Part 3

There is another way in which men are apt to be careless, and that is in the disposal of a wet umbrella. Women are even more so, but these remarks are intended particularly for men, and beyond acknowledging that members of my own sex are equal sinners, I must leave them out of the question. When any one takes a dripping umbrella into an omnibus, he must charge himself with the task of seeing that it annoys no one but himself. If he can, at the same time, protect himself, well and good; but he must be altruistic in the matter and care for others first; the alternative being to prove himself lacking in one form of good manners. He must not even let his wet umbrella lean up against a vacant part of the cushioned seat, rendering it damp for the next comer.

[Sidenote: The rights of the absent.]

His social conscience cannot be up to its work if he permits himself to ignore the right of the absent to consideration, merely because they are absent.

Allowing umbrellas and sticks to protrude so as to trip up unwary passengers is another thing to be avoided.

[Sidenote: Carrying umbrellas and sticks.]

Carrying a stick or umbrella under the arm with the ferule protruding at the back and threatening the eyes of those who walk behind, is always a reprehensible practice, and one that is fraught with danger, and it is perhaps more than ever dangerous when the proprietor is ascending or descending the steps of an omnibus. At such moments passengers are liable to sudden checks from various causes, and the resultant backward jerk can be quite annoying enough to those behind without the aggravation of a pointed stick assaulting them. I have seen a girl’s hat torn off her head in this way, its numerous securing pins making havoc in her coiffure and eliciting lively expressions of pain.

[Sidenote: Entering and leaving an omnibus.]

It might appear hardly necessary to advocate care in walking up past other passengers inside an omnibus, for fear of treading on their feet, and to recommend a word of apology in case of any such transgression. But there have been cases which point to the desirability of a word of advice on such points.

[Sidenote: Apology covers a multitude of social sins.]

The ready apology covers a multitude of social sins. From some men it comes with an expression of such earnest solicitude that, anxious to reassure them, one quite willingly makes light of the damage done.

[Sidenote: The lady first, entering and leaving.]

In escorting a lady a man hands her into the omnibus before entering it himself; and if she prefers the top, he lets her mount the staircase in front of him. There seems to be an idea in the lowly classes that it is correct to precede a lady in ascending steps or stairs. This is not in accordance with the practice of good society. If circumstances do not admit of the two walking abreast, then the lady goes first, both in ascending and descending any stairs.

It is by no means necessary that any man should resign his seat in or on an omnibus simply because a woman wishes for it.

[Sidenote: On giving up one’s seat to a lady.]

The conductor has no right to ask “if any gentleman will go outside to oblige a lady”; and no gentlewoman would allow him to ask such a favour on her behalf. The inside passengers have selected inside seats, thereby testifying to their preference for them, and they should be allowed to retain them without interference.

[Sidenote: Women offenders.]

I have seen a delicate-looking boy, racked with a hacking cough, induced to ride outside on a cold and rainy night in order that a fat, rosy, healthy woman might have his inside seat. I felt all the more indignant on his behalf because the woman never even thanked him. It was no business of mine, but I was rejoiced to hear a man’s voice mutter in the darkness, “She looks better able to face it than that pale-faced lad.” But the woman wore a smug, well-pleased air, little knowing that her fellow-passengers were almost all regarding her with a feeling of dislike.

[Sidenote: No lady would request this favour.]

I repeat that no lady, in the highest sense of the term, would ever permit the conductor of an omnibus to ask such a favour for her. She would not ask it for herself; unlike a woman whom I saw, one day, mount on the step of an omnibus and inquire of the “insides,” “Won’t any genelman ride outside to oblige a lydy?” the “lydy” being herself.

It can never be out of place for a man to give up his seat in favour of the old and infirm, or for a woman with a baby in her arms.

[Sidenote: Higher laws than etiquette.]

But such matters as these belong to a region of heart and mind beyond mere manners, and it is useless to suggest any line of action on such subjects. The impulse must come from within.

[Sidenote: Smoking on the top of an omnibus.]

There have been women so unreasonable as to complain of men smoking on the top of an omnibus. Could anything be more illogical? First, they invade the seats that have been claimed by man as his right (though perhaps unjustly) for many long years, and then they feel annoyed because he smokes in their presence. Or, to speak accurately, they are petulant because his tobacco is often rank, strong, and consequently evil-smelling.

[Sidenote: A man is justified in so doing.]

But no man need feel it necessary to put out his pipe or throw away his cigar in these circumstances. Should he find himself so placed that the wind blows his smoke in the face of a woman, he may propose to change seats with her, in order that she may be spared the inconvenience. But no woman could rationally expect him to do more.

_ON HORSEBACK._

[Sidenote: Riding costume for the Park.]

A great change has taken place during the last few years in the character of riding costume for the Park. The subject may scarcely be a suitable one for a little book intended for those unaccustomed to the usages of the society of the wealthy. But there are almost always exceptional cases in which such information may be found of use.

[Sidenote: Disappearance of the black coat.]

Only quite old-fashioned people ride in black coats, the usual gear consisting of knickerbocker suits with Norfolk, or other country jacket, brown tops and bowler hats. It must be admitted that this is a distinct gain in picturesqueness. Straw hats are often seen on riders in the Park, but these have not quite so good an effect. The old formalities in dress are rapidly disappearing.

[Sidenote: The scope and limitations of the tweed suit.]

A man may ride in town in a tweed suit, which once would have been considered highly heterodox. He may even walk about London in the height of the season in a tweed suit, but it is not considered correct for him to join his friends in the Park without reverting to the black coat and high hat. Many an old statesman is still to be seen in the Park riding in frock-coat and tall hat, just as John Leech depicted the men of his day.

There are certain rules of etiquette connected with riding on horseback, which no one can afford to ignore. It is extremely ill-mannered to gallop noisily past a mounted lady, the risk being of startling her horse and inconveniencing her, if not subjecting her to an accident.

[Sidenote: The rule of the road for equestrians.]

The rule of the road for equestrians is to keep to the left, exactly the opposite to that for pedestrians. In passing others in front a detour is made to the right; in meeting other riders or wheel traffic of any sort the rider keeps close to the left. In accompanying a lady the gentleman keeps on her right hand, whether in town or on country roads.

[Sidenote: At a meet of hounds.]

At a meet of hounds, where ladies in carriages often assemble, it is not polite to keep too near them if mounted on a fidgety horse. When the hounds throw off, the inexperienced in such matters has a disagreeable way of getting in front in his eagerness, and sometimes overriding the hounds.

[Sidenote: “A crime of the blackest dye.”]

This, in the eyes of the huntsman, is not a fault; it is a crime of the blackest dye. If commissioned to take charge of a lady in the hunting-field a man must sacrifice his sporting instincts to a certain extent in order to see her safe over her fences, giving her a lead, or following her lead as circumstances may dictate. His desire to be in at the death may be as great as hers, but he must not indulge it at the expense of his politeness.

[Sidenote: A man’s duty to his charge.]

Very often his charge may beg of him to go on and leave her to her own devices.

[Sidenote: His responsibility ends only with the hunt.]

If he should perceive that she is really uncomfortable about keeping him back he may possibly yield to her persuasion, but in the case of any accident happening to her he would be certainly called to account by those who had placed her in his charge.

[Sidenote: A common error.]

One of the mistakes made by novices in the hunting-field is that of getting themselves up in “pink,” though they may not be a member of any hunt. This is more particularly the case when the packs are near town. Good West End tailors would never allow their clients to make such mistakes as these.

[Sidenote: Advice to the novice.]

They are the best authorities on all the minutiæ of country riding costume, and it is well for the customer to put himself unreservedly in the hands of the long-experienced in such matters. Of course this means high charges. Experience and skill are commercial commodities, just as much as fine cloth and silk linings, but if a man can afford to go a-hunting he ought to be able to afford the advice of a good tailor.

[Sidenote: Assisting a lady to her mount.]

In mounting a lady on horseback the gentleman takes her left foot in his right hand, and when she springs he helps her in this manner to reach the saddle, afterwards adjusting her left foot in the stirrup and arranging her habit for her.

_DRIVING_

[Sidenote: “Keep to your left”]

The same rule of the road applies to driving as to riding. In the crowded traffic of large towns and cities it would be difficult, if not impossible, to observe the good old rule of courtesy that prohibits the driver of any private carriage from overtaking and passing that of a friend or neighbour on the road. The members of the Four-in-Hand and Coaching Clubs still observe it, and seldom pass each other without an apologetic wave of the hand or raising of the hat.

[Sidenote: Acknowledging salutes.]

A gentleman driving a mail phaeton in the Park with a lady by his side must, of course, acknowledge all salutes by raising his hat, if he is sufficiently expert to admit of his doing so without risk. It is not every one who can emulate the Prince of Wales, who, when driving a coach, can take a cigar from his lips and raise his hat with the whip-hand, the reins, of course, being in the left. It is not unusual, nowadays, to see a man driven by a lady.

[Sidenote: Handing a lady up to her coach seat.]

In such a case he must be on the alert to afford her every assistance in his power. In handing a lady up to her place on a coach some expertness is required, especially where the usual short ladder is not available, and she has to mount first on the wheel and then on to the coach itself.

[Sidenote: Invitations to coach drives.]

The box-seat of a coach to the left of the driver is considered the place of honour, and the lady invited to occupy it is very appreciative, as a rule, of this mark of attention. It is scarcely necessary to remark that a man must be as careful about the invitations for a drive on his four-in-hand as he would be in other circumstances. A lady would resent being asked to meet any one unsuitable in a drive, even though the latter may be relegated to a back seat.

[Sidenote: A man may refuse a lady the coach reins.]

Sometimes ladies are very anxious to take the reins and drive themselves, a circumstance which has often occasioned agonies of nervousness to other women on the coach. It is quite possible to refuse such a request in a polite and gentlemanly way, partly by seeming to ignore it or laughing it off. It is not a bad plan when some such request is supposed to be imminent to bind oneself beforehand by a promise to one of the timid ladies. This promise can be produced with great effect when occasion arises.

[Sidenote: On dismounting, when calling for a lady.]

A man usually dismounts when calling for a lady to take her for a ride, if she is to be mounted. Sometimes, however, this rule is remitted, as in the case of a restive and very fresh animal; the groom then assists the lady to mount. The driver of a four-in-hand very seldom dismounts in such circumstances, though, of course, there are exceptions to this as to almost all other rules.

[Sidenote: On smoking when driving.]

It used to be considered bad manners to smoke when driving with a lady. This is now quite antediluvian, so to speak. Permission must, of course, always be asked of the lady. It is scarcely ever refused, and it is almost an exceptional thing to see a man driving without a cigar between his teeth.

Should the lady driven meet some acquaintances unknown to her charioteer, and wish to stop and converse with them, he raises his hat and awaits her pleasure. She will probably introduce him, but if not he takes no part in the conversation. The only thing he can do is to remain passive, but unless the lady feels justified in introducing him it is an error of taste on her part to enter into conversation with her friends.

[Sidenote: In which case the rule may be broken.]

Some ladies have a great disinclination to mount a four-in-hand or mail phaeton until the driver is seated with the reins in his hand and in full command of the horses. There is nothing surprising in this, for, after all, the groom who stands at the head of the horses before the start has very little control over them, and one or two disagreeable accidents have occurred in this way, the horses taking fright and escaping from his grasp. Consequently it would be no breach of good manners for the gentleman driving to take his seat and thus reassure his nervous companion.

_GAMES AND RECREATIONS._

[Sidenote: Chess and whist permanently popular.]

A man who can play a good game of chess, or even an excellent rubber of whist, must be aware that the acquirement involves an education in itself. Neither is ever likely to become unpopular among the best classes of society. Chess and whist clubs increase in number as time goes on; but for the purposes of everyday life less exigent games are found more useful.

[Sidenote: One should be able to play the minor games.]

Billiards, backgammon, poker, bézique, baccarat, écarté, draughts, vingt-et-un, and loo may be mentioned among the minor accomplishments with which the modern young man finds it convenient to be equipped. That a bad use has been made of some of these by converting them into media for gambling is not to be denied. At the same time there is no reason why those who play them in moderation should refrain from doing so because others abuse rather than use these means of recreation.

[Sidenote: These things are innocent in themselves.]

A round game affords a very innocent mode of spending an enjoyable evening, and country-house life especially is often enlivened in this way.

[Sidenote: And often quite necessary.]

Home life, whether in town or country, is apt to become monotonous, particularly for the young members of the family, if there is not occasionally an amusing game got up to pass away the evening hours, and anything that adds to the attractions of home must at least have one excellent recommendation.

[Sidenote: A man’s breeding is shown in his play.]

Apart from other considerations, the demeanour of a young man when playing cards affords a very good test of his manners. Some of them appear to think that the only fun to be had out of the game lies in cheating--very open and transparent cheating, to be sure--but still sufficient to spoil the amusement of others. A curious development of money greed is sometimes observable in players, who will show extreme exasperation at the loss of so simple a coin as a penny.

[Sidenote: Irritability over games.]

There are many fairly good-tempered men (and women) who evince extreme irritability over games of any kind. To play with such as these is very disagreeable, and the tendency to irascibility should be firmly checked by those who wish to be popular in society.

The host or hostess always takes the lead in these games, or else deputes some one else to do so. It is a sign of ill-breeding when any outsider assumes the command of a game without having been asked to do so.

[Sidenote: An outsider may not take the lead unsolicited.]

Unfortunately, gambling games are very popular at some houses, and it is possible for a young man, being unaware of the fact, to be drawn in and lose more than he can afford before he can politely extricate himself.

[Sidenote: Men and houses to be avoided.]

In such circumstances the only thing he can do is religiously to avoid any such house in future. It is a matter of notoriety that there are men who make good incomes by fleecing the young and inexperienced whom they invite to their houses under the guise of friendship; but even when there is no deliberate dishonesty in question, as in these cases, the host or hostess, out of pure love of gambling, draws in the guests to play for high sums.

[Sidenote: Things to be reckoned with.]

Unpardonable, it is true, but such things have to be reckoned with, and avoided, if possible. The matter is not confined to London; country-house life has much to answer for under the same heading.

_RULE OF THE ROAD ON THE RIVER._

[Sidenote: The rule of the road on the river.]

There is a rule of the road for the river, and those who boat on the Thames on crowded days fervently wish that it were better understood. There does not appear to be any means of acquiring the necessary information. If such means exist they have never come under my notice, and, for at least one summer, I spent many hours daily in that agreeable form of exercise.

[Sidenote: With the tide--the middle of the stream.]

Boats coming down with the tide keep the middle of the river; those going against it hug the shore on either side, but in passing other boats coming in the same direction they must go out in a semicircle, leaving the front boat the shore. Tow-boats are always given this advantage.

[Sidenote: Up-stream--either shore.]

In meeting other boats coming downstream which really have no right to the shore, but are mistakenly kept near the margin by inexperienced steerers, the boat going up-stream should not go out, but keep towards the land.

[Sidenote: The rights of anglers.]

The rights of the numerous anglers should be respected; and it is not only courteous but politic to do so, as it is disagreeable to have the lines entangled in the boat.

[Sidenote: Sailing-boats.]

Row-boats give way to sailing-boats on the river, especially when the latter are tacking to use the breeze. As to steam-launches, their motto too often appears to be that “Might is right.” Occupants of small boats keep a sharp look-out for these.

[Sidenote: Passing through locks.]

In passing through the locks the usual politeness of refraining from shooting ahead of boats in front should be observed. Any active emulation of this kind is a very risky business in the same way when pulling a boat over the rollers. A man is bound to yield the _pas_ to ladies or to any boat containing ladies. In fact, the courtesies of the river may be summed up as similar to those on land.

_DINNER-PARTIES._

[Sidenote: Invitation.]

“Mrs. X. requests the pleasure of Mr. L.’s company at dinner on Thursday, the 16th of February, at eight o’clock.”

[Sidenote: Acceptance.]

“Mr. L. accepts with pleasure Mrs. X.’s kind invitation to dinner on Thursday, the 16th of February.”

[Sidenote: Address of the hostess.]

These are the preliminaries; the lady’s address being on the sheet of paper or card on which her invitation has been written.

[Sidenote: The usual interval.]

Three weeks’ notice is usual, but sometimes, in the season, when many parties are going on, invitations are sent out four, five, or six weeks beforehand, in order to secure the guests. In the case of “lions” even longer invitations have been given; but as one of the first principles of good breeding is never to “corner” anybody, it is scarcely fair to invite those who are in much request without giving them the option of refusal.

[Sidenote: Unfairly long invitations.]

An invitation of seven or eight weeks’ length scarcely allows one to plead a pre-engagement, and often defeats the eager hostess’s own end by inducing the “lion” to accept without any intention of being present, writing later on to “renage,” to use a good old whist term.

But as our young man is scarcely yet a “lion,” and probably not over-burdened with engagements for dinner or any other social function, we may imagine him accepting with a free mind.

[Sidenote: Breaking the engagement.]

Should anything intervene to prevent him carrying out his engagement, he is in duty bound to let his hostess know as early as possible that he cannot be present at her dinner-party. This is more especially and particularly necessary with dinners, though it holds good with regard to all invitations.

[Sidenote: Peculiar obligation of the diner-out.]

But with dinner there is a peculiar obligation laid upon the guests. The choice and arrangement of them involves care on the part of the dinner-giver, more so than in the case of any other meal. In fact, dinner stands alone as an institution sacred to the highest rites of hospitality. To be invited is an honour to the young man who is just beginning his social life. To absent himself would be a gross rudeness, unless he could plead circumstances of a pressing nature. It is considered a great infraction of good manners to wire on the very day of the party that one cannot dine as arranged, unless something has occurred to justify such conduct.

[Sidenote: On declining at the last moment.]

The hostess can with difficulty find a substitute at short notice, and the whole plan of her table is destroyed by the absence of one person. There are few people who would not feel offended at being invited to fill a gap of the kind, and this is what makes it so extremely discourteous to disappoint at the last moment, as it were.

[Sidenote: A “fill-up” invitation.]

The unfortunate hostess thinks, “Is there any one good-natured enough to come and fill the vacant place?” Sometimes this is the _raison d’être_ of a young man’s first invitation. Let him accept it by all means, even though he is perfectly aware that he was not his entertainer’s first choice.

[Sidenote: One’s first dinner-party.]

Many a young man feels nervous about his first dinner-party. There are a few puzzling things that trouble him in prospect. He wonders if he should wear gloves, as ladies do, taking them off at the dinner-table. Let me set his mind at rest on this small point, at once.

[Sidenote: Gloves not worn by men.]

He need not wear gloves. In fact, he must not. Another little matter to be remembered is that a quarter of an hour’s grace is always understood in dinner invitations. Should the hour indicated be 8 o’clock, then care must be taken to time the arrival at five or ten minutes past the hour.

[Sidenote: Punctuality imperative.]

But it is better to be too early than too late. A want of punctuality at this meal is unpardonable. It is the very height of rudeness, annoying to the host and hostess, displeasing to the guests, and regarded as outrageous by the cook.

[Sidenote: One’s first duty to one’s hostess.]