LETTER XV.

ON THE CARE OF CHILDREN.

Patience very needful. Offering rewards. Never shame children for their faults. Never deceive them. Set an example of honesty and modesty.

My Friends:

I wish you could realize the great influence which you always must exert over the character and welfare of children, for then what I am now going to write, would secure a deep interest in your minds.

Children are creatures of imitation and sympathy, and they always feel and act very much as those do about them. Thus they are daily forming their tastes, habits and character from the pattern of those who are most with them. And their happiness, for time and eternity, is decided by the good or evil that thus surrounds them.

Almost all domestics have more or less to do with the children of a family, so that though what I write is most important to those who nurse and take care of children, it should be deeply pondered by all.

The greatest and most important requisite in all who have the care of children is _patience_. Children have come into a world where every thing is new to them—where they cannot understand the mischief they make,—and more than all this, they are so thoughtless and forgetful, that they cannot remember when they do discover what is dangerous or wrong, as older minds can do.

Suppose you were suddenly put in a vast kitchen, with ten thousand new utensils to work with, and new sorts of work to do, and all the time in danger of doing something wrong—or forgetting something you were told. You would feel puzzled, and sometimes out of patience, and you would think it very hard if those who employed you had no patience, and no sympathy for you, in such difficult circumstances. You would think that you were more to be pitied than blamed, when you forgot, or made mistakes. And if your employers spoke kindly to you, and always seemed to feel for your difficulties, and to be patient with your forgetfulness, you would find it much easier to do your duty.

Now children are in just such a situation. Just observe young children for one day, and see how many times they have to be told that they are doing wrong! Poor things!—they are ignorant, and forgetful, and have a thousand things to learn and to remember. And they often are blamed and found fault with for something every hour, and a great deal more than grown persons could bear. Have patience with them, and as much as possible keep from speaking in cross and angry tones.

I know persons who make it a rule never to speak cross to children. Instead of this, they wait till their own feelings are calm, and then kindly speak to them of their faults. And when they see a child doing mischief, instead of calling out in sharp and angry tones, they go up and take hold of the child and stop its mischief—or set it up in a chair—and take care not to speak till it can be done in a calm and gentle way. Children who are managed by such persons, have an example of patience, gentleness and kindness before them that has a great influence.

And when such persons tell children that they must not act angry and speak cross, when any thing troubles them, it does far more good than it could do, if they see their advisers set them an example just contrary to their instructions.

One of the most successful ways of making children behave well is, to keep them good natured and happy. Very often, when children feel peevish, and when they get into contentions, some amusing story, or play, will make them good natured, and then all will go smooth again. Whereas, if those who take care of them fret at them, and tell them they are naughty and disagreeable, it only adds to their trouble and vexation, and makes them act worse rather than better. I have seen a person taking care of children, manage in this way.

A little boy is out of humour—he goes sullenly about, and if any one speaks to him answers in cross tones—and then he teazes some one—or strikes, or kicks some one who teazes him.

The nurse sees that the difficulty is, that the child feels irritable and unhappy, and that fault-finding will only make him feel worse. So she goes and takes him in her lap, and says, “Come here, children, and hear this story—or see this pretty thing—or hear me read something pretty to you”—so she contrives to amuse them a few minutes till all feel pleasant, and then she says to the offender, “Now, my dear little boy, you have been feeling cross and unhappy and have done wrong, but if you will try to be pleasant and speak kind for a whole hour, I will do so and so;—and you other children too, must try to make your little brother feel comfortable and happy, and not trouble him in any way.” Try such a method, and you will find it much better than fretting at the child yourself.

A person who takes care of children should _economize her favors and kindnesses_, and keep them to use for such occasions. If there are little enjoyments she can procure, or favours she can bestow, instead of giving them without any effort to gain them by the children—she should save them to use as rewards for their endeavours to be patient, kind and obedient.

And in all the management of children, it should be a maxim to regulate them by _love_ and _hope_, rather than by fault-finding and other penalties.

If you tell a child “If you try to do so and so, you shall have such an enjoyment,” then the child has something pleasant to think of whenever he is tempted to do wrong, and he is _pleased_ in trying. But if you tell him “If you do so and so, you shall be punished,” or if he feels that he shall get a scolding if he does what he wants to do—then there is nothing pleasant before the mind, while trying to do right. He sees punishment coming if he does one way—and no good comes if he does the other way, and so he has no pleasurable feeling at all to lead him to do right. There are some faults that must be cured by punishment, but these a parent must manage and not the domestics who take care of children. Let me advise you then, to manage children as much as possible by keeping them happy, and by offering them rewards for efforts to be good.

And in offering these rewards, always have _some particular thing_ that the child can try to do or not to do. Do not tell the child, “If you will _be good all day_ I will do so and so.” For “being good” is so indefinite that the child cannot tell what he is to aim at.—But tell a child, “Now if you will go a whole hour without speaking one unkind word, or if you will do such and such a thing, you shall have a favour,” and then the child has some definite thing to try to do. And be careful not to have the time of trial too long, for an hour to a child is as long as a day to older persons, and if you can get a child to govern itself a short time, it is learning to do it easier and longer the next time.

When children have faults _never try to shame them out of them_. Nothing hardens a child so much as this practice. Telling other people a child’s faults, for the purpose of curing the fault, is a sad, sad mistake. Suppose, in order to cure you of some bad habit, your employer should take visitors into the kitchen to shame you by telling them of your faults. Do you think it would be a good way to cure you? Surely not, and it is no better to treat children thus.

Instead of this, always treat children as if you thought they wished and intended to do right, and when they do wrong show sympathy and pity towards them, and try to conceal their faults from others as much as you can. This will make children love you, and try the more to do as you advise. When you have done wrong, if a person says, “It is _always_ just so—I _always expect_ you will forget, and do the wrong thing—I never can put any confidence in you”—does it not make you feel _discouraged_, as if there was no use in trying, and as if you were unjustly dealt with? But suppose your employer says, “Oh, I see you forgot this thing—or did that thing wrong—but I suppose you did not mean to. We all forget sometimes—I think you will remember better next time.” Does not such treatment make you feel as if you should try not to forget next time—far more than the first mode?

Take this same way with children. Always encourage them to try again, and make all the allowances and excuses you can, and then they will feel that you are sorry for them, and they will wish and intend to do better next time.

And the worse children are, the more danger there is of their losing all hope of improving, and all sense of shame, and all desire to gain a good character. I have had young persons come to my care, who I saw had acted so badly and been found fault with so much, that they did not expect any thing else, and so they never tried. And when they saw I expected that they would do well, and pitied or excused their defects, and praised them for every thing that was at all commendable, they began to grow encouraged. And finding how pleasant it was to be praised, and to have some one that did not dislike them all the time for doing wrong, they made very great exertions, till they really became all that they saw I expected.

I have seen great changes made in very bad children, by merely stopping finding fault, and encouraging and praising as much as truth would allow. I advise you try the same method, when you have to deal with very bad children. Stop finding fault; try to palliate and excuse as much as you can; try to convince them, you feel kindly to them; try to make them feel happy; act as if you expected they would try to do well; and every chance you can find, when they do well, commend them for it, and report their good conduct to their friends. Try this, and you will often find it will work wonders in improving bad children.

Be very careful, in talking with children, never to set an example of deceit. It often is as bad to deceive as it is to tell a direct lie, and a deceitful character is one of the worst and most disagreeable. For this reason _never deceive children in any way, or for any purpose_—and always express disgust if you see any deceitful tricks in them. Children soon learn to despise and dislike what others do, and if deceit is always spoken of as hateful and mean, they soon learn to feel so about it themselves.

Be careful to cherish feelings of strict honesty in children. Always advise them to ask leave to use each other’s things, and talk to them about the meanness and the danger of taking or using what belongs to others without knowing that the owners are willing. Remember that “_stealing, is using what belongs to others, without proper evidence that the owner is willing_.” And the evil is not so much in the thing done, as in the want of an honest character in the person who does it. And this want of honesty can be shown, as much in little matters as it is in great ones. If a child sees you go and get a needle, or thread, or a bit of tape from its mother’s work basket, and knows that its mother would not be willing, your example leads it to steal also.—Remember these things, and beware lest you are the guilty cause of training children to deceit and dishonesty.

Always endeavour to make young children modest and delicate. Avoid vulgar and indelicate words and actions, and express great disgust when you see or hear any thing immodest or indelicate in them. Nothing saves children from future dangers so much as great care in this respect.

Try to cultivate in children a habit of _industry_. This is a great preservative from bad tempers, and from mischief. Children love to be active, and they can easily be induced to be useful in one way or another. Try to contrive useful employment for them, and if you cannot secure it any other way, offer some reward for their services. But always try first, to get them to do useful things, for the pleasure of helping others, and of thus doing good. A great deal can be done in this way by trying, and thus you are helping to form habits both of industry and benevolence.

Never allow yourselves to tell young children frightful stories. Sometimes children suffer agonies of fear, from having their imaginations filled with frightful images, that haunt them in the dark, or when they go to bed. When I was very young I was told by a young girl, who did not like to stay by me, that if I cried, or made any noise, the “_bull beggars_” would come down the chimney and carry me off. And many a night I lay with my head covered up, sweating with fear and distress that I shall never forget. Probably there is no distress of childhood so great as that of _fear_, and domestics should be very careful not to excite it, and should be patient and kind to little children when they suffer from it.

Another thing I hope you will avoid, and that is, giving children good things to eat in order to coax or reward them. Remember that every time any thing is put into the stomach, all its muscles begin to work in moving it about, for an hour or two; for the stomach, in digesting food, works as hard as the hands work in kneading bread. The stomach needs time to rest after this effort, and children ought never to eat more than once between meals, and then they ought to have bread, or some other simple food.

Those, therefore, who give them cake, or candy, or nuts, and allow them to keep eating them every time they like, take a course which, unless the stomach is very strong, is sure to weaken and injure it. When children have nuts, apples, candy, or cakes, persuade them to eat them, either at their meals as a part, or else half way between a meal as a luncheon, and do not let them keep nibbling and tasting through several successive hours, thus keeping the stomach all the time labouring, and wearing out its strength.