Chapter 1
Produced by Al Haines
LYRA FRIVOLA
BY
A. D. GODLEY
AUTHOR OF "VERSES TO ORDER."
METHUEN & CO.
36 ESSEX STREET, W.C.
LONDON
1900
_Second Edition_
Most of the pieces in this book have appeared in the _St James's Gazette_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _National Observer_. I have to thank the Proprietors of these papers for permission to republish.
A. D. G.
CONTENTS
AFTER HORACE THE JOURNALIST ABROAD VERNAL VERSES PENSÉES DE NOEL AD LECTIONEM SUAM RUBÁIYYÁT OF MODERATIONS LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS PEDAGOGY SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE A DREAM THE SCHOOL of AGRICULTURE THE LAST STRAW THE 1713 AGAINST NEWNHAM QUADRIVIAD, ll. 1-51 MUSICAL DEGREES QUIETA MOVERE GRAECULUS ESURIENS THE ROAD TO RENOWN L'AFFAIRE (CHAPTER ONE) UNSELFISH DEVOTION THE ARREST "THE PLAN OF CAMPAIGN" THE PATRIOT'S "POME" MR MORLEY'S APOLOGY HONESTY REWARDED THE END OF IT A NEW DEPARTURE MULLIGAN ON THE AUSTRIAN PARLIAMENT BROKEN VOWS THE TRUE REMEDY UNITED IRELAND JUSTICE FOR PRIVATE MULVANEY
AFTER HORACE
What asks the Bard? He prays for nought But what the truly virtuous crave: That is, the things he plainly ought To have.
'Tis not for wealth, with all the shocks That vex distracted millionaires, Plagued by their fluctuating stocks And shares:
While plutocrats their millions new Expend upon each costly whim, A great deal less than theirs will do For him;
The simple incomes of the poor His meek poetic soul content: Say, L30,000 at four Per cent.!
His taste in residence is plain: No palaces his heart rejoice: A cottage in a lane (Park Lane For choice)--
Here be his days in quiet spent: Here let him meditate the Muse: Baronial Halls were only meant For Jews,
And lands that stretch with endless span From east to west, from south to north, Are often much more trouble than They're worth!
Let epicures who eat too much Become uncomfortably stout: Let gourmets feel th' approaching touch Of gout,--
The Bard subsists on simpler food: A dinner, not severely plain, A pint or so of really good Champagne--
Grant him but these, no care he'll take Though Laureates bask in Fortune's smile, Though Kiplings and Corellis make Their pile:
Contented with a scantier dole His humble Muse serenely jogs, Remote from scenes where authors roll Their logs:
Far from the madding crowd she lurks, And really cares no single jot Whether the public read her works Or not!
THE JOURNALIST ABROAD
When Parson, Doctor, Don,-- In short, when all the nation Goes gaily off upon Its annual vacation, Their cares professional No more avail to bind them: They go at Pleasure's call And leave their trades behind them.
Like them, departs afar From England's fogs and vapours The literary star, The writer for the papers: But not, like them, at home Leaves he his calling's fetters: Nought can release him from The tyranny of Letters!
When classic scenes amid For rest and peace he hankers, _Amari aliquid_ His joys aesthetic cankers: Whate'er he sees, he knows He has to write upon it A paragraph of prose Or possibly a sonnet:
By mountain lakelets blue, 'Mid wild romantic heath, he's A martyr always to _Scribendi cacoethes_: The Naiad-haunted stream Or lonely mountain-top he Considers as a theme Available for "copy."
If on the sunlit main With ardour rapt he gazes, He's torturing his brain For neat pictorial phrases: When in a ship or boat He navigates the briny (And here 'tis his to quote Examples set by Heine)
While fellow-passengers Lie stretched in mere prostration, He duly registers Each horrible sensation-- He notes his qualms with care, And bids the public know 'em In "Thoughts on Mal de Mer," Or "Nausea: a Poem."
* * * *
Such is his earthly lot: Nor is it wholly certain If Death for him or not Rings down the final curtain, Or if, when hence he's fled To worlds or worse or better, He'll send per Mr St--d A crisp descriptive letter!
VERNAL VERSES
When early worms began to crawl, and early birds to sing, And frost, and mud, and snow, and rain proclaimed the jocund spring, Its all-pervading influence the Poet's soul obeyed-- He made a song to greet the Spring, and this is what he made:--
They sadly lacked enlightenment, our ancestors of old, Who used to suffer simply from an ordinary cold: But we, of Science' mysteries less ignorant by far, Have nothing less distinguished than a Bronchial Catarrh!
O when your head's a lump of lead and nought can do but sneeze: Whene'er in turn you freeze and burn, and then you burn and freeze:-- It does not mean you're going to die, although you think you are-- These are the primal symptoms of a Bronchial Catarrh.
And when you've taken drugs and pills, and stayed indoors a week, Yet still your chest with pain opprest will hardly let you speak: Amid your darksome miseries be this your guiding star-- 'Tis simply the remainder of a Bronchial Catarrh.
In various ways do various men invite misfortune's rods,-- Some row within their College boat,--some Logic read for Mods.: But oh! of all the human ills our happiness that mar I do not know the equal of a Bronchial Catarrh!
PENSÉES DE NOEL
When the landlord wants the rent Of your humble tenement, When the Christmas bills begin Daily, hourly pouring in, When you pay your gas and poor rate, Tip the rector, fee the curate, Let this thought your spirit cheer-- Christmas comes but once a year.
When the man who brings the coal Claims his customary dole: When the postman rings and knocks For his usual Christmas-box: When you're dunned by half the town With demands for half-a-crown,-- Think, although they cost you dear, Christmas comes but once a year.
When you roam from shop to shop, Seeking, till you nearly drop, Christmas cards and small donations For the maw of your relations, Questing vainly 'mid the heap For a thing that's nice, and cheap: Think, and check the rising tear, Christmas comes but once a year.
Though for three successive days Business quits her usual ways, Though the milkman's voice be dumb, Though the paper doesn't come; Though you want tobacco, but Find that all the shops are shut: Bravely still your sorrows bear-- Christmas comes but once a year.
When mince-pies you can't digest Join with waits to break your rest: When, oh when, to crown your woe, Persons who might better know Think it needful that you should Don a gay convivial mood;-- Bear with fortitude and patience These afflicting dispensations: Man was born to suffer here: Christmas comes but once a year.
AD LECTIONEM SUAM
When Autumn's winds denude the grove, I seek my Lecture, where it lurks 'Mid the unpublished portion of My works,
And ponder, while its sheets I scan, How many years away have slipt Since first I penned that ancient man- uscript.
I know thee well--nor can mistake The old accustomed pencil stroke Denoting where I mostly make A joke,--
Or where coy brackets signify Those echoes faint of classic wit Which, if a lady's present, I Omit.
Though Truth enlarge her widening range, And Knowledge be with time increased, While thou, my Lecture! dost not change The least,
But fixed immutable amidst The advent of a newer lore, Maintainest calmly what thou didst Before:
Though still malignity avows That unsuccessful candidates To thee ascribe their frequent ploughs In Greats--
Once more for intellectual food Thou'lt serve: an added phrase or two Will make thee really just as good As new:
And listening crowds, that throng the spot, Will still as usual complain That "Here's the old familiar rot Again!"
RUBÁIYYÁT OF MODERATIONS
I
Wake! for the Nightingale upon the Bough Has sung of Moderations: ay, and now Pales in the Firmament above the Schools The Constellation of the boding Plough.
II
I too in distant Ages long ago To him that ploughed me gave a Quid or so: It was a Fraud: it was not good enough; Ne'er for my Quid had I my Quid pro Quo.
III
Yet--for the Man who pays his painful Pence Some Laws may frame from dark Experience: Still from the Wells of harsh Adversity May Wisdom draw the Pail of Common Sense--
IV
Take these few Rules, which--carefully rehearsed-- Will land the User safely in a First, Second, or Third, or Gulf: and after all There's nothing lower than a Plough at worst.
V
Plain is the Trick of doing Latin Prose, An Esse Videantur at the Close Makes it to all Intents and Purposes As good as anything of Cicero's.
VI
Yet let it not your anxious Mind perturb Should Grammar's Law your Diction fail to curb: Be comforted: it is like Tacitus: Tis mostly done by leaving out the Verb.
VII
Mark well the Point: and thus your Answer fit That you thereto all Reference omit, But argue still about it and about Of This, and That, and T'Other--not of It.
VIII
Say, why should You upon your proper Hook Dilate on Things which whoso cares to look Will find, in Libraries or otherwhere, Already stated in a printed Book?
IX
Keep clear of Facts: the Fool who deals in those A Mucker he inevitably goes: The dusty Don who looks your Paper o'er He knows about it all--or thinks he knows.
X
A Pipe, a Teapot, and a Pencil blue, A Crib, perchance a Lexicon--and You Beside him singing in a Wilderness Of Suppositions palpably untrue--
XI
'Tis all he needs: he is content with these: Not Facts he wants, but soft Hypotheses Which none need take the Pains to verify: This is the Way that Men obtain Degrees!
XII
'Twixt Right and Wrong the Difference is dim: 'Tis settled by the Moderator's Whim: Perchance the Delta on your Paper marked Means that his Lunch has disagreed with him:
XIII
Perchance the Issue lies in Fortune's Lap: For if the Names be shaken in a Cap (As some aver) then Truth and Fallacy No longer signify a single Rap.
XIV
Nay! till the Hour for pouring out the Cup Of Tea post-prandial calls you home to sup, And from the dark Invigilator's Chair The mild Muezzin whispers "Time is Up"--
XV
The Moving Finger writes: then, having writ, The Product of your Scholarship and Wit Deposit in the proper Pigeonhole-- And thank your Stars that there's an End of it!
LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND
When we're daily called to arms by continual alarms, And the journalist unceasingly dilates On the agitating fact that we're soon to be attacked By the Germans, or the Russians, or the States: When the papers all are swelling with a patriotic rage, And are hurling a defiance or a threat, Then I cool my martial ardour with the pacifying page Of the _Oxford University Gazette_.
When I hanker for a statement that is practical and dry (Being sated with sensation in excess, With the vespertinal rumour and the matutinal lie Which adorn the lucubrations of the Press), Then I turn me to the columns where there's nothing to attract, Or the interest to waken and to whet, And I revel in a banquet of unmitigated fact In the _Oxford University Gazette_.
When the Laureate obedient to an editor's decree Puts his verses in the columns of the _Times_; When the endless minor poet in an endless minor key Gives the public his unnecessary rhymes, When you're weary of the poems which they constantly compose, And endeavour their existence to forget, You may seek and find repose in the satisfying prose Of the _Oxford University Gazette_.
In that soporific journal you may stupefy the mind With the influence narcotic which it draws From the Latest Information about Scholarships Combined Or the contemplated changes in a clause: Place me somewhere that is far from the _Standard_ and the _Star_, From the fever and the literary fret,-- And the harassed spirit's balm be the academic calm Of the _Oxford University Gazette_!
THE PARADISE OF LECTURERS
When you might be a name for the world to acclaim, and when Opulence dawns on the view, Why slave like a Turk at Collegiate work for a wholly inadequate screw? Why grind at the trade--insufficiently paid--of instructing for Mods and for Greats, When fortunes immense are diurnally made by a lecturing tour in the States?
Do you know that in scores they will pay at the doors--these millions in darkness who grope-- For a glimpse of Mark Twain or a word from Hall Caine or a reading from Anthony Hope? We are ignorant here of the glorious career which conspicuous talent awaits: Not a master of style but is making his pile by the lectures he gives in the States!
With amazement I hear of the chances they lose--of the simply incredible sums Which a Barrie might have (if he did not refuse) for reciting _A Window in Thrums_: Of the prospects of gain which are offered in vain as a sop to the Laureate's pride: Of the price which I learn Mr Bradshaw might earn by declaiming his excellent Guide.
Columbia! desist from soliciting those who your bribes and petitions contemn: Though plutocrats scorn the rewards you propose, there are others superior to them: Why burden the proud with superfluous pelf, who wealth in abundance possess, When indigent Worth (I allude to myself) would go for substantially less?
For Europe, I know, to oblivion may doom the fruits of my talented brain, But they're perfectly sure of creating a boom in the wilds of Kentucky and Maine: They'll appreciate _there_ my illustrious work on the way to make Pindar to scan, And Culture will hum in the State of New York when I read it my essay on 'An! [1]
I've a scheme, which is this:--I will start for the West as a Limited Lecturing Co., And the public invite in the same to invest to the tune of a million or so: They will all be recouped for initial expense by receiving their share of the "gates," Which I venture to think will be truly immense when I lecture on Prose in the States.
Thus Merit will not be permitted to rot--as it does--on Obscurity's shelf: Thus the national hoard shall with profit be stored (with a trifle of course for myself): For lectures are dear in that fortunate sphere, and are paid for at fabulous rates,-- All the gold of Klondike isn't anything like to the sums that are made in the States!
[1. Transcriber's note: In the original book, the two characters preceding the exclamation mark are the Greek "Alpha" and "nu". They appear to be preceded by the Greek rough-breathing diacritical, making the three characters together rhyme with "Maine", two lines earlier.]
A DIALOGUE ON ETHICS
Said the Isis to the Cherwell in a tone of indignation, "With a blush of conscious virtue your enormities I see: And I wish that a reversal of the laws of gravitation Would prevent your vicious current from contaminating me! With your hedonists who grovel on a cushion with a novel (Which is sure to sap the morals and the intellect to stunt), And the spectacle nefarious of your idle, gay Lotharios Who pursue a mild flirtation in a misdirected punt!"
Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "You may talk about my vices-- But of all the sights of sorrow since the universe began, Just commend me to the patience that can bear the degradations Which inflicted are by Rowing on the dignity of man: The unspeakable reproaches which are lavished by your coaches-- On my sense of what is proper they continually jar"-- ("It is simply _Mos Majorum_--'twas their fathers' way before 'em-- 'Tis a kind of ancient Cussed 'em"--said the Isis to the Cher.)
"Are we men and are we Britons? shall we ne'er obtain a quittance"-- Said the Cherwell to the Isis--"from the tyrants of the oar? O it's Youth in a Canader with the willow boughs to shade her And a chaperone discreetly in attendance (on the shore), O it's cultivated leisure that is life's supremest treasure, Far from athletes merely brutal, and from Philistines afar: I've a natural aversion to gratuitous exertion, And I'm prone to mild flirtation," said the unrepentant Cher.
But in accents of the sternest, "Life is Real: Life is Earnest," (Said the grim rebuking Isis to his tributary stream); "Don't you know the Joy of Living is in honourably Striving, Don't you know the Chase of Pleasure is a vain delusive Dream? When they toil and when they shiver in the tempests on the River, When they're faint and spent and weary, and they have to pull it through, 'Tis in Action stern and zealous that they truly find a _Telos_, [1] Though a moment's relaxation be afforded them by you!"
Said the Cherwell to the Isis, "When the trees are clad in greenness, When the Eights are fairly over, and it's drawing near Commem., It is Ver and it is Venus that shall judge the case between us, And I think for all your maxims that you won't compete with them! Then despite their boasted virtue shall your athletes all desert you (Come to me for information if you don't know where they are): For it's _ina scholaxomen_ [2] that's the proper end of Woman And of Man--at least in summer," said the easy-going Cher.
[1. Transcriber's note: The word "Telos" was transliterated from the Greek characters Tau, epsilon, lambda, omicron, and sigma.]
[2. Transcriber's note: The two words "ina scholaxomen" were transliterated from Greek as follows: "ina"--iota (possibly accompanied by the rough-breathing diacritical), nu, alpha; "scholaxomen"--sigma, chi, omicron, lambda, alpha (possibly with the soft-breathing diacritical), xi, omega, mu, epsilon, nu.]
PEDAGOGY
Our fathers on the pedagogue held sentiments irrational, Curricula for training him 'twas never theirs to know, And when he taught the way he ought, by genius educational, They gave their thanks to Providence, who made him do it so. But our developed intellect and keener perspicacity Has all reduced to system now and _a priori_ rule: We've altogether ceased to trust in natural capacity, And pin alone our faith upon a Pedagogy School.
Don't talk to me of knowledge gained by base experience practical (A thing that's wholly obsolete and laid upon the shelf): Don't waste your time in aiming at exactitude syntactical, Or hold that he who teaches Greek should know that Greek himself: For if you wish to face the truth, and fact no more to see awry-- Who strives to wake the dormant mind of unreceptive imps Need only read the works of Rein on Education's Theory And study the immortal tomes of Ziegler and De Guimps!
Whene'er of old a boy was dull or quite adverse to knowledge, he Was set an imposition or corrected with a switch: Far different our practice is, who reign by Methodology And guide the dunce by precepts learnt from Landon or from Fitch: 'Twas difficult by rule of thumb to check unseemly merriment, To make your class their pastor treat with proper due regard-- 'Tis easy quite for specialists in Juvenile Temperament, Who know the books on Punishment and also on Reward!
There's no demand for authors now of erudite _opuscula_, For Wranglers or for Science men or linguists of repute: No cricketers can gain a post by mere distinction muscular, No Socker Blues can hope to teach the young idea to Shoot: Read Lange his Psychology--Didactics of Comenius-- By works like these and only these your prudent mind prepare: For if you've nought but scholarship or independent genius You'd better far adopt the Bar and make your fortune there!
O all ye ancient dominies whose names are writ in history-- Shade of the late Orbilius, and ghost of Dr Parr, Howe'er you got your fame of old--the reason's wrapt in mystery-- Where'er you be, I hope you see how obsolete you are! 'Tis Handbooks make the Pedagogue: O great, eternal verity! O fact of which our ancestors could ne'er obtain a glimpse! But we'll proclaim the truth abroad and noise it to posterity, Our watchword a curriculum--our shibboleth DE GUIMPS!
SONG FOR THE NAVY LEAGUE
(Dedicated without permission to LORD CHARLES BERESFORD.)
O where be all those mariners bold who used to control the sea, The Admiral great and the bo'sun's mate and the skipper who skipped so free? O what has become of our midshipmites, the terror of every foe, And the captain brave who dares the wave when the stormy winds do blow?
CHORUS
_For the tar may roam, but the tar comes home to wherever his home may be, With a Yo, heave ho, and a _o e to_, [1] and a Master of Arts Degree_!
They have gone to imbibe the classical lore of Learning's ancient seat (They are sadly at sea in the classics as yet, though _classis_ is Latin for fleet), It is there you will find those naval men, by the Isis and eke the Cher., For Scholarship is the only ship that is fit for a bold Jack Tar.
He has bartered his rum for a coach and a crib, at the First Lord's stern decree, And he learns the use of the rocket and squib (which are useful as lights at sea): And they train him in part of the nautical art, as much as a landsman can, For they teach him to paddle the gay canoe, and to row the rash randan.
Should he e'er be inclined his Tutors and Deans to look with contempt upon (Observing the maxims of Raleigh and Drake, who never thought much of a Don), Let him think there are things in the nautical line that even a Don can do, For only too well are examiners versed in the way to plough the Blue!
Though a Captain _per se_ is an excellent thing for repelling his country's foes, He is better by far, as an engine of war, with a knowledge of Logic and Prose: And a bold A.B. is the nation's pride, in his rude uncultured way, But prouder still will the nation be when he's also a bold B.A.!
CHORUS
For the Horse Marine will be Tutor and Dean, in the glorious days to be, With his Yo, heave ho, and his _o e to_, [1] and a Master of Arts degree!
[1. Transcriber's note: the character group "o e to" was transliterated from the Greek characters omicron (with the rough-breathing diacritical), eta (with the rough-breathing diacritical), tau, and omicron (with the soft-breathing diacritical).]
A DREAM
In sleep the errant phantasy, No more by sense imprisoned, Creates what possibly might be But actually isn't: And this my tale is past belief, Of truth and reason emptied, 'Tis fiction manifest--in brief I was asleep, and dreamt it.
I met a man by Isis' stream, Whose phrase discreet and prudent, Whose penchant for a learned theme Proclaimed the Serious Student: I never knew a scholar who Could more at ease converse on The latest _Classical Review_ Than that superior person.
He spoke of books--all manly sports He deemed but meet for scoffing: He did not know the Racquet Courts-- He'd never heard of golfing-- Professors ne'er were half so wise, Nor Readers more sedate! He was--I learnt with some surprise-- An undergraduate.