Part 2

"Well, then, in memory of your advent, it shall be No. 11 too," and he quietly pushed the bottle across the table. So agreeable was he that Abe rallied, and the second bottle followed the fate of the first. On renewing the conversation after dinner, the trader was satisfied that Abe had 'lots' of 'horse sense,' but little of worldly experience, and he friendlily invited him to go out with him as a clerk; but, Abe declined. Had he gone--what? Perhaps he might have become a respectable Indian trader--perhaps he never had been elected President, and perhaps we would have had no rebellion.

A Severe Retort.

Uncle Abe took a great liking to the late Col. Ellsworth, and afterwards did him the honor of making a Colonel of him. The rebel Jackson did the rest, but enough of that. Many of our readers will recall the slim, spruce figure of Col. Ellsworth as he paraded the streets of Springfield, dressed in a unique Zouave uniform, a mere boy in appearance. He was full of animal spirits. He and Bob O'Lincoln were cutting up didoes in the Law office of Lincoln and Hornden, which greatly annoyed Uncle Abe, and he gently reproved them. Bob, a little nettled, replied by quoting the common couplet:

``"A little nonsense now and then,

``Is relished by the wisest men."

"Yes," said Uncle Abe, looking severely at Bob, "that's the difference between a wise man and a fool who relishes it all the time."

Bob subsided, and Ellsworth betook himself anew to Blackstone.

Had all the Time there Was.

When Uncle Abe used to attend the Courts in the regions round about Sangamon, he generally made easy stays, and was wont to look at the country and talk to the people at his leisure. On one occasion he was riding by the premises of old H------, who was notorious for his unthriftiness, and who was in the act of driving some stray hogs out of his corn-field.

"Good morning, Mr. H------," said Uncle Abe.

"Morning, Mr. Lincoln, morning."

"Why don't you mend that piece of fence thoroughly, Mr. H------, and keep the pigs out?" asked Uncle Abe.

"Ha'n't got time," said H------.

"Why," said Uncle Abe, with an air of blended reproof and humor, "you've got all the time there is Mr. H------."

Whether H------ mended his fence and his thriftless habits, this deponent knoweth not; but has often thought how true was the remark, whether as a joke or an admonition. Every second, minute or hour is ours--ours to use or ours to squander. How wontonly wasteful would be the rich man who should stand upon a vessel's deck and cast his million golden coins into the sea; yet day after day we stand upon the shores of eternity, and cast the golden moments into the unreturning past. All the knowledge and wealth of the world is but the result of improved time. So don't say you "havn't got time," for you've got all there is, as Uncle Abe says.

Could Stand it a Day or Two,

About the time this occurred, there stood on one side of Capitol Square, in Springfield, a Hotel, now doubtless out of memory of most of the occupants of the out-lots and additions which speculators have hitched to the original village. In its day it was a "first-class hotel," but it waned before the "American" and is now among the "things that were." There were some who doubted the cleanliness of the _cuisine_, and "thereby hangs a tale."

Judge Brown arrived in town and put up at the aforesaid hotel, whereat, Uncle Abe, on meeting him, expressed his regret, begging him to become _his_ guest. The Judge would fain not trouble his friend.

"But you know the reputation of the place--the kitchen?" said Uncle Abe.

"I've heard of it," said the Judge; "but as I want to keep my appetite, I always shun the kitchen, if not the cooks."

"But surely, can't you see by the table alone, Judge?"

"I know, Mr. Lincoln, but I'm going to stop only a day or two, and I guess I can stand for that time what the landlord's family stand all their lives."

Speaking of Hotels, reminds me of a little episode of one of Uncle Abe's professional visits to Cairo, in Egypt, a town fenced in with mud-banks and celebrated for its mud-holes and mean whisky. Thereabouts is a Hotel, and thereat Uncle Abe stopped because the water forbade further traveling. When his bill was presented to him next morning, he ventured to remark, "that his accommodation had not been of the most agreeable kind."

"We are very much crowded," apologetically replied the landlord.

"But I had hard work to get breakfast this morning."

"Yes," continued the apologist, "we are greatly in need of help."

"Well, well," said Uncle Abe, "you keep a first rate hotel in one respect."

"Ah!" said the landlord, brightening up, "in what respect is that?"

"Your bills," said Undo Abe, vanishing towards the "Central" cars.

The Ky-ro-ite landlord perhaps thought he ought to be well compensated for keeping a hotel in such a place. A man of his sort used to "keep tavern" in Pasy County, Indiana, several years ago. A pedestrian stopped with him over night, for which the charge was 2.50.

"Why, landlord," said he, "this is an outrageous bill."

"You mean it's a big'un?" said the insatiate Boniface.

"Yes, I do."

"Well, stranger, we keep tavern here."

"What has that to do with such a bill?"

"Look at that'ere sign, stranger--cost ten dollars; your'n the fust trav'ler that's bin along for three weeks, and we can't afford to keep tavern for nothin--_we_ can't!"

Not the Worst of it.

Gov. Morgan, of New York, was urging the employment of General W------in active service, Seward objected, that he was "too old" for the emergency of the times.

"Yes," said Uncle Abe, "we've got too many old officers in the army, and that is not the worst of it--_we've got two many old women_ there!" This was when Uncle Abe's faith was strong in little Mac.

"Some conclusions;" said Uncle Abe on one occasion, "are nonsequential. To say that Rome was not built in a day, does not prove that it was built in a night."

Accoutred en Militaire.

In the outset of the famous Black-hawk war in Illinois, a "hoss company" was raised in the region where Uncle Abe was (then) a rising lawyer. I say rising, although he had then reached a height sufficient to help himself to most blessings--and he, the aforesaid U.A., was chosen Captain. Uncle Abe rode a "slapping stallion," who was either naturally restive, or appreciated his new honor too highly--at any rate, he corvetted and pirouetted like a very Bucephalus. At last he unhorsed his rider, who landed sprawling on the prairie in one of those green excrescences that abound where bovine herds range. As the discomfitted Uncle Abe rose, and surveyed his predicament, old Pierre Menard, who was a near spectator, remarked in his broken French:

"Vell, I nevair sees any man accoutred en militaire like zat before."

Most old suckers pronounce accoutred as the Yankees do the word cowcumber, and this rendered Menard's joke more unctious.

Perils of Illinois Lawyers.

Years ago, when the capital of Suckerdom was a village of less "magnificence" than it now presents--when Lincoln, Harden, Baker, McDougal, Douglas, Shields and Ferguson were all village lawyers, and scarcely known to fame--Judge Thomas Brown was on the Supreme bench of the State. He was to some extent a "character;" but not a very successful lawyer. He went to California, since when he has been generally lost sight of; but his old friends may be assured that if he is in the "land of the living," Uncle Abe's tax collectors will find him. But that's neither here nor there. His ideas of the perils of practicing law in Illinois, in early times, is what is now before the reader.

On one occasion, after he had changed his residence to Peoria, having some business to transact in Springfield, he arrived in that place and put up at the old American House, (now kept by Henry Bidgely, Esq.) He chanced to mention the name of Peoria. Instantly the attention of a countryman was fixed, upon him, who, at the first opportunity accosted him--

"From Peoria, Squar?"

"Yes."

"Much acquainted?"

"Pretty well, Sir."

"Know a lawyer up there named H------g R------s?"

"Yes sir."

"How's he getting along?"

"Oh, first rate--devilish lucky man."

"He's getting hold of considerable land, hain't he?"

"Yes a deal--devilish lucky man.

"Yes--large--devilish lucky man."

"Look here, Squar," said the countryman, evidently puzzled at R------s being so devilish lucky.

"What do you mean about his being so lucky?"

"Mean? why I call any man lucky that practices law twenty years in Illinoiss, and don't get into the penitentiary."

Couldn't Make a Presidential Chair.

"Mr. Lincoln," said an ardent sovereignty man just at the beginning of the last Presidential contest "Mr. Douglas is a cabinet maker."

"He _was_ when I first knew him," said Uncle Abe "but he gave up the business so long ago, that I don't think he can make a Presidential chair now." Uncle Abe proved himself a prophet, although at a tremendous cost to the country.

"Couldn't see It in that Light."

A delegation of temperance men recently sought to influence Uncle Abe to take some stringent steps to suppress intemperance in our armies. Among other reasons urged, they said our armies were often beaten because of intemperance.

"Is that so?" said Undo Abe. "I've heard on all sides that the rebels drink more than our boys do, and I can't see why our boys, who drink less, are more liable to get whipped."

"But you know the corrupting influence of the army in regard to drinking habits," pursued the Committee.

"I've heard that, too," said Uncle Abe, "but I think they will do pretty well _if I can keep them out of Washington!_"

The Committee didn't carry their measure, by a jug full.

Too Tough for the Rebels.

When the Illinois boys gathered at Springfield, under the call of the ten regiment bill, they were quartered on the fair grounds, just out of the city. All the stalls were filled with troops, before which were signs as "St. Nicholas," "Richmond House," etc., etc. Charley W------, on going through the fair grounds, looked into the "Richmond House," and said--

"Well, boys, how do you get along?"

"Oh, first rate," replied the Chicagoians, "we're all _stall fed_."

"Bully for you," said Charley; "hope you'll be too tough for the rebels."

Little Mac Helped by an Illustration.

"I can't seem to reap any advantage from the rebel movements," said McClellan, in consultation with Uncle Abe.

"Oh, you just keep a watchful, careful eye on Leer and perhaps you will yet see how to make use of them, as old Mother Grundy did of her crooked wood."

"Thereby hangs a tale," remarked little Mac, with one of his peculiar, quaint smiles.

"You're right, General. Your remark reminded me of a good old neighbor of my father's, in Kentucky, who died many years ago. She was sweet-tempered--few such in this world." Uncle Abe stopped as though a mental comparison had damaged some woman of his acquaintance. "Yes, her disposition was of that kind that extracts 'good from things evil.' And she was her husband's pride and boast. One day he was praising her to a neighbor."

"'Look here, old man Grundy,' said the neighbor 'these women are just like cats--they are all right as long as you stroke the fur the right way, but reverse the movement, and you'll see the fire fly. Now, I'll tell you what, I bet a four-gallon keg of my four-year-old peach, that I can tell you how to make her as mad as a set-hen, if you dare to try."

"'Done,' cried old man Grundy.

"'Well, you just haul home all the crookedest sticks of wood you can find, and then see.'

"Old man Grundy brought home a small load every day or two, and it was knotty and crooked as a pigs-tail; but not a word or look of complaint. For a week this continued, with the same result, when he asked the good wife how she liked the wood."

"'Oh,'tis beautiful wood,' said she; 'it burns finely, and then it fits _around my pots and kettles just, as if 'twas made on purpose_.'"

Lee did not fit into Mac's hand so well, yet the story was not without its use to him.

An Acre of Fight.

During the progress of the Senatorial campaign between Douglas and Lincoln, Uncle Abe came home to recreate a few days. Douglas, long used to the political arena, bore the fatigues of the canvass like a veteran. His custom was to bathe just after supper, getting some friend to rub him like a race horse, when he would sit down and enjoy his whisky and cigar. Lincoln, lank and abstemious, bore his yoke with evident weariness. But to the story.

Uncle Abe went up into the Governor's room in the State House, where he was soon joined by many of the leading Republicans of the town. Some one remarked on his look of weariness. "It is a mighty contest," remarked Uncle Jesse Du Bois.

"But Mr. Lincoln does not show his great appreciation of it upon the stand," remarked a Chicago correspondent, in allusion to Uncle Abe's good humored replies to Douglas.

"But still, when the day's gladiatorial combat is over, it seems to me, as the Kentucky fellow said, that I had been through 'an acre of fight.'"

"Give us that story, Abe," said Dr. Wallace, Uncle Abe's brother-in-law.

"Well, one of my earliest recollections of a Kentucky Court, was a trial about a fight. It took place in the Court House grounds, and the Judge, thinking it constructable as a contempt of Court, sent out the Sheriff, and had the parties quickly brought before him. Both had bruised noses and beavers, and showed the unmistakable evidence of having been in a scrimage. The witnesses were numerous, and the evidence was so conflicting, that the Judge declared he could legally reach no other conclusion than that there had _been no fight at all_. But the Sheriff ventured to suggest:

"Here's Jim Blowers--he had hold on one of them fellers, when I arrested them."

"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge, "you will at once swear Mr. Blowers."

"Now, Mr. Blowers," said the Clerk, "you will please tell the Court what you know about this affair."

"Well, ax on."

"Well, was there a fight between these parties?"

"Just a bit of scrimage."

"It was a real fight, was it?"

"Well, some people would call it that."

"How much of a fight was it?"

"Oh, considerable--they pulled and hauled about kinder like two cows when they lock horns."

"But, tell the Court more precisely?"

"Well, I should say it was a right smart fight."

"But _how_ much of a fight?"

"Well, then, just about an acre, I reckon."

It is needless to say that the crowd enjoyed the joke hugely.

"It is easier to pay a small debt than a larger one."

Uncle Abe Believes in the Intelligence of Oysters.

In the year 1860 or thereabouts, when a great patent case was being tried in Chicago, and champagne and oysters were the favorite viands served nightly to Counsel and Jurors after the adjournment of Court, it happened that one Ed. D------n, a young patent lawyer from New York, was present on one of those occasions. Now, Ned is terribly afflicted with a determination of words to the mouth, and managed to monopolize the whole conversation. Ned had a speech to make upon everything, and kept buzzing around like a musquito, dipping his bill into everything animate or inanimate, no matter which. At last he began to officiate at serving out the oysters, and with ladle in hand, said in his usual stilted style, "I wonder whether this bivalve, this seemingly obtuse oyster, is endowed with any degree of intelligence." Uncle Abe looked at the puppy, who, by the way, had prevented him cracking a single one of his favorite jokes for the entire evening, and quaintly remarked, that "he was satisfied that an oyster knew when to shut up, and that was more than some New York lawyers knew." Ned has never propounded the query as to the intellect of oysters since.

An Egyptian Snake Story

The last county made in Illinois--I don't mean by the Legislature, but by Nature, and where dirt was so short that it lies under water part of the year--is called Alexander, and used to boast two rival towns, both thoroughly Egyptian in their nomenclative association--Cairo and Thebes. Twenty years ago Thebes was the "seat of justice;" but Cairo was then beginning to entertain magnificent expectations, and her citizens wanted to have the Court House removed to their town. The contest waxed warm. The Thebans contended that Cairo was only a "daub of mud on the tail of the State," while Thebes was destined to hold the same relation to Alexander, that its ancient namesake did to Egypt in the time of Menes. [See Herodotus.] But to settle the dispute, the Legislature must be appealed to, and that involved the choice of a man favorable to the change. This narrowed the fight right down to a hot county canvass between the Theban and Cairoine interests.

A Cairo man conceived a scheme that was ahead of anything yet achieved by Uncle Abe's brigadiers in the way of "strategy." He wrapped a boulder in a green hide, making a perfectly round mass, to which he attached a mule; then night after night he drew the stone through sand and mud. By going on a straight line, the mule's tracks were concealed, and the track left, resembled that made by a huge serpent.

These tracks were mainly in the south end of the county, and caused an excitement that almost absorbed the election interest. Soon it was reported that Mrs. so and so had seen a huge snake. The wonder grew apace. Anon it was currently reported that two men had seen the great serpent five miles above Cairo. The excitement increased. Several daring hunters followed the track, of which new ones were made every night; but the trail always led into water and was lost. Several persons missed hogs and calves, which were surmised to have gone into the capacious maw of the serpent. Finally word was given out that a great hunt was to come off in the lower part of the county, and the rendezvous was appointed. On the morning, hundreds were there from all parts of the county, and dividing into squads they started to scour the country about. At night they returned from their snakeless hunt, but so anxious were the people to get rid of his snakeship, that they furnished an abundance of edibles and whisky. All were in hilarious spirits, determined to renew the hunt on the following morning. By daylight the hunters were again on the tramp, and men from the lower part of the county happened to fall into the squad.

About 3 o'clock in the afternoon, a squad of the bans hove in sight of a small village, _i.e._ one house a blacksmith shop and a grocery, where, seeing a large crowd assembled, they hurried up in expectation of seeing the dead monster. _But the men were voting!_

"Thunder!" cried a Theban, "this is election day, and I'll bet my bottom dollar we're sold!"

They started for the rendezvous and spread their suspicions; but so few reached their own precincts, that the Cairo man was elected.

Then the joke came out; but the Thebans couldn't see the "laughing place;" their rage and mortification was so intense.

Uncle Abe was a member of the Legislature, when an effort was made to change the county seat of Alexander; and though he liked the joke hugely by which the Thebans had been "diddled," he saw the honesty of the thing and so voted against any change.

Why Uncle Abe Made a Brigadier.

When the rebellion had gone so far as to give the most hopeful some clear idea of its extent and malignancy, it chanced that J. A. Mc------d, a leading politician of Illinois, made a visit to Washington, and imitated his friend Douglas so far as to call upon Uncle Abe. The "shoot" that certain prominent Democrats gave indication of taking, by talking of reconstruction and a Northwestern Republic, gave the new administration some concern. Uncle Abe was very sociable with Logan, Mac, and a few of their "ilk." So Uncle Abe not only extended to Mac the hospitalities of the White House, but accompanied him on a visit to the arsenal. While there, their attention was drawn to some muskets which the speculators had furnished to Cameron, and which were thought (generally) very dangerous to those who used them.

Mac caught up one, and sighted along the barrel.

"Do that again, Mac," said Uncle Abe.

Mac complied. Uncle Abe was evidently struck with an idea, and Mac was anxious to know what it was like.

"Why, Mac," said Uncle Abe, "I was thinking if we could get all our soldiers to make up that kind of a face, that the rebels couldn't stand it a moment." Mac didn't relish Uncle Abe's joke, as he was hopefully in pursuit of the third wife; but he put the best face he could upon the matter, and remarked to Uncle Abe--

"Perhaps you'd better make me a Brigadier then!"

"And why not?" asked Uncle Abe.

Mac got his commission.

Uncle Abe Puzzled.

Uncle Abe was met one day near Springfield, by a conceited coxcomb, who had built him a house at some distance, and invited him to dinner. Uncle Abe did not much relish the Jackenape's acquaintance. In fact, as Justice Shallow has it, had "written him down an Ass." However, Abe enquired very minutely, where Snooks lived? "Thistle Grove," replied the verdant Snooks; "but there's no grove now, and not a single thistle!"

"Eh, what!" cries Uncle Abe, "not a single thistle! Then what on airth do you live on?"

Uncle Abe Divided on a Question.

In 1840 or '41, Uncle Abo was a member of the Illinois Legislature. The Capital had lately been removed from Vandalia to Springfield. The Legislature met in the Presbyterian church.

I have forgotten what measure was before the house; but it was one in which there were many members who did not wish to commit themselves. Uncle Abe was in this predicament. He sat near an open window, and when the clerk, calling the ayes and nays had got down to L's, Uncle Abe thrust his right leg out of the window, and was just drawing its long companion after it, when an anti-dodging member "seeing the game," shut the sash down and held Uncle Abe in a trap.

"Lincoln," called out the Clerk.

"Mr. Speaker," said Col. Thornton, "Mr. Lincoln is _divided_ on this question, and I move you that the sergeant at arms be sent to bring in that part of him that is out of the window."

Uncle Abe was "_brought in_" amid a universal titter, to his evident mortification.

In 1840, the Union generally went for Harrison; but Illinois, particularly, was democratic. When the Legislature met in the Fall of that year, the Whig members tried to break up the _new_ Session by absenting themselves from voting to adjourn the old Session _sine die_, so that they could Constitutionally meet the next Wednesday morning; the State Constitution requiring the Legislature to meet "the first Monday in December next, ensuing the election of members." After the breaking up of the morning Session, the Sergeant-at-arms hunted up the delinquent Whigs, and at 3 o'clock there was a quorum obtained, and the doors locked. The Springfield _Register_ of Dec. 11, 1840, mentions this matter, but thinks Uncle Abe "come off without damage, as it was noticed that his legs reached nearly from the window to the ground!"

A proposition was afterwards humorously proposed, to add another story to the new State House, so that fugacious members would have to go down the water spouts if they ran!

Tried for Scaring the Girls.

Thirty years ago, when Springfield was blooming into the dignity of its Capitalive position, the American House was its great hotel, (and it isn't its smallest yet,) and the resort of those who loved to spend a few hours in the society of the _bon vivants_ who then assembled--Lincoln, Douglas, Shields, Ferguson, Herndon, (then a young man, but since the law partner of Uncle Abe,) and many others "not unknown to fame," could almost always be found here during the evening.

One evening as they were sitting in free converse in the bar-room, one of the chamber maids came in and informed the landlord that a man was under her bed.