SCENE I.

_Cavern on the Sea Coast by Moonlight.—Opening in Rocks at Back, showing Sea.—The Waves are Rising and Running into Mouth of Cavern.—Introductory Music Descriptive of Storm; Thunder Heard Behind.—Music Gradually Changes to Soft Measured Air as Curtain Rises.—Prince Doodle Discovered Lying on Rocks at Back. R. C. as though Cast up by the Waves.—Enter through Opening Mona.—She Comes Down, Combing Her Hair with a Golden Comb through the following_:—

MONA. Why, what a dreadful stormy night we’re getting, It’s well for me I do not mind a wetting! Full fathom five below those crested waves No tempests ever stir _our_ coral caves. We hear no thunder far below the sea; The mermaids’ haunt is still as still can be; In fact it’s rather dull sometimes down there, And so I come up here and comb my hair.

(_Moves towards back._)

To-night, alas! another ship went down, I cannot bear to see poor sailors drown.

(_Sees PRINCE DOODLE._)

Good gracious! What is this? As I am alive, Why, it’s a man! I know it is!

(_Steps hurriedly on rock as though going to plunge into sea._)

I’ll dive! I won’t! (_comes down_) I will! (_goes up_) No! (_Hesitates._) Shall I? Will it bite? It’s not a shark? (_Goes up and peeps, comes back holding hand to heart._) It’s put me in a fright. Mona! you silly goose! This palpitation Is strange perhaps, but not a bad sensation. I rather like it. Is it fear? No question! I’m not afraid! Perhaps it’s indigestion? I’ll take another peep.

(_Goes to PRINCE on tip_toe, and comes away rapidly, clapping her hands._)

He’s charming, really! If I could take him home I’d like to dearly. How nice he’d be to play with! Shall I try? He’s fast asleep! I’m sure he wouldn’t die.

(_Tries to raise him. He groans._)

His clothes are wet, perhaps he’s shipwrecked, too.

(_PRINCE slowly sits up holding his hand to his side._)

Good evening, sir. (_Curtesying._)

PRINCE DOODLE. Good evening. How d’ye do?

(_Rises with difficulty and comes forward._)

Where am I? Who are you? What’s this? (_Feels water._) It’s water!

MONA. This is the Norway coast, and I’m its daughter. Young sir, you’re wet! your coat—— Might be a better ’un. I’m _young_; but still you won’t find here a _wetter_ ’un.

MONA. Tell me your tale, for stories I love well.

PRINCE DOODLE. Story; why bless you! I have none to tell; Only last night, a-sailing on the ocean, There came a squall, at least so I’ve a notion. It stormed! it blew! it rained! the lightning crashed! We pitched and rolled, (_imitates motion of ship_) and tossed, the thunder flashed; The wind, it rose and howled, and so did we.

MONA. That’s very queer!

PRINCE DOODLE. Things often are at sea. “Cut down the starboard stays’l!” cried I. Then “Splice the jib-boom, there, to the cross-trees, men!”

(_Speaks excitedly, suiting action to words, and using hands as speaking trumpet_,)

“Stand by to hoist the to’gallant sheet anchor! Take a pull on the weather lee scuppers, my hearties! Let the mizzen binnacle go with a run!”

MONA. (_Clapping her hands with delight._) I like to hear you talk. Go on! What fun!

PRINCE DOODLE. (_Disgusted at interruption._) That’s all.

MONA. (_Disappointed._) That’s not the end?

PRINCE DOODLE. ’Twon’t take a minuit. The ship she gave a lurch; and—left us in it. Then to a hen coop clung the crew of forty-five;

MONA. They’re drowned? (_clasping her hands in horror._)

PRINCE DOODLE. Oh, not at all; they’re all alive. They flew away.

MONA. What, men!

PRINCE DOODLE. No; geese, my dear! I’m rather mixed. Perhaps my head is queer. Listen, and I’ll a tale unfold to harrow——

MONA. (_Shrinking back_) Ah! Don’t!

PRINCE DOODLE. A tale to fr-r-r-r-eeze——

MONA. Oh, dear!

PRINCE DOODLE. Your marrow!

PRINCE DOODLE. (_Loud chord, and tremulo music through the following._) I have an uncle!

MONA. Not uncommon, surely.

PRINCE DOODLE. Some years ago, my poor papa, felt poorly; Took to his bed, and—died—they say most queerly. My uncle deals in magic? See you?

MONA. Clearly!

PRINCE DOODLE. My parent gone, th’ apparent heir was I! To gain the throne he wished that I should die. And then, because I couldn’t see why he, Instead of I, the nation’s king should be; He shipped me off, alone, to go to _see_, Alone I said! not so! off was I cast With four and forty geese before the mast! His parting words were these:—“Return, my dear, (Of course the whole thing was a jibe and sneer) When’ere a mermaid’s heart you hold in hand, And four and forty men before me stand, In place of all these geese I send as crew. ’Till then—‘O reservoir!’ my boy! adieu!”

MONA. Oh! what a dreadful man!

PRINCE DOODLE. He seized my brother; And swore we ne’er again should see each other Until this mermaid I should meet, so kind, And then a mountain full of diamonds find. The thing is absurd! There are no mermaids here, My uncle has the thro_wn_; I’m _pitched out_ clear!

MONA. The diamond mountain of the Gnome King, see

(_Points off L._)

It’s full of diamonds: full as full can be.

PRINCE DOODLE. What’s that you say? That mountain! It’s all rock. Diamonds inside! Oh, come! you only mock! I’d like to see my brother—

MONA. What’s your name?

PRINCE DOODLE. Oh! I’m a Prince, Prince Doodle.

MONA. What a shame!

PRINCE DOODLE. My kingdom’s in Cockagne, you must have heard Of Cock-a-doodle-do. (_She shakes head._) That noble bird Was a remote progenitor. Indeed, Our pedigree, by Darwin, you can read.

MONA. I never learnt to read. Stay! (_puts fingers to forehead_) on me dawns, A notion (_triumphantly_) that’s where people live “_en Prince?_” (_pronounce “on prawns.”_)

PRINCE DOODLE. (_Aside._) _A notion_ fishy! (_Aloud._) No, my dear, on _shrimps_! Your friends?—They’re?——

MONA. Mermaids.

PRINCE DOODLE. _water-“nimps?”_ Why _w(h)at a—(looks towards her feet) tail_? Forgive the observation, Is there not something queer in your formation? (_Hesitatingly._) You don’t wear boots and shoes? (_aside_) Ah, that a fix is! They _can’t_ of course!

MONA. Why not? My number’s “sixes.” You never heard of _soles_ and _eels_?

PRINCE DOODLE. Yes, fried!

MONA. Around our grottoes, there(_’s_) _sea-horses_(_’s_) _hide_. For _bark_——you’ve heard the “moaning of the _tied_,” And _hide_ and _bark_ make leather, eh?

PRINCE DOODLE. Of course! (_Aside._) I’ve traced my _night mare_ up to its _sea-horse_; A mermaid! Here’s my chance! (_Aloud._) Dear me! How stupid! (_Aside._) Now aid me, Venus!

MONA. (_Overheating aside._) Venus! He must be Cupid! Why how the boy has grown! (_Aloud._) Is she your “Ma?”

PRINCE DOODLE. Alas, sweet maid! I am an orphan! (_sighs_) Ah! With ne’er a _parent_, we’re a _pair rent_, too.

MONA. You have my sympathy, what can I do!

(_Aside, holding hand to heart._)

Dear me! That queer sensation’s come again!

PRINCE DOODLE. Your sympathy, _see, mends_ an orphan’s _pain_, My _loving, lass_!

MONA. Your _glass_, I’d mend, Prince, but I Regret I’ve neither got _cements_ nor putty.

PRINCE DOODLE. Say, could you learn to love?

MONA. (_Innocently._) You’ll teach me your way?

PRINCE DOODLE. It’s plain! No doubt it’s much the same in Norway.

(_He puts arm round her waist and is going to kiss her, when he looks off L._)

See! yonder comes a _N’orse-man_ on an _’orse_!

MONA. Oh! Let us fly! The Gnome King!

PRINCE DOODLE. Fly! Of course. If you’ll fly with me, dear, we’ll never part.

MONA. (_Aside._) I’ve just discovered that I’ve got—a heart!

(_Exeunt through opening at back R. U. E. Enter L. 2 E. The GNOME KING on a rocking horse, attended by ROOSTER THE AUDACIOUS, GENERAL BOUNCE, and CAPTAIN POUNCE._)

GNOME KING. Whoa! Steady, boy! Here take this beast away And stuff his mouldy ribs with ancient hay. (_Exit R.U.E. CAPTAIN POUNCE with horse; he returns front_) The only steed in all our royal stable; We’d keep a dozen were we only able. The times are hard and out of joint ’tis clear. We’re out of _joints_ ourselves—and beer, Ha! ha! (_to ROOSTER._) Why can’t you laugh? Ha! ha!

ROOSTER, (_feebly_,) He! he!

G. KING. What mean these looks, you’re very grave, I see. Well, let’s to business. What are all these matters? We want some coin, our robes are torn to tatters.

(_seats himself on rock. R._)

Let’s hear the worst. Produce your budget, quick! Bring lights! Pray what’s the price of candles, _stick_?

(_ROOSTER aside._) There’s not a candle left. (_aloud_) It’s nearly morning. (_aside_) What shall I say. (_aloud_) Sir, see the day is dawning.

(_Stage gradually grows light._)

G. KING. Well, how’s the Exchequer?

ROOS. Empty.

G. KING. Stock it.

ROOS. I’ve eighteen pence, sir, in my waistcoat pocket. It’s pretty clear we must increase taxation.

G. K. We’ll tax the gnomes of each denomination.

ROOS. They’re taxed already, sir, wholesale and retail.

G. K. Tax them some more.

ROOS. But how?

G. K. Well, that’s a detail. Taxes. Tax every thing and every body, Toffee and tubs, ice cream and whiskey toddy. Tax folks who fish—for compliments or salmon. Lay taxes on their corns for shooting.

ROOS. (_aside_) Gammon. You’re pleased to joke. The situation’s grave.

G. K. And so am I. I’m quite in earnest, slave. Then, tax the air they breathe, the _airs_ they hear, And tax their wives, it’s right _they_ should be _dear_. Tax all pet oysters, sprats and whales they’re keeping. Tax ’em for eating, drinking, also sleeping. Tax them besides for laughing, singing, crying. And lay a heavy tax on folks for _dye_ing. Put taxes on the nation’s food and fuel, From turtle soup, to grits for babies’ gruel. Stay, here I have it! why, of course, you gabies You’d make a fortune by a tax on babies.

GENERAL BOUNCE. (_hesitatingly_) Can’t we economise, that’s my suggestion, What’s Toby and what’s not Toby’s the question?

G. K. Well, how’s the army? can we cut it down? Make sixpence go as far as half a crown?

G. BOUNCE. One General, (_points to self_,) and one Captain of the forces.

(_Points to CAPTAIN POUNCE._)

An inefficient staff, sir, that of course is; Of cavalry we’ve none.

G. K. The “Ryle Artileree?”

G. B. Burst up.

G. K. The Infantry?

G. B. All here you see.

(_Enter NOODLE, as full private, toy gun, bayonet fixed._)

But he’s a big one. Pray don’t mention halving; I grieve to say it, but the army’s—

NOODLE. (_Sepulchrally._) Starving!

G. K. Here’s insurrection! mutiny! revolt! I’m not afraid, but p’raps I’d better bolt.

(_ROOSTER, GENERAL and CAPTAIN run off, R._)

G. K. Here officers, on your allegiance stay, Protect your monarch now, don’t run away!

(_Runs off R._)

NOODLE. (_C. leaning on gun._) I must confess. I think it’s rather hard. For sixteen weeks I’ve been here, mounting guard. I’ve eaten nothing but a rind of cheese, And that wont help a man to “stand at ease.” I never get to mess, but into _messes_, The General’s joint is when the l_o_in_e_ he dresses. That’s not the worst; it’s more than I can bear, To hear the little beggar cry “form square!” One into four, won’t go. He says it will. Nothing goes into _me_ I know, but _drill_. From morn till night he has me on my legs, He’ll wear them off “as sure as eggs are eggs.” He talks of “_wings_,” as if I were a bird. “By your left wheel!” he cries. The thing’s absurd. I’d like to know why should I _buy_ a _wheel_! If I had any cash I’d buy a meal. I’ll strike. Along the shore, I’ll take a stroll, Perhaps the waves will give a nice fresh roll. A witch foretold that here I’d meet my brother. Alas, I fear we should not know each other. I’ll put a board up, that will do to tell.

(_Gets a piece of plank and writes on it in chalk. “Dere brother I am hear close buy. Yours_, NOODLE.” _To MISTER DOODLE. Places board against rock, R.C._)

It’s fortunate at school I learnt to spell.

(_Exit NOODLE, L. U. E._)

(_Re-enter cautiously, KING, ROOSTER, GENERAL and CAPTAIN R._)

G. B. The army’s disinfected!

G. K. What’s the reason?

ROOSTER. Off without _leave_, he’s gone.

G. BOUNCE. No _leaf_! it’s _tree’s_-on!

G. K. Pray cease your jokes, we have no time for fun. This is an unkind _cut_, much over done. The army gone! Say, is there further ill?

ROOSTER. Allow me to present your tailors’ bill.

(_Unfolds long roll of bill which runs out on the floor._)

G. K. It must be done. A plan I’ll now unfold, To fill our empty purse once more with gold. Stay! Are we quite secure?

(_Business; each going on tip-toe to R. and L. entrances, listening and returning with exaggerated melodramatic action. Music, soft chords. Stacato._)

One word! I love!

(_Loud chord, all start._)

ROOSTER. (_Enquiringly._) Thou love’st?

G. BOUNCE. (_Suspiciously._) He loves.

CAPTAIN POUNCE. (_Confidentially._) We love!

ROOSTER. (_Surprised._) Ye love!

G. KING. (_Disgusted._) They love! My love’s _declined_ with thanks. Alas, it’s true, Kings are but mortals, and I love like you.

ALL. The maid?

G. KING. A mermaid. Nay, you should’nt start, A mermaid, like a cabbage, has a heart. I offered her my hand; in it the key That opened locks to all the treasury. My mountain diamond mines! my gold! I rave!

G. B. She took it?

G. KING. Yes, and flung it in the wave. Since then, you know, I’ve not been worth a pin; The rocky doors are closed, I can’t get in. Listen. Next time she comes to land, we’ll seize her. And till she fetches back that key, I’ll tease her. Hullo! a step!

(_All hide, R. & L. Enter PRINCE DOODLE off rock R._)

DOODLE. Such fun! the mermaid nation, Is not averse, I find, from small flirtation. We’re getting on.

(_Sees board._)

What’s this! What have we here?

(_Reads notice aloud._)

Joy! joy! So then my long lost brother’s near. He can’t be far, (_calls_) Hi! Noodle! Noodle! Noodle!

(_Exit R. calling NOODLE. Enter MONA at centre, she hesitates, looks round._)

MONA. I wonder what’s become of darling Doodle.

(_Comes down. G. King, and the others follow in stealthily; the G. King has a veil._)

We’re playing hide and seek. It’s charming play. We play for kisses, and he always makes me pay. I wonder where he’s gone!

(_G. KING throws veil over her, she shrieks_.)

We’ll hide you, miss; Can’t you afford to give a King a kiss?

(_She struggles._)

Unless you get my golden key so shiny, You may as well say ta, ta, to the briny.

(_Scene closes in with view of the Cottage of the Maid of the Mill._)