Chapter 2

Furthermore, through propaganda and infiltration, there were Communist cells in every quarter of the planet, and many of the top officials of the four Martian governments were either secretly party members or openly in fronts.

The Communist battle cry was: "Men of Mars unite; you have nothing to lose but your wives."

Comes the revolution, they were told, and all Martians could remain bachelors. It is no wonder the Communists made such inroads. The planet became known as "The Red Red Planet."

In their confidential books about the cities of Earth, Lait and Mortimer explored the community of interest between the organized underworld and the Soviet.

Communists are in favor of anything that causes civil disorder and unrest; gangsters have no conscience and will do business with anyone who pays.

On Earth, Russia floods the Western powers, and especially the United States, with narcotics, first to weaken them and provide easy prey, and second, for dollar exchange.

And on Earth, the Mafia, which is another international conspiracy like the Communists, sells the narcotics.

And so when the gangsters heard there were Communist cells on Mars, they quickly made a contact.

For most of the world's cheap sugar comes from Russia! The Mafia inroad on the American sugar market had already driven cane up more than 300 per cent. But the Russians were anxious, able and willing to provide all the beets they wanted at half the competitive price.

VI

THE HONEST HOODS

As we pointed out in previous works, the crime syndicate now owns so much money, its chief problem is to find ways in which to invest it.

As a result, the Mafia and its allies control thousands of legitimate enterprises ranging from hotel chains to railroads and from laundries to distilleries.

And so it was on Mars. With all the rackets cornered, the gangsters decided it was time to go into some straight businesses.

At the next get-together of the Grand Council, the following conversation was heard:

"What do these mopes need that they ain't getting?"

"A big fat hole in the head."

"Cut it out. This is serious."

"A hole in the head ain't serious?"

"There's no profit in them one-shot deals."

"It's the repeat business you make the dough on."

"Maybe you got something there. You can kill a jerk only once."

"But a jerk can have relatives."

"We're talking about legit stuff. All the rest has been taken care of."

"With the Martians I've seen, a bar of soap could be a big thing."

From this random suggestion, there sprang up a major interplanetary project. If the big soap companies are wondering where all that soap went a few years ago, we can tell them.

It went to Mars.

Soap caught on immediately. It was snapped up as fast as it arrived.

But several questions popped into the minds of the Mafia soap salesman.

Where was it all going? A Martian, in line for a bar in the evening, was back again the following morning for another one.

And why did the Martians stay just as dirty as ever?

The answer was, the Martians stayed as dirty as ever because they weren't using the soap to wash with. They were eating it!

It cured the hangover from sugar.

Another group cornered the undertaking business, adding a twist that made for more activity. They added a Department of Elimination. The men in charge of this end of the business circulate through the chocolate and soap bars, politely inquiring, "Who would you like killed?"

Struck with the novelty of the thing, quite a few Martians remember other Martians they are mad at. The going price is one hundred carats of diamonds to kill; which is cheap considering the average laborer earns 10,000 carats a week.

Then the boys from the more dignified end of the business drop in at the home of the victim and offer to bury him cheap. Two hundred and fifty carats gets a Martian planted in style.

Inasmuch as Martians live underground, burying is done in reverse, by tying a rocket to the tail of the deceased and shooting him out into the stratosphere.

VII

ONE UNIVERSE CONFIDENTIAL

Mars is presently no problem to Earth, and will not be until we have all its gold and the Martians begin asking us for loans.

Meanwhile, Lait and Mortimer say let the gangsters and communists have it. We don't want it.

We believe Earth would weaken itself if it dissipated its assets on foreign planets. Instead, we should heavily arm our own satellites, which will make us secure from attack by an alien planet or constellation.

At the same time, we should build an overwhelming force of space ships capable of delivering lethal blows to the outermost corners of the universe and return without refueling.

We have seen the futility of meddling in everyone's business on Earth. Let's not make that mistake in space. We are unalterably opposed to the UP (United Planets) and call upon the governments of Earth not to join that Inter-Solar System boondoggle.

We have enough trouble right here.

THE APPENDIX CONFIDENTIAL:

_Blast-off_: The equivalent of the take-off of Terran aviation. Space ships blast-off into space. Not to be confused with the report of a sawed-off shot gun.

_Blasting pit_: Place from which a space ship blasts off. Guarded area where the intense heat from the jets melts the ground. Also used for cock-fights.

_Spacemen_: Those who man the space ships. See any comic strip.

_Hairoscope_: A very sensitive instrument for space navigation. The sighting plate thereon is centered around two crossed hairs. Because of the vastness of space, very fine hairs are used. These hairs are obtained from the Glomph-Frog, found only in the heart of the dense Venusian swamps. The hairoscope is a must in space navigation. Then how did they get to Venus to get the hair from the Glomph-Frog? Read Venus Confidential.

_Multiplanetary agitation_: The inter-spacial methods by which the Russians compete for the minds of the Neptunians and the Plutonians and the Gowaniuns.

_Space suit_: The clothing worn by those who go into space. The men are put into modernistic diving suits. The dames wear bras and panties.

_Grav-plates_: A form of magnetic shoe worn by spacemen while standing on the outer hull of a space ship halfway to Mars. Why a spaceman wants to stand on the outer hull of a ship halfway to Mars is not clear. Possibly to win a bet.

_Space platform_: A man-made satellite rotating around Earth between here and the Moon. Scientists say this is a necessary first step to interplanetary travel. Mars Confidential proves the fallacy of this theory.

_Space Academy_: A college where young men are trained to be spacemen. The student body consists mainly of cadets who served apprenticeships as elevator jockeys.

_Asteroids_: Tiny worlds floating around in space, put there no doubt to annoy unwary space ships.

_Extrapolation_: The process by which a science-fiction writer takes an established scientific fact and builds thereon a story that couldn't happen in a million years, but maybe 2,000,000.

_Science fiction_: A genre of escape literature which takes the reader to far-away planets--and usually neglects to bring him back.

_S.F._: An abbreviation for science fiction.

_Bem_: A word derived by using the first letters of the three words: Bug Eyed Monster. Bems are ghastly looking creatures in general. In science-fiction yarns written by Terrans, bems are natives of Mars. In science-fiction yarns written by Martians, bems are natives of Terra.

_The pile_: The source from which power is derived to carry men to the stars. Optional on the more expensive space ships, at extra cost.

_Atom blaster_: A gun carried by spacemen which will melt people down to a cinder. A .45 would do just as well, but then there's the Sullivan Act.

_Orbit_: The path of any heavenly body. The bodies are held in these orbits by natural laws the Republicans are thinking of repealing.

_Nova_: The explosive stage into which planets may pass. According to the finest scientific thinking, a planet will either nova, or it won't.

_Galaxy_: A term used to confuse people who have always called it The Milky Way.

_Sun spots_: Vast electrical storms on the sun which interfere with radio reception, said interference being advantageous during political campaigns.

_Atomic cannons_: Things that go _zap_.

_Audio screen_: Television without Milton Berle or wrestling.

_Disintegrating ray_: Something you can't see that turns something you can see into something you can't see.

_Geiger counter_: Something used to count Geigers. _Interstellar space_: Too much nothing at all, filled with rockets, flying saucers, advanced civilizations, and discarded copies of _Amazing Stories_.

_Mars_: A candy bar.

_Pluto_: A kind of water.

_Ray guns_: Small things that go _zap_.

_Time machine_: A machine that carries you back to yesterday and into next year. Also, an alarm clock.

_Time warp_: The hole in time the time machine goes through to reach another time. A hole in nothing.

_Terra_: Another name for Earth. It comes from _terra_ firma or something like that.

_Hyperdrive_: The motor that is used to drive a space ship faster than the speed of light. Invented by science-fiction writers but not yet patented.

_Ether_: The upper reaches of space and whatever fills them. Also, an anaesthetic.

_Luna_: Another name for the Moon. Formerly a park in Coney Island.

* * * * *

End of Project Gutenberg's Mars Confidential, by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer