LETTER XII.

ON DRESS, MANNERS, AND LANGUAGE.

Dress should be conformed to means and to occupations. Rules of good manners.

My Friends:

I have shown you, in a former letter, that the chief reason why so much difference is made, between domestics and other members of the family, is their deficiencies in education, dress and manners. If domestics were universally well educated and well bred, and if they paid a proper attention to their dress and persons, then parents would feel that their example would be useful instead of injurious to children, while their presence would be agreeable and not offensive to visitors.

It is therefore very desirable, on your own account, and that you may raise the respectability of your station, (as well as on account of parents and children,) that you pay great attention to these particulars.

I will therefore point out some of those respects, in which you need to attend to your manners, in order to be a good example to children, and to be fitted to appear well in any society in which in after life you may appear.

_Good manners are the outward expression of kindness and good will_, by which we endeavour to promote the enjoyment of others, and to avoid all that gives needless pain. Good manners lead us to avoid every thing that offends the taste of others, and to regard all the rules of politeness and propriety. Good manners lead us to avoid all rude and coarse language or actions, and to refrain from all remarks that would trouble those about us in any way.

I will now point out some particulars. In the first place, there are rules of good manners in regard to our superiors in age, character, station or office, which demand attention. In addressing such, it is proper to speak in a respectful tone and manner, and to add “sir” and “ma’am” to “yes” and “no” when we reply to them. This should be done by young persons to older ones, by children to parents, by scholars to teachers, and by domestics to their employers, and to visitors in the family. At the same time, it is proper to offer the best accommodations of all kinds to one who is thus to be treated as a superior.

Another rule of good manners is, to return thanks to any person who does us any kindness. It is deemed very ill bred to receive a present, or any little act of attention, without any manifestation of pleasure or gratitude.

Another rule is, never to use what belongs to another without asking leave, and never to ask questions about the business or dress, or concerns of other people, unless we are on intimate terms with them. Another rule of good breeding is, never to make remarks to others on their personal defects, or dress, or faults, and never to speak in such a way of their opinions, or their friends, as to vex or mortify them.

Always, when persons speak to you, look them in the face, and reply in a courteous manner. Never laugh or whisper in company so that others cannot hear, lest they may imagine that you are ridiculing them, or speaking against them. Loud laughing and talking in company, and whispering, and smiling at church, are deemed rude and vulgar. Interrupting a person when talking, and flatly contradicting, are considered rude.

There are some _personal tricks_ which should be avoided, as vulgar and offensive, such as fingering the hair, picking the teeth, or cleaning the nails, picking the nose, spitting on the floor, snuffing, instead of using the handkerchief, or using the handkerchief in a disgusting manner, fingering the shoes, throwing about the feet, lolling on chairs, tipping chairs backward, staring at people, calling persons by nicknames, running out bareheaded into the street, calling to persons in the street, running in the street, and eating in the street, or in a public assembly.

Another branch of good breeding relates to _table manners_. When at table, avoid all these things: reaching over the plates of others; standing up to reach articles; instead of asking to have them passed to you; using your own knife for butter or salt, when it is the custom of the family to use a butter knife and salt spoon; setting dripping cups on the table cloth when cup mats, or plates, are provided; using the table cloth instead of your handkerchief; eating fast, and in a noisy manner; putting large pieces in the mouth; looking, and eating as if you were very hungry, or very anxious to get at certain dishes; sitting too far from the table, or too near to it; projecting your elbows when using the knife and fork; dropping food in your lap; laying the knife and fork on the table cloth, instead of on the bread, or your plate; putting your own knife or fork into the dishes, instead of asking to be helped; taking too large a share of some favourite article; making a noise in sipping tea, or eating soups; leaning on the table with your elbows; lolling back in your chair at table, and taking food with your own fork from the dishes, instead of asking to be helped.

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In regard to _dress_, the great rule of propriety and good taste is, _always to dress clean and tidy, and always to have your dress suited to your means, and your employment_.

This is the rule that regulates persons of good sense and good taste, in all classes and ranks. If a woman wears ever so elegant and expensive clothing, and yet her hair is in disorder and her dress untidy, every one feels that she is dressed in bad taste. If a woman has a small income, and yet appears in dresses and ornaments that are suitable only for persons of great wealth, every one pities or laughs at her for her want of taste and propriety.

If a woman puts on expensive and handsome dresses to work in, no matter how rich she is, every one feels that it looks vulgar and improper. There is nothing that more surely marks the well bred, well educated woman, than the style of her dress. If she has small means she will dress simply and economically, if she is very wealthy, she will wear rich and handsome clothing, but not tawdry finery or loads of ornaments. If she is doing work that soils clothing, she puts on dark and cheap articles, if she is going on a journey, she puts on a dress that dust will not injure, and leaves off all her ornaments. If she is going out in the cold and wet, she puts on stout and warm covering for her feet and person.

Now there is no point where domestics so often show their want of good education and good taste, as in the choice of their dress. Every one knows that the income of a domestic is very small, and that they are daily employed in work that soils a dress. When, therefore, domestics appear in dresses suitable only for persons who have wealth, and employments that do not soil dresses, every one feels, that for want of a good education, they are deficient in good taste and a sense of propriety. The same opinion is formed of _all_ persons who have small means, and who labour for a support, when they _rig out_ in showy and expensive dresses.

A domestic who has good sense and good taste, will always dress neatly, plainly, and in materials suitable to the work she performs.

There are few things more annoying to visitors, or to the master and mistress of a family, than to have food served at table, by domestics whose hands, hair, and dress are untidy. I have repeatedly known the gentleman of the house whisper to his wife to send the person waiting on table out of the room, because he had rather wait on himself, than to have such a disgusting object before his eyes.

I would therefore earnestly recommend, that _always_ before you come down in the morning, you put your hair in neat order, and that you so braid or tie it up, that it will not get out of order while you are at work. Also, that you take pains to have dark clothing for your work, and that it always be kept neat and tidy. It is a good plan, also, to keep a supply of large, clean aprons, to slip on when you cannot change your dress, and yet wish to go into the parlour.

And I pray you not to spend all your earnings in showy dresses, that, to all sensible people, make you appear foolish and ignorant of all propriety. It is far better to buy strong, and plain dresses, and lay up your earnings to buy furniture, if you ever become a housekeeper, or to support you in sickness, or old age, if you never marry. There are _Savings Banks_ in almost all our cities, where you can lay up small earnings, and receive interest for them, so as to increase their value every year; and there is less risk in putting money into these banks, than in any other way, because their business is arranged for the purpose of making them safe.

There is another point, to which I would especially urge attention, and that is, to the _improvement of your mind by reading_, and when you can do so, by study.

The greatest disadvantages domestics have to meet, are caused by their want of a good education. It is owing to the want of such advantages, that they are so apt to be untidy in appearance, rude and disrespectful in manner, and vulgar in their pronunciation and language. Now, though you may be in such a situation that you cannot go to a school, yet if you will be diligent and economical in time and dress, you can do a great deal to improve your education. There are few families where there is not some lady, who would be willing to hear you read, or recite a lesson for half an hour every day, if you expressed a wish so to do. And you would also be provided with books to read and study, at little or no expense, if you appeared to be anxious to learn, and were faithful and diligent, in order to gain time.

And the more you read and study, the more your character, manners, and habits will be likely to improve. Some persons imagine that a good education injures persons in your station, by making them proud and discontented. But this is a great mistake. The most faithful, diligent, agreeable, and respectable domestics I ever saw, were those who had the best education, while those who are ignorant, have not sense and information enough, to see the propriety of conforming to their situation and duties.

If this country were thrown into the situation in which the shipwrecked company were, and every one had to draw lots to decide who should be employers and who domestics, there would be some well educated and some very ignorant persons put together in the class of domestics. In this case I should much prefer to hire a well educated person, for I should expect that such a one would be far more likely to have respectful and courteous manners, and that she would conform to the duties of her lot with far more propriety than an ignorant and vulgar person.

I hope, therefore, that you will improve every opportunity you can gain to read and study, and I would advise you also to notice how well educated persons pronounce, and try to acquire a similar way of speaking.

In selecting books to read, get some judicious friend to choose for you, and in studying, never be so foolish as to study French, or Latin, or try to play the piano, or any such accomplishment, which is suitable only for persons who have wealth and leisure.

By following this advice about your manners, dress and language, and by faithfully endeavouring to perform all your duties to God and your fellow creatures, you will find, that every day, you will gain in the esteem and good will of all around you, and that few will be found with that silly pride which will make them shun your society because you are a domestic. On the contrary, your employers and their children, will love and respect you, and be pleased to procure for you all the comforts and advantages they can secure, consistently with the convenience and prosperity of the family.