ACT III.--SCENE I.

_A meanly furnished room; a door in the flat R. H.; in the second entrance L. H. a door bolted; the window shutters of the room are put up. Table and chairs, two candles burning. A knock heard at L. H. D.; after a pause, CODDLE peeps out of the door in flat._

COD. Who can that be? I told the woman of the house on no account to admit a soul, or to tell any one who had taken her rooms; but if she should be obliged to confess, to give out that a half-crazy gentleman occupies them, who will not allow a creature to approach him but herself. I think I am safe here, nobody knows me; I've changed my name, I have paid a month's rent in advance, have closed and fastened the shutters and door, and intend to live in future by candle-light; so here I am alone--(_Sitting in a chair._)--with two wives claiming me, yet alone, that's something. What a night I have passed! One minute trembling with apprehension, the next with cold; the loose windows rattling all night like the chains of a sleepless felon--nothing but draughts all over the room, and a corner house too, its edges worn away by the wind constantly whistling round it--ugh!--(_Shuddering--A knocking heard L. H. D._)--It must have been the landlady that knocked; she thought I was asleep, no doubt, so wouldn't disturb me; how cold I am, there is a terrible wind somewhere. This is the most miserable place I ever was in, in my life; where can that rush of air come from? I must find out, here's my tow--(_going to table._)--with this and a skewer, I can stop every crevice.--(_He goes round the room with a lighted candle; he holds it before a crevice in the flat; the flame of the candle waves._)--Ah, here's the place--a thorough draught, enough to kill me.--(_The candle goes out._)--It has blown the candle out; what a horrid place!--(_He hammers some tow into the crevice; while thus employed, a knocking is again heard at the L. H. D. CODDLE starts, the hammer falls from his hand._)--Who's there? 'tis the foot-step of a man, it is not the landlady;--(_he creeps to the L. H. D. and listens_)--officers of justice, perhaps, who have dogged me here,--hush!--(_Listens again--A loud knock makes him start away from the door._)--Shall I answer? I will--I must--this suspense will drive me mad--who--who's there?

LYNX. (_Without._)--My dear fellow, open the door.

COD. Oh, it's my excellent friend Lynx.--(_he runs to the door and unbolts it._)--Come in, come in; quick, quick.--(_LYNX enters; CODDLE immediately closes the door again and bolts it._)--Now what's the matter? how did you find me out? what brought you here? any of the police after me? any warrant granted? Speak, speak.

LYNX. No, no, calm your fears.

COD. Was it you that knocked at the door, a few minutes ago?

LYNX. Yes, yes, and I thought you were dead, as I could get no reply; you are as difficult to come at as a grand sultan.

COD. I am a grand sultan, I rejoice in a plurality of wives. Oh, that Turkey, what a blessed country! where bigamy is a virtue, and a man's consequences is rated not by the number of voices he can command in a parliament, but by the number of wives he can command at home. But tell me, how did you discover my retreat?

LYNX. You certainly could not expect to remain here unknown.

COD. Why?

LYNX. The house not only belongs to an inspector of the police, but a Bow-street officer occupies the floor above you.

COD. Oh! I am a doomed man.--(_Falling into his chair._)

LYNX. The woman of the house gave me your whole history, when I called a quarter of an hour ago. I expect two or three of our friends here in a moment. Dismal, I have left at the door.

COD. Which do you think the easiest method of quitting life?

LYNX. Quitting life!

COD. Aye, of committing suicide?--hanging, poisoning, suffocation, drowning, or the pistol? For to one of these escapes from my terrors, I am determined to apply.

LYNX. Then you have not seen your wife?

COD. Which?

LYNX. Your second.

COD. Not since we parted at your house yesterday. I can never face her again. How is Mrs. Lynx?

LYNX. She has left me.

COD. Left you!

LYNX. I am now in search of her, for this morning I have received intelligence that leaves me at liberty to confess more respecting that girl, than I have hitherto dared to tell.

COD. That girl? my adopted daughter, you mean?

LYNX. I do; to this alone is my wife indebted for my seeking her. I would rather have died, than have been the first to advance one step towards a reconciliation, after her deliberate attempt yesterday at publicly exposing me.--(_A knock heard again at L. H. D._)

COD. There's somebody else, who can it be?

LYNX. 'Tis no doubt, Dismal, our brother in misfortune.

COD. Misfortune!

LYNX. He and his wife have also separated; indeed, I hear that of the whole party of married people that sat down to my table yesterday, not one couple are now living together.

COD. They found my example so very pleasant, I suppose, they could not resist following it.--(_Knocking again._)

YOUNG. (_Without._)--Open the door, we wish to see you.--(_LYNX unbolts the door; YOUNGHUSBAND and DISMAL enter._)

YOUNG. (_to CODDLE._)--Ah, my friend, we have found you out at last.

DIS. Mr. Dove is below, and wants to see you.

COD. He sha'nt come in, I wont have any more visitors. I came here to conceal myself, and here is my whole circle of acquaintance around me already; well, sit down, sit down, as you _are_ here.--(_they all sit_)--What poor unhappy wretches we all are!

YOUNG. For my own part, I freely confess, that I never was more miserable in all my days, and really begin to think that a wife is an indispensable comfort.

COD. Where you've but one. 'Tis a comfort so peculiarly singular, that once pluralized, it is destroyed.

DIS. I had no idea that a restless night, by myself, could have made me think so favourably of Mrs. Dismal.

LYNX. Ah, my friends--absence, like death, leads us to dwell on the better qualities of those that are away.

COD. And the heart that can then but refer to faults, is one of which we ought to be ashamed. If the second Mrs. Coddle had but consulted my comforts a little more than she did, and not look'd for raptures and passions in one, who had them not in his nature--she would have been a divinity.

YOUNG. _My_ wife's great fault is her perpetual proneness for contradiction; were she to qualify her opposition, by presuming that I mistake, or by merely thinking that I am wrong, I should be satisfied, but her flat contradictions on every subject are unbearable, and I won't put up with it; she sometimes makes me quite furious, zounds!

DIS. _My_ wife's great defect is her want of cheerfulness; and expecting me every moment to be petting her like a Dutch pug. I can't fondle, and be continually my dearing; my amiable moments are periodical.

COD. We are all wretched creatures; and I'm the most wretched among you; _you may_ be reconciled some day or other, but for me--I am without hope.--(_A knocking at the door, L. H._)--Hush!--who's there?--(_Going to the door._)

DOVE. (_Without._)--It's me.

COD. Who?

DOVE. Mr. H. Dove.

COD. You can't come in.

DOVE. I want to speak to Mr. Coddle, on a _pint_ of vast _prominence_ to him.

DIS. I forgot to tell you, he was asking for you when I came up; he says that he has something to tell you respecting your first wife.

CODDLE. What can it be? Shall I let him in?

LYNX. Yes, yes!--(_CODDLE opens the door; DOVE enters; CODDLE closes the door again and bolts it._)

DOVE. Ha! how d'ye do, gentlemen all? We meet, again, under very _conspicuous_ circumstances.

CODDLE. (_Placing a chair, and going to his seat._)--Sit down, Sir.

DOVE. We're all bachelors again, I hear! I an't seen Mrs. Dove since yesterday; she worked upon my feelings, and _aspirated_ me to that degree, that I went and got _cummy fo;_ and now I am afraid to go home.

CODDLE. Well, Sir! this information----

DOVE. Yes, sir,--but first allow me to collect my loose memorandums; my head's a little _circumfused_.

LYNX. Proceed, sir, I beg; consider Mr. Coddle's anxiety.

DOVE. Well then--you must know--yesterday--after you had all gone, Mrs. D. exaggerated me to such a pitch, that I flew out of the house--never intending to be united again.

COD. Well?

DOVE. As I was a rushing through the streets--resolved to do as I liked--and talk as I liked, and to remove every _obelisk_ that stood in my way of so doing, who should I run against but a lady in black----

COD. (_Starting up._)--Ah!

LYNX. Sit still, and hear him out.

DOVE. Bless me, says _I_, why, Ma'am, I know you; pray, an't we united by ties of _iniquity?_ she looked at me--I looked at her, and she became _mutilated_ to the spot----

COD. Go on, go on.

DOVE. Aunt, says I----

COD. Aunt!

DOVE. Aunt, says I--an't you afraid of being _exercised_ and taken before the _conjugal_ authorities?

COD. For what? tell me for what?

All. Hush, hush! Silence.

LYNX. Proceed, Mr. Dove.

DOVE. Henry, says she, I am here on a matter that demands me to be very _circumflex_, and I beg you will not make known to any one that you have met me. Aunt, says I--I--owe you a grudge; do you remember how you used to use me, when I cleaned the boots in that family where you was cook?----

COD. Lord! cook! Go on!

DOVE. But to _alleviate_ a long story, suffice it to say--that I found out she calls herself----

COD. Mrs. Samuel Coddle!

DOVE. Yes; she went out to the West Indies, in a doctor's family, on account of some unlawful _willanies_. She went to Antigua----

COD. True.

DOVE. And changed her name----

COD. Changed her name! To what--to what?

DOVE. To--I forget--Bel----

COD. Belvidera Montemar?

DOVE. That's it.

COD. Then her real name was----

DOVE. Jane Hobbs.

COD. Huzza, huzza!--an illegal marriage! I'm free--it can be put aside, it can be put aside! Tol de rol lol.--(_Dancing._)--You hear, she was obliged to leave the country; she imposed upon me; she left me; she's here but to annoy me--but I'm free. Lynx, unbolt the door and let me out.--(_LYNX unbolts and opens the door._)--Mr. Dove, let me collar you; you shall never leave me till I have seen and satisfied the lawful Mrs. Coddle. You are my witness, and must come to your aunt, and then to my wife; follow us, my dear friends--follow us; seek your wives and be reconciled; I'll set you the example. Don't attempt to get away from me;--(_to DOVE_)--you are my best friend, and I shall never quit my hold of you. I wouldn't part with you for a million of money. My dear friend, my preserver, my every thing on earth to me--come with me to your aunt, to Belvidera--never mind hat, coat, any thing. My dear, my only Mrs. Coddle, open your arms, and receive your husband and his friend.--(_Rushing out, L. H. D., and dragging DOVE with him by the collar._)

LYNX. (_Calling after him._)--Coddle, my dear fellow, where are you running? let us follow him, my friends, and assist each other in search of our wives, and do our best, to gain mutual forgiveness.

[_Exit LYNX._

DIS. I wont--I've been used very ill--I walked before my house for an hour this morning, and though Mrs. D. was seated at the window, she wouldn't turn her head to notice me.

YOUNG. Where _my_ wife can be I am at a loss to guess. Not at her aunt's, I have been there, and they have not seen her. I am getting quite distracted.

DIS. So am I.

YOUNG. Then give me your arm, if you won't go home to _your_ wife, you must and shall help me to regain mine. It is a man's duty sir, to advance the first step towards a reconciliation.

DIS. I have advanced.

YOUNG. You have not.

DIS. Didn't I walk by the house?

YOUNG. No.

DIS. I did, and I won't go again.

YOUNG. You shall. If you don't know your duty, I'll teach it you. Come Sir, come.--[_Exit YOUNGHUSBAND dragging off DISMAL, L. H. D._