Chapter 6

"'Oh, ye wasn't?' I says to him. 'Ye're a liar,' I says to mesilf, 'ye was, and they's something queerer about ye than ye look, which is sayin' a good deal.' But I give the suspinders a jerk, and we wint on down the shore to a easier path up thim Palisades, it bein' no long walk from the top to the trolley. What worried me worst was him bein' so cheerful. It might 'a' been from him not havin' sinse enough to be anny other way, only whin it was plain robbin' he'd thought I was after he'd been scared healthy and satisfyin' entirely. It was the kidnappin' soothed him, bad scran to him, and it was fair uneasy I was in the heart of me, almost suspectin' they were brains in him somewheres.

"Well, maybe they was and maybe they wasn't, I dunno, and maybe 'twas something worse than that. 'And the mosquities won't bite him,' I says to mesilf. 'If mosquities was humans, 'twould be easy of understandin', but a mosquity ain't got annything in his head exciptin' teeth, and thim Jersey wans will bite whativer it is if it don't bite thim first. Sure, they's times whin dumb beasts can be teachin' anny of us, and thim mosquities is after havin' their own reasons. And do ye mind,' I wint on to mesilf, 'how he wint up that ladder like he was floatin' on air?' Faith, I think I was half believin' him a ghost, excipt for his neck feelin' a bit solid whin I pulled on the suspinders.

"Whin we come to the top, and the wind was back in him ag'in, I says: 'And what might your name be, sor?'

"'Courtney Delevan Schwartz,' says he, lively as a grig.

"'Is your father livin'?' I says.

"'Why, yis,' he says, 'he's Charles B. Schwartz.'

"'I've niver met him,' I says. 'Will he want ye back?'

"'Why, of course,' says he, 'I'm the only wan he's got.'

"'Well,' I says, 'even Teddy would be givin' him a special license for not havin' anny more. Can he be raisin' the five thousand?'

"'Don't ye know who Charles B. Schwartz is?' says he, surprised-like. 'The Pittsburg multi-millionaire and railroad man?'

"'Git along with ye!' I says. 'Don't ye think I know ye wouldn't be breathin' it if they was that much money in the family?'

"'I told ye to make it ten instid of five,' he says.

"'Tare and ages!' I says. 'Don't ye know that ain't no way to act whin ye're bein' kidnapped? Ye've got all mixed up about it, sor. Ye ought to be runnin' the price down instid of tryin' to make me charge your poor father twict as much as ye ain't worth, ye blamed handless gossoon. And don't be walkin' so fast like ye couldn't wait to be locked up. It ain't you gits the five thousand, annyways.'

"'Excuse me,' says he. 'But me father won't be mindin' the other five, and the price will be lookin' a bit cheap whin it gits in the papers.'

"'Bedad, if ye're valuin' yoursilf like that, it's a blessin' it ain't you sets the price on a bushel of good potaties, what is worth something.'

"'Hold on,' says he, sudden, 'I hear somewan on the road we're comin' to. We'd better wait till they git past.'

"Och, did ye iver hear the like of that? Think of him warnin' me from his chanct to yell for help! It left me feelin' fair uneasy, even whin the wagon had gone on down the road. 'Sure,' I thinks, 'if they is anny humans as foolish as that, they wouldn't be let run loose. And annyways, he ain't got enough brains to be a real lunytic, God help him. Yit maybe he is--they ain't nothin' as different as lunytics.'

"'"The night has a thousand eyes,"' says he just thin, goin' right along with the suspinders tight on his neck, '"the day but wan"--do ye know that?' he says. 'I just happened to think of it.'

"'Faith, no wan would think of it anny other way,' I says, catchin' up with him and smellin' his breath, but it was Prohibition. 'Where do ye see thim eyes?' I asks him, bein' sure he was crazy now.

"'Why, up there,' says he, pointin' straight up in the air.

"'Niver mind, niver mind,' I says, soothin', and fearin' he would be took worse. 'They won't hurt ye anny.'

"'Hurt me?' says he.

"'Not a bit,' says I. 'We'll be turnin' to the right here,' I says.

"'But what I meant by thim eyes--' says he.

"'Don't think about thim anny more,' I says. 'It ain't good for ye.'

"He stopped and turned round, laughin', the silly fool, though it was no time for it. 'Ye think I'm crazy, don't ye, me frind?' he says.

"'Me?' says I.

"'No, me,' says he, cheerful. 'I was just playin' a joke on ye,' he says. 'The Irish likes thim, don't they?'

"'Divil a bit,' I says. 'Thin what are ye if ye ain't?' I asks him.

"'I might ask ye, after your own manner of sayin' things, Which am I if I ain't what?' says he, all to wanct talkin' like a man who knew his ways about. 'But I'll be tellin' ye wan thing I ain't, and that's crazy.'

"It was like hearin' a baby all to wanct begin talkin' like a old man. Nothin' could 'a' surprised me like him showin' they was brains in him. I knowed immediate it was no lunytic he was after bein'. 'Thin what _are_ ye?' I says, weak-like.

"'Ah, me frind,' says he, 'who's doin' this kidnappin'--you or me? Come on, now; thim cars runs half a hour apart.'

"Arrah, the anger rose in me at the owdaciousness of him, and I took me oath to git him to the East Side even if he become twins. But, bein' a thinkin' man, the unsettlement of me mind was ten times worse over him showin' signs of brains in him. If he could grow thim manny brains in half a hour, they was no tellin' how much sinse he might have by mornin'. 'But sure,' thinks I, 'thin he's worth more than what I priced him, for they may be some wan can be usin' him for something.'

"'I'll make it eight thousand, sor,' I says to him.

"'Thank ye, me good man,' says he, resumin' his old way of talkin'. 'Hurry up! I hear a car comin'.'

"Thin we run for it, and the suspinders jerkin' out of me hands, the little spalpeen showed me the heels of him, me cursin' after him amazin'. All to wanct me foot caught in a root, and down I wint, fair knockin' me daffy. By the time I'd begun seein' straight ag'in, he was wavin' his arms in the middle of the track, with the head-light shinin' on him and the car comin' to a stop.

"I seen at wanct that, even could I hold the car by yellin', he would have time to tell thim all his troubles, and like as not they'd beat me life out afore I could tell thim about him bein' crazy, and they wouldn't believe it annyways. It was gone he was and good riddance.

"'Come on!' he hollers. 'They're waitin' for ye!'

"And hiven help me, they was, and him standin' there lookin' worried over me delay and sayin' nothin' to annybody! For wanct in me life I didn't stop to think--faith, I was within wan of payin' dear for it later--and the next I knew I was climbin' in the car, with him helpin' me up, me bein' still a bit dizzy.

"'I'm sorry,' says he, blowin' for wind, whin we was in a seat togither, 'but I lost thim suspinders.'

"'Niver mind thim, niver mind _thim_,' I says, watchin' ivry minute to see would he be callin' on the other passengers. 'Wait till I git me breath!'

"But he niver paid thim others anny attention whativer, and pretty soon I begun wishin' he would. Sure, if he was thinkin' of worse than bein' rescued and havin' me handed over to the polayce, thin thim cold chills runnin' up and down me back wasn't doin' it for nothin'. 'Nonsinse,' I says to mesilf, summonin' back me manhood, 'I misdoubt if he knows what he is doin'. And annyways, he seems to be comin' along with me all right, bad cess to him, and it's me will be showin' him what it is to be dealin' with a strong man and a brainy wan.

"'A few quistions, if ye please,' I says to him, commandin'. 'And be prompt with thim!'

"'Yis,' says he, turnin' to me from lookin' out the windy and tryin' to look like he'd been intelligent whin he was a lad.

"'Where does your father, Charles B. Schwartz, live at?' says I.

"'Ye can address him at the Aldorf, but he lives in Pittsburg,' says he.

"'We'll pass over that last, Courtney,' says I; 'I'm not askin' ye for the fam'ly skeletons. Ye say he likes ye?'

"'Oh, yis,' he says, 'we're chums, the two of us. It's this way,' says he; 'the old man says that while I can't help him anny in his business, I'm interistin' to him, bein' different from ivry wan ilse he iver met.'

"'God bless the old gintleman!' I says.

"'Yis,' says he, 'he says it's excitin' to see what I'm going to spend his money on next.'

"'Now they ain't anny use in pretendin' to be so rich,' I interrupts him, irritated, 'and you with but eliven dollars and twinty cints on the whole of ye!'

"'I don't carry it all with me,' says he.

"'No,' says I, 'ye don't carry all of annything with ye,' I says.

"'Would ye believe me if I said I was poor?' says he.

"'Divil a bit,' says I.

"'But then what do ye----'

"'Go on with your story,' I says to him severe, 'and don't be wastin' time on foolishness.'

"'Well,' says he, 'me father's been a bit sore on me lately, sayin' I'm not livin' up to me repytation with him, but just spendin' money on stars and bars, like annywan ilse, and managin' to dodge the stripes. Do ye see the joke?' he says, stoppin'.

"'No,' says I, 'but it wouldn't be anny the better for me seein' it. What's the ind of the fairy-tale?' I says.

"'The joke's about flags,' says he. 'Well,' he says, 'me old man bet me I'd used up all the new ways of spendin' what he earned, and I took the bet. If I sind him in the bill for something I niver tried before, thin he doubles me allowance for six months. If I don't do it inside of wan week, thin he cuts me allowance in half,' he says. 'And I ain't allowed just to find something new in the shops and buy it.'

"'I ain't niver heard a better,' says I. 'Who wrote it?'

"'But don't ye see?' he says. 'That's why I want to be kidnapped--to win me bet! They's money in it for both of us, me good man.'

"'Och,' says I, 'tell me but this wan thing,' I says, disgusted, layin' me finger right on wan of the manny weak places in what he'd been handin' me, '_why_ did ye want to make it ten thousand instid of five, whin five would 'a' won your bet just as easy-like? Answer me _that_!' I says.

"'Well,' says he, fidgittin' in his seat, 'well, you see--oh, I was just wantin' to rub it in on the old man,' he says, stammerin'.

"'I'm glad I met ye,' I says; 'ye're the most bedivel'd and all-amazin' liar I iver seen. If ye iver meet Mr. Roosevelt, he'll choke to death tryin' to describe ye.'

"'Yis,' he says, 'I guess ye caught me. It does sound a bit queer whin I come to think about it. But I'll tell ye what I'll do,' says he, brightenin' up sudden-like, 'I'll take it all back!'

"So help me, it was too much for anny man! Whativer he was, I give him up. And him settin' there lookin' at me like he was twelve years old! Me brains was in a prespiration from tryin' to put a label on him, but no sooner was they findin' a explanation of him than he goes to work and proves thim wrong entirely. They might as well been a omelette in me head. It was queer doin's, but what it was behind thim no wan could be tellin'. 'This is me last kidnappin',' says I to mesilf. 'I want something easy on me nerves like burglin', and I wish I was safe on the East Side with me little human conundrum, bad scran to him, and what is he smilin' to himsilf about now?' thinks I.

"'Do ye want to know what I'm smilin' about?' says he right thin.

"'Yis, sor,' says I, feeble, 'if ye don't mind sayin''--me heart nearly pantin' itsilf to death. 'Holy saints!' thinks I, 'is the little divil wan of thim mind-readers, or is he the divil himsilf?'

"'Well,' says he, pleasant, the car startin' on thim bed-spring curves down to the ferry, 'I've been thinkin' that whin you and me has got through with each other,' he says, lookin' at me with thim fish-eyes in a way that raised the goose-flesh on me, 'I'll be tryin' this kidnappin' business mesilf. You like it pretty well, don't ye?'

"'They ain't nothin' like it,' I says, thankin' God it was the truth. And just thin the car stopped in front of the ferry.

"'See here, me man,' says he, as we was gittin' off, 'if me frinds can't be raisin' the eight thousand, we can be makin' it five ag'in, and if they can't be findin' that much, would ye be willin' to let me loose long enough to kidnap some wan ilse and pay ye?'

"'Oh,' thinks I, 'so _that's_ what ye've been drivin' at! But thin,' says me second thoughts, 'why has he been tellin' me--' We was walkin' in the door of the ferry, and I grabs hold of his arm, fair burstin' with rage, bein' nervous from what I'd been through: 'Ye scut,' I says, 'didn't ye say your father was rollin' in money?'

"'Yis,' says he, calm and pleasant, 'but I took all that back. I ain't got anny father now. Ye'll have to be payin' for the ferry-tickets,' he says.

"It was the ind of me last hope, and me knees wint weak under me. I'd been thinkin' I'd found out wan thing about him annyways, and now I couldn't even raymimber what it was, excipt that it was wrong. Whin I begun thinkin' ag'in, we was on the ferry-boat, the two of us, and him so cheerful it brung the tears to me eyes and made me nervouser than I'd been yit. Thin me wits come to me assistance, and I seen what was the sinsible thing to be doin' with the nasty little divil. 'Rich or poor,' I says to mesilf, 'rich or poor, drunk or sober, intilligent or what he looks like, lunytic or no lunytic, divil, ghost, sleep-walker, or plain human, whativer he is or ain't, or all of thim togither, I want no more of him!'

"Divil the lie I'm tellin' ye, no sooner was thim words in me mind than he ups and walks off from me like he'd heard me thinkin' and begins talkin' to a stranger man lookin' over the edge of the boat! Faith, the hair was crawlin' round on top me head.

"I was startin' for the other ind of the boat, but it come over me strong to slip up behind thim and listen was he plannin' anny divilment against me with the other man. Och, it was a hard thing to bring mesilf to, but whativer ilse I am, I'm not after bein' anny coward.

"Bedad, they was but talkin' of thim new tunnels under the river, and him not even mentionin' he was bein' kidnapped! Wirra, wirra, and afore I was half way down the boat, he come runnin' after me excusin' himsilf for leavin' me, and the rist of the way over he talked tunnels to me, sociable and entertainin', till I could feel thim runnin' all through me.

"They was no chanct to slip away from him in the crowd gittin' off, but whin we come to thim freight tracks just outside the ferry-house, the gates begun droppin' for a train, and, waitin' till the last minute, I sprung from him to git across and let the train come atween us, with him held back by it while I was disappearin' into the whole of New York. So help me, the little omadhawn, like as not readin' ivry thought in me head, grabbed me back and spoiled it all, neat plan as it was.

"'Ye might 'a' been killed and ruined the kidnappin'!' he says, anxious like he was me own mother.

"'Don't let me catch ye hangin' back that way a'gin!' I says, pretendin' I was uncommon mad, which I was. 'Whin that big gomach of a train is gone,' I says, 'see that ye stick close by me and try no foolishness. We're goin' to take the subway to where we git off,' says I, meanin' to dodge him at the subway and grab a surface car to whereiver it wint. 'Come along now, and be quick with ye.'

"But they wasn't no chanct to dodge him, and inside of ten minutes the two of us was settin' side by side in a subway car like both of us wanted to. He was gittin' cheerfuller ivry minute, and the cheerfuller he got, the more I fell to wishin' I'd niver seen the likes of him. He didn't look like anny human annyhow, and I begun prayin' the saints he wasn't, for if he _was_, thin they wasn't _anny_ answer to him. 'Tare and ages!' the thought come to me sudden, 'he's a detective, he is, and may the divil dance on the skinny back of him till they's snow a foot deep where the both of thim belongs! Sure, it's all plain now, ivrything he's been doin', and why wasn't I thinkin' of it whin I begun this kidnappin'--may I niver hear the word ag'in and bad scran to it!'

"And thin, at the next station, in come a polayceman siven foot long and set down across the aisle within reachin' distance of his arm, and he niver made a sign beyond glancin' at him whin he come in! 'Thin he ain't,' I says to mesilf, sinkin' back in me seat. 'Ivrything they is he ain't, and anny wan of thim would be makin' me feel better. If he follows me clear home, I _will_ kidnap him, whether I want him or not, but if they's wan breath left in me body I'll escape from him afore that,' I goes on to mesilf, tryin' to think what I ate for supper and hopin' maybe it was all wan of thim nightmares.

"It was but the beginnin' of me troubles. At the next station I tried to slip from him by pretindin' to ask the guard something and jump out just afore the doors was closed, but nothin' would do but he must be askin' the guard something himsilf. Wan of us asked if it was a express we was on and the other asked if it wasn't, and thin we set down ag'in togither. Whin we come to our station, I endivored to lose him wanct more, whin we was walkin' crosstown I tried it ag'in, and in Central Park I tried it twict. I might as well tried to dodge a ghost what was hauntin' me. And him cheerfuller than iver and not seemin' to notice annything!

"'Look here, sor,' I says, whin he was pretty well into the East Side, feelin' I could stand no more of it, 'I've been thinkin' it over, and me conscience is hurtin' me. Ye niver did me no wrong, and here I am kidnappin' ye. It ain't right, sor, and I'm goin' to give ye your liberty and let ye go without chargin' ye annything.'

"'Why,' says he, 'I don't want to git away!' he says, his voice growin' sorrowful.

"'That ain't got annything to do with it, sor, askin' your pardon,' I says; 'it's me conscience, and they ain't anny use arguin' with a man's conscience whin its dander is up. I've got to let ye go, sor,' I says, 'and ye can do it now. I'll turn me back.'

"'No, no,' says he, 'I know what ye're thinkin', but----'

"'Yis, I know ye do, sor,' I says, thim queer mind-readin' ways of his comin' over me ag'in, 'but for God's sake don't tell me!' I says. 'Don't tell me, sor. I'll believe ye without that, sor, and I know what it was already mesilf annyways, and I wasn't thinkin' annything, besides, and not meanin' a word of it,' I goes on, beyond mesilf entirely, all the queer ways of him risin' up before me, and the mosquities not bitin' him, me nerves givin' out at last from all they'd been through.

"Just thin he turned thim fish-eyes of his on to me, niver sayin' a word, and put out wan hand, soft-like, to lay it on me, and I give wan jump and was off down the street, runnin' as I niver run afore. And him after me and gainin', the divil snatch him, if he ain't the divil himsilf.

"What people they was on the street--praise be, they was but few at that hour--comminced chasin' me, too, but 'twas but wan long block to Devinsky's, here, and I come in that side door like I was a autymobile, near drownin' Peter Casey in the beer he was carryin'. By good luck Micky Doyle and Big McCarthy was drinkin' at the bar, and I yells at thim: 'Stop thim, for the love of hiven! They're tryin' to kidnap me!' and I wint out the front door like they was a thousand divils clutchin' at me.

"And the boys did it, may the blessin' of hiven shine on thim, but wan of thim fools what was helpin' chase me give that little spalpeen me name, and this day has been a curse to me from worryin' over what may happen me yit, though it's proud I should be over frustratin' the nefarious plans of him."

Tim merely grunted. A tough-looking waiter entered through the swinging door, approached the table where the two were sitting, and tossed a dainty envelope in front of Patsy, with the announcement that a messenger had brought it. It was addressed to "Patsy Moran, Esq., Care of Devinsky's Place." Patsy opened it with nervous fingers, and a newspaper clipping fell out upon the table, displaying the unprepossessing features of a young man over the words: "Courtney Schwartz, son of multi-Millionaire Chas. B. Schwartz, of Pittsburg."

A gasp from Patsy, another grunt from Tim, and the two of them seized the letter with a common impulse, Tim's stolidity shaken for once. There was dead silence while the two pairs of eyes followed the straggling words of what was written there:

"My dear Mr. Moran:

"The enclosed clipping will convince you that I gave you my real name, and that my father is abundantly able to pay ransoms. All I told you about that bet may also be true, but as I took that story back, I really can't say now whether it is or not. It doesn't sound so, does it?

"It may be, on the other hand, that I merely figured out in the beginning that you were the kind I could get so rattled you would let me go before I got through with you. If that is true, it worked, didn't it? But maybe it isn't true.

"If neither one of these things is true, what is?

"In any case, you lost $8,000 of the easiest money that ever happened. Why not have tied me up somewhere till you got a boat, or, after getting me as far as you did, why not have taken me the rest of the way?

"But I bear you no grudge. I am sure no one but you could make being kidnapped so amusing. It was great. I am exceedingly sorry, however, that I lost your suspenders. Please accept, in their place, the eleven dollars you have already taken from me. Would enclose more, but feel that the experience alone was worth a fortune to you. You needed the practice. You were right, though, in refusing to set my ransom at $10,000, for in that case you would now be out $2,000 more of easy money.

"Life would be far easier, wouldn't it, if we could judge a book by its covers?

"Very truly yours,

"Courtney Delevan Schwartz.

"P.S.--It may interest you to know that before I came down from my roost in those ruins, I concealed my watch and $840 under some of the bricks you threw at me. I found them there this morning.

"C. D. S."

ARCTIC COLOR

THE ADVENTUROUS EXPEDITIONS OF ALEXANDER BORISSOFF, THE PAINTER OF THE FAR NORTH

BY STERLING HEILIG

ILLUSTRATIONS FROM PAINTINGS BY ALEXANDER BORISSOFF

About twenty-five years ago, the Grand Duke Vladimir of Russia, making a journey into the northern part of the Empire, chanced to visit the lonely Solovetski Monastery on the shores of the White Sea. Among the sacred painters of this monastery he found a young peasant who had been sent there by his parents as a boy of fifteen. Duke Vladimir, struck with his talent, shipped him off to St. Petersburg to study in the Imperial Academy of Fine Arts. The young Russian peasant was Alexander Borissoff, the adventurous painter whose work in the last few years has made the wonderful color scheme of the Arctic Circle for the first time accessible to the eyes of the world.

His early years on the edge of the Arctic fired the imagination of the youth, and directed the course of his whole future life. While he was still a student he made a trip to England. "There," he says, "an idea that had long been shaping itself in my brain took hold of me. The polar regions fascinated me. My forefathers, I knew, hunted bears at Spitzbergen; and as a boy I had heard all about the Arctic. I wanted to see and paint that wonderful country. Travelers would write that the Arctic nights were magnificent; but I wanted to give the colors and lights themselves."

_Borissoff Becomes a Samoyed_