Part 2

_How widely different, Goldsmith, are the ways Of doctors now, and those of ancient days! Theirs taught the truth in academic shades, Ours haunt lewd hops, and midnight masquerades! So chang'd the times! say philosophic sage, Whose genius suits so well this tasteful age, Is the Pantheon, late a sink obscene, Become the fountain of chaste Hippocrene? Or do thy moral numbers quaintly flow Inspir'd by th' Aganippe of Soho?_

For who like him will patch and pilfer plays, Yielding to me the profit and the praise? Tho' cheap in French translations MURPHY deals; For cheap he well may vend the goods he steals; Tho' modest CRADDOC scorns to sell his play, But gives the good-for-nothing thing away; What tho' the courtly CUMBERLAND succeeds In writing stuff no man of letters reads; Tho' sense and language are expell'd the stage; For nonsense pleases best a senseless age; What tho' the author of the New Bath Guide Up to the skies my talents late hath cried;[19]

NOTES.

_Do wisdom's sons gorge cates and vermicelli Like beastly Bickerstaff or bothering Kelly? Or art thou tir'd of th' undeserv'd applause Bestow'd on bards affecting virtue's cause? Wouldst thou, like Sterne, resolv'd at length to thrive, Turn pimp and die cock-bawd at sixty-five, Is this the good that makes the humble vain, The good philosophy should not disdain If so, let pride dissemble all it can, A modern sage is still much less than man._

MORNING CHRONICLE.

[19] The compliments passed between these celebrated geniuses indeed were mutual; Mr. A. commending ROSCIUS for his fine acting, and Roscius in return Mr. A. for his fine writing. The panegyric on both sides was equally modest and just; and yet some snarling epigrammatist could not forbear throwing out the following ill-natured jeu d'esprit on the occasion.

On the poetical compliments lately passed between Mess. G. and A.

_When mincing masters, met with misses, Pay mutual compliments for kisses; Miss Polly sings no doubt divinely, And master Jacky spouts as finely. But, how I hate such odious greeting, When two old stagers have a meeting Foh! out upon the filthy pother! What!_ men _beslobber one another!_

Tho' humble HIFFERNAN in pay, I keep, Still my fast friend, when he is fast asleep; Tho' long the Hodmandod my friend hath been, With the land-tortoise earth'd at Turnham-Green:[20] Tho' HARRY WOODFALL, BALDWIN, EVANS, SAY,[21] My puffs in fairest order full display;

NOTES.

[20] Two amphibious monsters, well known in the republic of letters as editors of the Critical and Monthly Reviews. The latter seems to be compared by the poet to a land-tortoise buried in the earth, on account of the slowness of its motion and the clouds of dust and dullness with which it is surrounded: the former hath been long known by the above appellation from the following humorous description.

LUSUS NATURÆ TYPOGRAPHUS.

Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen ademptum.

VIRG.

I thought some of Nature's journeymen had made men, and not made them well; they imitated humanity so abominably

SHAKESPEARE.

_In Nature's workshop, on a day, Her journeymen inclin'd to play, Half drunk 'twixt cup and can, Took up a clod, which she with care Was modelling a huge sea bear, And swore they'd make't a man._

_They tried, but, handling ill their tools, Formed, like a pack of bungling fools, A thing so gross and odd; That, when it roll'd about the dish, They knew not if 'twere flesh or fish, A man or Hodmandod._

_Yet, to compleat their piece of fun, They christen'd it Arch Hamilton; "But what can this thing do?" Kick it down stairs; the devil's in't If it won't do to write and print The Critical Review._

KENRICK.

[21] Editors and printers of news-papers, well known to the public for their impartiality in regard to ROSCIUS.

Impartially insert each friendly PRO, Suppressing ever CON of every foe;[22] For well I ween, they wot that _cons_ and _pros_ Will tend my faults and follies to expose: Tho' mighty TOM doth still my champion prove, And LOCKYER's gauntlet be a chicken glove.

NOTES.

[22] A recent instance of this must not pass unnoticed. In the Public Advertiser appeared lately the following quaint panegyric, suggested probably to ROSCIUS himself by his brother GEORGE the attorney.

Nature } against } Notice of Process. G---- }

_Dame Nature against G---- now by me Her action brings, and thus she grounds her plea. "I never made a man but still You acted like that man at will; Yet ever must I hope in vain To make a man like you again." Hence ruin'd totally by you, She brings her suit, &c. &c._

B. Solicitor for the Plaintiff.

In reply to this notice, it is said, the _defendant's plea_ would have appeared in the same paper; but the cause was obliged to be removed by _certiorari_ to another court; when it appeared thus:

Nature } against } Defendant's Plea. G---- }

_For G---- I without a fee 'Gainst Nature thus put in his plea. "To make a man, like me, of art, Is not, 'tis true, dame Nature's part; I own that Scrub, fool, knave I've play'd With more success than all my trade; But prove it, plaintiff, if you can, That e'er I acted like a man." Of this we boldly make denial.---- Join issue, and proceed to trial._

A. Attorney for the Defendant.

Tho' shambling BECKET,[23] proud to soothe my pride, Keeps ever shuflling on my right-hand side; What tho' with well-tim'd flatt'ry, loud he cries, At each theatric stare, "See, see his eyes!" What tho' he'll fetch and carry at command, And kiss, true spaniel-like, his master's hand; With admiration NYK ne'er heard me speak, But press'd the kiss of love upon my cheek;[24] Incessant clapp'd at th'end of every speech; And, had I bidd'n him, would have kiss'd my b----! Let me no longer, then, my loss deplore, But to his ROSCIUS, Muse, my NYK restore. But hah! what discord strikes my listening ear? Is NYKY dead, or is some critic near? Curse on that Ledger and that damn'd Whitehall,[25] How players and managers they daily maul!

IMITATIONS.

Ducite ab urbe domum mea carmina ducite Daphnim.

NOTES.

[23] The famous THOMAS A BECKET, feigned by the poets to have been drown'd, when, being half-seas over, in claret, he endeavoured to return to land: on which occasion a wicked wit of the town made the following epitaph for his tomb.

_Here lies That shuffling, shambling, shrugging, shrinking shrimp, Tom Becket, Mammon's most industrious imp!_

[24] A customary method it seems, of NYKY's expressing his admiration of the acting of the immortal ROSCIUS.

[25] News-papers so called, in which ROSCIUS is not a sharer, and hath not yet come up to the price of their silence.

Curse on that Morning-Chronicle; whose tale Is never known with spightful wit to fail. Curse on that FOOTE; who in ill-fated hour Trod on the heels of my theatric-power; Who, ever ready with some biting joke, My peace hath long and would my heart have broke. Curse on his horse--one leg! but ONE to break! "A kingdom for a horse"--to break his neck! Curse on that STEVENS,[26] with his Irish breeding, While I am acting, shall that wretch be reading? Curse on all rivals, or in fame or profit; The Fantoccini still make something of it![27]

NOTES.

[26] GEORGE ALEXANDER STEVENS the lecturer, not the Macaroni editor of Shakespeare.

[27] What formidable rivals to the immortal ROSCIUS? Harlequin, Scaramouch, Chimney-sweeper, Bass-viol, Astrologer, Child, Statue and Parrot! But ROSCIUS having received a formal challenge from Mr. Punch and his merry family, a pitch'd-battle, for which great preparations are now making, will be fought between them next winter; when there is no doubt but the triumphant ROSCIUS will, even at their own weapons, rout them all. There is the less reason to fear this, as he hath already exceeded even Mr.---- 's activity in King Richard. It is but three or four years ago since this mock-monarch died so tamely that he was hissed off the stage; on which occasion the following epigram appeared in the papers.

ROSCIUS REDIVIVUS.

_George! did'nt I hear the critics hiss, When I was dead?--"Yes, brother, yes, You did not die in high rant." Nay, if they think a dying king Like Harlequin convuls'd, should spring, Let ---- be hence their tyrant._

Curse on that KENRICK,[28] with his caustic pen, Who scorns the hate, and hates the love of MEN; Who with such ease envenom'd satire writes, Deeper his ink than aqua fortis[29] bites. Stand his perpetual-motion[30] ever still; Or, if it move, oh, let it move uphill. The curse of Sisiphus, oh, let him feel; The curse of Fortune's still recurring wheel;

NOTES.

ROSCIUS, however, hath chang'd his mind, and acquired new elastic powers; in so much that the following complimentary verses appeared on the agility, which he lately displayed in the performance of that character.

_Be dumb, ye criticks, dare to hiss no more While crowded boxes, pit and galleries roar. Who says that Roscius feels the hand of Time, To blast his blooming laurels in their prime? With ever supple limbs and pliant tongue, Roscius, like Hebe, will be ever young. See and believe your eyes----did e'er you see So great a feat of pure agility? Nor Hughes nor Astley, vaulting in the air, Like Roscius makes the struck spectators stare. Nor Lun nor Woodward ever gave the spring, He gave last night in Richard, dying king! Th' immortal actor, who can die so clever, In spite of fate will live to die for ever!_

[28]

A Briton blunt, bred to plain mathematics, Who hates French b--gres, and Italian pathics.

[29] The plaintive ROSCIUS seems here to have an eye to the following lines:

_The wits who drink water, and suck sugar-candy, Impute the strong spirit of_ Kenrick _to brandy. They are not so much out: the matter in short is He sips_ aqua-vitæ _and spits_ aqua-fortis.

PUBLIC ADV.

[30] This multifarious genius pretends to have discovered the Perpetual motion, but it must be a mere pretence; as he is weak enough to think the public ought to reward him for his discovery, and offers to disclose it on the simple terms of no purchase no pay.

That upward roll'd with anxious toil and pain, The summit almost gain'd, rolls back again. Ne'er shall his FALSTAFF[31] come again to life; Ne'er shall be play'd again his WIDOW'D WIFE;[32] Ne'er will I court again his stubborn Muse, But for a pageant would his play refuse. While puff and pantomime will gull the town, 'Tis good to keep o'erweening merit down; With BICKERSTAFF and CUMBERLAND go shares, And grind the poets as I grind the players.

IMITATIONS.

Aut petes aut urges ruiturum, Sysiphe, saxum.

NOTES.

[31] Falstaff's Wedding, a play written in imitation of Shakespeare; at first rejected, as unfit for the theatre, on account of having so many of Shakespeare's known characters in it; tho' the manager himself afterwards brought on a pageant, in which were almost all Shakespeare's known characters; when finding it difficult to make any of them speak with propriety, he contented himself with instructing them to bite their thumbs, screw up their mouths, and make faces at each other, to the great edification of the audience.--This play indeed was afterwards performed, and tho' received with the most confirmed and general applause, has however never since been acted, either for the author's emolument or the entertainment of the publick.

[32] Another comedy, nearly under the same predicament with respect to the town: having been performed but once since its first run, tho' received with similar approbation; the manager in the mean while having brought on, and repeatedly acted, the performances of his favourite play-wrights, to almost empty houses: and yet ROSCIUS hath all the while pretended to have the highest opinion of the talents, and the greatest regard for the interest of the writer.---- The manager claims a legal right, indeed, as patentee, to perform what plays he pleases; but tho' the play-house and patent be his property, he has no liberal right to make, at pleasure, a property of the players, the poets and the publick!

Curse on that KENRICK, foul of spleen and whim! What are my puffs, and what my gains to him? If poor and proud, can he of right complain That wealthier men and wittier are as vain? Why must he hint that I am past my prime, To blast my fading laurels ere their time? Death to my fame, and what, alas, is worse, 'Tis death, damnation, to my craving purse; Capacious purse! by PLUTUS form'd to hold, (The God of Wealth) the devil and all of gold. Insatiate purse, that never yet ran o'er, But swallows all, and gapes, like Hell, for more. And yet, alas! how much the world will lye! They call me miser; but no miser I; He, brooding o'er his bags, delighted sits, And laughs to scorn the jests of envious wits; If fast his doors, he sets his heart at rest, And dotes with rapture on his iron chest; No galling paper-squibs his spirits teize, But ev'n the boys may hoot him if they please. He scorns the whistling of an empty name, While I am torn 'twixt avarice and fame;

IMITATIONS.

Sordidus ac dives, populi contemnere voces Si solitus: populus me sibilat: at mihi plaudo Ipse domi, simul ac nummos contemplor in arcâ.

While I, so tremblingly alive all o'er, Still bleed and agonize at every pore; At ev'ry hiss am harrow'd up with fear, And burst with choler at a critic's sneer. Rack'd by the gout and stone, and struck with age, Prudence and Ease advise to quit the stage; But Fame still prompts, and Pride can feel no pain; And Avarice bids me sell my soul for gain. Bring NYKY back, O Muse! by verse divine, The Trojan-Greeks were once transformed to swine. By verse divine B----TTI 'scap'd the rope: Now love is known, what may not lovers hope! Ev'n as with _Griffins_[33] stallions late have join'd With blood-hounds goats may litter, as in kind;

IMITATIONS.

Ducite ab urbe domum, mea carmina ducite Daphnim: Carminibus Circe socios mutavit Ulyssei: Carmina vel coelo possunt deducere lunam. Nunc scio quid sit amor---- ---- ---- quid non speremus amantes? Jungentur jam _Gryphes_ equis, ævoque sequenti Cum canibus timidi venient ad pocula damæ. Torva leæna lupum sequitur, lupus ipse capellam, Te Corydon, O Alexis: trahit sua quemque voluptas.

NOTES.

[33] Unnatural monsters, familiar only with the poets.

Nay wanton kids devouring wolves may greet, And wolves with loving lyonesses meet. By different means is different love made known. And each fond lover will prefer his own. Strange lot of love! two friends, my soul's delight, Men call that M----r, this a Catamite! Yet bring him back; for who chaste roundelay Shall sing, now B--ST--FF is driv'n away? Who now correct, for modest Drury-lane, Loose Wycherly's or Congreve's looser vein? With nice decorum shunning naughty jokes, Exhibit none but decent, dainty folks?[34] Ah me! how wanton wit will shame the stage, And shock this delicate, this virtuous age!

NOTES.

[34] NYKY was employed by ROSCIUS to correct the Plain-dealer of Wycherly; which he accordingly attempted, and inscribed the attempt to his patron, "as a tribute of _affection_ and esteem for his many shining and _amiable_ qualities." "The licentiousness of Wycherly's muse," says this modern corrector, "rendered her shocking to us, with all her charms: or, in other words, we could allow no charms in a tainted beauty, who brought contagion along with her." Of the play of the Plain-dealer, in particular, he intimates that it had been long excluded the theatre; because, to the honour of the present age, it was immoral and indecent: that on a close examination, he found in it excessive obscenity; that the character of Manly was rough even to outrageous brutality; and that he thought it necessary to work the whole materials up again, with a mixture of alloy agreeable to the rules of modern refinement! SEE PREFACE TO B---- FF'S PLAIN-DEALER. What a champion for decency and delicacy, morality and humanity! What improvement may not sterling wit receive from the mixture of such alloy! What an idea may we not hence acquire of modern refinement!

How will _Plain-dealers_[35] triumph, to my sorrow! And PAPHOS rise o'er SODOM and GOMORRAH!

NOTES.

[35] A character thus admirably depicted by Wycherly, in the scene between Manly and Plausible.

_Manly._ I have more of the mastiff than the spaniel in me, I own it: I cannot fawn, and fetch and carry; neither will I ever practise that servile complaisance, which some people pique themselves on being masters of.---- I will not whisper my contempt or hatred; call a man fool or knave by signs and mouths, over his shoulder; while I have him in my arms: I will not, as you do----

_Plausible._ As I do! Heaven defend me! upon my honour! I never attempted to abuse or lessen any one in my life.

_Manly._ What! you were afraid?

_Plausible._ No: but seriously I hate to do a rude thing. No, faith, I speak well of all mankind.

_Manly._ I thought so: but know that this is the worst sort of detraction, for it takes away the reputation of the few good men in the world by making all alike! Now I speak ill of many men, because they deserve it.

APPENDIX.

Certain circumstances, to which the author of the foregoing piece was an utter stranger, having happened about the time of its publication, and given rise to rumours equally false and foreign to the party; it appears that Roscius, or some of his friends, was pleased to insert the following queries in the Morning Chronicle of July 2d.

"Candour presents her compliments to Mr.----, she begs his pardon,---- to Dr.---- _Kenrick_, and desires to ask him a few simple questions; to which, if he be the _Plain-dealer_ he pretends, he will give a plain and direct answer.

_Query_ I. Whether you are not the author of the eclogue, entitled, _Love in the Suds_, as well as of the letter prefixed to it?

II. Whether you did not mean, though you have artfully evaded the law, by affecting the translation of a classical cento, to throw out the most scandalous insinuations against the character of Roscius?

III. Whether you were not likewise the author of an infamous, anonymous paragraph in a public paper; for which that paper is under a just prosecution?

IV. Whether you have not openly acknowledged notwithstanding, that you really entertained a very different opinion of Roscius?

V. Whether any cause of dispute, that might subsist between you and Roscius, can authorize so cruel, so unmanly an attack?

VI. Whether the brother of Roscius did not personally wait on you to require, in his name, the satisfaction of a gentleman, which you refused him?

CANDOUR."

To these queries, the author judged it expedient to make the following reply in the same paper of July 4th.

To CANDOUR.

MADAM,

"Though I think your signature a misnomer, to shew that I a no stranger to the name and quality you assume, I shall not stand on the punctilio of your being an _anonymous_ querist; but answer your several questions explicitly.

I. I am the author of the eclogue you mention.

II. I did not mean to throw out the _most_ scandalous insinuations on the character of Roscius, nor any insinuation _more_ scandalous than his conduct. How far that has been so, he knows best, and is left to make the application.

III. An _infamous_ paragraph I _cannot_ write; and an _anonymous_ one I _will not_ write, to prejudice my greatest enemy. As to that in question, I have not, to this hour, even seen it. CALUMNY I _detest_; but I think _vice_ should be exposed to _infamy_, nor have I so much _false delicacy_ as to conceive, it should be treated with _tenderness_ in proportion as it is _abominable_.

IV. I have not acknowledged that I entertain a _very different_ opinion of Roscius; on the contrary, I declare, that I entertain a _very indifferent_ opinion of him.

V. As to the cause of our dispute, I should be very ready to submit it to the publick, were I egotist enough to think it deserved their attention.

VI. The brother of Roscius _did personally wait_ on me, to desire I would meet "him, the said Roscius, who would bring a friend with him; I being at liberty to do the same;" but as nothing of time, place, or weapon was mentioned, I did not look on this message as a challenge; nor well could I, as I never heard of requiring _gentleman's satisfaction_ by _letter of attorney_, and the professed end of our meeting turned merely on a matter of business.--It is possible, indeed, the messenger, otherwise instructed, might _imagine_ it such, especially as, it seems, his head has teemed with nothing but challenges and duels, since his magnanimous monomachy with one of his brother Roscius's candle-snuffers.--That Roscius himself, however, did not mean to send me a challenge, is plain, from his solliciting afterwards by letter, a conference in the presence only of a common friend to both: a request that would have been complied with, had not he thought proper, in a most ungentleman-like manner, to make a confidant, in the meantime, of a booby of a bookseller, who had the folly and impudence to declare that he would, on _his_ [Roscius's] account, _take an opportunity_ to do _me_ some desperate mischief.--Lest I should be yet supposed, from the purport of this last query, to have any fear of a personal encounter with the doughty Roscius, I require only that it may be on an equal footing. I am neither so extravagantly fond of life, nor think myself so consequential in it, as to fear the end of it from such an antagonist; nor, to say the truth, should I have any qualms of conscience, if nothing less will satisfy him, about putting an end to so insignificant a being as his: but, as "the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong," it is but right to provide against a mishap. Roscius has a large fortune, and little or no family to leave it to: I have a large family, and little or no fortune to leave it. Let Roscius but previously settle _only half_ his estate on my heirs, on condition that _he_ deprives them of a protector, and I will meet him to-morrow, and engage at his own weapons, not only him, but his brother George into the bargain.[36]

And now, Madam CANDOUR, give me leave to ask _you_ a question or two, in my turn.

[36] The above pleasantry being misconstrued by some of Roscius's friends to the disadvantage of the author, the latter thought himself under the necessity of seriously acquainting the former, of his being ready, as he is, at any time, to give him such satisfaction as a gentleman, who supposes himself injured, has a right to require.

_Qu._ I. Whether, from many gross instances of misbehaviour, _Roscius_ hath not long had sufficient reason to suspect the detestable character of _Nyky_?

II. Whether, therefore, granting Roscius to be himself _immaculate_, he is excusable for his notorious partialities to such a character?