal notification that he has been nominated."

Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees shooting craps during working hours. "Oh! what is the matter with you?"

"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber heels."

SYMPATHY

BEGGAR--"I haven't tasted food for a month."

DYSPEPTIC--"You ain't missing much. It's the same old taste."

Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor noticed a man who he thought was asleep.

"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.

"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.

"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"

"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the passenger. "I hate to see the women standing."

SYNONYMS

TEACHER--"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"

HAWKINS--"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when you cannot spell the other one."

TACT

"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband.

"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife's mother, in a private interview.

"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so."

Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer. One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized to find him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it. "I don't see how you got him to turn the freezer," she said to her husband; "I offered him a dime to do it."

"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear," replied the husband. "I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an hour."

MRS. X.--"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? Why don't you try my plan?"

MRS. Y.--"What is your plan?"

MRS. X.--"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves before I press the button. If it proves to be some one I don't want to see, I simply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going out.'"

MRS. Y.--"But suppose it's some one you want to see?"

MRS. X.--"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come in.'"

WIFE--"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today is my birthday."

HUSBAND--"Er--listen, love. I know I forgot it, but there isn't a thing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago."

Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When the dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and given a place next to her mother at the table.

The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating some interesting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anything to eat.

After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer. With the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as she could and said:

"Does anybody want a clean plate?"

A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing a much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this 'ere mended."

After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, sir, the cost of repairing will be double what you gave for it."

"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you mend it?"

"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price."

"Well," remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on the nose for it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll mend it."

An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also a professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she would address the great man.

"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked.

"Oh! just as you wish," was the reply; "as a matter of fact, some people call me an old idiot."

"Indeed," she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that know you."

The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After the song had been given, she came up with a smiling face to her guest, and made the ambiguous remark:

"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can not sing--I know now!"

THE HOST--"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner."

THE GUEST--"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that."

TALKERS

Words are like leaves, and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.

--_Pope_.

"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel unaccompanied and discovered that the acoustic properties of her room were such that every time she spoke aloud there was an echo. She then made a bold attempt to get in a last word, and in so doing talked herself to death."

"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round," said Uncle Eben, "ain' no mo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an axle."

The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking during school hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect, that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of his son's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report were these words, "Tommy talks a great deal."

In due time the report was returned with these words after the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."

_Just Suppose_

If all that we say In a single day, With never a word left out, Were printed each night In clear black and white, 'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt.

And then just suppose Ere one's eyes he could close. He must read the day's record through, Then wouldn't one sigh, And wouldn't he try A great deal less talking to do?

And I more than half think That many a kink Would be smoother in life's tangled thread, If one-half that we say In a single day Were left forever unsaid.

Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting room, started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor endured it patiently and gave her another bottle. At last she started out, and the doctor was congratulating himself, when she stopped and exclaimed: "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated."

"I know it isn't," wearily replied the medical man. "You don't find grass on a race track."

Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too studious. She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered and when she saw the ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, "That means I'll have to go out nights. He says I talk too much!"

_See also_ Wives; Woman.

TARDINESS

MR. PECK--"Would you mind compelling me to move on, officer? I've been waiting on this corner three hours for my wife!"--_Puck_.

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.

"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one, "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."

"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus," said the man to his colored chauffeur.

"Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, sah."

"Where is that clock I gave you?"

"In my room, sah."

"Don't you wind it up?"

"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah."

"And do you set the alarm?"

"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah."

"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?"

"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes off while I'm asleep, sah."

Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved his students for coming late to class.

"This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea."

At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. Professor Copeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked bitingly:

"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?"

"Without the lemon, please," Miss Brown answered quite gently.

TAX

The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman who can devise a tax nobody will be able to detect.

MACPHERSON (at the box office)--"Will ye kindly return me the amount I paid for amusement tax?"

CLERK--"Why, sir?"

MACPHERSON--"We wasna amused."

The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking to a passenger.

"The judge certainly did soak him," he said. "He sentenced him to three years and ten days. Now I understand the three years all right; but what the ten days were for I'd like to know?"

"That was the war-tax," said a quiet citizen who got abroad at the tenth floor.

MRS. CASEY--"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot incoom-tax paper, Casey?"

CASEY--"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi save by not havin' anny."--_Life_.

The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it!

You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!

TEACHERS

FATHER (meaningly)--"Who is the laziest member of your class, Tommy?"

TOMMY--"I don't know, pa."

FATHER--"I should think you should know. When all the others are industriously studying or writing their lessons, who is it sits idly in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself?"

TOMMY--"The teacher."

The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty dollars for the best argument in compact form for better salaries for teachers. The editor of The Reporter humbly submits to the editor of The Digest this bit of pathos:

"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"

"Flat. I'm a teacher."

The kindergarten had been studying the wind all week--its power, effects, etc.--until the subject had been pretty well exhausted. To stimulate interest, the kindergartner said, in her most enthusiastic manner: "Children, as I came to school today in the trolley-car, the door opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. What do you think it was?"

And the children joyfully answered, "The conductor!"--_Harper's_.

"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty years ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousand dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left her an estate valued at $49,999.50."

"Pa," inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is it true that school-teachers get paid?"

"Certainly it is," said the father.

"Well, then," said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. Why should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?"

While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of the state association she sent all of her little pupils a postcard greeting. Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card wrote: "I hope you are enjoying our vacation."

_See also_ Fords.

TEACHING

About the most hopeful element in any human being's character I should reckon to be teachableness.

Wherever you meet a man who knows--and knows he knows--and wards off any proof of reasoning of yours with the impenetrable shield of a superior smile or the dull hostility of a determined eye, you feel that between you and him there can be no real dealings.

The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider one's experience, the more thorough his study, the braver his heart, and the stronger his intelligence, the more willing he is to hear what you or any man may have to offer.

Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of conscious weakness. When one can do nothing else to show his strength he imitates the mule--the most despised of animals.

Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity are self-conceit and the laziness coming from self-conceit.--_Dr. Frank Crane_.

TEARS

_See_ Woman.

TELEGRAPH

"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the magistrate of the man who was summoned for assault.

"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he starts readin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one."

"Pap," said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate on de way dat de telegraph works."

"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus," said the old man. "Hit am like dis. Ef dere was a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in Bosting an' his tail in New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail in New Yo'k he'd bark in Bosting. Understan', Rastus?"

"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?"

For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered easily: "Jess prezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat de dawg am 'maginary."

An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of their respective countries.

"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in Scotland and found many wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoon there hoondreds o' years ago."

"Well," said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in Oireland, and there was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew all about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hundreds av years ago."

Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on one of the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news out!"

TELEPHONE

The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in Japan is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He concludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called up her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talked to herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo."

A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between her Cape girl and the one next door:

"How are you, Katje?"

"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing, elastic lights and a hoosit."

"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?"

"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'Hello,' and then some one says 'Hello,' and you say 'Hoosit.'"

"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for the first time in eighty-three years."

"She must be on a party line."

The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes:

"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"

EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)--"Hello? Who is this? Who is this, I say?"

MAN AT OTHER END--"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourself who you are."

"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone, "that I'll go fishing."

"Didn't know you cared for fishing."

"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myself at the end of a line that isn't busy."

"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised between his thumb and forefinger.

"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was."

"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire.

"McCohan," the customer answered.

"I beg pardon?" asked the girl.

The man repeated it.

The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment, please. I think the wires are crossed."

"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, "who when he had got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely, 'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J. Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. Buckover.' His funeral was the largest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, and thereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convinced that they would never again see his like."--_Judge_.

Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.

The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.

Again she said he would have to speak louder.

Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:

"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin' ould telephone at all!"

_See also_ Strategy.

TEMPER

Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when her grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the child would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy with her naughty temper.

Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and then said, wisely:

"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves."

TEMPERANCE

THE MAN (to a New York waiter)--"--and a glass of good beer!"

THE WAITER--"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages."

THE MAN--"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island."

THE WAITER--"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of Providence."

A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all intoxicants.

"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was at the bottom of the ocean," he said.

Hastily Pat arose to his feet.

"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was at the bottom of the sea."

As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat.

"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave thing for you to rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?"

"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver."

Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet was discussing a drink cure of little efficacy.

"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old man with a red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said:

"I'd like to take the pledge if you please."

"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to take it for?"

"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for life."

TEMPTATION

Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be led into.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gone in search of the Fourteen Points?

THEATER

Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:

Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs were being served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interest in the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered the youngster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign of annoyance.

"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, quietly. "It is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights."

A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man behind him could not see at all.

"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively, touching the big man on the shoulder.

"Can't see anything, hey?"

"No, sir, I can't see a thing."

"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when I do."

A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening at the theater.

"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."

The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked.

"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her.

The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!"

A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because, though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no door into my theater through which God can not see."

AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)--"I want to hear at least one of your famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors."

NEPHEW (to office boy)--"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville and movies."--_Life_.

THERMOMETER

Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.

"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.

"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and outside," the son answered.

"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin' up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another thermometer."

THIEVES

He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large. He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer thought it time to intervene.

"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"

"Nothin'," replied the small boy.

"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though you are trying to steal those apples."

"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to."

A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to work.

"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked up at once!"

The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.

"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that this house isn't safe."--_Harper's_.

In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable as money.

At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:

"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"

"Why?" asked the warden.

"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers.

THRIFT

Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave the office or not.

Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner. I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back."

Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."

BUTTONS--"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"

SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN--"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay for the bed."

SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)--"And your father is working now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does he put away every Saturday night, my dear?"

LITTLE GIRL--"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"

HE--"I am a poor man, you know."

SHE--"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."

HE--"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw materials?"

See also Economy; Scotch, The.

TIDES

The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.

This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.

"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the Brooklyn side the next."

TIME

_Time's Prisoner_

I am content with Now, whate'er befall, Whether I will or no, Today is all; No matter whether swift or slow my tread I find tomorrow still a day ahead; I cannot overtake eternity-- It turns to time and slips away from me, And in like wise I go upon my way Only a day ahead of yesterday!

--_Harry Kemp_.

One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin' you three hours and you ain't had a bite."

"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a bite."

Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.

The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's later than I've ever knowed it to be."

PROF (in geology)--"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years."

SOPH--"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!"

"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"

"From one pay-day to the next."

CALLER--"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"

CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER--"Goodness, no! She won't be at home today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterday yet."--_Life_.

FIRST LOAFER--"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike."

SECOND LOAFER--"Wat 'ave they struck for?"

FIRST LOAFER--"Shorter hours."

SECOND LOAFER--"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for an hour."

"Time is precious," said the parson.

"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awful lot of it."

"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the good man.

"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by being punctual in keeping my appointments with others."

_See also_ Daylight saving.

TIPS

The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In thanking him she said:

"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden."

"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in the Garden of Eden."

Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner.

LUNCHER--"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only just sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip for you."

WAITER (confidently)--"Would you mind just letting me 'ave another look at the bill, sir?"

He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual phenomenon he had noted.

"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?"

"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to find out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich."

"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"

"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor."

"I see. And discretion?"

"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day."

TOURISTS _See_ Travelers.

TRADE

When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat their competitors into foreign markets.

TRADE MARKS

Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks.

TRADE UNIONS

TEACHER--"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day, what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?"

JOHNNY--"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union."

"What are you doin' of, James?"

"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil."

"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job,"

TRAMPS

TRAMP--"Madam, I was at the front--"

KIND-HEARTED LADY--"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war. Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits."

TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobody answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum."

MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)--"Out of work, are you? Then you're just in time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to send for a man to do it."

TRAMP--"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him."

BOXCAR HARRY--"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pie or cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?"

LADY OF THE HOUSE--"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butter do?"

BOXCAR HARRY--"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, this is my birthday."

TRAVELERS

A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the time of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she would have some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are there any shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the one you people are making."

The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.

Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an afternoon tea given in her honor.

"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.

"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my husband always bought the tickets."

_See also_ Americans; Destination.

TREES

I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's most flowing breast.

A tree that looks at God all day And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree.

--_Joyce Kilmer_.

TRENCHES

CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like)--"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite."--_Punch_.

TROUBLE

The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell upon her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them. "Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed when de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate."

TRUTH

Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination.

Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back and sting you.

FIRST STUDENT (wearily)--"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; I have to make out my expense account."

SECOND (more hopefully)--"Why don't you tell the truth and get a good night's rest?"

The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matter was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness.

"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversation occurred."

"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, "excep' dat each one was callin' de other what dey is."

"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person.

"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutch for some time after."

UMBRELLAS

"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith.

"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it."

FIRST ARTIST--"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend."

SECOND ARTIST--"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend tells him that the owner wants it."

"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Because father hasn't been to church this year."--_Puck_.

"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life."

The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the window.

"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella! May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"

"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my umbrella!"

UNEXPECTED

"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the Sage.

"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn to expect it?"

UNITED STATES

After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to Amley:

"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain't it?"

"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move my desk."

VACATIONS

Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.

A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.

JUDGE--"Six months!"

COS COB CON--"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where I'm going ter spend de summer."

VALUE

There, little dollar, don't you cry; You _may_ buy something by and by.

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you take for your cow?"

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the railroad?"

CALLER--"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as you are doing."

HOST--"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he demands a quarter."

FOOTPAD--"Your money or your life!"

MRS. TIGHTLY--"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50 cents."

VANITY

Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but she had one fault--she was inclined to be vain. At every available opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass. Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty of correcting it.

"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked.

"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.

"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made us."

"Did nature make you, papa?"

"Yes."

"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she used to?"

VEGETARIANS

"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"

"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our dog isn't.'"

Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a vegetarian."

Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she said; "I'se a vegetarian."

VENTILATION

American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers and said:

"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"

The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a single ventilator open in the whole car!"

VOICE

Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.--_Talleyrand_.

VOTING

PAT--"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"

MIKE--"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"

PAT--"They didn't ask me to--they paid me cash."

In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent election the local option question was up. After the election the clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The son-of-a-gun repeated."

DORA-"How did you vote?"

FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque."

"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty young wife, "I will be as influential in politics as my husband."

"How is that?" asked her friend.

"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times his choice was elected."

WAGES

The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon," Are very few, it seems to me; I count you over, every dime apart, MY SALARY. My salary!

Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk." To earn them is an awful grind; I count each dime unto the end, and there-- A "dun" I find.

Oh toil, that is so poorly paid! Oh salary, spent before we greet! I kiss each dime, and try to find a way To make ends meet-- Ye gods! To make ends meet!

--_Anne Alfreda Mellish_.

Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case.

A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy handed over his "pigsticker."

"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with undisguised admiration.

"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants."

FIRST LABORING MAN--"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

SECOND DITTO--"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."_--Punch_.

The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.

"Money,"' he replied.

"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"

"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.

WAR

Some nations were fighting fiercely.

"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to curiosity.

"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.

Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the combatants and limped lamely away.

"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to the bottom of the matter.

"Don't speak to me--I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, somewhat pettishly.

"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"

"Well, all I can say is--them what finds it is quite welcome to keep it."

If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan.

The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying that it is round.

VISITOR--"It's a terrible war, this, young man--a terrible war."

MIKE (badly wounded)--"'Tis that, sor--a tirrible warr. But 'tis better than no warr at all."_--Punch_.

_See also_ European War.

WEALTH

BENNETT--"My, Storer must be rich."

JONES--"How so?"

BENNETT--"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."

WEATHER

A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather today out there?"

"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.

An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did you say sun was or was not shining?"

And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to beat the band now."

And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"

To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the snow away again."

_Indian Summer_

November days are here again With chilly eve and morn-- Dame Nature's voice in warning raised That Winter's blasts are born.

But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads And Earth to sleep beguiles, Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, Looks back at us and smiles.

One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:

"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"

"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"

"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."

What is it moulds the life of man? The Weather! What makes some black and others tan? The Weather! What makes the Zulu live in trees, And Congo natives dress in leaves, While others go in fur and freeze? The Weather!

What makes the summer warm and fair? The Weather! What causes winter underwear? The Weather! What makes us rush and build a fire, And shiver near the glowing pyre-- And then on other days perspire? The Weather!

What makes the Cost of Living high? The Weather! What makes the Libyan Desert dry? The Weather! What is it men in ev'ry clime, Will talk about till end of time? What drove our honest pen to rhyme? The Weather!

Kansas--When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for three days.

I remember, I remember, Ere my childhood flitted by, It was cold then in December, And was warmer in July. In the winter there were freezings-- In the summer there were thaws; But the weather isn't now at all Like what it used to was!

WEDDINGS

Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.

"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.

"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned the passenger.

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"

Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.

"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."

"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda like to be there."

WELSH

Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.

A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow--shillings, sixpences and coppers--and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, "That's easier."

A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.

The undertaker was a Welshman.

WESTMINSTER ABBEY

It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."

WHISKY

A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:

"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"

"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.

"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by."

_See also_ Drinking.

WIDOWS

"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, "become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of thing.--_Punch_.

Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad man."

WINDOWS

Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window; and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept open at night.

Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller would be worth the price of admission.

WISDOM

"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"

"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother."

True wisdom laboring to expound, Heareth others readily; Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth Up her mind to argument.

--_Tupper_.

WISHES

MABEL--"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush upholstering and all the modern appliances."

ALICE--"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"

"No."

"Well, why not?"

"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"

HE--"But, Alice, you don't want that!"

SHE--"How will I know until I get it?"

WITNESSES

The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant.

"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.

For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer.

"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law.

The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the fly crows.'"

And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere.

A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home to."

"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman.

"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."

"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."

A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.

"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and amused.

The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the words: "To appear in his father's suit."

The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness. Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on the jury.

"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them."

"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?" demanded the lawyer.

"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than all of them put together."

"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand.

"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."

"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the truth?"

"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win de case, sah."

PRISON VISITOR--"What terrible crime has this man committed?"

JAILER--"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."

"Where is Tough Jim?"

"He is out on bail."

WIVES

"Are you the captain of your soul?"

"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.

"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake. It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife." "Why, so it is, father,--whose wife shall I take?"

--_Thomas Moore_.

The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to mend his clothes.

"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a patriarch.

"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'

"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are aroused at once.

"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few more flourishes.

"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to me at once.'

"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.

"'Why, it only needs--'; and then she mends it."

"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.

"I'm not pensive," she replied.

"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."

"Well, I didn't have anything to say."

"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"

"No."

"Will you be my wife?"

"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"

"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."--_Life_.

MRS. KNAGG--"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"

HUSBAND--"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a rest."

"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone--completely gone."

"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."

A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up."

A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:

"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener that ever lived had a wife."

"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep his job long after he gat the wife."

CREWE--"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."

DREW--"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop."

CREWE--"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."

Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning.

"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."

"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my trousers pocket."

_And Then Some_

MAN expects his wife to be: Perpetuator of the Race. Domestic Science Expert. Trained Kindergartner. Social Diplomat. Purchasing Agent. Superintendent of Operating. Accountant. Social Secretary. General Counsel. Manager Lost and Found Department. Advertising Agent. Intelligence Bureau. Family Statistician. Mistress of the Exchequer. Playground Supervisor. Judge of Juvenile Court. Valet. Nurse. Employer of Labor. Artist in the Art of Living. WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.

MRS. A.--"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"

MRS. B.--"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or asking for a new dress."

There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:

An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of the worst type," he exclaimed.

The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced: "Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"

_See also_ Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman

WOMAN

The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes the plans so frequently that the job is never finished.

_If They Meant All They Said_

Charm is a woman's strongest arm; My charwoman is full of charm; I chose her, not for strength of arm But for her strange, elusive charm.

And how tears heighten woman's powers! My typist weeps for hours and hours: I took her for her weeping powers-- They so delight my business hours.

A woman lives by intuition. Though my accountant shuns addition She has the rarest intuition. (And I myself can do addition.)

Timidity in girls is nice. My cook is so afraid of mice. Now you'll admit it's very nice To feel your cook's afraid of mice.

--_A.D. Miller_.

"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'."

"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."

"What an immense experience with them he must have had."

"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"

"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the speeches first."

A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me," he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to find!"

"Hello! Is this a party wire?"

"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."

A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:

"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?"

"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied:

"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"

A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will--"

"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau--"bet on anything that she will do. You can never tell what a woman will do."

"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected."

"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is not a safe bet."

The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you can hear.

When lovely woman wants a favor, And finds, too late, that man won't bend, What earthly circumstance can save her From disappointment in the end?

The only way to bring him over, The last experiment to try, Whether a husband or a lover, If he have feeling is--to cry.

--_Poebe Cary_.

During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was overheard muttering:

"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to pass--the end of the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women muzzled."--_Judge_.

A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar Harbor:

"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."

"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid while so few are blind."

HE--"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make up her mind."

SHE (the hated rival)--"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"

Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is exerting an influence.

The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"

His strong-minded fiancée looked sternly at him for a moment and replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"--_Judge_.

ONE--"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own."

THE OTHER--"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"

Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"

"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned father.

During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated argument over that old theme, "Man _versus_ Woman."

"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women are more finicky than men."

"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of domestic science.

"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to find it."

"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10 trying to win it back."

_Woman_--A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures.

_See also_ Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman suffrage; Worry.

WOMAN SUFFRAGE

"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw down the newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines.

"What seems silly?"

"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't but one be elected, can there?"

"Of course not."

"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just the man who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go on about their business, as all this talk and running around isn't going to do them any good after all?"

"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie."

"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles."

"Eh, what?"

"Is he after me or my vote?"

WARD HEELER--"Are women trying to reform politics?"

DISTRICT LEADER--"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab the jobs."

FIRST LADY--"Did you vote with all those vile people?"

SECOND LADY--"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt."

"Wimmin voters this year."

"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like little girls."

"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head."

"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did you vote this morning?"

"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned Mrs. Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot. This is no time to consider individuals and their little personal ambitions."

There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffrage they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing their votes.--_Puck_.

"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired the judge.

"Failure to support."

"But you live in apparent luxury."

"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted."

"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of the past, thanks to woman suffrage."

"What do you have reference to?"

"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballot twenty-four hours before election?"

WOMAN'S RIGHTS

_Why We Oppose Pockets For Women_

1. Because pockets are not a natural right.

2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they did, they would have them.

3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.

4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is without the additional burden of pockets.

5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to whose pockets were to be filled.

6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.

7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.

8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason to suppose that women would use them more wisely.

WORK

Oh, would that working I might shun, From labour my connection sever, That I might do a bit or none Whatever!

That I might wander over hills, Establish friendship with a daisy, O'er pretty things like daffodils Go crazy!

That I might at the heavens gaze, Concern myself with nothing weighty, Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days-- Or eighty.

Why can't I cease a slave to be, And taste existence beatific On some fair island hid in the Pacific?

Instead of sitting at a desk 'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking-- Oh, say, what is there picturesque In working?

But no!--to loaf were misery!-- I love to work! Hang isles of coral! (To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)

--_Thomas R. Ybarra_.

Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do nothing, he can achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without working.--_Dewey_.

If you are poor--work. If you are rich--continue to work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities--work. If you are happy--keep right on working. Idleness gives room for doubts and fears. If disappointments come--work. If sorrow overwhelms you and loved ones seem not true--work. If health is threatened--work. When faith falters and reason fails--just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead--work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really is. No matter what ails you--work. Work faithfully--work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and physical afflictions.--_Korsaren_.

I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am working for; and in my ability to get results. I believe that honest stuff can be passed out to honest men by honest methods. I believe in working, not weeping; in boosting not knocking; and in the pleasure of my job. I believe that a man gets what he goes after, that one deed done today is worth two deeds tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until he has lost faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward which the future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in generosity, in good cheer, in friendship and in honest competition. I believe there is something doing, somewhere for every man ready to do it. I believe I'm ready--RIGHT NOW!--_Elbert Hubbard_.

I ask no odds of any man, I am not one that follies sway, I am the source of my rewards, I do my work each day.

It matters not if rich or poor, This is the future's great command, Who does not work shall cease to eat; Upon this rock I stand.

The fruit of trees, the grain of fields, Wherever use and beauty lurk-- The good of all the world belongs To him who does the work.

--_Max Ehrtnan_.

Are you trying to climb where the chosen are, Where the feet of men are few? Do you long for "a job that is worth one's while?" Well here's a thought for you:

The pots of gold at the rainbow's end Are sought by the teeming mob, But the fairies who guard them choose as friend The man that loves his job.

No matter what grip of hand he has-- How poor or strong his brain, There's always a place for the man who loves His work with might and main.

Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail, Where the dreams of men may run? No clod of earth shall shoulder him From his place out in the sun.

It isn't the kick, It's not the pull, That brings the strong man out; But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will, And cheerful heart and shout,

Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win? Is your heart for success athrob? There's just one thing that can bring you in With the winners--love your job.

--_Stewart Lishear_.

_Work Makes Men_

"Work," as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend John Ewing, of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, perhaps, because the world needs it, but because the workmen need it. Men make work; but work makes men. An office is not merely a place for making money; it is a place for making men. A workshop is not a place for making machinery only; it is a place for making souls, for filling in the working virtues of one's life; for turning out honest, modest and good-natured men."

FIRST NAVVY--"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im bein' so short-sighted."

SECOND NAVVY--"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for our job!"

FIRST NAVVY--"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman ain't lookin', so he has to keep on workin' all the time."

A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty notions, his habit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard work never killed anybody," the old man added.

"That's just the trouble, dad," returned the youngster. "I want to engage in something that has a spice of danger in it."

"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed anybody," remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus applied for a little charity.

"You're mistaken dar, boss," replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh wives dat way."

For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab, I have faith in the man who's in love with his job.

--_Shorey_.

WORRY

"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years ago?"

"Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. Nobody worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad and freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrier and was out of my class."

YOUTH

Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea in New Haven:

"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with the accepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the anecdote.

"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth:

"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I knew it all, but now I have reached the conclusion that I know nothing.'

"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly:

"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years ago.'"

ZONES

While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher found various humorous answers to questions. A class of boys, averaging twelve years of age, had been examined in geography. The previous day had been devoted to grammar. Among the geographical questions was the following:

"Name the zones."

One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: "There are two zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is either temperate or intemperate; the feminine is either torrid or frigid!"

INDEX

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS ACCIDENTS ACCURACY ACTORS AND ACTRESSES ADVERTISING ADVICE AFTER DINNER SPEECHES AGE AGRICULTURE ALARM CLOCKS ALIBI ALIMONY ALPHABET ALTERNATIVES AMBITION AMERICANS AMUSEMENTS ANCESTRY ANIMALS ANTICIPATION ANTIQUES APARTMENTS APPEARANCES APPETITE APPLAUSE ARITHMETIC ARMIES ART AND ARTISTS ASTRONOMY AUTHORS AUTHORSHIP AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING AVIATION BACHELORS BAGGAGE BALDNESS BANKS AND BANKING BAPTISM BAPTISTS BARGAINS BASEBALL BATHS AND BATHING BEAUTY, PERSONAL BEGGING BEQUESTS BETTING BIBLE INTERPRETATION BIGAMY BILLS BLUFFING BOARD OF HEALTH BOARDING HOUSES BOASTING BOLSHEVISM BOOKS AND READING BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING BOOMERANGS BOOSTING BORROWERS BOSTON BOY SCOUTS BOYS BRIDES BROOKLYN BROTHERHOOD BURBANK BUSINESS BUSINESS ENTERPRISE BUSINESS ETHICS BUSINESS WOMEN CAMPAIGNS CANDIDATES CANDOR CAPITAL AND LABOR CARD INDEX CARELESSNESS CATALOGING CAUSE AND EFFECT CAUTION CHARACTER CHARITY CHEERFULNESS CHICKEN STEALING CHILD LABOR CHILDREN CHOICES CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS CHRISTMAS GIFTS CHURCH CHURCH ATTENDANCE CHURCH DISCIPLINE CITIZENS CITY AND COUNTRY CIVICS CIVILIZATION CLASS DISTINCTIONS CLEANLINESS CLERGY CLOTHING CLUBS COAL COFFEE COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS COLLECTION BOX COLLEGE GRADUATES COLLEGE STUDENTS COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES COMMITTEE COMMON SENSE COMMUNISM COMMUTERS COMPARISONS COMPENSATION COMPETITION COMPLIMENTS CONCEIT CONDUCT CONFESSIONS CONFIDENCES CONGRESS CONSCIENCE CONSCRIPTION CONSERVATIVES CONSOLATION CONTENTMENT CONTRIBUTION BOX CONUNDRUMS COOKERY COOKS COOPERATION CORPULENCE CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS COSMOPOLITANISM COST OF LIVING COUNTRY LIFE COURAGE COURTESY COURTS COURTSHIP CREDIT CRIME CRITICISM CULTURE CURES CURIOSITY CURRENT EVENTS CUSTOM DACHSHUNDS DAMAGES DANCING DAYLIGHT SAVING DEAD BEATS DEBTS DEGREES DEMAGOG DEMOCRACY DENTISTS DEPARTMENT STORES DESTINATION DETECTIVES DETERMINATION DIAGNOSIS DILEMMAS DINING DIPLOMACY DISARMAMENT DISCHARGE DISCIPLINE DISCOUNTS DISCRETION DISPOSITION DISTANCES DIVORCE DOCTORS DOGS DOMESTIC FINANCE DOMESTIC RELATIONS DREAMS DRINKING DRUNKARDS DUTCH DYSPEPSIA EATING ECONOMY EDITORS EDUCATION EFFICIENCY EGOTISM EINSTEIN EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES ENEMIES ENGLISH LANGUAGE ENGLISHMEN ENTHUSIASM EPIGRAMS EPITAPHS EQUALITY ETIQUET EUROPEAN WAR EUROPEAN WAR-POEMS EVIDENCE EXAGGERATION EXAMINATIONS EXCUSES EXECUTIVE ABILITY EXPENSES EXPERIENCE EXTRAVAGANCE FAILURES FAME FAMILIES FARMING FASHION FATE FATHERS FAULTS FEES FICTION FIGHTING FINANCE FISH FISHERMEN FISHING FLATTERY FOOD FOOD CONSERVATION FOOLS FORDS FOREIGNERS FORESIGHT FORGETFULNESS FORTUNE HUNTERS FOUNTAIN PENS FRANKLIN FREAKS FREE VERSE FREEDOM OF SPEECH FRENCH LANGUAGE FRIENDS FRIENDSHIP FUTURE FUTURE LIFE FUTURIST ART GAMBLING GARAGES GARDENING GAS GENEROSITY GENIUS GEOGRAPHY GERMANY GERMS GIFTS GIRLS GOD GOLF GOSSIP GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP GRATITUDE GUARANTEES HABIT HADES HAPPINESS HASH HASTE HEAVEN HELL HEREDITY HEROES HIGH COST OF LIVING HINTING HISTORY HOME HOME BREW HOMELINESS HOMESICK HONESTY HORSES HOSPITALITY HOSPITALS HOTEL BIBLES HOTELS HOUSING PROBLEM HUNGER HUNTING HURRY HUSBANDS HYPOCRISY HYSTERICS "IF" IGNORANCE ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS IMITATION IMMIGRANTS IMPUDENCE INCOME TAX INDUSTRY INFANTS INFLUENZA INHERITANCE INITIATIVE INSOMNIA INSTALMENT PLAN INSURANCE, FIRE INSURANCE, LIFE INTERVIEWS INVESTMENTS IRELAND IRISH BULLS IRISHMEN JEWS JOKES JOURNALISM JUDGES JUDGMENT JURY JUSTICE KINDNESS KINGS AND RULERS KISSES KNOWLEDGE LABOR AND CAPITAL LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES LABOR-SAVING DEVICES LADIES LANGUAGES LAUGHTER LAUNDRY LAWS LAWYERS LAZINESS LEAGUE OF NATIONS LEAP YEAR LEFT HANDEDNESS LEGISLATION LEGISLATORS LEISURE LIARS LIBERTY BONDS LIBRARIANS LIBRARIES LIES LIFE LISPING LOGIC LONDON LOST AND FOUND LOVE LUCK MAGAZINES MAJORITY MARKSMANSHIP MARRIAGE MASCOTS MATHEMATICS MATRIMONY MEASURING INSTRUMENTS MEDALS MEDICAL ETHICS MEDICINE MEMORY MEN METHODISTS MIDDLEMAN MILITARISM MILITARY DISCIPLINE MILK MILLENNIUM MILLINERS MILLIONAIRES MINISTERS MISERS MISTAKEN IDENTITY MISTAKES MONEY MONEY LENDER MORAL EDUCATION MOSQUITOES MOTHERS MOTHERS' DAY MOTHERS-IN-LAW MOVING PICTURES MULES MUSHROOMS MUSIC MUSICIANS NAMES, PERSONAL NATIONALITY NATURAL LAWS NEGROES NEIGHBORS NEW JERSEY NEW YORK CITY NEWSBOYS NEWSPAPERS "NO" NOTHING NURSES OBEDIENCE OBESITY OBITUARIES OCCUPATIONS OCEAN TRAVEL OFFICE BOYS OFFICE-SEEKERS OFFICERS OLD AGE OLD CLOTHES OPPORTUNITY OPTIMISM ORIGINALITY OSTRICH OUIJA BOARD PARENTS PARROTS PARTNERSHIP PEACE PEDESTRIANS PENMANSHIP PEP PERCENTAGE PERSISTENCE PERSUASION PESSIMISM PHILADELPHIA PHILANTHROPISTS PHILOSOPHY PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS PITTSBURG PLEASURE POETRY POETS POLICE POLITENESS POLITICAL PARTIES POLITICIANS POLITICS POSTAL SERVICE POVERTY PRAISE PRAYERS PREACHING PREJUDICE PREPAREDNESS PRESCRIPTIONS PRETENSION PRICES PRIDE PRINTERS PRISONS PROFANITY PROFESSIONS PROFITEERS PROGRESS PROHIBITION PROMOTERS PROMPTNESS PRONUNCIATION PROPERTY PROPOSALS PROSPERITY PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT PSYCHOLOGY PUBLIC, THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS PUBLIC SPEAKERS PUBLISHERS PUNCTUALITY PUNCTUATION PUNISHMENT PUNS PURGATORY QUAKERS QUESTIONS RADICALS RAILROADS READING REAL ESTATE REAL ESTATE AGENTS REALISM RECOMMENDATIONS RECRUITING RED TAPE REGRETS RELATIVES RELIGIONS REMEDIES REMINDERS REPARTEE REPORTING REPUTATION REST CURE RESTAURANTS RETALIATION ROADS ROOSEVELT, THEODORE RUINS RUMMAGE SALES SACRIFICES SAFETY SALARIES SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP SALVATION SAVING SCANDAL SCHOLARSHIP SCHOOLS SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT SCOTCH, THE SEASICKNESS SECRETS SELF-MADE MEN SENATE SENATORS SENSE OF HUMOR SENTRIES SERMONS SERVANTS SERVICE SERVICE STAR SHOPPING SIGHT SEEING SIGNS SILENCE SIMPLIFIED SPELLING SIN SINGERS SKEPTICS SLANG SMILES SMOKING SNOBBERY SOCIALISTS SOCIETY SOCIOLOGY SOLDIERS SOUND SOUVENIRS SPECULATION SPEED SPELLING SPINSTERS STAMMERING STAMPS STATISTICS STENOGRAPHERS STOCK EXCHANGE STRATEGY STREET-CARS STRIKES SUBSTITUTES SUBURBS SUBWAYS SUCCESS SUITORS SUMMER RESORTS SUNDAY SUNDAY SCHOOLS SUPERSTITION SURPRISE SYMPATHY SYNONYMS TACT TALKERS TARDINESS TAX TEACHERS TEACHING TEARS TELEGRAPH TELEPHONE TEMPER TEMPERANCE TEMPTATION TEN COMMANDMENTS THEATER THERMOMETER THIEVES THRIFT TIDES TIME TIPS TOURISTS TRADE TRADE MARKS TRADE UNIONS TRAMPS TRAVELERS TREES TRENCHES TROUBLE TRUTH UMBRELLAS UNEXPECTED UNITED STATES VACATIONS VALUE VANITY VEGETARIANS VENTILATION VOICE VOTING WAGES WAR WEALTH WEATHER WEDDINGS WELSH WESTMINSTER ABBEY WHISKY WIDOWS WINDOWS WISDOM WISHES WITNESSES WIVES WOMAN WOMAN SUFFRAGE WOMAN'S RIGHTS WORK WORRY YOUTH ZONES

Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book by the transcriber.