Chapter 3

We're up now to where we can hear the noise of the big 75's as they pound the Boches from their trenches and have gotten so used to it that we can't sleep without it. Every once in a while we see the ambulances comin in, and a lot of the boys have to be watched to keep em from trying to beat it back into the trenches again. We heard yesterday Julie, about a detachment who went over the top and the commanding officer told em not to go beyond a certain objective during the first half hour; when the half hour was up they wuz a half mile beyond the objective. When the major of the battalion bawled out the company commander, he yelled back at him "H---- if the Crown Prince's men couldn't stop 'em what chance had I to stop 'em?" That's whats winning this hi' ol' scrap Julie--we hit em first and apologise afterward.

Some of our boys was sayin to-day that they thought the war would soon be over, and when I ast Skinny about it, he allowed as how that meant fer single guys only; that the war would go on fer married men just the same. Corporal Louie Heinlein sez that song "Here cums the bride is the greatest battle song of all" and Louie has had a lot of experience with "Janes." But with you and me Julie dere, that will be sumpin else again.

Yours till people keep their New Year's resolutions until Valentines day,

BARNEY.

Dere Julie,

At last I have smelt the smoke of battel, and fer the third time since I joined the colors you don't know how near you've been to cashing that 10 thou. insurance policy. You would have cashed it fer sure this time, if it hadn't been fer a despised cooty; never again will yours truly be hard on 'em.

I have one that I'm gonna retire on a penshun. It wuz like this. Our regiment wuz called upon to go into the front line trenches and while I was peepin over the top, one of them pesky "seam squirrels" commenced bitin the back of my neck. I bent my head for'd to reach over on the back of my neck to pick him off, at one and the same time a sniper cut loose at me from a big tree just outside the line of Fritzies trenches; had my head been where it was before I started to get the cooty, it would have been fare-thee-well Barney, so I just put Mr. Lifesaver back, and, as before stated, I'm gonna put him on a penshun.

Believe you me derie, the way our boys made that sniper climb down out of that tree would make Tarzan of the apes have a hemorage, and turn green with envy; he shinned down that landscape decorashun like as if it was greased.

Well derie, when we first swore our way into the army, I thought Skinny was a coward; I figgered if he ever got in a regular scrap with Bill the Twicers hired patriots his knees would knock together like a pair of castnets played by a Spanish bull fiter; but I take it all back, Skinny in battel is a whole team and a cross dog under the waggin. It came about like this. We was bein bumbarded by the Fritzies in the most approved style and believe you me derie, the shells and shrapnels was flyin round and over our heads thicker than hungry bums around a free lunch counter; all to once Skinny commenced to get a bad case of the hecups. I didn't say anything to him as I was busy with a little party of my own when all to once he yells to me, "Say Barney, fer Heavens sake do somethin to scare me so I can get rid of these d---- hecups." So you see Julie dere, you never can tell by the looks of a frog how fer it can jump.

This lil' old scrap has brung out a lot of cases like Skinny's; fellers in civil life that you think wouldn't have the sand to get manicured, or ther hair cut without takin cloroform, are puttin themselves on the map faster than towns on newly opened Government land. Even the married men in our regiment are gettin so "Spiffy" that I believe they'll have sand enough to talk back to friend wif when they get back home.

Yours until they make bottles without false bottoms.

BARNEY.

Dere Julie,

Well Julie, a courier has just horned his way into camp with the "info" that this lil ol' scrap is over, and I've lost an other chance to be a hero; but I'm not gonna go round making a noise like a dill pickel, just because I didn't get no show to give the Fritzies a upper cut. I'd rather be a live simp Julie, than a dead hero, any day.

Its better for me ennyhow, to say "there he goes, than here he lies." Believe you me derie, I've saw enuff of the damage these Boch pills can do, to know that a boob who tries to stop one of 'em with his frame, has no more chance than a 10 cent piece of ice when the thermometer is 99 plus in the shade, or a scuttle of suds in a Bowery gin mill.

Well Ol' dear, she's over, and I didn't get a chance to croak a single Fritzie. My ol' man had better luck in the civil war. He was out one hot nite with a foraging party and they run into a confed ambuscade, a big fat Johnny Reb took after my old man and the chase was nip and tuck fer about 2 miles. Just when the ol' gent had give himself as lost, he saw over his shoulder the confed fall down in a heap and die from being overheated. But at last Julie dere, we have made the world safe fer the Democrats, so you can kill the cow's young son fer little bright eyes as they did fer that young high roller mentioned in the Bible. If veal is top high in the good ol' U.S.A., I'll be satisfied with a table-dee-hoty dinner at the Cafe Des Enfants (meaning Child's Restaurant), I'm not particular Julie, so long as every course is served with your smilin face opposite. The more I see of the "Janes" over here the better I like the Julies over there. I've saw 'em all and not a one can hold a tallow candle up a dark alley to my own Julie. In the language of the poet

You can talk of English women Who like there beef and beer; Of Italy's black haired beauties Who love there land so dere; Of Spanish turtle doves Who sing of wealth and love; But give me the U.S. Girl She wins my esteem Fer everytime you kiss her You get the flavor of--Boston Pork & Beans!

Skinny has just arrove back in camp from the trenches and got the news about the sining of the armistice. He was caked with mud from hed to foot, which he said he didn't mind till our captin complimented him on holdin all the ground they took yesterday. I guess Skinny thot he was bein kidded. I made him pull off his clothes in jig time fer if he'd ever get caught out in the rain like that he would have suffered a landslide.

Well derie, I don't suppose an other letter will reach you before "Yours truly" so I can't say if I will rite again or not; enny-ways on our way back across the ol' Atlantic we wont have to look out fer any of William the Twicers tin fish, and when I get back to the land of the free and the home of the brave, I'm gonna be afraid to get on a ferry boat fer fear she might head across the ocean. And now Julie, fare-thee-well until I hold you in my arms again,

Yours until married men have alibyes there wives believe

BARNEY.

P.S. I've just learned our regiment is to leave for home at once, so plug the push button on that guys bell in the hallway.

End of Project Gutenberg's Love Letters of a Rookie to Julie, by Barney Stone