Chapter 3
Well, first as we wash dirty wool so's to cleanse it, so with a pitiless zeal we will scrub Through the whole city for all greasy fellows; burrs too, the parasites, off we will rub. That verminous plague of insensate place-seekers soon between thumb and forefinger we'll crack. All who inside Athens' walls have their dwelling into one great common basket we'll pack. Disenfranchised or citizens, allies or aliens, pell-mell the lot of them in we will squeeze. Till they discover humanity's meaning.... As for disjointed and far colonies, Them you must never from this time imagine as scattered about just like lost hanks of wool. Each portion we'll take and wind in to this centre, inward to Athens each loyalty pull, Till from the vast heap where all's piled together at last can be woven a strong Cloak of State.
MAGISTRATE
How terrible is it to stand here and watch them carding and winding at will with our fate, Witless in war as they are.
LYSISTRATA
What of us then, who ever in vain for our children must weep Borne but to perish afar and in vain?
MAGISTRATE
Not that, O let that one memory sleep!
LYSISTRATA
Then while we should be companioned still merrily, happy as brides may, the livelong night, Kissing youth by, we are forced to lie single.... But leave for a moment our pitiful plight, It hurts even more to behold the poor maidens helpless wrinkling in staler virginity.
MAGISTRATE
Does not a man age?
LYSISTRATA
Not in the same way. Not as a woman grows withered, grows he. He, when returned from the war, though grey-headed, yet if he wishes can choose out a wife. But she has no solace save peering for omens, wretched and lonely the rest of her life.
MAGISTRATE
But the old man will often select--
LYSISTRATA
O why not finish and die? A bier is easy to buy, A honey-cake I'll knead you with joy, This garland will see you are decked.
CALONICE
I've a wreath for you too.
MYRRHINE
I also will fillet you.
LYSISTRATA
What more is lacking? Step aboard the boat. See, Charon shouts ahoy. You're keeping him, he wants to shove afloat.
MAGISTRATE
Outrageous insults! Thus my place to flout! Now to my fellow-magistrates I'll go And what you've perpetrated on me show.
LYSISTRATA
Why are you blaming us for laying you out? Assure yourself we'll not forget to make The third day offering early for your sake.
MAGISTRATE _retires_, LYSISTRATA _returns within_.
OLD MEN.
All men who call your loins your own, awake at last, arise And strip to stand in readiness. For as it seems to me Some more perilous offensive in their heads they now devise. I'm sure a Tyranny Like that of Hippias In this I detect.... They mean to put us under Themselves I suspect, And that Laconians assembling At Cleisthenes' house have played A trick-of-war and provoked them Madly to raid The Treasury, in which term I include The Pay for my food.
For is it not preposterous They should talk this way to us On a subject such as battle!
And, women as they are, about bronze bucklers dare prattle-- Make alliance with the Spartans--people I for one Like very hungry wolves would always most sincere shun.... Some dirty game is up their sleeve, I believe. A Tyranny, no doubt... but they won't catch me, that know. Henceforth on my guard I'll go, A sword with myrtle-branches wreathed for ever in my hand, And under arms in the Public Place I'll take my watchful stand, Shoulder to shoulder with Aristogeiton. Now my staff I'll draw And start at once by knocking that shocking Hag upon the jaw.
WOMEN.
Your own mother will not know you when you get back to the town. But first, my friends and allies, let us lay these garments down, And all ye fellow-citizens, hark to me while I tell What will aid Athens well. Just as is right, for I Have been a sharer In all the lavish splendour Of the proud city. I bore the holy vessels At seven, then I pounded barley At the age of ten, And clad in yellow robes, Soon after this, I was Little Bear to Brauronian Artemis; Then neckletted with figs, Grown tall and pretty, I was a Basket-bearer, And so it's obvious I should Give you advice that I think good, The very best I can. It should not prejudice my voice that I'm not born a man, If I say something advantageous to the present situation. For I'm taxed too, and as a toll provide men for the nation While, miserable greybeards, you, It is true, Contribute nothing of any importance whatever to our needs; But the treasure raised against the Medes You've squandered, and do nothing in return, save that you make Our lives and persons hazardous by some imbecile mistakes What can you answer? Now be careful, don't arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I'll take you napping, faces slapping Left and right.
MEN.
What villainies they contrive! Come, let vengeance fall, You that below the waist are still alive, Off with your tunics at my call-- Naked, all. For a man must strip to battle like a man. No quaking, brave steps taking, careless what's ahead, white shoed, in the nude, onward bold, All ye who garrisoned Leipsidrion of old.... Let each one wag As youthfully as he can, And if he has the cause at heart Rise at least a span.
We must take a stand and keep to it, For if we yield the smallest bit To their importunity. Then nowhere from their inroads will be left to us immunity. But they'll be building ships and soon their navies will attack us, As Artemisia did, and seek to fight us and to sack us. And if they mount, the Knights they'll rob Of a job, For everyone knows how talented they all are in the saddle, Having long practised how to straddle; No matter how they're jogged there up and down, they're never thrown. Then think of Myron's painting, and each horse-backed Amazon In combat hand-to-hand with men.... Come, on these women fall, And in pierced wood-collars let's stick quick The necks of one and all.
WOMEN.
Don't cross me or I'll loose The Beast that's kennelled here.... And soon you will be howling for a truce, Howling out with fear. But my dear, Strip also, that women may battle unhindered.... But you, you'll be too sore to eat garlic more, or one black bean, I really mean, so great's my spleen, to kick you black and blue With these my dangerous legs. I'll hatch the lot of you, If my rage you dash on, The way the relentless Beetle Hatched the Eagle's eggs.
Scornfully aside I set Every silly old-man threat While Lampito's with me. Or dear Ismenia, the noble Theban girl. Then let decree Be hotly piled upon decree; in vain will be your labours, You futile rogue abominated by your suffering neighbour To Hecate's feast I yesterday went-- Off I sent To our neighbours in Boeotia, asking as a gift to me For them to pack immediately That darling dainty thing ... a good fat eel [1] I meant of course;
[Footnote 1:_Vide supra_, p. 23.]
But they refused because some idiotic old decree's in force. O this strange passion for decrees nothing on earth can check, Till someone puts a foot out tripping you, and slipping you Break your neck.
LYSISTRATA _enters in dismay_.
WOMEN
Dear Mistress of our martial enterprise, Why do you come with sorrow in your eyes?
LYSISTRATA
O 'tis our naughty femininity, So weak in one spot, that hath saddened me.
WOMEN
What's this? Please speak.
LYSISTRATA
Poor women, O so weak!
WOMEN
What can it be? Surely your friends may know.
LYSISTRATA
Yea, I must speak it though it hurt me so.
WOMEN
Speak; can we help? Don't stand there mute in need.
LYSISTRATA
I'll blurt it out then--our women's army's mutinied.
WOMEN
O Zeus!
LYSISTRATA
What use is Zeus to our anatomy? Here is the gaping calamity I meant: I cannot shut their ravenous appetites A moment more now. They are all deserting. The first I caught was sidling through the postern Close by the Cave of Pan: the next hoisting herself With rope and pulley down: a third on the point Of slipping past: while a fourth malcontent, seated For instant flight to visit Orsilochus On bird-back, I dragged off by the hair in time.... They are all snatching excuses to sneak home. Look, there goes one.... Hey, what's the hurry?
1ST WOMAN
I must get home. I've some Milesian wool Packed wasting away, and moths are pushing through it.
LYSISTRATA
Fine moths indeed, I know. Get back within.
1ST WOMAN
By the Goddesses, I'll return instantly. I only want to stretch it on my bed.
LYSISTRATA
You shall stretch nothing and go nowhere either.
1ST WOMAN
Must I never use my wool then?
LYSISTRATA
If needs be.
2ND WOMAN
How unfortunate I am! O my poor flax! It's left at home unstript.
LYSISTRATA
So here's another That wishes to go home and strip her flax. Inside again!
2ND WOMAN
No, by the Goddess of Light, I'll be back as soon as I have flayed it properly.
LYSISTRATA
You'll not flay anything. For if you begin There'll not be one here but has a patch to be flayed.
3RD WOMAN
O holy Eilithyia, stay this birth Till I have left the precincts of the place!
LYSISTRATA
What nonsense is this?
3RD WOMAN
I'll drop it any minute.
LYSISTRATA
Yesterday you weren't with child.
3RD WOMAN
But I am today. O let me find a midwife, Lysistrata. O quickly!
LYSISTRATA
Now what story is this you tell? What is this hard lump here?
3RD WOMAN
It's a male child.
LYSISTRATA
By Aphrodite, it isn't. Your belly's hollow, And it has the feel of metal.... Well, I soon can see. You hussy, it's Athene's sacred helm, And you said you were with child.
3RD WOMAN
And so I am.
LYSISTRATA
Then why the helm?
3RD WOMAN
So if the throes should take me Still in these grounds I could use it like a dove As a laying-nest in which to drop the child.
LYSISTRATA
More pretexts! You can't hide your clear intent, And anyway why not wait till the tenth day Meditating a brazen name for your brass brat?
WOMAN
And I can't sleep a wink. My nerve is gone Since I saw that snake-sentinel of the shrine.
WOMAN
And all those dreadful owls with their weird hooting! Though I'm wearied out, I can't close an eye.
LYSISTRATA
You wicked women, cease from juggling lies. You want your men. But what of them as well? They toss as sleepless in the lonely night, I'm sure of it. Hold out awhile, hold out, But persevere a teeny-weeny longer. An oracle has promised Victory If we don't wrangle. Would you hear the words?
WOMEN
Yes, yes, what is it?
LYSISTRATA
Silence then, you chatterboxes. Here-- _Whenas the swallows flocking in one place from the hoopoes Deny themselves love's gambols any more, All woes shall then have ending and great Zeus the Thunderer Shall put above what was below before._
WOMEN
Will the men then always be kept under us?
LYSISTRATA _But if the swallows squabble among themselves and fly away Out of the temple, refusing to agree, Then The Most Wanton Birds in all the World They shall be named for ever. That's his decree._
WOMAN
It's obvious what it means.
LYSISTRATA
Now by all the gods We must let no agony deter from duty, Back to your quarters. For we are base indeed, My friends, if we betray the oracle.
_She goes out._
OLD MEN.
I'd like to remind you of a fable they used to employ, When I was a little boy: How once through fear of the marriage-bed a young man, Melanion by name, to the wilderness ran, And there on the hills he dwelt. For hares he wove a net Which with his dog he set-- Most likely he's there yet. For he never came back home, so great was the fear he felt. I loathe the sex as much as he, And therefore I no less shall be As chaste as was Melanion.
MAN
Grann'am, do you much mind men?
WOMAN
Onions you won't need, to cry.
MAN
From my foot you shan't escape.
WOMAN
What thick forests I espy.
MEN
So much Myronides' fierce beard And thundering black back were feared, That the foe fled when they were shown-- Brave he as Phormion.
WOMEN.
Well, I'll relate a rival fable just to show to you A different point of view: There was a rough-hewn fellow, Timon, with a face That glowered as through a thorn-bush in a wild, bleak place. He too decided on flight, This very Furies' son, All the world's ways to shun And hide from everyone, Spitting out curses on all knavish men to left and right. But though he reared this hate for men, He loved the women even then, And never thought them enemies.
WOMAN
O your jaw I'd like to break.
MAN
That I fear do you suppose?
WOMAN
Learn what kicks my legs can make.
MAN
Raise them up, and you'll expose--
WOMAN
Nay, you'll see there, I engage, All is well kept despite my age, And tended smooth enough to slip From any adversary's grip.
LYSISTRATA _appears_.
LYSISTRATA
Hollo there, hasten hither to me Skip fast along.
WOMAN
What is this? Why the noise?
LYSISTRATA
A man, a man! I spy a frenzied man! He carries Love upon him like a staff. O Lady of Cyprus, and Cythera, and Paphos, I beseech you, keep our minds and hands to the oath.
WOMAN
Where is he, whoever he is?
LYSISTRATA
By the Temple of Chloe.
WOMAN
Yes, now I see him, but who can he be?
LYSISTRATA
Look at him. Does anyone recognise his face?
MYRRHINE
I do. He is my husband, Cinesias.
LYSISTRATA
You know how to work. Play with him, lead him on, Seduce him to the cozening-point--kiss him, kiss him, Then slip your mouth aside just as he's sure of it, Ungirdle every caress his mouth feels at Save that the oath upon the bowl has locked.
MYRRHINE
You can rely on me.
LYSISTRATA
I'll stay here to help In working up his ardor to its height Of vain magnificence.... The rest to their quarters.
_Enter_ CINESIAS.
Who is this that stands within our lines?
CINESIAS
I.
LYSISTRATA
A man?
CINESIAS
Too much a man!
LYSISTRATA
Then be off at once.
CINESIAS
Who are you that thus eject me?
LYSISTRATA
Guard for the day.
CINESIAS
By all the gods, then call Myrrhine hither.
LYSISTRATA
So, call Myrrhine hither! Who are you?
CINESIAS
I am her husband Cinesias, son of Anthros.
LYSISTRATA
Welcome, dear friend! That glorious name of yours Is quite familiar in our ranks. Your wife Continually has it in her mouth. She cannot touch an apple or an egg But she must say, "This to Cinesias!"
CINESIAS
O is that true?
LYSISTRATA
By Aphrodite, it is. If the conversation strikes on men, your wife Cuts in with, "All are boobies by Cinesias."
CINESIAS
Then call her here.
LYSISTRATA
And what am I to get?
CINESIAS
This, if you want it.... See, what I have here. But not to take away.
LYSISTRATA
Then I'll call her.
CINESIAS
Be quick, be quick. All grace is wiped from life Since she went away. O sad, sad am I When there I enter on that loneliness, And wine is unvintaged of the sun's flavour. And food is tasteless. But I've put on weight.
MYRRHINE (_above_)
I love him O so much! but he won't have it. Don't call me down to him.
CINESIAS
Sweet little Myrrhine! What do you mean? Come here.
MYRRHINE
O no I won't. Why are you calling me? You don't want me.
CINESIAS
Not want you! with this week-old strength of love.
MYRRHINE
Farewell.
CINESIAS
Don't go, please don't go, Myrrhine. At least you'll hear our child. Call your mother, lad.
CHILD
Mummy ... mummy ... mummy!
CINESIAS
There now, don't you feel pity for the child? He's not been fed or washed now for six days.
MYRRHINE
I certainly pity him with so heartless a father.
CINESIAS
Come down, my sweetest, come for the child's sake.
MYRRHINE
A trying life it is to be a mother! I suppose I'd better go. _She comes down._
CINESIAS
How much younger she looks, How fresher and how prettier! Myrrhine, Lift up your lovely face, your disdainful face; And your ankle ... let your scorn step out its worst; It only rubs me to more ardor here.
MYRRHINE (_playing with the child_)
You're as innocent as he's iniquitous. Let me kiss you, honey-petting, mother's darling.
CINESIAS
How wrong to follow other women's counsel And let loose all these throbbing voids in yourself As well as in me. Don't you go throb-throb?
MYRRHINE
Take away your hands.
CINESIAS
Everything in the house Is being ruined.
MYRRHINE
I don't care at all.
CINESIAS
The roosters are picking all your web to rags. Do you mind that?
MYRRHINE
Not I.
CINESIAS
What time we've wasted We might have drenched with Paphian laughter, flung On Aphrodite's Mysteries. O come here.
MYRRHINE
Not till a treaty finishes the war.
CINESIAS
If you must have it, then we'll get it done.
MYRRHINE
Do it and I'll come home. Till then I am bound.
CINESIAS
Well, can't your oath perhaps be got around?
MYRRHINE
No ... no ... still I'll not say that I don't love you.
CINESIAS
You love me! Then dear girl, let me also love you.
MYRRHINE
You must be joking. The boy's looking on.
CINESIAS
Here, Manes, take the child home!... There, he's gone. There's nothing in the way now. Come to the point.
MYRRHINE
Here in the open! In plain sight?
CINESIAS
In Pan's cave. A splendid place.
MYRRHINE
Where shall I dress my hair again Before returning to the citadel?
CINESIAS
You can easily primp yourself in the Clepsydra.
MYRRHINE
But how can I break my oath?
CINESIAS
Leave that to me, I'll take all risk.
MYRRHINE
Well, I'll make you comfortable.
CINESIAS
Don't worry. I'd as soon lie on the grass.
MYRRHINE
No, by Apollo, in spite of all your faults I won't have you lying on the nasty earth. (_From here MYRRHINE keeps on going off to fetch things._)
CINESIAS
Ah, how she loves me.
MYRRHINE
Rest there on the bench, While I arrange my clothes. O what a nuisance, I must find some cushions first.
CINESIAS
Why some cushions? Please don't get them!
MYRRHINE
What? The plain, hard wood? Never, by Artemis! That would be too vulgar.
CINESIAS
Open your arms!
MYRRHINE
No. Wait a second.
CINESIAS
O.... Then hurry back again.
MYRRHINE
Here the cushions are. Lie down while I--O dear! But what a shame, You need more pillows.
CINESIAS
I don't want them, dear.
MYRRHINE
But I do.
CINESIAS
Thwarted affection mine, They treat you just like Heracles at a feast With cheats of dainties, O disappointing arms!
MYRRHINE
Raise up your head.
CINESIAS
There, that's everything at last.
MYRRHINE
Yes, all.
CINESIAS
Then run to my arms, you golden girl.
MYRRHINE
I'm loosening my girdle now. But you've not forgotten? You're not deceiving me about the Treaty?
CINESIAS
No, by my life, I'm not.
MYRRHINE
Why, you've no blanket.
CINESIAS
It's not the silly blanket's warmth but yours I want.
MYRRHINE
Never mind. You'll soon have both. I'll come straight back.
CINESIAS
The woman will choke me with her coverlets.
MYRRHINE
Get up a moment.
CINESIAS
I'm up high enough.
MYRRHINE
Would you like me to perfume you?
CINESIAS
By Apollo, no!
MYRRHINE
By Aphrodite, I'll do it anyway.
CINESIAS
Lord Zeus, may she soon use up all the myrrh.
MYRRHINE
Stretch out your hand. Take it and rub it in.
CINESIAS
Hmm, it's not as fragrant as might be; that is, Not before it's smeared. It doesn't smell of kisses.
MYRRHINE
How silly I am: I've brought you Rhodian scents.
CINESIAS
It's good enough, leave it, love.
MYRRHINE
You must be jesting.
CINESIAS
Plague rack the man who first compounded scent!
MYRRHINE
Here, take this flask.
CINESIAS
I've a far better one. Don't tease me, come here, and get nothing more.
MYRRHINE
I'm coming.... I'm just drawing off my shoes.... You're sure you will vote for Peace?
CINESIAS
I'll think about it. _She runs off._ I'm dead: the woman's worn me all away. She's gone and left me with an anguished pulse.
MEN
Baulked in your amorous delight How melancholy is your plight. With sympathy your case I view; For I am sure it's hard on you. What human being could sustain This unforeseen domestic strain, And not a single trace Of willing women in the place!
CINESIAS
O Zeus, what throbbing suffering!
MEN
She did it all, the harlot, she With her atrocious harlotry.
WOMEN
Nay, rather call her darling-sweet.
MEN
What, sweet? She's a rude, wicked thing.
CINESIAS
A wicked thing, as I repeat. O Zeus, O Zeus, Canst Thou not suddenly let loose Some twirling hurricane to tear Her flapping up along the air And drop her, when she's whirled around, Here to the ground Neatly impaled upon the stake That's ready upright for her sake. _He goes out._
_Enter_ SPARTAN HERALD.
_The_ MAGISTRATE _comes forward_.
HERALD
What here gabs the Senate an' the Prytanes? I've fetcht despatches for them.
MAGISTRATE
Are you a man Or a monstrosity?
HERALD
My scrimp-brained lad, I'm a herald, as ye see, who hae come frae Sparta Anent a Peace.
MAGISTRATE
Then why do you hide that lance That sticks out under your arms?
HERALD.
I've brought no lance.
MAGISTRATE
Then why do you turn aside and hold your cloak So far out from your body? Is your groin swollen With stress of travelling?
HERALD
By Castor, I'll swear The man is wud.
MAGISTRATE
Indeed, your cloak is wide, My rascal fellow.
HERALD
But I tell ye No! Enow o' fleering!
MAGISTRATE
Well, what is it then?
HERALD
It's my despatch cane.
MAGISTRATE
Of course--a Spartan cane! But speak right out. I know all this too well. Are new privations springing up in Sparta?
HERALD
Och, hard as could be: in lofty lusty columns Our allies stand united. We maun get Pellene.
MAGISTRATE
Whence has this evil come? Is it from Pan?
HERALD
No. Lampito first ran asklent, then the others Sprinted after her example, and blocked, the hizzies, Their wames unskaithed against our every fleech.
MAGISTRATE
What did you do?
HERALD
We are broken, and bent double, Limp like men carrying lanthorns in great winds About the city. They winna let us even Wi' lightest neif skim their primsie pretties Till we've concluded Peace-terms wi' a' Hellas.
MAGISTRATE
So the conspiracy is universal; This proves it. Then return to Sparta. Bid them Send envoys with full powers to treat of Peace; And I will urge the Senate here to choose Plenipotentiary ambassadors, As argument adducing this connection.
HERALD
I'm off. Your wisdom none could contravert. _They retire._
MEN
There is no beast, no rush of fire, like woman so untamed. She calmly goes her way where even panthers would be shamed.
WOMEN
And yet you are fool enough, it seems, to dare to war with me, When for your faithful ally you might win me easily.
MEN
Never could the hate I feel for womankind grow less.
WOMEN
Then have your will. But I'll take pity on your nakedness. For I can see just how ridiculous you look, and so Will help you with your tunic if close up I now may go.
MEN
Well, that, by Zeus, is no scoundrel-deed, I frankly will admit. I only took them off myself in a scoundrel raging-fit.
WOMEN
Now you look sensible, and that you're men no one could doubt. If you were but good friends again, I'd take the insect out That hurts your eye.
MEN
Is that what's wrong? That nasty bitie thing. Please squeeze it out, and show me what it is that makes this sting. It's been paining me a long while now.
WOMEN
Well I'll agree to that, Although you're most unmannerly. O what a giant gnat. Here, look! It comes from marshy Tricorysus, I can tell.
MEN
O thank you. It was digging out a veritable well. Now that it's gone, I can't hold back my tears. See how they fall.
WOMEN
I'll wipe them off, bad as you are, and kiss you after all.
MEN
I won't be kissed.
WOMEN
O yes, you will. Your wishes do not matter.
MEN
O botheration take you all! How you cajole and flatter. A hell it is to live with you; to live without, a hell: How truly was that said. But come, these enmities let's quell. You stop from giving orders and I'll stop from doing wrong. So let's join ranks and seal our bargain with a choric song.
CHORUS.