Part 5

To please my Wife, did take her this Evening to MADAME TUSSAUD her Wax Works; a grand large Room, with Gilding, lighted up very splendid: cost 2s., and a Catalogue 6d. The Wax Figures showy: but with their painted Cheeks and glassy Eyes--especially such as nod and move--do look like Life in Death. The Dresses very handsome, and I think correct; and the Sight of so many People of Note in the Array of their Time, did much delight me. Among the Company Numbers of Country Folk, and to see how they did stare at the Effigies of the QUEEN, and the PRINCE, and the DUKE OF WELLINGTON, and the KING OF THE BELGIANS, and the PRINCESS CHARLOTTE that was, and GEORGE THE FOURTH in his Coronation Robes, grand as a Peacock! The Catalogue do say that his Chair is the very one wherein he sat in the Abbey; but it look like a Play-House Property, and little thought the King where it would come down to figure! A Crowd of Dames gazing at the Group of the Royal Family, calling the Children "Dears" and "Ducks," and would, I verily believe, have liked to kiss their Wax Chaps. My Wife feasted her Eyes on the little Princes and Princesses, I mine upon a pretty, modest, black Maid beside me, and she hers on me, till my Wife spying us, did pinch me with her Nails in the Arm. Pretty, to see the Sovereign Allies in the last War, and bluff old BLUCHER, and BONAPARTE and his Officers, in brave Postures, but stiff. Also the two KING CHARLESES, and OLIVER, together; CHARLES THE FIRST protesting against his Death-Warrant, and his Son Backing him; and CARDINAL WOLSEY looking on. LORD BYRON in the Dress of a Greek Pirate, looking Daggers and Pistols, close to JOHN WESLEY preaching a Sermon; and methought, if all MADAME TUSSAUD'S Figures were their Originals instead, what Ado there would be! Many of the Faces that I knew very like; and my LORD BROUGHAM I did know directly, and LISTON in _Paul Pry_. But strange, among the Kings to see him that was the Railway King; and methinks that it were as well now if he were melted up. Thence to the NAPOLEON Rooms, where BONAPARTE'S Coach, and one of his Teeth, and other Reliques and Gimcracks of his, well enough to see for such as care about him a Button. Then to the Chamber of Horrors, which my Wife did long to see most of all; cost, with the NAPOLEON Rooms, 1s. more; a Room like a Dungeon, where the Head of ROBESPIERRE, and other Scoundrels of the great French Revolution, in Wax, as though just cut off, horrid ghastly, and Plaster Casts of Fellows that have been hanged: but the chief attraction a Sort of Dock, wherein all the notorious Murderers of late Years; the foremost of all, RUSH, according to the Bill, taken from Life at Norwich, which, seeing he was hanged there, is an odd Phrase. Methinks it is of ill Consequence that there should be a Murderers' Corner, wherein a Villain may look to have his Figure put more certainly than a Poet can to a Statue in the Abbey. So away again to the large Room, to look at JENNY LIND instead of GREENACRE, and at 10 of the Clock Home, and so to Bed, my Wife declaring she should dream of the Chamber of Horrors.

Comes MR. GOLLOPE, and MR. GOBLESTONE, and JENKYNS, to dine with me off a Haunch of Venison, and MR. MC. NAB calling, I did make him stay Dinner too, and the Venison very fat and good; and MR. GOLLOPE did commend my Carving, whereof I was proud. Between them a Debate over our Dinner, as to whether the Red Deer or the Fallow Deer were the better Venison, and both MR. GOLLOPE and MR. GOBLESTONE do say the Fallow, but MR. MC. NAB will have it that the Red is by far the better, and do tell them they know nothing about the Matter, and never tasted Red Deer but such as had been mewed up in Richmond Park, which are mighty different from them that do browse in the Highlands on the Heather. He do say that Highland Deer-Stalking do excel every other Sport, from Tiger-Hunting to Fox-Hunting, which I mean to repeat to MR. CORDUROYS to make him mad. Then he to describe the Manner of Stalking the Deer, and his Account thereof mighty taking, but, with his broad Scottish Accent and Phrases, droll; and good Lack, to hear him talk of Braes, and Burns, and Cairns, and Corries, rattling the R in every Word! He says that the Deer are the cunningest and the watchfullest, and can see, and hear, and smell at the greatest Distance of any Creature almost living, and do keep Spies to look out, and their Ears and Eyes always open and their Noses to the Wind, and do think and reason in their Minds like human Beings; which, methinks, is peculiar to the Scotch Deer. He says that the Sport is to fetch a Compass on them by Stratagem, so as to approach or drive them nigh enough to shoot them with a Rifle, and it do often take some Hours and several Miles, mostly crawling on the Hands and Knees, to get one Shot. He says that the Stalker and Hill-Keepers that wait on him must, to gain their Chance, dodge, stooping behind Crags, wriggle and creep over Flats and up Brooks like Snakes or Eels, clamber up and run down Precipices, and stride over Bogs, wherein they do sometimes sink plump up to the Middle; which should be rather Sport to the Stag than the Huntsman. But after all, the Deer shot dead, or wounded, and at Bay with the Hounds at his Throat, but despatched at last, and paunched, which he do call "gralloched," is such a Triumph that it do repay the Sportsman for all his Pains. He do say that what with the Grandeur of the Mountains, and the Freshness of the Air, the Spirits are raised beyond what we could imagine, and the Appetite also increased wonderfully; whereat MR. GOLLOPE did prick up his Ears. To conclude, he did declare that no one could know what Deer-Stalking was that had not tried it; but methinks I can, remembering how I used in my Youth to creep in Ditches and behind Hedges to shoot Larks.

Up, and by Railway with MR. WAGSTAFFE to Guzzleford to my COSIN PEG her Wedding, and heard the Bells a ringing at 9 o'clock, the Marriage not to be till 11, but found they were rung for an Election; 'SQUIRE CALLOW and MR. FAIRPORT standing for County Members in the Room of MR. BROWNJOHN. So, the Wedding over, we about the Town to see the Fun. A Fellow the worse for Beer demanding whose Colours we wore, meaning our Wedding-Favours, MR. WAGSTAFFE did pleasantly answer, HYMEN'S, whereupon the Fellow, crying "CALLOW for ever!" did rush full at us, but, we parting, slip between us and tumble headlong into the Mud. Good Lack! to see what Numbers of Ragamuffins everywhere with their Hats awry, Noses bleeding, or Eyes blacked, staggering under huge Placard Boards, whereon, in great Letters, "CALLOW and Agriculture," or, "Vote for FAIRPORT and Commerce!" The Windows and Balconies full of Ladies, some pretty, to whom in my Wife's Absence I did kiss my Hand. But to think of the Ladies wearing the Colours of the Candidates, Blue and Yellow, but only for an Excuse to deck themselves out with Ribbons! In the Streets, Horsemen galloping to and fro, to tell the State of the Polls, and the Mob cheering and bantering them, mighty droll. 'SQUIRE CALLOW did put up at the Barley-Mow, and MR. FAIRPORT at the Rising Sun, and between the two Inns, with a few plump rosy Farmers in Top-Boots, was a noisy Rabble, quarrelling and fighting, with Skins unwashed, and unshorn Muzzles, whom the Candidates' Committee-Men, speaking to them from the Windows, did call Free and Independent Electors. To some that harangued them, the Mob did cry, "Go Home," and "Who cheated his Washerwoman?" or, "How about the Workhouse Beef?" yet listened to a few that were familiar and cracked old Jokes with them. Presently they addressed by the Candidates in Turn; and nasty to see them pelt each Speaker with stale Eggs. But to hear, as well as might be for the Shouting and Hissing, 'SQUIRE CALLOW promising the Farmers to restore the Corn Laws, and laying the Potato Blight and late Sickness to Free Trade; while MR. FAIRPORT did as loudly charge all the Woes and Grievances of the Country on the Landlords. By-and-by, MR. FAIRPORT, the Poll going so much against him, did give in, and then 'SQUIRE CALLOW come forward, and make a brave Speech about our Glorious Institutions and the British Lion, and so away to have his Election declared, to the Town Hall, in a Carriage and Four, and the Rabblement after him. Then they left behind did set to on both Sides to fling Stones, and 'SQUIRE CALLOW'S Mob did break the Windows of the Rising Sun, and MR. FAIRPORT'S the Windows of the Barley-Mow; which the Townsmen did say would be good for the Glaziers, and MR. WAGSTAFFE do observe that the Conservative 'SQUIRE CALLOW hath destructive Constituents. What with Publicans, and Lawyers, and Damage, the Election will cost the Candidates £6000 or £7000 a-Piece, and to think what a good Motive one must have to become a Parliament-Man, that will spend so much Money for the Chance of a Seat.

Up mighty betimes, and to Brushwood for a Day's Shooting, by Invitation from MR. TIBBITTS, whose Father, the rich Furrier, did die the other Day, and leave him a Fortune, and now he hath rented Brushwood Manor to shoot over for the Season. But Lack, what a set of young Rogues I found there of TIBBITTS his Acquaintance, a-smoking of Cigars and short Pipes, and a-drinking of Ale and bottled Stout at 10 o'clock of the Morning! Mighty ashamed of, though diverted with, my Company, to hear their loose and idle Conversation, and how none of them could pronounce the letter H, and to think what an unlettered vulgar Fellow TIBBITTS is, and that I should demean myself to associate with such a Companion only because of his Riches, and Wine, and Dinners. One of the Party, WIGGYNS, did tell me we should have a prime Lark, which, this being the first Day of Pheasant-Shooting, I did think droll; but divers Larks, indeed, were shot before the Day was over. So we into the Fields, and a Keeper following us with the Dogs, and, whenever I did look over my Shoulder, did catch him grinning and making Faces behind our Backs. But strange, to see how much better the Rogues did shoot than I expected, though firing at Tom-Tits, or anything almost, and do understand they got this Skill at the Red House, Battersea, through popping at Pigeons and Sparrows let loose from a Trap; which do seem but a cruel and a barbarous kind of Sport. But little Birds were not all they shot, for one HIGGES aiming at a Hare did miss, and instead of the Hare hit one of the Dogges, and sent him yelping and limping Home. But good Lack, to see how careless the Fellows were with their Fire-Arms, carrying their Guns, full-cocked, pointing right in one another's Faces, and one, dragging his Piece through a Hedge after him, it went off, but finding it had only carried off the Skirt of his Shooting-Coat, we had a good Laugh of it. Another, with a double-barrelled Gun, having shot off one Barrel at a Blackbird, I did see reloading; the other Barrel being still loaded and at full Cock. He, forcing down the Ramrod with all his Might, I did catch him by the Elbow, and point to the Cock of the Gun, and methinks I did never see a Man on a Sudden tremble so terribly, or grow so pale. Getting beyond Brushwood, into a Field hard by, MR. WIGGYNS did let fly at some Ducks, for one of those Larks he had been talking of, which did bring down upon us the Farmer, with his Bull-Dog, and cause us to make off with all the Speed we could. I in mighty Dread of being seized as an Accomplice in shooting the Duck, fearing the Farmer, who is horridly enraged with the Game-Preserving at Brushwood, for that the Game do eat up his Crops; and, truly, the Game Laws are a great Nuisance. Home from our Shooting, with our Bag, carried by TIBBITTS his Tiger-Boy, very full, with a Brace or two of Pheasants and Partridges, but many more Brace of Chaffinches, and Yellow-Hammers, and Robin Redbreasts, and so to Dinner, where all very merry, and so to Bed.

To the Docks, to meet MR. SOKER, and go over the Wine Vaults with a Tasting-Order, and taste the Wine there before it hath undergone any Roguery for the Market. Found there SOKER, and MR. WAGSTAFFE, and SWILBY, and SWYPE, and SHARPE, and with them MR. GOODFELLOWE, who had gotten SOKER the Order. First to the Quay, heaped with Barrels of Wine, and one huge Barrel, they did tell me, holding 625 Gallons, hoisted ashore, MR. WAGSTAFFE did say, by an Adjutant, or Gigantic Crane. Then, through all Manner of Casks and Tubs, and Bales of Merchandise, to St. Katherine's Dock, and down to the Vault, where a Cooper forthwith did wait on us with a Couple of Glasses, and gave each Man a flat Stick with a Lamp at the farther End, to see our Way. The Vault almost quite dark, only lighted by Sconces from the Roof, and the farthest Sconce looking half-a-mile off, and all this Space full of Barrels of Wine! The Roof supported by Rows of Columns; and the Vault altogether like the Crypt of a vast Cathedral, but sweeter; the Air smelling of Wine very strong, which alone did make me feel giddy. Strange to see the Mildew hanging in all Sorts of Forms from the Roof, which many do mistake for Cobwebs, but some call Fungus, and DR. LIMBECK, the Chymist, do tell me is mostly Nitrate of Lime. The Cooper did lead us to the Wine we were to taste, and pretty to see him tap the Barrel by boring a Hole in it with a Gimlet. We did drink, all round, a good Ale-glass each of excellent Sherry, all except MR. SHARPE; and I did wonder to see him taste the Wine, and call it rare good Stuff, and yet spit it out, but found by and by that he was wise. Next, to the London Dock; and MR. GOODFELLOWE did give us Biscuit, and recommend us to eat, and I did take his advice, and glad I did. Here, more Curiosities in Mildew, hanging from the Roof; and one a Festoon as big as the great Sausage in the Pork-Shop at the Corner of Bow Street. A good Story from the Cooper, of a Visitor that took a Specimen of the Mildew away in his Hat, and with the Moisture of his Head, it melted and blackened his Face, and served him right, that--like more than enough Sight-Seers--could not keep his Hands from Picking. To several Vaults, and tasted Wine in each; all very vast, but the East Vault the biggest, and do contain more thousand Pipes, and cover more Acres than I doubt, by Reason of the Wine I drunk, I can remember. By this Time, our Party very jolly and noisy, and did begin to dance and sing, and flourish their Lamps like Playhouse Devils; and methought I did see the Meaning of the Notice outside, that Ladies could not be admitted after 1 o'Clock. Coming into the open Air, could scarcely stand; and MR. GOODFELLOWE did see them into Cabs, and I home on Foot--straight as I could go--and my Wife wondering at the Redness of my Nose. Good Lack! to see the Quantity of Goods and Wine in the Docks; and to think what a great and mighty Nation we are, and what Oceans of Liquor we do swill and guzzle!

Up, and to Church together with my Wife, to see PALL HARLEY married this Morning to DICK BAKER; on both Sides mighty genteel People, and their Guests, all except ourselves, such as they do call Carriage-Company. PALL, in a Dress of White Satin, and Orange Flowers in her Hair, very pretty and demure, and DICK, wearing a Sky-Blue Coat, Crimson Velvet Waistcoat, Yellow Moleskin Trousers, and Japanned Boots; with Lavender Kid Gloves, and a Carbuncle in his Shirt-Front, a great Buck. DICK and every Man of us with great White Favours at our Breasts, mighty conspicuous and, methought, absurd, the Things serving neither for Use nor Ornament. But to see how grand were old fat MR. HARLEY and MR. BAKER, and how more grand were their fat Wives, and how fine and serious they looked and how high they carried their Noses! And when the Ring was put on PALL'S Finger (DICK first having fumbled for it in the wrong Pocket), her Mother did weep, and falling for stay on MR. HARLEY, nigh overthrew him. But the pretty modest Bridesmaids did most of all take me; which my Wife observing, I saw, did trouble her. The Ceremony over, and the Fees paid, and the Bride kissed by some of the old Gentlemen, we to old HARLEY'S to Breakfast, where what WIGGYNS do call a Grand Spread, very fine both for Show and Meats, every Dish ornamented with Flowers and Gimcracks, the cold Chickens trimmed with Ribbons, and the Bride-Cake, having upon it Wax CUPIDS and Turtle-Doves, was pretty. So down we sat, DICK stiff and sheepish, and PALL also, shamefaced, and trying to hide her Blushes with a Nosegay. PALL'S Mother in Tears, and her Father solemn, and the Bridesmaids mostly bashful, but a little black one that sate by me very merry, and I did by-and-by pull Crackers with her, till my Wife suddenly thrust a Pin into my Arm, to the Quick. The Company first silent, till a Friend of the young Pair, who did say he had known them both from Babies, did propose their Health in a pretty pathetic but confused Speech, and breaking down in the Midst of a Sentence, conclude by wishing them long Life and Happiness, with great Applause. Then the Bride-Groom to return Thanks, but, perplexed with his Pronouns, obliged to stop short too, but, he said, overcome by his Feelings. The Champagne flowing, we soon merrier, especially an old Uncle of DICK'S who began to make Jokes, which did trouble the Bride and Bride-Groom. But they presently with much Crying and Kissing, and Shaking of Hands, away in a Coach-and-Four, amid the Cheering of the Crowd in the Street and the Boys shouting to behold the fine Equipage; and Servants and old Women looking on from the opposite Windows. We eating and drinking with great Delight till late in the Afternoon, but at last broke up, the Multitude saluting us each as we stepped into the Street, and the Policeman and Beadle that were guarding the Door in great State, touching their Hats. A grand Marriage Breakfast do give a brave Treat to the Mob, in Show, and to the Company in Eating and Drinking, and is great Fun to all but those most concerned. But to think what a Fuss is made about most Marriages, and how little Reason for it is shown by most People's married Life.

To the old House in the Market, where I would fain have seen _Macbeth_, for the Acting as well as the Divertisement; but this not the Night, so went Half-Price, and did see the _Unpolished Gem_, instead. TOUCHSTONE did play _Brother Dick_, a Country Clown, and his Figure, in a Coat short in the Waist, a huge striped Waistcoat, Trousers too big for him tucked up at the Ankles, Hob-Nail Boots, and a great ill-shaped Hat, mighty droll, and did move the People to clap their Hands and laugh the Moment he come on the Stage. Then did he take off his Hat, and show a red-cropped Head, and smooth down his Hair, and make a Face upon the Audience, whereat they did laugh again, and then turning round show them a Back View of himself, which made them laugh the more. Still greater Laughter the Moment he opened his Mouth, and I did laugh too, as much as any, though I heard not what he said; but only for the Oddness of his Voice, which is such that methinks I could not keep my Countenance to hear him, even if he were speaking _Hamlet_. Mighty droll to see him in a fine House make himself at Home after the Fashion of a Bumpkin, and hear him in his rustical Drawl and Twang relate all the News and Tattle of his Village. What with his clodhopping Gait, and Awkwardness, and Independence, and Impudence, he did make, methinks, the veriest Lout I did ever see, even in Hampshire. His politeness even droller than his Rudeness, and his Ploughboy Courtesy of kissing his Hand as comical as could be. But I know not well whether I do more prefer his Cocknies or his Clowns; for methinks I have seen him do a Snob as well as a Clodpole, and he is very good in both, whether a rustical Booby or a Whippersnapper Spark; and do use V for W, and misuse or drop his H, and talk the Flash and Cant of the Town mighty natural. But to think how we English People do take Delight in everything that is ridiculous; and how I have seen a Theatre ringing with Merriment at the Sight of TOUCHSTONE in a Paper Cap and Apron, with a Baker's Tray, and a Bell, crying "Muffins!" or eating with his Mouth full; or even putting his Arms a-Kimbo, or pulling his Hat over his Eyes, and some of the Audience, and myself too, in Fits almost with Laughter. Methinks that Foreigners are wrong to suppose that we are a melancholy People, and would give up this Notion if they could see us at a broad Farce, and how easily we are pleased, and what Straws will tickle us almost to Death. Home, my Sides aching by Reason of TOUCHSTONE'S Drolleries, and truly he do make a mighty excellent roguish Buffoon. So to Bed mimicking TOUCHSTONE his Voice to my Wife, which did divert her mightily.