Chapter 11

Then he went on with evident constraint to tell me that the rest of the letter said that while she was working on Friday a "Mademoiselle la Blonde" called, and insisted upon passing Pierre who answered the door--and coming in to her--("It was Mam'zelle of course, Sir Nicholas!" Burton snapped!) And that she had demanded my address--but Miss Sharp had not felt she was justified in giving it to her--but had said letters would be forwarded--.

"I hope to goodness that the baggage made no scene with the young lady, Sir Nicholas," Burton growled--"Of course she don't say in the letter--but it's more than likely--I would not have her insulted for the world."

"Nor I either," I retorted angrily--"Suzette ought to know better now that I have given her everything she wanted--Will you let her understand please that this must not occur again--."

"I'll see that the lawyer does it, Sir--that is the only way to deal with them persons--though Mam'zelle was the best of her sort. Seems to me Sir Nicholas, they are more bother than they are worth. I said it always, even when I was younger--They leave their trail of trouble where ever they go."

How I agreed with him!

So here was a fresh barrier arisen between Alathea and myself!--a fresh barrier which I cannot explain away. The only comfort I get out of the whole thing is that imperative necessity must have been driving my little darling--or she would not put up with any of these things for a moment, and would have given her _demission_ at the same time as she wrote.

If money is so necessary to her--perhaps after all I could get her consent to marry me--The very thought made my pulses bound again--and all my calm flew to the winds! All the sage reasoning which was beginning to have an effect upon me evaporated!--I knew that once more I was as utterly under the spell of her attraction, as the moment when my passionate lips touched her soft reluctant ones--Ah! that thought! that memory--One I have never let myself indulge in--but now, all resistance broken on every side,--I spent the rest of the day dreaming about the joy of that kiss--until by night time I was as mad as a hatter, and more full of cruel unrest than ever--.

I hate this place--I hate the sea--It is all of no use--I shall go back to Paris.

XVI

The first thing I learned when I reached the _appartement_ was that the Duchesse had returned, and wished to see me. This was good news--and without even telephoning to Maurice, I got into my one horse Victoria and repaired to the Hotel de Courville--.

The Duchesse was sitting in her boudoir upstairs when I got in.--She had a quaint expression upon her face. I was not certain that her greeting was as cordial as usual--Has gossip reached her ears also?

I sat down near her and she took my crutch from me tenderly, her instinct for "_blessés_" never failing her.

I thought I would begin at once before she could say anything which might make questioning her impossible.

"I have been longing to see you, Duchesse, to ask you if you could help me to find out who my secretary, Miss Sharp, is?--because I saw her here in the passage one day, and I thought you might possibly be able to identify her--."

"_Tiens?_"

"Her christian name is 'Alathea'--I heard her little sister call her that once when I saw them and they did not see me, in the _Bois_--She is a lady--and I feel Sharp is not her name at all."

The Duchesse put on her eyeglasses--.

"She has not shown a sign that she wishes you to know her history?"

"No--"

"Then, my son, do you think it is very good taste to endeavor to discover it?"

"Perhaps not--" I was nettled--I hated that the Duchesse should be displeased with me, then I went on--"I fear that she is very poor and I know that her little brother died just lately, and I would give anything in the world to help them in some way."

"Sometimes one helps more by showing discretion."

"You won't assist me then, Duchesse? I _feel_ that you know Miss Sharp."

She frowned--.

"Nicholas--if I did not love you really, I should be angry.--Am I the character to betray friends--presuming that I have friends--for a young man's curiosity?"

"Indeed it is not curiosity--it is because I want to help--."

"Camouflage!"

I felt angry now.

"You assume that your secretary is a _demoiselle du monde_"--she went on--"if you have reached that far--you should know that there is some honor, some _tenue_ left in old families,--and so you should treat her with consideration, and respect her incognito.--All this is not like you, my son!"

The Duchesse had dropped the "thee and thou"--it hurt me.

"I want to treat her with every respect--" I reiterated.

"Then believe me it is unnecessary for you to know her name--I am not altogether pleased with you, Nicholas."

"Dear Duchesse! that grieves me--I wish I could explain--I have only wanted to be kind--and I don't even know her address and could not send flowers when her brother died."

"They did not want flowers, perhaps--Take my advice--of the best I can give--Pay your secretary her wages--as high ones as she will accept--and then treat her as if she were fifty years old--and wore glasses!"

"She does wear glasses--abominable yellow horn rimmed spectacles!" I announced excitedly.--"Have you never seen them?"

The Duchesse's eyes flashed--.

"I have not said I ever met Miss Sharp, Nicholas--"

I knew the affair was now hopeless--and that I would only risk the real displeasure of my dear old friend if I continued in this way. So I subsided.--I had some instinct too that I would not receive sympathy even if I owned that my intentions were strictly honourable.

"I will say no more--except that should you know these people _cherè Duchesse_--and you ever discover that I could help them in any way--that you will call upon me to any extent."

She looked at me very searchingly and said laconically.

"_Bien._"

Then we talked of other things, and I tried to reingratiate myself--The war was going better--Foch would wish to push his advantage. Things must have some end--in the near future.--When was I going to England?--All these subjects we discussed.

"When I am out of the hands of these doctors and have my new leg and eye--I will return, and then, I want to go into Parliament."

The Duchesse warmed up at once.--That was just the thing for me to do--that and to marry some nice girl of my own world, of which there must be an embarrassment of choice--with all the men killed in my country!

"I would want such an exceptional woman, Duchesse!"

"Do not look for the moon, my son--Be thankful if she has been sufficiently well brought up to have a decent conduct--the manners of the young girls now revolt me.--I try to go with the times----but these new fashions are disgusting."

"Do you think a woman ought to be perfectly innocent and ignorant of life to make the marriage happy--" I asked.

"The insides of the minds of young girls one is never sure of, but the _tenue_ should be correct at all costs, so that they may have something to uphold them as well as religion--which is no longer so surrounding as it used to be."

"Duchesse, I want someone who would love me passionately, and whom I could passionately love."

"For that, my poor boy--" and she sighed--"it is not found among young girls--these things come after one knows, and can discriminate--put them aside from your thoughts--they are temptations which one resists if one can, and at all events makes no scandals about.--Love! _Mon Dieu_, it is the song of the poets, it cannot happen in the world--with satisfaction--It must be a pain always--Do your duty to your race, and your class--and try not to mix up sentiment with it!"

"There is no hope of my finding someone I could really love, then?"

"I do not know--in your own country it may be--here it is the wife of someone else who holds the charm--and if it were not for _tenue_ society could not exist.

"All that one must ask of the young is that they act with discretion, so that they can reach the autumn of life without scandals against their names--If the _Bon Dieu_ adds love--then they have been indeed fortunate."

"But Duchesse--with your great heart--have you never loved--?"

Her eyes seemed to grow beautiful and young again--they diffused a fire--.

"Loved--Nicholas--! All women love once in their lives--happy for them if it has not burnt their souls in its passage--Happy if the _Bon Dieu_ has let it merge into love for humanity--" And soft tears dimmed the dark blue brilliancy.

I leaned forward and kissed her hand with deep devotion--then the ancient servitor came in and she was called to a ward--but I left feeling that if there is really some barrier of family between Alathea and me--there would be no use in my appealing to the Duchesse--Sorrows she understands--and war and suffering--and self-sacrifice--Love she understands and passion--and all that appertains thereto--but all these things go to the wall before the conception of the meaning of _noblesse oblige_ which ruled when Adelaide de Mont Orgeuil--wedded the Duc de Courville-Hautevine, in the eighties! The only thing left now was to telephone to Maurice--.

He came in for a few minutes just before dinner--.

He has questioned Alwood Chester of the American Red Cross, who had told him that Miss Sharp had been Miss Sharp always while she worked for them, and that no one knew anything further about her.

Well!--if her father is a convict, and her mother--in a mad house, and her sister consumptive--I still want her for herself--.

Is that true--Could I face disease and insanity coming into my family--?

I don't know--All I know is that I do not believe whatever curse hangs over the rest it has touched her--She is the picture of health and balance and truth--Her every action is noble--and I love her--I love her--there!

Next day she came in at ten as usual--She brought all the chapters annotated--. As her attitude towards me had been as cold as it was possible for an attitude to be, I cannot say that there was any added shade of contempt since her interview with Suzette--What had passed between them perhaps Burton will be able gradually to discover--.

I controlled myself, and behaved with a businesslike reserve--She had nothing to snub me for, or to disturb her--She took the papers at twelve o'clock--and I sighed as she left the room--I had watched her furtively for nearly two hours--Her face was a mask--And she might indeed really have been concentrating upon the work in hand. Her hands are whitening considerably--. I believe their redness had something to do with her little brother, perhaps she put very hot things on his chest.--I have never seen such a white skin--it shows like mother of pearl against the cheap black frock--The line of the throat is like my fascinating Nymph with the shell--indeed the mouth is not unlike her's also. I wonder if she has dimp--but I had better not think of those things--!

I am now determined to ask her to marry me on the first occasion I can screw up my courage sufficiently. I have decided what I am going to say. I am going to be quite matter of fact--I shan't tell her that I love her even--I feel if I can secure her first I shall have a better chance afterwards. If she thought I loved her, her nature is of that honest kind that she might think it was dishonorable to make so uneven a bargain with me--but if she just thinks I want her for my secretary and to play to me--and even perhaps that there is some brute part which she despises mixed up in my feeling for her--and which I would promise to keep in check--she may feel that it is fair for her to take my name, and my money, and give me nothing in return.

After lunch, which we did not have together, George Harcourt came in, and diverted me until four o'clock.

After we had discussed the war news for a long time he began as usual about Violetta--.

She was perfection!--She had fulfilled all he had ever asked of a woman--but--or rather in consequence of this--she had begun to bore him, while a new vixen with no heart and the brain of a rabbit--now drew him strangely!

"And what are you going to do about it, my dear George?"

"Deceive her of course, Nicholas. It is a painful necessity that my kind heart forces me to perpetrate."

He was smoking contemplatively.

I laughed--.

"You see, dear boy--one can't be brutal with the little darlings, so that is the only course open to one, for their limited reasoning power does not enable them to grasp that it is not one's fault at all when one ceases to care--the trouble lies with their own weakening attraction.--So one has to go on bluffing until they themselves weary, or find out inadvertently that one's affection has been transferred!"

"Don't you think there are some to whom you could tell the truth?"

"I have not met any--if they do exist."

"If I were a woman it would insult me far more for a man to think I was so stupid that he could deceive me, than if he said frankly he no longer cared."

"Probably--but then women don't reason in that way--you might prove by every law of logic that it was because they themselves had disillusioned you, and that you had no control over the coming or going of your emotion--but at the end of your peroration they would still reproach you for being a fickle brute, and believe themselves blameless, and sinned against!"

"It is all very difficult!"--I sighed unconsciously--.

--"Are you in some mess, my son?" George asked concernedly.--"In your case with Suzette, money can always smooth things--she has perhaps been annoying?"

"I have entirely finished with Suzette--George, how a man pays for all his follies--Have you, with all your affairs, ever got off scot free?"

George leaned back in his chair--his well cut face which expresses as a rule a rather kindly whimsical cynicism grew stern--and his very voice altered.

"Nicholas--one has to pay one's shot every time--A man pays in money, or in jewels or in disgrace, or in regret and remorse--and he has to calculate beforehand to what extent that which he desires is worth the price which will become due--It is a brainless idiot who does not calculate, or who laments when he has to stump up. I admit women are of supreme interest to me, and their companionship and affection--bought or otherwise--are necessary to my existence--So I resignedly discharged my debt every time."

"How will you pay it then about Violetta whom you say is an angel, and blameless?"

"I shall have some disgusting moments of discomfort and remorse--and feel a moral Bluebeard--I shan't go scot free--."

"And she--? That won't help her."

"She will pay in tears for having been weak enough to love me--she will feel the consolation of martyrdom--and soon forget me."

"And you don't think one incurs some kind of hoodoo--in indulging in these things--I am thinking of Suzette--her shadow--almost one would say projected by fate, is what is causing me trouble now, not any deliberate action she is committing against me."

"Part of the price, my boy! You can't steal anything, or do anything against the law, be it of man or of morals or of the spirit--that you don't have to pay for it--and there is no use in haggling beforehand or in squealing after. The thing is to learn early enough in life what is worth while and what you really want, before you lay up for yourself limitations."

"That is true--."

"Now let us analyse what gains and losses you have had in the Suzette business. Let us take the gains first--You had a jolly little companion during some months of pain and weariness--She helped you over a difficult moment--You were not leading her astray. To be the friend of war-heroes was her _métier_--you paid her highly in solid cash--You are under no obligation to her--. But the law has decreed that man must have no illicit relations, so the force of that current, or belief, or whatever it is, makes you pay some price for having broken the law--Accept it and get through with it--And if the price has been too heavy decide not to incur such debts again. The whole bother occurs because you don't look ahead, my boy! There was a case when I was a youngster and just joined my Battalion of Guards which will illustrate what I mean, of Bobby Bulteel, Hartelford's brother.--He cheated at cards--He was a kind of cousin of my mother's so the family felt the scandal awfully--He was kicked out of course, and utterly broke, and Lady Hilda Marchant ran off with him, and left her husband. She adored the fellow who had every charm--Well that was not worth while--The odds are too heavy for anyone ever to have the ghost of a chance to pull cheating off. He was simply a fool, you see. Take chances, but never when the scales have gone beyond the angle of forty-five degrees!"--Then having finished his cigar George rose in the best of tempers--.

"You may take it from me Nicholas--it sounds old fashioned--but to behave like a gentleman and always be ready to discharge your obligations, are the best rules for life.----Ta ta, dear boy--Shall look in on you soon again--" and he went!

Of course his logic is unanswerable--So I had better accept the shadow of Suzette falling upon my relation with Alathea, and try to gain my end in spite of it--And what is my very end?

Not of course that I shall spend the rest of my life as Alathea's husband-in-name-only, hungry and longing and miserable--but that after securing her certain companionship I shall overcome her prejudices, conquer her aversion, and make her love me.--But to have the chance to do all this it is absolutely necessary that I shall be near her always--So my idea of marriage is not so far-fetched after all!

And if she will accept me, someday, upon _any terms_--provided they do not mean separation--I shall believe that half the battle is won--I feel more cheerful already!--How sound reasoning does one good, even if it is as baldly brutal as George's!

XVII

Burton gave forth some information this evening, as he was dressing me for dinner. He had now discovered from Pierre how Suzette had behaved when she intruded upon Alathea. She had entered the room--"Passing Pierre without so much as asking his leave, and he with his wooden leg not so nimble as might be!" She had gone to the writing table and demanded my address. "An affair of business which must be attended to at once," she had announced. Pierre standing at the door had heard all this. Burton added "He said that Mam'zelle was that scented and that got up, of course Miss Sharp must have known what she was."

Alathea apparently had answered with dignity, that she had received no orders to give any address, but that letters would be forwarded.

"She took no more notice of Mam'zelle than if she was a chair," Pierre had told him--who, having his own troubles with women, was prepared to see a conflict! Suzette became nonplussed, and losing her temper a little told Alathea that she hoped she would get as much out of the situation as she herself had done! Alathea continued writing as though she had not heard, and then told her quite politely in French, that if she would kindly leave whatever letters were to be sent on, she would see that they went that night, and had added:

"Now, I need not detain you longer." Suzette became furious, and stamping, said she was "Mademoiselle la Blonde," and had more right there than Alathea!

Pierre had here interfered, and catching hold of Suzette's arm, had dragged her from the room.

I tingled with shame and wrath. That the person I respect most in the world should have been exposed to such a scene--! Burton too was horrified--.

I had the most awful sensation of discomfort--the very fact of having to hear of all this through servants was sufficiently disgusting, without the events themselves being so degrading.

What must Alathea think of me! And I cannot even allude to the subject. How wonderful her dignity has been that she has allowed no extra contempt to come into her manner.

How shall I have the pluck to ask her to marry me? I mean to do so to-morrow when she comes.

* * * * *

_Saturday:_

I am going to write the events of these last days down without any comment.

I came in to the sitting-room after Alathea had arrived. She was writing at her desk in the little salon. I looked in and asked her if she would come in and speak to me. Then I got to my chair. She entered obediently with the block in her hand, ready to begin work.

"Will you sit down, please," I said, indicating a chair, where she would face me and the light, so that no shade of her expression should be lost upon me. (I shall become quite an expert in reading mouths. I am obliged to study hers so closely!)

I felt less nervous than I have ever felt when with her. I thought there was the faintest shade of alertness in her manner.

"I am going to say something which will surprise you very much, Miss Sharp," I began.

She raised her head a little.

"I will put the case to you quite baldly--I am very rich as you know--I am still horrid to look at--I am lonely and I want a companion who would play the piano to me, and who would help me to write books, and who would travel with me. I cannot have any of these simple things because of the scandal people would make--so there is only one course open to me--that is to go through the marriage ceremony--Miss Sharp--under those terms will you marry me?"

Her attitude had become tense--her face did not flush, it became very pale. She remained perfectly silent for a moment. I felt just the same as I used to do before going over the top--a queer kind of excitement--a wonder if I'd come through or not.

As she did not answer I went on. "I would not expect anything from you except a certain amount of your company. There would not be any question of living with me as a wife--I would promise even to keep in check that side which you once saw and which I was so sorry about. I would settle lots of money on you, and give anything to your family you might wish. I would not bother you, you would be quite free--only I would like you to take interest in my work in a way--and to play to me--even if you would not talk to me."

My voice broke a little at the end of this; I was conscious of it, and of how weak it was of me. Her hands clasped together suddenly--and she appeared as though she was going to speak, then remained silent.

"Won't you answer me at all?" I pleaded.

"It is such a strange proposal--I would wish to refuse it at once----"

"It is quite bald, I know," I interrupted quickly. "I want to buy you--that is all--you can name the price. I know if you consented it would merely be for the same reason which makes you work. I presume it is for your family, not for yourself; therefore, I am counting upon that to influence you. Whatever you would want for your family I should be delighted to give you."

She twisted her locked hands--the first sign of real emotion I have seen in her.

"You would marry me--without knowing anything about me? It is very strange--."

"Yes. I think you are extremely intelligent--if you would consent to talk to me sometimes. I want to go into Parliament--when I am patched up and more decent looking, and I believe you would be of the greatest help to me."

"You mean the whole thing simply as a business arrangement?"

"I have already stated that."

She started to her feet.