Chapter 2
I don't believe it. Not while they own ane trireme oared an' rigged, Or a' those stacks an' stacks an' stacks O' siller.
LYSISTRATA
I've thought the whole thing out till there's no flaw. We shall surprise the Acropolis today: That is the duty set the older dames. While we sit here talking, they are to go And under pretence of sacrificing, seize it.
LAMPITO
Certie, that's fine; all's working for the best.
LYSISTRATA
Now quickly, Lampito, let us tie ourselves To this high purpose as tightly as the hemp of words Can knot together.
LAMPITO
Set out the terms in detail And we'll a' swear to them.
LYSISTRATA
Of course.... Well then Where is our Scythianess? Why are you staring? First lay the shield, boss downward, on the floor And bring the victim's inwards.
CAILONICE
But, Lysistrata, What is this oath that we're to swear?
LYSISTRATA
What oath! In Aeschylus they take a slaughtered sheep And swear upon a buckler. Why not we?
CALONICE
O Lysistrata, Peace sworn on a buckler!
LYSISTRATA
What oath would suit us then?
CALONICE
Something burden bearing Would be our best insignia.... A white horse! Let's swear upon its entrails.
LYSISTRATA
A horse indeed!
CALONICE
Then what will symbolise us?
LYSISTRATA
This, as I tell you-- First set a great dark bowl upon the ground And disembowel a skin of Thasian wine, Then swear that we'll not add a drop of water.
LAMPITO Ah, what aith could clink pleasanter than that!
LYSISTRATA Bring me a bowl then and a skin of wine.
CALONICE My dears, see what a splendid bowl it is; I'd not say No if asked to sip it off.
LYSISTRATA Put down the bowl. Lay hands, all, on the victim. Skiey Queen who givest the last word in arguments, And thee, O Bowl, dear comrade, we beseech: Accept our oblation and be propitious to us.
CALONICE What healthy blood, la, how it gushes out!
LAMPITO An' what a leesome fragrance through the air.
LYSISTRATA Now, dears, if you will let me, I'll speak first.
CALONICE Only if you draw the lot, by Aphrodite!
LYSISTRATA SO, grasp the brim, you, Lampito, and all. You, Calonice, repeat for the rest Each word I say. Then you must all take oath And pledge your arms to the same stern conditions--
LYSISTRATA To husband or lover I'll not open arms
CALONICE
_To husband or lover I'll not open arms_
LYSISTRATA
Though love and denial may enlarge his charms.
CALONICE
_Though love and denial may enlarge his charms._ O, O, my knees are failing me, Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA
But still at home, ignoring him, I'll stay,
CALONICE
_But still at home, ignoring him, I'll stay,_
LYSISTRATA
Beautiful, clad in saffron silks all day.
CALONICE
_Beautiful, clad in saffron silks all day._
LYSISTRATA
If then he seizes me by dint of force,
CALONICE
_If then he seizes me by dint of force,_
LYSISTRATA
I'll give him reason for a long remorse.
CALONICE
_I'll give him reason for a long remorse._
LYSISTRATA
I'll never lie and stare up at the ceiling,
CALONICE
_I'll never lie and stare up at the ceiling,_
LYSISTRATA
Nor like a lion on all fours go kneeling.
CALONICE
_Nor like a lion on all fours go kneeling._
LYSISTRATA
If I keep faith, then bounteous cups be mine.
CALONICE
_If I keep faith, then bounteous cups be mine._
LYSISTRATA
If not, to nauseous water change this wine.
CALONICE _If not, to nauseous water change this wine._
LYSISTRATA
Do you all swear to this?
MYRRHINE
We do, we do.
LYSISTRATA
Then I shall immolate the victim thus. _She drinks._
CALONICE
Here now, share fair, haven't we made a pact? Let's all quaff down that friendship in our turn.
LAMPITO
Hark, what caterwauling hubbub's that?
LYSISTRATA
As I told you, The women have appropriated the citadel. So, Lampito, dash off to your own land And raise the rebels there. These will serve as hostages, While we ourselves take our places in the ranks And drive the bolts right home.
CALONICE
But won't the men March straight against us?
LYSISTRATA
And what if they do? No threat shall creak our hinges wide, no torch Shall light a fear in us; we will come out To Peace alone.
CALONICE
That's it, by Aphrodite! As of old let us seem hard and obdurate.
LAMPITO _and some go off; the others go up into the Acropolis._
_Chorus of_ OLD MEN _enter to attack the captured Acropolis_.
Make room, Draces, move ahead; why your shoulder's chafed, I see, With lugging uphill these lopped branches of the olive-tree. How upside-down and wrong-way-round a long life sees things grow. Ah, Strymodorus, who'd have thought affairs could tangle so?
The women whom at home we fed, Like witless fools, with fostering bread, Have impiously come to this-- They've stolen the Acropolis, With bolts and bars our orders flout And shut us out.
Come, Philurgus, bustle thither; lay our faggots on the ground, In neat stacks beleaguering the insurgents all around; And the vile conspiratresses, plotters of such mischief dire, Pile and burn them all together in one vast and righteous pyre: Fling with our own hands Lycon's wife to fry in the thickest fire. By Demeter, they'll get no brag while I've a vein to beat! Cleomenes himself was hurtled out in sore defeat. His stiff-backed Spartan pride was bent. Out, stripped of all his arms, he went: A pigmy cloak that would not stretch To hide his rump (the draggled wretch), Six sprouting years of beard, the spilth Of six years' filth.
That was a siege! Our men were ranged in lines of seventeen deep Before the gates, and never left their posts there, even to sleep. Shall I not smite the rash presumption then of foes like these, Detested both of all the gods and of Euripides-- Else, may the Marathon-plain not boast my trophied victories!
Ah, now, there's but a little space To reach the place! A deadly climb it is, a tricky road With all this bumping load: A pack-ass soon would tire.... How these logs bruise my shoulders! further still Jog up the hill, And puff the fire inside, Or just as we reach the top we'll find it's died. Ough, phew! I choke with the smoke.
Lord Heracles, how acrid-hot Out of the pot This mad-dog smoke leaps, worrying me And biting angrily.... 'Tis Lemnian fire that smokes, Or else it would not sting my eyelids thus.... Haste, all of us; Athene invokes our aid. Laches, now or never the assault must be made! Ough, phew! I choke with the smoke. ..
Thanked be the gods! The fire peeps up and crackles as it should. Now why not first slide off our backs these weary loads of wood And dip a vine-branch in the brazier till it glows, then straight Hurl it at the battering-ram against the stubborn gate? If they refuse to draw the bolts in immediate compliance, We'll set fire to the wood, and smoke will strangle their defiance.
Phew, what a spluttering drench of smoke! Come, now from off my back.... Is there no Samos-general to help me to unpack? Ah there, that's over! For the last time now it's galled my shoulder. Flare up thine embers, brazier, and dutifully smoulder, To kindle a brand, that I the first may strike the citadel. Aid me, Lady Victory, that a triumph-trophy may tell How we did anciently this insane audacity quell!
_Chorus of_ WOMEN.
What's that rising yonder? That ruddy glare, that smoky skurry? O is it something in a blaze? Quick, quick, my comrades, hurry! Nicodice, helter-skelter! Or poor Calyce's in flames And Cratylla's stifled in the welter. O these dreadful old men And their dark laws of hate! There, I'm all of a tremble lest I turn out to be too late. I could scarcely get near to the spring though I rose before dawn, What with tattling of tongues and rattling of pitchers in one jostling din With slaves pushing in!....
Still here at last the water's drawn And with it eagerly I run To help those of my friends who stand In danger of being burned alive. For I am told a dribbling band Of greybeards hobble to the field, Great faggots in each palsied hand, As if a hot bath to prepare, And threatening that out they'll drive These wicked women or soon leave them charring into ashes there. O Goddess, suffer not, I pray, this harsh deed to be done, But show us Greece and Athens with their warlike acts repealed! For this alone, in this thy hold, Thou Goddess with the helm of gold, We laid hands on thy sanctuary, Athene.... Then our ally be And where they cast their fires of slaughter Direct our water!
STRATYLLIS (_caught_)
Let me go!
WOMEN
You villainous old men, what's this you do? No honest man, no pious man, could do such things as you.
MEN
Ah ha, here's something most original, I have no doubt: A swarm of women sentinels to man the walls without.
WOMEN
So then we scare you, do we? Do we seem a fearful host? You only see the smallest fraction mustered at this post.
MEN
Ho, Phaedrias, shall we put a stop to all these chattering tricks? Suppose that now upon their backs we splintered these our sticks?
WOMEN
Let us lay down the pitchers, so our bodies will be free, In case these lumping fellows try to cause some injury.
MEN
O hit them hard and hit again and hit until they run away, And perhaps they'll learn, like Bupalus, not to have too much to say.
WOMEN
Come on, then--do it! I won't budge, but like a dog I'll bite At every little scrap of meat that dangles in my sight.
MEN
Be quiet, or I'll bash you out of any years to come.
WOMEN
Now you just touch Stratyllis with the top-joint of your thumb.
MEN
What vengeance can you take if with my fists your face I beat?
WOMEN
I'll rip you with my teeth and strew your entrails at your feet.
MEN
Now I appreciate Euripides' strange subtlety: Woman is the most shameless beast of all the beasts that be.
WOMEN
Rhodippe, come, and let's pick up our water-jars once more.
MEN
Ah cursed drab, what have you brought this water for?
WOMEN
What is your fire for then, you smelly corpse? Yourself to burn?
MEN
To build a pyre and make your comrades ready for the urn.
WOMEN
And I've the water to put out your fire immediately.
MEN
What, you put out my fire?
WOMEN
Yes, sirrah, as you soon will see.
MEN
I don't know why I hesitate to roast you with this flame.
WOMEN
If you have any soap you'll go off cleaner than you came.
MEN
Cleaner, you dirty slut?
WOMEN
A nuptial-bath in which to lie!
MEN
Did you hear that insolence?
WOMEN
I'm a free woman, I.
MEN
I'll make you hold your tongue.
WOMEN
Henceforth you'll serve in no more juries.
MEN
Burn off her hair for her.
WOMEN
Now forward, water, quench their furies!
MEN
O dear, O dear!
WOMEN
So ... was it hot?
MEN
Hot! ... Enough, O hold.
WOMEN
Watered, perhaps you'll bloom again--why not?
MEN
Brrr, I'm wrinkled up from shivering with cold.
WOMEN
Next time you've fire you'll warm yourself and leave us to our lot.
MAGISTRATE _enters with attendant_ SCYTHIANS.
MAGISTRATE
Have the luxurious rites of the women glittered Their libertine show, their drumming tapped out crowds, The Sabazian Mysteries summoned their mob, Adonis been wept to death on the terraces, As I could hear the last day in the Assembly? For Demostratus--let bad luck befoul him-- Was roaring, "We must sail for Sicily," While a woman, throwing herself about in a dance Lopsided with drink, was shrilling out "Adonis, Woe for Adonis." Then Demostratus shouted, "We must levy hoplites at Zacynthus," And there the woman, up to the ears in wine, Was screaming "Weep for Adonis" on the house-top, The scoundrelly politician, that lunatic ox, Bellowing bad advice through tipsy shrieks: Such are the follies wantoning in them.
MEN
O if you knew their full effrontery! All of the insults they've done, besides sousing us With water from their pots to our public disgrace For we stand here wringing our clothes like grown-up infants.
MAGISTRATE
By Poseidon, justly done! For in part with us The blame must lie for dissolute behaviour And for the pampered appetites they learn. Thus grows the seedling lust to blossoming: We go into a shop and say, "Here, goldsmith, You remember the necklace that you wrought my wife; Well, the other night in fervour of a dance Her clasp broke open. Now I'm off for Salamis; If you've the leisure, would you go tonight And stick a bolt-pin into her opened clasp." Another goes to a cobbler; a soldierly fellow, Always standing up erect, and says to him, "Cobbler, a sandal-strap of my wife's pinches her, Hurts her little toe in a place where she's sensitive. Come at noon and see if you can stretch out wider This thing that troubles her, loosen its tightness." And so you view the result. Observe my case-- I, a magistrate, come here to draw Money to buy oar-blades, and what happens? The women slam the door full in my face. But standing still's no use. Bring me a crowbar, And I'll chastise this their impertinence. What do you gape at, wretch, with dazzled eyes? Peering for a tavern, I suppose. Come, force the gates with crowbars, prise them apart! I'll prise away myself too.... (LYSISTRATA _appears._)
LYSISTRATA
Stop this banging. I'm coming of my own accord.... Why bars? It is not bars we need but common sense.
MAGISTRATE
Indeed, you slut! Where is the archer now? Arrest this woman, tie her hands behind.
LYSISTRATA
If he brushes me with a finger, by Artemis, The public menial, he'll be sorry for it.
MAGISTRATE
Are you afraid? Grab her about the middle. Two of you then, lay hands on her and end it.
CALONICE
By Pandrosos I if your hand touches her I'll spread you out and trample on your guts.
MAGISTRATE
My guts! Where is the other archer gone? Bind that minx there who talks so prettily.
MYRRHINE
By Phosphor, if your hand moves out her way You'd better have a surgeon somewhere handy.
MAGISTRATE
You too! Where is that archer? Take that woman. I'll put a stop to these surprise-parties.
STRATYLLIS
By the Tauric Artemis, one inch nearer My fingers, and it's a bald man that'll be yelling.
MAGISTRATE
Tut tut, what's here? Deserted by my archers.... But surely women never can defeat us; Close up your ranks, my Scythians. Forward at them.
LYSISTRATA
By the Goddesses, you'll find that here await you Four companies of most pugnacious women Armed cap-a-pie from the topmost louring curl To the lowest angry dimple.
MAGISTRATE
On, Scythians, bind them.
LYSISTRATA
On, gallant allies of our high design, Vendors of grain-eggs-pulse-and-vegetables, Ye garlic-tavern-keepers of bakeries, Strike, batter, knock, hit, slap, and scratch our foes, Be finely imprudent, say what you think of them.... Enough! retire and do not rob the dead.
MAGISTRATE
How basely did my archer-force come off.
LYSISTRATA
Ah, ha, you thought it was a herd of slaves You had to tackle, and you didn't guess The thirst for glory ardent in our blood.
MAGISTRATE
By Apollo, I know well the thirst that heats you-- Especially when a wine-skin's close.
MEN
You waste your breath, dear magistrate, I fear, in answering back. What's the good of argument with such a rampageous pack? Remember how they washed us down (these very clothes I wore) With water that looked nasty and that smelt so even more.
WOMEN
What else to do, since you advanced too dangerously nigh. If you should do the same again, I'll punch you in the eye. Though I'm a stay-at-home and most a quiet life enjoy, Polite to all and every (for I'm naturally coy), Still if you wake a wasps' nest then of wasps you must beware.
MEN
How may this ferocity be tamed? It grows too great to bear. Let us question them and find if they'll perchance declare The reason why they strangely dare To seize on Cranaos' citadel, This eyrie inaccessible, This shrine above the precipice, The Acropolis. Probe them and find what they mean with this idle talk; listen, but watch they don't try to deceive. You'd be neglecting your duty most certainly if now this mystery unplumbed you leave.
MAGISTRATE
Women there! Tell what I ask you, directly.... Come, without rambling, I wish you to state What's your rebellious intention in barring up thus on our noses our own temple-gate.
LYSISTRATA
To take first the treasury out of your management, and so stop the war through the absence of gold.
MAGISTRATE
Is gold then the cause of the war?
LYSISTRATA
Yes, gold caused it and miseries more, too many to be told. 'Twas for money, and money alone, that Pisander with all of the army of mob-agitators. Raised up revolutions. But, as for the future, it won't be worth while to set up to be traitors. Not an obol they'll get as their loot, not an obol! while we have the treasure-chest in our command.
MAGISTRATE
What then is that you propose?
LYSISTRATA
Just this--merely to take the exchequer henceforth in hand.
MAGISTRATE
The exchequer!
LYSISTRATA
Yes, why not? Of our capabilities you have had various clear evidences. Firstly remember we have always administered soundly the budget of all home-expenses.
MAGISTRATE
But this matter's different.
LYSISTRATA
How is it different?
MAGISTRATE
Why, it deals chiefly with war-time supplies.
LYSISTRATA
But we abolish war straight by our policy.
MAGISTRATE
What will you do if emergencies arise?
LYSISTRATA
Face them our own way.
MAGISTRATE
What _you_ will?
LYSISTRATA
Yes _we_ will!
MAGISTRATE
Then there's no help for it; we're all destroyed.
LYSISTRATA
No, willy-nilly you must be safeguarded.
MAGISTRATE
What madness is this?
LYSISTRATA
Why, it seems you're annoyed. It must be done, that's all.
MAGISTRATE
Such awful oppression never, O never in the past yet I bore.
LYSISTRATA
You must be saved, sirrah--that's all there is to it.
MAGISTRATE
If we don't want to be saved?
LYSISTRATA
All the more.
MAGISTRATE
Why do you women come prying and meddling in matters of state touching war-time and peace?
LYSISTRATA
That I will tell you.
MAGISTRATE
O tell me or quickly I'll--
LYSISTRATA
Hearken awhile and from threatening cease.
MAGISTRATE
I cannot, I cannot; it's growing too insolent.
WOMEN
Come on; you've far more than we have to dread.
MAGISTRATE
Stop from your croaking, old carrion-crow there.... Continue.
LYSISTRATA
Be calm then and I'll go ahead. All the long years when the hopeless war dragged along we, unassuming, forgotten in quiet, Endured without question, endured in our loneliness all your incessant child's antics and riot. Our lips we kept tied, though aching with silence, though well all the while in our silence we knew How wretchedly everything still was progressing by listening dumbly the day long to you. For always at home you continued discussing the war and its politics loudly, and we Sometimes would ask you, our hearts deep with sorrowing though we spoke lightly, though happy to see, "What's to be inscribed on the side of the Treaty-stone What, dear, was said in the Assembly today?" "Mind your own business," he'd answer me growlingly "hold your tongue, woman, or else go away." And so I would hold it.
WOMEN
I'd not be silent for any man living on earth, no, not I!
MAGISTRATE
Not for a staff?
LYSISTRATA
Well, so I did nothing but sit in the house, feeling dreary, and sigh, While ever arrived some fresh tale of decisions more foolish by far and presaging disaster. Then I would say to him, "O my dear husband, why still do they rush on destruction the faster?" At which he would look at me sideways, exclaiming, "Keep for your web and your shuttle your care, Or for some hours hence your cheeks will be sore and hot; leave this alone, war is Man's sole affair!"
MAGISTRATE
By Zeus, but a man of fine sense, he.
LYSISTRATA
How sensible? You dotard, because he at no time had lent His intractable ears to absorb from our counsel one temperate word of advice, kindly meant? But when at the last in the streets we heard shouted (everywhere ringing the ominous cry) "Is there no one to help us, no saviour in Athens?" and, "No, there is no one," come back in reply. At once a convention of all wives through Hellas here for a serious purpose was held, To determine how husbands might yet back to wisdom despite their reluctance in time be compelled. Why then delay any longer? It's settled. For the future you'll take up our old occupation. Now in turn you're to hold tongue, as we did, and listen while we show the way to recover the nation.
MAGISTRATE
_You_ talk to _us!_ Why, you're mad. I'll not stand it.
LYSISTRATA
Cease babbling, you fool; till I end, hold your tongue.
MAGISTRATE
If I should take orders from one who wears veils, may my neck straightaway be deservedly wrung.
LYSISTRATA
O if that keeps pestering you, I've a veil here for your hair, I'll fit you out in everything As is only fair.
CALONICE
Here's a spindle that will do.
MYRRHINE
I'll add a wool-basket too.
LYSISTRATA
Girdled now sit humbly at home, Munching beans, while you card wool and comb. For war from now on is the Women's affair.
WOMEN.
Come then, down pitchers, all, And on, courageous of heart, In our comradely venture Each taking her due part.
I could dance, dance, dance, and be fresher after, I could dance away numberless suns, To no weariness let my knees bend. Earth I could brave with laughter, Having such wonderful girls here to friend. O the daring, the gracious, the beautiful ones! Their courage unswerving and witty Will rescue our city.
O sprung from the seed of most valiant-wombed grand-mothers, scions of savage and dangerous nettles! Prepare for the battle, all. Gird up your angers. Our way the wind of sweet victory settles.
LYSISTRATA
O tender Eros and Lady of Cyprus, some flush of beauty I pray you devise To flash on our bosoms and, O Aphrodite, rosily gleam on our valorous thighs! Joy will raise up its head through the legions warring and all of the far-serried ranks of mad-love Bristle the earth to the pillared horizon, pointing in vain to the heavens above. I think that perhaps then they'll give us our title-- Peace-makers.
MAGISTRATE
What do you mean? Please explain.
LYSISTRATA
First, we'll not see you now flourishing arms about into the Marketing-place clang again.
WOMEN No, by the Paphian.
LYSISTRATA
Still I can conjure them as past were the herbs stand or crockery's sold Like Corybants jingling (poor sots) fully armoured, they noisily round on their promenade strolled.
MAGISTRATE
And rightly; that's discipline, they--
LYSISTRATA
But what's sillier than to go on an errand of buying a fish Carrying along an immense. Gorgon-buckler instead the usual platter or dish? A phylarch I lately saw, mounted on horse-back, dressed for the part with long ringlets and all, Stow in his helmet the omelet bought steaming from an old woman who kept a food-stall. Nearby a soldier, a Thracian, was shaking wildly his spear like Tereus in the play, To frighten a fig-girl while unseen the ruffian filched from her fruit-trays the ripest away.
MAGISTRATE
How, may I ask, will your rule re-establish order and justice in lands so tormented?
LYSISTRATA
Nothing is easier.
MAGISTRATE
Out with it speedily--what is this plan that you boast you've invented?
LYSISTRATA
If, when yarn we are winding, It chances to tangle, then, as perchance you may know, through the skein This way and that still the spool we keep passing till it is finally clear all again: So to untangle the War and its errors, ambassadors out on all sides we will send This way and that, here, there and round about--soon you will find that the War has an end.
MAGISTRATE
So with these trivial tricks of the household, domestic analogies of threads, skeins and spools, You think that you'll solve such a bitter complexity, unwind such political problems, you fools!
LYSISTRATA