PART XIV

LE VÉTÉRINAIRE MALGRÉ LUI

_Outside the Stables at Wyvern._ TIME--_About_ 10 P.M.

_Undershell_ (_to himself, as he follows_ ADAMS). Now is my time to arrange about getting away from here. (_To_ ADAMS.) By the bye, I suppose you can let me have a conveyance of some sort--after I've seen the horse? I--I'm rather in a hurry.

_Adams._ You'd better speak to Mr. Checkley about that, sir; it ain't in _my_ department, you see. I'll fetch him round, if you'll wait here a minute; he'd like to hear what you think about the 'orse.

[_He goes off to the coachman's quarters._

_Undershell_ (_alone_). A very civil fellow this; he seems quite anxious to show me this animal! There must be _something_ very remarkable about it.

[ADAMS _returns with_ CHECKLEY.

_Adams._ Mr. Checkley, our 'ed coachman, Mr. Undershell. He's coming in along with us to 'ear what you say, if you've no objections.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I must make a friend of this coachman, or else---- (_Aloud._) I shall be charmed, Mr. Checkley. I've only a very few minutes to spare; but I'm most curious to see this horse of yours.

_Checkley._ He ain't one o' _my_ 'orses, sir. If he _'ad_ been---- But there, I'd better say nothing about it.

_Adams_ (_as he leads the way into the stables, and turns up the gas_). There, sir, that's Deerfoot over there in the loose box.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). He seems to me much like any _other_ horse! However, I can't be wrong in admiring. (_Aloud, as he inspects him, through the rails._) Ah, indeed? he _is_ worth seeing! A magnificent creature!

_Adams_ (_stripping off_ Deerfoot's _clothing_). He's a good 'orse, sir. Her ladyship won't trust herself on no other animal, not since she 'ad the influenzy so bad. She'd take on dreadful if I 'ad to tell her he wouldn't be fit for no more work, she would!

_Undershell_ (_sympathetically_). I can quite imagine so. Not that he seems in any danger of _that_!

_Checkley_ (_triumphantly_). There, you 'ear that, Adams? The minute he set eyes on the 'orse!

_Adams._ Wait till Mr. Undershell has seen him move a bit, and see what he says _then_.

_Checkley._ If it was what _you_ think, he'd never be standing like he is now, depend upon it.

_Adams._ You _can't_ depend upon it. He 'eard us coming, and he's quite artful enough to draw his foot back for fear o' getting a knock. (_To_ UNDERSHELL.) I've noticed him very fidgety-like on his forelegs this last day or two.

_Undershell._ _Have_ you, though? (_To himself._) I hope he won't be fidgety with his _hind_-legs. I shall stay outside.

_Adams._ I cooled him down with a rubub and aloes ball, and kep 'im on low diet; but he don't seem no better.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I didn't gather the horse was unwell. (_Aloud._) Dear me! no better? You don't say so!

_Checkley._ If you'd rubbed a little embrocation into the shoulder, you'd ha' done more good, in _my_ opinion, and it's my belief as Mr. Undershell here will tell you I'm right.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Can't afford to offend the coachman! (_Aloud._) Well, I dare say--er--embrocation _would_ have been better.

_Adams._ Ah, that's where me and Mr. Checkley differ. According to me, it ain't to do with the shoulder at all--it's a deal lower down.... I'll 'ave him out of the box and you'll soon see what I mean.

_Undershell_ (_hastily_). Pray don't trouble on my account. I--I can see him capitally from where I am, thanks.

_Adams._ You know best, sir. Only I thought you'd be better able to form a judgment after you'd seen the way he stepped across. But if you was to come in and examine the frog?-- I don't like the look of it myself.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I'm sure _I_ don't. I've a horror of reptiles. (_Aloud._) You're very good. I--I think I won't come in. The place must be rather _damp_, mustn't it--for that?

_Adams._ It's dry enough in 'ere, sir, as you may see; nor yet he ain't been standing about in no wet. Still, there it _is_, you see!

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). What a fool he must be not to drive it out! Of course it must annoy the horse. (_Aloud._) I don't see it; but I'm quite willing to take your word for it.

_Adams._ I don't know how you can _expect_ to see it, sir, without you look inside of the 'oof for it.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). It's not alive--it's something _inside_ the hoof. I suppose I ought to have known that. (_Aloud._) Just so; but I see no necessity for looking inside the hoof.

_Checkley._ In course he don't, or he'd ha' looked the very fust thing, with all his experience. I 'ope you're satisfied _now_, Adams?

_Adams._ I can't say as I am. I say as no man can examine a 'orse thoroughly at that distance, be he who he may. And whether I'm right or wrong, it 'ud be more of a satisfaction to me if Mr. Undershell was to step in and see the 'oof for himself.

_Checkley._ Well, there's sense in that, and I dessay Mr. Undershell won't object to obliging you that far.

_Undershell_ (_with reluctance_). Oh, with pleasure, if you make a point of it.

[_He enters the loose box delicately._

_Adams_ (_picking up one of the horse's feet_). Now, tell me how this 'ere 'oof strikes you.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). That hoof _can't_; but I'm not so sure about the others. (_Aloud, as he inspects it._) Well--er--it seems to me a very _nice_ hoof.

_Adams_ (_grimly_). I was not arsking your opinion of it as a work of _art_, sir. Do you see any narrering coming on, or do you not? That's what I should like to get out of _you_!

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). Does this man suppose I _collect_ hoofs! However, I'm not going to commit myself. (_Aloud._) H'm--well, I--I rather agree with Mr. Checkley.

_Checkley._ I knew he would! Now you've _got_ it, Adams! _I_ can see Mr. Undershell knows what he's about.

_Adams_ (_persistently_). But look at this 'ere pastern. You can't deny there's puffiness there. How do you get over _that_?

_Undershell._ If the horse is puffy, it's _his_ business to get over it--not mine.

_Adams_ (_aggrieved_). You may think proper to treat it light, sir; but if you put your 'and down 'ere, above the coronet, you'll feel a throbbing as plain as----

_Undershell._ Very likely. But I don't know, really, that it would afford me any particular gratification if I _did_!

_Adams._ Well, if you don't take _my_ view, I should ha' thought as you'd want to feel the 'orse's pulse.

_Undershell._ You are quite mistaken. I don't. (_To himself._) Particularly as I shouldn't know where to find it. What a bore this fellow is with his horse!

_Checkley._ In course, sir, _you_ see what's running in Mr. Adams's 'ed all this time, what he's a-driving at, eh?

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I only wish I did! This will require tact. (_Aloud._) I--I could hardly avoid seeing _that_--could I?

_Checkley._ _I_ should think not. And it stands to reason as a vet like yourself'd spot a thing like navickler fust go off.

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). A vet! They've been taking me for a vet all this time! I can't have been so ignorant as I thought. I really don't like to undeceive them--they might feel annoyed. (_Aloud, knowingly._) To be sure, I--I spotted it at once.

_Adams._ He _does_ make it out navicular after all! What did I tell you, Checkley? Now p'raps you'll believe _me_!

_Checkley._ I'll be shot if that 'orse has navickler, whoever says so--there!

_Adams_ (_gloomily_). It's the 'orse 'll 'ave to be shot; worse luck! I'd ha' give something if Mr. Undershell could ha' shown I was wrong; but there was very little doubt in _my_ mind what it was all along.

_Undershell_ (_to himself, horrified_). I've been pronouncing this unhappy animal's doom without knowing it! I must tone it down. (_Aloud._) No--no, I never said he must be shot. There's no reason to despair. It--it's quite a mild form of er--clavicular--not at all infectious at present. And the horse has a splendid constitution. I--I really think he'll soon be himself again, if we only--er--leave Nature to do her work, you know.

_Adams_ (_after a prolonged whistle_). Well, if Nature ain't better up in her work than you seem to be, it's 'igh time she chucked it, and took to something else. You've a lot to learn about navicular, _you_ 'ave, if you can talk such rot as that!

_Checkley._ Ah, I've 'ad to do with a vet or two in my time, but I'm blest if I ever come across the likes o' _you_ afore!

_Undershell_ (_to himself_). I _knew_ they'd find me out! I must pacify them. (_Aloud._) But, look here, I'm _not_ a vet. I never said I _was_. It was your mistake entirely. The fact is, my--my good men, I came down here because--well, it's unnecessary to explain now _why_ I came. But I'm most anxious to get away, and if you, my dear Mr. Checkley, could let me have a trap to take me to Shuntingbridge to-night, I should feel extremely obliged.

[CHECKLEY _stares, deprived of speech_.

_Adams_ (_with a private wink to_ CHECKLEY). Certainly he will, sir. I'm sure Checkley 'll feel proud to turn out, late as it is, to oblige a gentleman with your remarkable knowledge of 'orseflesh. Drive you over hisself in the broom and pair, _I_ shouldn't wonder!

_Undershell._ _One_ horse will be quite sufficient. Very well, then. I'll just run up and get my portmanteau, and--and one or two things of mine, and if you will be round at the back entrance--don't trouble to drive up to the _front_ door--as soon as possible, I won't keep you waiting longer than I can help. Good evening, Mr. Adams, and many thanks. (_To himself, as he hurries back to the house._) I've got out of that rather well. Now, I've only to find my way to the Verney Chamber, see this fellow Spurrell, and get my clothes back, and then I can retreat with comfort, and even dignity! These Culverins shall learn that there is at least _one_ poet who will not put up with their insolent patronage!

_Checkley_ (_to_ ADAMS). He _has_ got a cool cheek, and no mistake! But if he waits to be druv over to Shuntingbridge till _I_ come round for him, he'll 'ave to set on that portmanteau of his a goodish time!

_Adams._ He did you pretty brown, I must say. To 'ear you crowing over me when he was on your side. I could 'ardly keep from larfing!

_Checkley._ I see he warn't no vet long afore you, but I let it go on for the joke of it. It was rich to see you a-wanting him to feel the 'oof, and give it out navickler. Well, you got his opinion for what it was wuth, so _you're_ all right!

_Adams._ You think nobody knows anything about 'orses but yourself, you do; but if you're meanin' to make a story out o' this against me, why, I shall tell it _my_ way, that's all!

_Checkley._ It was you he made a fool of, not me--and I can prove it--there!

[_They dispute the point, with rising warmth, for some time._

_Adams_ (_calming down_). Well, see 'ere, Checkley, I dunno, come to think of it, as either on us 'll show up partickler smart over this 'ere job; and it strikes me we'd better both agree to keep quiet about it, eh? (CHECKLEY _acquiesces, not unwillingly_.) And I think I'll take a look in at the 'ousekeeper's-room presently, and try if I can't drop a hint to old Tredwell about that smooth-tongued chap, for it's my belief he ain't down 'ere for no good!