Part 4

Prevailed upon by my Wife to carry her to Bath, as she said, to go see her Aunt DOROTHY, but I know she looked more to the Pleasure of her Trip than any Thing else; nevertheless I do think it necessary Policy to keep in with her Aunt, who is an old Maid and hath a pretty Fortune; and to see what Court and Attention I pay her though I do not care 2d. about her! But am mightily troubled to know whether she hath sunk her Money in an Annuity, which makes me somewhat uneasy at the Charge of our Journey, for what with Fare, Cab-Hire, and Vails to DOROTHY'S Servants for their good Word, it did cost me altogether £6, 2s. 6d. To the Great Western Station in a Cab, by Reason of our Luggage; for my Wife must needs take so many Trunks and Bandboxes, as is always the Way with Women: or else we might have gone there for 2s. 6d. less in an Omnibus. Did take our places in the First Class notwithstanding the Expense, preferring both the Seats and the Company; and also because if any Necks or Limbs are broken I note it is generally in the Second and Third Classes. So we settled, and the Carriage-Doors slammed to, and the Bell rung, the Train with a Whistle off like a Shot, and in the Carriage with me and my Wife a mighty pretty Lady, a Frenchwoman, and I did begin to talk French with her, which my Wife do not well understand, and by and by did find the Air too much for her where she was sitting, and would come and take her Seat between us; I know, on Purpose. So fell a reading the _Times_, till One got in at Hanwell who seemed to be a Physician, and mighty pretty Discourse with him touching the Manner of treating Madmen and Lunatics, which is now by gentle Management, and is a great Improvement on the old Plan of Chains and the Whip. Also of the Foulness of London for Want of fit Drainage, and how it do breed Cholera and Typhus, as sure as rotten Cheese do Mites, and of the horrid Folly of making a great Gutter of the River. So to Swindon Station, where the Train do stop ten Minutes for Refreshment, and there my Wife hungry, and I too with a good Appetite, notwithstanding the Discourse about London Filth. So we out, and to the Refreshment-Room with a Crowd of Passengers, all pushing and jostling, and trampling on each other's Toes, striving which should get served first. With much Ado got a Basin of Soup for my Wife, and for myself a Veal and Ham Pie, and to see me looking at my Watch, and taking a Mouthful by Turns; and how I did gulp a Glass of GUINNESS his Stout! Before we had half finished, the Guard rang the Bell, and my Wife with a start did spill her Soup over her Dress, and was obliged to leave Half of it; and to think how ridiculous I looked, scampering back to the Train with my Meat-Pie in my Mouth! To run hurry-skurry at the Sound of the Bell, do seem only fit for a Gang of Workmen; and the Bustle of Railways do destroy all the Dignity of Travelling; but the World altogether is less grand, and do go faster than formerly. Off again, and to the End of our Journey, troubled at the Soup on my Wife's Dress, but thankful I had got my Change, and not left it behind me at the Swindon Station.

Up mighty betimes, and after a four Miles' Walk, losing Weight like a Jockey, to the Palace Yard of St. James's Palace, to see the Soldiers mount Guard to guard the QUEEN, which they do every Morning whether she is there or no, and is a pretty pompous Ceremony. Found myself among as dirty shabby a Set of Fellows hanging about as I think I ever saw, with whom two or three with the Look of Gentlemen, and a pretty Sprinkling of Milliner-Girls and Nurse-Maids. Strange how all Women almost do run after Soldiers; which MR. PUMPKYNS do say is because Weakness do, by Instinct, seek the Protection of Courage; but I think is owing to nothing at all but the Bravery of a Red Coat. In a few Minutes more Riff-Raff pouring in; then a Noise without of drumming: and then just at 1/4 to 11, a Party of the Grenadier Guards marching in under the Clock-Tower, the Drums and Fifes in Front of them, and, at the Head of all, the Drum Major, twirling his Staff, strutted like a Pouter-Pigeon, as stately, almost, as ever I saw J. BLAND. The Men at the Word of Command ground arms with a Clang, and stood at Ease in Lines, and together with the Spectators made a Square, with the Drums and Fifes at one End, and the Band at the other by the Clock-Tower, and a Post in the Middle, and around the Post, with the Colours, the Officers in full Figg, mighty trim; and MR. WAGSTAFFE do tell me that the Guards have brave clothing Colonels. The Band did play while the Men that should relieve Guard were marching off; and I do muse why Soldiers are provided with so much Musique, and conclude it is to hinder them from thinking, and also in Battle to inflame their Minds without making them drunk. At five Minutes to the Hour comes the relieved Guard, and draws up ready to be marched away, and to see them backing for Room on the Crowd's Toes! Droll, also, to watch the Marshalman, in his grand Uniform and with his Staff of Office, going about to make Space and keep Order among the ragged Boys; and I remember how, in my Youth, I thought he was a General Officer. More Musique, in the Meanwhile, by the Band; the Band-Master, a rare plump Fellow, in goodly Condition, conducting, with a Clarionet for his Batoon. Suddenly the Musique cut short by the Drums and Fifes, the Word given, and the Men did fall in, and away to Barracks, a Grand March playing, and all the Tag-Rag at their Heels. But to see the Lieutenant, the Officer of the Day, set up the Colours on the Post, and touch his Cap and kiss his Sword to them, saluting them, which do seem a senseless Pantomime. Besides, the Flag, a most old and sorry one, blown into Tatters, which, in our long Peace, must have been done by the Breeze and not the Battle; but so left, with a Grenadier to guard it, sticking in the Post. Then the Officer did dismiss the Off Guard, and away to his Quarters for the Day. Methinks that mounting Guard at the Palace is a Service of little Danger or Hardship; but, good Lack! to think what Fire-eaters in Battle are the Dandy Officers of the Guards, and how their Men will follow them through thick and thin, and what Work those Fellows can do when called on, that play Soldiers about St. James's!

Finding Fault with my Wife, for that she do not use enough Exercise; whence her continual Headach, and FADDELL, the 'Potticary his bill of £5. She replying that I would never take her out, I said I would, whenever she liked; whereupon, we agreed to go a Walk forthwith, and my Wife did propose Regent Street. So we thither, pleasing ourselves with observing the Passers-by and the Carriages, and the Streets blazing with fine Ladies and flaming Liveries. Going by LINDSEY AND WOOLSEY'S, my Wife's Eye taken with a Scarf in the Window, and would stop to look at it with a Crowd of other Women gazing at the Finery, which MR. SKITT do call Baits, and a Draper's Shop a Lady-Trap. Presently she recollected that she wanted a Collar; so we into the Shop, where some sixty or eighty Ladies sitting before the Counters, examining the Wares, busy as Blue-Bottle Flies at a Sugar-Cask. Behind the Counters the Shopmen and Assistants, showing off the Goods, and themselves also, with mighty dainty Airs, every one of them, almost, NARCISSUS his Image. One of these dapper young Sirs did help my Wife to her Collar, cost 3s. 6d.; when she thought she had better get another while about it, cost 3s. 6d. more. Then, says he, in his soft condoling Voice, "What is the next Article?" Hereupon, my Wife bethought her of lacking some Lace Cuffs, four Pair: cost 12s. "And now, Mem," says the young Fellow with a Simper, "allow me to show you a Love of a Robe, a Barège, Double Glacé, brocaded in the Flouncings, and reduced to Twenty-One-and-Six from Forty-Five." But she professed that she needed it not: whereat I was glad; when he did tell her he would do it at One-and-Four less: and she then saying that it was indeed a Bargain, which I find is a Woman's Word for anything cheap whether wanted or no, I let her have it: cost £1, 0s. 2d. But, to be sure, the Pattern was pretty, and my Wife being well-dressed do please my Taste, and also increase my Consequence and Dignity. The Robe bought, it comes into her Head that she could not do without a new Shawl to match it, blue and scarlet, cost £2, 2s., but will look mighty fine, and, I hope, last. Here I thought to hale her at once by Force away; but seeing a stout middle-aged Gentleman doing the very Thing, and how mean it looked, did forbear; and in the Meanwhile the Shopman did beg, as he said, to tempt her with a superior Assortment of Ribbons. She rummaging over this Frippery, I to gaze about the Shop, and with Fellow-Feeling did mark an unhappy small Boy, while his Mother was comparing some three-score different Pieces of Satin, perched on a Stool, out of Patience. My Wife would have 5s. worth of Ribbons, and here I hoped would make an End; but the Shopman did exhibit to her some Silk Stockings; and I telling her they were unnecessary, she declared that then she must wear Boots, which she knows I hate; and concluded with buying half a Dozen Pair, cost 24s.; and we away, bowed out of the Shop with Congees by the smirking Shopwalker, rubbing his Hands and grinning, as obsequious as could be; and so Home; I mighty serious, having laid out £5, 10s. 2d.; and the next Time I take out my Wife for a Walk, it shall be in the Fields and not in Regent Street.

This Afternoon about Four of the Clock to Regent Street, and did walk up and down, among the fine Folk mostly, many Foreigners, and a few Street Urchins, and others of the lower Sort, and note the Carriages stand in Front of the Shops, and the Walking Advertisement Boys and Men, and the Cabs and Omnibuses go by, and the Advertising Vans, and mighty fine and droll the Monster Advertising Car of MOSES AND SON the Tailors. In the Evening to the Queen's House in the Haymarket, to hear MOZART his famous Opera "_Le Nozze di Figaro_" and SONTAG in _Susanna_, which she do act mighty skittish, and with the prettiest sidelong Looks, but the most graceful and like a Lady, and do trip the Stage the daintiest and make the nicest Curtsies, and sing the sweetest that methinks I ever did hear or see: and to think that MR. VIEUXBOYS should tell me she do it as well now as he did see her twenty Years ago! Pretty, to hear her sing "_Venite inginocchiatevi_," where she do make _Cherubino_ kneel down on the Cushion before the _Countess_, and put him on a Girl's Cap, and pat his Chin and Face. Also her singing of "_Sull' Aria_" with PARODI, the _Countess_, and the mingling of their Voices very musicall. Likewise that jolly blooming she-BACCHUS-ALBONI, _Cherubino_, with her passionate fine singing of "_Non so più_" and "_Voi che sapete_," did delight me much; and she did play a stripling of a Page in Love to the very Life. BELLETTI did mightily take me with his Knaveries, in _Figaro_, and singing of "_Non più andrai_," which is a most lively and martial Song; and the Grand March very brave as well, and did make my Heart leap, and me almost jump out of my Seat. COLLETTI, too, the _Count_, did content me much, and to the utmost with "_Crudel! perchè finora_." But then to hear LABLACHE, what a great Thing he do make out of so small a Part as _Bartolo_, with his Voice in the Concert-Pieces heard above all the Rest, and thundering out "_La Vendetta_," like a musicall STENTOR; and his undertaking of little Characters to make an Opera perfect is very magnanimous; and MR. WAGSTAFFE do well say that he "_Ingentes Animos ingenti in Pectore versat_," and have as much Brains as Body. Mighty droll to hear the Quartett, with each Singer in turn holding the Voice on the word "_Io_," called for three Times, and the Singers each Time spinning "_Io_" out longer, whereat great Laughter; and the Performers laughing as much as the Audience. Wonderfull how still all the House was while SONTAG was a singing of "_Deh! vieni non tardar_," and the _Bravas_ and Clapping of Hands when she had ended; and to hear how she did stick to the Text, and not, like a vulgar silly _Prima Donna_, disfigure noble Musique by ridiculous Flourishes. Home to Supper, it being late, though, walking up the Haymarket, did sorely long for stewed Oysters. Telling my Wife of the Opera, did speak of _Susanna_ boxing _Figaro_ his Ears, and let out that I could have been glad to have her box mine too, which my Wife did say she could do as well if I pleased; but I said I had rather not, and so, whistling "_Non più andrai_," rather small to Bed.

Comes MR. GOLLOPE, this being his Birth-day, to bid me to go dine with him and a Company of some Half-dozen of our Acquaintance, off Whitebait at Blackwall. So we first to London Bridge, on Foot, walking for an Appetite, and there took Water, and down the River in a Steam-Boat, with great Pleasure, enjoying the Breeze, and the View of the Shipping, and also the Prospect of a good Dinner. Landed at the Pier, and as fast as we could to LOVEGROVE'S, where our Table engaged in the large Room. But good Lack! to see the Fulness of the Place, every Table almost crowded with eager Eaters, the Heaps of Whitebait among them, and they with open Mouths and Eyes shovelling Spoonful after Spoonful into their Plates and thence thrusting them five or six at a Time into their Chaps. Then, here and there, a fat Fellow, stopping, out of Breath, to put down his Knife and Fork, and gulp a Goblet of iced Punch, was mighty droll; also to hear others speaking with their Mouths full. But Dinner coming, I cared not to look about me, there being on Table some dozen different Dishes of Fish, whereof the Sight did at first bewilder me, like the Donkey between the Haystacks, not knowing which to choose; and MR. GOBLESTONE do lament that at a Feast with Plenty of good Things he never was able to eat his Fill of every one. A Dish of Salmon with India-Pickle did please me mightily, also some Eels, spitchcocked, and a stewed Carp, and ate heartily of them with much Relish; but did only nibble at the Rest by way of a Taste, for I felt exceeding full, and methought I should have no Stomach for the Whitebait. But Lack! to see when it came, how my Appetite returned, and I did fall to upon it, and drink iced Punch, and then at the Whitebait again. Pretty, the little Slices of brown Bread and Butter, they did bring us to eat it withal, and truly, with a Squeeze of Lemon and Cayenne Pepper, it is delicate Eating. After the Whitebait plain, Whitebait devilled made us to eat the more, and drink too, which we did in Champagne and Hock, pledging each other with great Mirth. After the Fish comes a Course of Ducks, and a Haunch of Mutton, and divers made Dishes; and then Tarts and Custards and Grouse; and lastly, a Dessert, and I did partake of all, as much as I had a Mind to, and after Dinner drank Port and Claret, when much Joking and rare Stories, and very merry we were. Pretty to look out of Window as we sat, at the Craft and the White Sails in the Sunset on the River. Back in a Railway Carriage, shouting and singing, and in a Cab Home, where DR. SHARPE called to see my Wife for her Vapours. Pretty Discourse with him touching the Epidemic, he telling me that of all Things to bring it on the likeliest was Excess in Food and Drink, which did trouble me, and so with a Draught of Soda and a Dose of Pills to Bed.

This Day to Richmond, to go a Fishing on the River, and with me MR. ITCHENBROOKE, out of Hampshire, a cunning Angler, who did mightily desire to see what this Sport should be. So first we out in a Boat below Richmond Bridge, where a Dozen or more of Punts full of People a Fishing, and rowed among them to observe the Manner of doing it, which is sinking with a Gentle, sitting upon Chairs, and smoking Cigars and Pipes of Tobacco, and drinking cold Brandy and Water. We did note one young Spark lying at full Length, in a Punt's End, asleep, and did conclude he had had enough of the Fishing, or else of the Grog. Some very silent, and bent on their Sport, but others bandying Fun and Jokes, and shouting for Joy and Merriment whenever they caught a Fish, which MR. ITCHENBROOKE do say is not the Wont of a Sportsman. Among the Fishers I did note with Wonder one or two Damsels; but MR. WAGSTAFFE do say it is a common Thing for Ladies to fish for Gudgeons. Several of them also quite old Men; but seeming as much taken up with their Fishing as Schoolboys, though catching Nothing but little Fish not a Span long. So, satisfied with looking at the Sportsmen, we to try the Quality of the Sport ourselves, and did hire a Punt, and Fishing Tackle, and a Man to guide the Punt, and bait our Hooks, and did take on board a Stone-Bottle of Half-and-Half Beer, to follow the Fashion. Pretty, to see our Man sound the Depth of the River with a Plumb, to resolve whereabouts on our Lines to place the Float, and glad to have him to put the Bait on, being Gentles, which I was loath to touch. Our Hooks no sooner dropped into the Water than MR. ITCHENBROOKE did pull up a Fish about the Bigness of a Sprat, though, but for the Punt-Man, he would have thrown it in again, saying that he never heard of keeping any Fish under Half-a-Pound, and that while such small Fry were killed there would be no good Fish in the River. But Lack! to see how my Float did bob up and down, and I jerk at my Line, but generally bring up a Weed. Did marvel at the Punt-Man flinging Lumps of Earth and Meal into the Water to entice the Fish, which methought would either have driven them away or surfeited them, but did not, and the Trick did much divert MR. ITCHENBROOKE. We did catch Roach and Dace to the Number of fifteen, which my Companion did call seven Brace-and-a-Half; and I caught the Half: I mean the Half Brace. Our Fishing did last two Hours, cost 3s., and 6d. besides for the Beer, but we had much mirth for our Time and Money, though little Fish, and yet more Fish than some our Man did show us, saying they had been at it all the Day. So to Dinner at the Star and Garter, where a most brave Dinner and excellent Wine, and pretty Discourse with MR. ITCHENBROOKE of true Sport in Fishing and the Art of Whipping for Trout with an Imitation Fly, made out of coloured Silk Thread and Birds' Feathers. Our Dinner ended, cost me £1, 9s. 0d., went and bought 6d. worth of Maids of Honour at the Pastrycook's, and did take them Home to my Wife.

With my Wife this Day to Westminster, and walking thereabouts in Regent-Street and Oxford-Street, and the principal Streets, though contrary to my Resolution to walk with her only in the Fields, but did it to please her, and keep her in good Humour, but in mighty Fear of what it might cost me, trembling to observe her continually looking askance at the Shop-Windows. But I cannot wonder that they did catch her Eye; particularly the Haberdashers, and Drapers, and Mercers, whereof many were full of Bills, stuck in all Manner of Ways across the Panes, and printed in Letters of from two Inches to a Span long, and staring Dashes of Admiration two and three together. In one Window posted a "Tremendous Sacrifice!" in another an "Alarming Failure!!" in a third a "Ruinous Bankruptcy!!!", by reason whereof, the Goods within were a-selling off at 50, 60, or 70 per Cent. under prime Cost, but at any Rate the Owners must raise Money. Good Lack! to think of the dreadful Pass the Drapery Trade must have come to; so many Master-Mercers and Haberdashers on the Threshold of the Prison or the Workhouse, and their Wives and Families becoming Paupers on the Parish, or Beggars, and their People out of Employ starving; if their notices do tell true. But my Wife did say, very serious, that we were not to judge, or to know of their Tricks and Cozenage, and, that it was no Matter to us if they did cheat their Creditors, provided we could buy their Wares at a Bargain, and besides, if we did not, others would. So going by RAGGE, RIP & CO., their Establishment, as they do call their Shop, she would needs stop in Front of it to look in; which did trouble me. I to read the Posters in the Window, which were the worst and most pitiful of any, and by their showing MR. RAGGE and MR. RIP, and their CO. were going altogether to the Dogs. My Wife did presently, as I expected, find somewhat she had a Mind to: a Muslin she did say was Dirt-cheap, and I knew was Dirt-worth. I plainly refused to let her buy it, or anything else at RAGGE and RIP'S, who have been, to my knowledge, making a Tremendous Sacrifice any Time the last two Years; but the Simpletons their Customers the only Victims. But I pity not a Whit such Gudgeons as are caught by these Tricks of the Drapery Trade; rightly served by being cheated in seeking to profit, as they think, by Fraud and dishonest Bankruptcy. I told my Wife that RAGGE and RIP do sell off at a Loss to none but those that deal with them, and were like at that Moment, instead of being Bankrupts, to be making merry at the Expense of their Dupes. But she being sullen at my Denial of her Muslin, I did quiet her by the Promise of a better Piece at FAIRCLOTH and PRYCE'S, who do carry on Business without rogueish Puffery, and after the old Fashion of English Traders, according to the Maxim, that "Good Wine needs no Bush," which my Wife, poor silly Wretch, not understanding, I explained to her did mean, that stuffs worth the buying, to find a Sale, do stand in no need of Haberdashers' trickish Advertisements.