SCENE II.

COQUETTINA’S COTTAGE.

_COQUETTINA discovered looking at herself in a glass on L. wall. Arm chair with cover on, R. Cupboard, R. Door, L. Barrel against wall, L. Table with cover, C., candle burning on table._

COQ. There, that will do, that’s quite enough my dear. Oh, Coquettina, you’re a flirt, I fear. You naughty, naughty girl to act this way. Ah! you’ll be very sorry, Miss, some day.

(_Comes down._)

I’m sure it’s not my fault. What can one do? I dote on officers, and I’ve now got two. The Captain’s not amiss; a handsome face! And such a uniform! Oh, I love gold lace. His pay’s so small—it’s not a bit of use. But then the General’s such a dear—old goose. He’s rather short and fat, and slightly lazy, His conversation’s small; style, lackadaisy. Still, who for _general_ conversation cares? Ah, stay, I hear him puffing up the stairs.

(_Seats herself hurriedly in chair, L., at back, and pretends to be asleep. Rap heard at door, L., repeated twice. GENERAL BOUNCE puts his head carefully into room_.)

G. B. What, not at home! (_Comes down._) These parlours in the sky Are much like houses in Soho, _so high_. I’m out of breath, and she’s out too, it’s clear, I’ve had my climb for nothing. (_Sees COQUETTINA._) (_Approaching her_) Ah, she’s here! My dainty duck! my lamb, my tender chicken! The cherries on those lips are worth the pickin’. I must take one, though she may fume and flounce, She’ll not object as Mrs. General Bounce.

(_is about to kiss her, she starts up._)

COQ. Ah, General! It’s you?

G. B. (_confused_) I’m looking for—

COQ. your _gout_? A _taste_ of something good and nice, Ah, _stout?_ I see it’s _up_, (_Looking at him meaningly._) You’d better take it down,

(_Points to door._)

GEN. B. Now what a tease you are! Come, do not frown. Don’t, Coquettina, of my love make light. You leant upon my arm quite hard last night. Say you’ll be mine, come, Coquettina, do! I am a single man.

COQ. You’re big enough for two. I’ve only one objection.

GEN. B. What is that? Pray _lean_ on me for life.

COQ. _Lean!_ why, you’re _fat_!

GEN. B. Call me not lean, but say I’m buxom, plump. I am no scare-crow, made to run and jump. To tell the _truth_, I like to take my ease, I’m not a _skipper_ with a load of (_f_) “_lees_.” Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt To less than sixty inches round the belt!

COQ. You can’t help that, _’tis you_.

GEN. B. Well then, suppose My _tissue is_ inclined to _adipose_. You couldn’t _add a pose_ with all that tissue. ’Twould be a _poser_ if I were to kiss you.

COQ. Why what’s _possest_ the man? I’d like to see you!

GEN. B. Well, so you shall. Here goes! (_He attempts to chase her around stage, she easily eludes him. Knock heard at door._)

COQ. Oh, dear, oh, dear! Mamma’s come back! Quick, General, get in here.

(_pushes him into cupboard, R. Business, he not liking to go in. Rap again._)

Meet me beneath the haunted tree to-morrow.

GEN. B. Adieu!

COQ. Pray go!

GEN. B. This parting’s such sweet sorrow.

(_He goes into cupboard, crush of broken glass heard. He puts his head out again._)

I’ve sat upon your glasses!

COQ. Take it easy. My ab_sence_ won’t be long.

GEN. B. (_Sniffs about cupboard._) Your _scents_ are cheesy.

(_Exit into cupboard. She runs to door and opens it. Enter CAPT. POUNCE. She curtseys, and looks down demurely. He comes front, twirling his moustache._)

CAPT. P. So this is where you live, child, is it, weally? You’re up amongst the clouds here.

COQ. Yes, Sir, nearly.

CAPT. P. (_Gallantly_) For such a chewub quite a pwoper place. (_Aside._) Upon my word, a vewy pwetty face!

(_Looks out of window at R._)

And what a view! All twees and sheep in flocks, And wolling waves awound those wugged wocks.

(_She is standing by him as he speaks the last words. He puts arm round her waist._)

COQ. _That’s_ not a “wugged wock.” Don’t let it trouble you, But have you such a thing as a spare W?

CAPT. T. Oh, weally, pon my life, you’re vewy pwetty.

COQ. I thank you kindly, Sir.

CAPT. P. And weally witty. Yes. If I’d got some place to which to cawwy you, Upon my word I’d weally like to mawwy you.

COQ. (_Aside_) The darling! He’s a man a girl can love.

CAPT. T. (_Looking on ground._) I fear I’ve lost it now.

COQ. Your heart?

CAPT. P. My glove.

(_Loud sneezing from cupboard._)

What’s that?

COQ. The ginger beer has burst a bottle.

CAPT. P. It sounded vewy like a human thwottle!

(_Rap heard at door._)

COQ. Ah, here’s mamma! quick, hide in this, now, see!

(_Puts him into barrel. Business._)

To-morrow meet me by the haunted tree.

(_Throws cloth over top of barrel._)

I’ll have such fun to-morrow for an hour.

CAPT. P. (_Rising._) Look here, I say, this bawwel’s full of flour!

(_She runs to him, forces him back and puts coverlet on again. Rap again. She goes to door and opens it._)

(_Enter ROOSTER THE AUDACIOUS, a big bundle of papers tied with red tape, under his arm._)

ROOS. Miss Coquettina, is your Ma’ within?

(_Pulls out enormous watch from fob pocket._)

I’ve twenty minutes left to woo and win.

COQ. To woo and win! Upon my word that’s funny!

ROOSTER. Business is business, Miss, and time is money. All night I sat up on affairs of State. I had to shave the King at half-past eight. At nine to black his boots and brush his hair. By ten, as President, I took the chair Of the Society for Reforming Cats— R. S. R. C. At twelve I sat on “Hats.”

COQ. Hats!

ROOS. Yes, and hatters, ’twas a much _felt_ question. At one I had some lunch, and—indigestion. At two I had to meet a deputation— “Was it, or was it not, good for the nation That folks should be allowed beef with their mustard,” It was a serious matter.

COQ. Were you flustered?

ROOS. Oh, not at all, I said—If they could get it. At two ’twas going on.

COQ. So’s time.

ROOS. Well, let it! Till eight—three meetings; a foundation stone. Then dressed the King for dinner; had my own. Came here to pop the question—Will you wed? I must get back to put the King to bed. Say yes or no.

COQ. You’d better ask mamma.

(_Rap at door._)

Not now! Some other time!

ROOS. Yes! Now!

COQ. No!

ROOS. Bah!

COQ. She may be angry. Get beneath the table. Please. To oblige me. (_loud rap._)

ROOS. Well, if I am able. (_Gets under table._) I must confess I feel how ill you treat me.

COQ. To-morrow, by the haunted tree you’ll meet me.

(_Goes to door and open it. Enter G. KING. She curtseys. He chucks her under chin._)

GNOME KING. Well, lass, your pretty face I’ve long been missing. You’ve got a kiss I hope—

COQ. (_Coquettishly._) It’s always kissing. Just like a man! He always _misses_ kisses.

G. KING. It’s very hard a man can’t kiss his _misses_. I’ll have your little head chopped off, Miss! Pray Don’t make me angry! One! two! three! Away!

COQ. Well, if you must, you must then; Take it, There!

(_She turns back of head to him as he is about to kiss her._)

What did it taste of _eh_ Sir?

G. KING. _Hay?_ No! _Hare!_

COQ. Of course! It’s all my own.

G. KING. Oh, _game_ you’re making!

COQ. Oh, not at all, Sir, _I_ don’t go _hay raking_.

G. KING. A kiss I’ll have!

(_Runs after her, catches her, and is going to kiss her, when loud rap is heard at door._)

COQ. Mamma!

G. KING. I’d like to choke her.

COQ. Dear me! She’s awful with the kitchen poker! You’d better hide, Sir.

G. KING. Where? (_Runs to cupboard._)

COQ. No, no! (_he runs towards barrel._) Not there! (_He runs to table._) I have it! Here! pretend to be a chair.

(_She takes cover off chair and puts it over him with arms extended so that he looks like a chair._)

There! Now you’re safe, you need’nt now be daunted. Meet me to-morrow by the tree that’s haunted.

(_Goes to door, opens it and looks out._)

What! no one here? how strange! who can it be? Perhaps I’d better go outside and see.

(_Goes outside. The “FAIRY OF THE FOREST” steps in and closes door._)

FAIRY. Ah, Coquettina! oh, you naughty child! In spite of all I’ve said, you _will_ be wild. All right, Miss, I have such a rod in pickle! But first these gentlemen in here I’ll tickle.

(_Blows out candle. Stage darkens. She goes to cupboard and raps gently, then to barrel, then to table, then to chair, and steps to back of stage. All four come out and grope in the dark, avoiding each other. They speak in whispers._)

GEN. B. Here, Coquettina!

CAPT. T. Deawest!

ROOSTER. Where are you?

KING. Come to my arms, my Coquettina, do!

(_They all get into a circle in front of stage, each holding a hand of the other. The fairy laughs, claps her hands, and fairies enter with lanterns hung at the end of their wands. Stage lights up. Quick curtain._)