Part 3

"There you're wrong again, don't you see," observed Tourniquet. "The name Ire-land was derived from Higher-land, to express that the country was more elevated in the estimation of the natives than any other part of the globe. They entertained the most preposterous ideas about the importance of their island. They stated that when the rest of the world was sunk in barbarism, their Higher-land was the seat of intelligence, and virtue, and superior bravery. They asserted that their soldiers were the only soldiers that ever existed, and that their agricultural labourers were 'the finest pisantry in the world.' But there was certainly something very singular about them; and even their brick-layers' labourers were odd men. The island was also called by the natives The Emerald Island, I believe because it sometimes produced Irish diamonds. The Green Isle was another of its names--and this was derived from the greenness of the people. The men went by the name of 'the boys' long after the age at which other boys became men; and even the oldest of the old men among them, when he breathed his last, was said to die in a green old age."

"It is extraordinary to me, Dr. Tourniquet, that you will give utterance to such fallacies," remarked the professor. "The facts are exactly as I have stated them."

"The facts are exactly as I have stated them," said the other with marked emphasis.

"Was there not a very celebrated character styled St. Patrick, who flourished at one time among the Irish?" inquired the young merchant.

"Certainly there was," replied Fortyfolios. "Patrick, Pater Rick--or Rick being the abbreviation of Richard--Father Richard, was a poor monk----"

"That I deny!" eagerly exclaimed the doctor. "For, as it is stated in a very ancient poem I have met with,

'St. Patrick was a gintleman And born of dacent paple.'"

"That is no authority," resumed Fortyfolios. "I affirm that he was a poor monk and----"

"I maintain that he was a gentleman," replied the other.

"I insist that you do not interrupt me, Dr. Tourniquet," exclaimed the professor angrily. "He was an exceedingly pious and virtuous man, and by his example and precepts did a great deal of good among his countrymen."

"Yes," said the surgeon, gravely, "I have met with an authority that says

'He gave the frogs and toads a twist, And banished all the varmint.'

Now the usual reading of this couplet is that he drove the frogs and toads out of the country; but if we look to the meaning of the word twist, we shall find that it means an appetite: a man with a twist means a man with a certain facility in swallowing anything eatable that comes before him; and as we know that frogs at one time were considered a great delicacy by the ancients, it is not unreasonable to imagine that St. Patrick was a great epicure, and swallowed all the frogs and toads in the island."

"Preposterous!" exclaimed Fortyfolios; "he was a saint whose prayers had the efficacy of ridding the country of every venomous thing it contained. But there is a remarkable legend connected with his history, which I will relate to you as I found it in a very ancient poem preserved in the Columbian Museum. It appears that he was one fast day on a visit at a house, and he desired dinner might be brought to him; but the family having already dined there was no fish, the usual food for fast days, for his meal; in fact there was nothing eatable in the larder but a leg of mutton. With great regret the people of the house acquainted him with the real state of the case: but the good saint, with a benevolent smile, as the poet describes, merely said,

'Send my compliments down to the leg And bid it come hither a salmon.'"

"And what was the result?" inquired Oriel.

"To use the simple and expressive words of the poem," replied the professor, with his usual gravity,

"'And the leg most politely complied.'"

"You see those white cliffs just beginning to show 'emselves," said the captain, pointing to the distant coast.

"I see them plainly," replied the young merchant.

"That's the coast of England, Sir," added Hearty. Oriel Porphyry gazed on the classic shores that were rising before him with a deep and peculiar interest. He had read so much, and he had heard so much of the glory of the country he was approaching, and of the greatness of her people, that the first sight of land awakened in him the most agreeable associations. He thought of the splendour of her achievements--he thought of the magnificence of her power--he thought of her illustrious men--he thought of her noble efforts in the advance of intelligence--and the white cliff upon which he was gazing appeared to him to be the most interesting portion of the world.

"The appearance of the shore from the sea at one time conferred on England the name of Albion," said the professor. "From _Alba_ white--from which word many other names were derived, particularly _album_--a white book in great request at one time among the females of the island, to teach them the art of spoiling paper for the benefit of the stationers--and _albumen_, the white of an egg, a sort of food in great request with the chicken-hearted. Some of the natives of Albion carried their attachment to the name so far that they lived in a place which they designated _the Albany_, and had a favourite place of resort which they called 'Whites.' There was also a certain building situated in _White_ Cross Street, to which they proceeded, to show their nationality, by getting _white_-washed. The females were remarkable for a partiality to white bread, white wine, and white linen, and the males evinced an equal fondness for white bait, white waistcoats, and white hands, and to such an extent did this favouritism for a particular colour extend, that there was a neighbouring island, called the Isle of White, to which the inhabitants of Albion made occasional journeys, for the pleasure of destroying white ducks, or white muslin: and it was usual for every generation to be christened in white, to be married in white, and to be buried in white."

"What are these vessels approaching us in this threatening manner," inquired Oriel Porphyry, as he noticed several old crazy-looking boats filled with men who were coming towards them with their crews, howling, screeching, and yelling with all the strength of their lungs.

"I do not think they mean us any good," replied the captain: then turning to some of the sailors standing scrutinising the appearance of a strange fleet, evidently bearing down upon them, he exclaimed, "Get the long gun ready, and give these fools a taste of grape if they attempt to attack us."

"Ay, ay! Sir," replied one of the men; and every disposition was made to repel any assault that might be attempted.

As they approached nearer, it was observed that these vessels were a vast number of large open boats, some with sails, but most without, and they were so crammed with men, that many of them were in danger of sinking every minute. Their crews were clothed in ragged vestments of every colour and description, and they were armed with old swords, pistols, guns, pitchforks, and bludgeons, and these they displayed as they advanced, shouting all the time in wild savage tones perfectly deafening. A larger boat was in advance of the others, and in a conspicuous situation in this vessel stood up a tall fierce-looking man with his head bound round with a hay-band, and a tattered blanket dropping from his shoulders. He brandished a rusty sword as he approached, and gave orders to those who followed, which appeared to meet with implicit obedience. When he came within gun-shot of the Albatross, he turned round to his followers and addressed them.

"Boys," said he, pointing to the ship, "yonder's the furreners. It's meself as 'ill take their big baste iv a ship if ye'll be all to the fore. Divle a care ye may take ov their darty guns that their pointing at yese--its made ov wood they are, and sorrow a harm they can do, bad luck to 'em. Keep your powther dry, boys, and look to your flints, and iv we don't kill and murther and throttle every mother's son ov 'em, I'm not King Teddy O'Riley."

"Sheer off there, you ragamuffins," shouted the captain through a speaking trumpet. "Sheer off, or I'll sink ev'ry soul of ye within gun-range."

"Down wid the darty furreners!" screamed King Teddy O'Riley; a shower of balls whistled past the captain, and on came the over-loaded boats, with their crews yelling in the most frantic manner. There appeared to be at least five or six hundred of them, and it was judged expedient to put an immediate stop to their progress. The long gun was discharged, which sunk the foremost boat, and killed the greater portion of its crew. The rest hesitated when they beheld their monarch swept into the sea; and a well-directed fire of musketry made them glad enough to commence a retreat as fast as they could, screaming in hideous chorus as long as they could be heard.

"Take a boat and see if you can save any of those rascals sprawling in the water," exclaimed the captain to the midshipman Loop.

"Yes, Sir," was the reply; and the boat having been lowered, a party proceeded to pick up the wounded and drowning. They succeeded in saving several, among whom was their illustrious leader, King Teddy O'Riley, who was brought upon deck, looking very much deprived of his dignity, his coronet of hay-bands wet and dirty, and his blanket of state shrunk out of all shape. He created considerable surprise among his captors, and not without sufficient cause, for nothing could exceed the eccentricity of his appearance. His hair was thick and long, and of a dark-red colour. Large, bushy whiskers of the same tint surrounded his cheeks. His nose was remarkably red, and his face seamed with the marks of the small-pox. Below his cloak was a long coat, which did not appear the more royal for being out at the elbows, and for having lost half its skirt. His lower garments hung upon him like a bag, and they had the legs rolled back up to the knees. A pair of old boots, exceedingly down at heel, out of which the toes of his majesty were seen to peep in spite of the straw with which they were lined, completed his costume.

"And who the deuce are you?" demanded the captain, after he had sufficiently scrutinised the appearance of his prisoner.

"Faix and isn't it King Teddy O'Riley I am?" replied the man.

"And what part o' the world are you king of, I should like to know?" asked Hearty in considerable surprise.

"Faix and ain't I king ov Blatherumskite?" said the other.

"And where, in the name o' all that's wonderful, is Blatherumskite?" inquired the captain.

"And is it yourself that doesn't know where Blatherumskite is?" exclaimed his majesty in seeming wonder. "Well the ignorance o' some people is amazin! Not know Blatherumskite! Be the holy japers that bates Bannagher, and Bannagher bate the divle. And Blatherumskite sich a jewel ov a place! Why Blatherumskite's the finest kingdom and has the finest paple under the sun. It's full ov commodities ov all sorts. It dales in turpentine, brickdust, soft soap, and other swate mates--tracle, and train oil, pepper and salt, and other hardware,--pigs, buttermilk, paraties, and other kumbustibles. Not know Blatherumskite indade! Be this and be that, you're as ignorant as a born brute."

"And what induced you to fire at me, Mr. King Teddy O'Riley?" demanded the captain.

"Faix and wasn't it only just to kill ye we fired at ye?" replied the king, with the utmost simplicity.

"It was, was it?" exclaimed Hearty; "and for what reason did you attack the ship?"

"Wid no other rason in life than to take it," responded his majesty. "I was jist a lading the boys to make a decint on England, wid the hope ov being able to pick up a few thrifles, when we seed your ship. 'The top ov the morning to ye,' says I, 'and if I don't be afther ransacking ye intirely small blame to me there'll be.' And then we pulled away at the divle's own rate, and a mighty dale ov divarsion the boys had about what they'd do wid the big ship when they'd got her, when widout wid your lave or by your lave, I was regularly kilt, smashed, and smothered into the wather. And here I am."

"Well, King Teddy O'Riley, we must be under the necessity of hanging you," observed the captain.

"Hang me!" shouted the man, in perfect amazement. "Hang a king!--hang King Teddy O'Riley? Hang the King ov Blatherumskite? Why its rank trason? Ye'll not be afther thinkin ov doin sich a rebellious action. I shall feel obliged to ye if ye wont mintion it."

"And what would you have done with us if you had succeeded in your ridiculous idea of taking the ship?" inquired Hearty.

"Faix and wouldn't we have kilt every sowl of yese, and taken the rest prisoners?" replied his majesty.

"Then we cannot do better than follow your example," observed the captain; then turning to some of his men, who appeared to enjoy the scene with particular satisfaction, he exclaimed, "Get a rope ready at the fore-yard arm that we may hang this fellow!" The sailors with great alacrity made the necessary preparations.

"Be all the holy saints betwixt this and no where, ye'll not be afther taking away the life ov a poor king!" exclaimed his majesty of Blatherumskite, with the greatest earnestness and alarm. "What'll I do now? Sure and I'm in a bad way! Sure and I'll be done for intirely! And is it to be hanged I am?" continued he, looking woefully at the rope that was dangling ready for immediate use. "Is King Teddy O'Riley to be kilt afther sich a villainous fashion? Oh what a disgrace for Blatherumskite! What a dishonour to a king. Oh what 'ill I do--what 'ill I do?"

"Is the rope ready?" inquired Hearty.

"All right, Sir," said the boatswain.

"Then hoist him up," replied the captain. The men proceeded to fulfil the command of their officer.

"Oh it's in a pretty way I am!" exclaimed the unfortunate monarch, with tears in his eyes. "Be the holy japers, wouldn't I change places wid any body as would like to be hanged in my place. It's yourself, Murphy O'Blarney, that's the good subject," said the king, addressing one of his companions with particular and impressive emphasis. "Sure, and ye've got more pathriotism than to let the King ov Blatherumskite be hanged, when it's your own loyal neck as would fit the rope so azy." Murphy O'Blarney did not seem to hear. "Bad luck to the likes ov yese for a thraitor," murmured his majesty. Then, turning to another of his subjects, he said, "Larry Brogues, it's great confidence I place in ye--ye're a jewel ov a man intirely; and if ye 'ill jist be afther doing me the thrifling favour ov being hanged in my place, the best pig I have shall be your's." Larry appeared as if he had lost all relish for pork. "I always said ye were a base ribbel!" muttered the angry monarch, turning from him to address a third. "Mick Killarney, a sinsible boy you've showed yerself afore to-day, and little's the praise I take to meself for not having rewarded ye according to your desarts; but if ye'll show your superior desarnment, by letting the little bit ov a rope be placed round your neck instead ov mine, it's meself that 'ill make a man ov ye when I get back to Blatherumskite." Mick Killarney turned the only eye he had in his head, to another part of the ship. "There's more brains in the tail of a dead pig, than 'ill ever come out ov yer thick skull, ye villain!" exclaimed King Teddy O'Riley in a thundering rage: then he looked very pathetic, wiped his eyes with a corner of his blanket, and began to chant, in the most miserable tones, the following words:--

"Who'll bile the paraties and pale 'em and ate 'em! Who'll drink all the butthermilk I used to swallow! Who'll hand round the whiskey, and take his own share too Wid mighty convanience.

"Oh Teddy O'Riley your reign's put a stop to, Small blame to your sowl! you're a king now no longer, You're smashed all to smothers, and dished up and done for In a way most amazin.

"Not brave Alexander, or Nebuchadnezzar, Who went out to grass wid the rest ov the cattle, Not Moses, or Boney, nor yet Cleopatra, Were treated so vilely.

"Its meself that is up to me eyes in amazement To see you desaved and surrounded by villains, Who are wantin to place your poor neck in a halter Bad luck to their mothers!

"Is it rope you're desirin? the divle a ha'porth. Is it hanged that you would be? not me then by Japers, Oh! there's sinse and there's rason in your own way ov thinkin, You're cliver intirely.

"But sorrow a hope have ye got to indulge in, For there hangs the rope like a murtherin blaguard, Wid a knot at one end, and a noose at the other. Oh what 'ill I do now?"

Oriel Porphyry, who had laughed exceedingly at the whole scene, now stepped forward, and, by his interference, saved his majesty's life.

"I always thought that Ireland formed a portion of the British dominions," observed the young merchant.

"So it did," replied Fortyfolios, "and enjoyed an unexampled state of prosperity; but the people were always dissatisfied and unreasonable; and were ever accusing the government of the country by which they were ruled of creating that social disorganisation which was the effect of their own evil habits--and which had existed, as may be proved by a reference to their own annals, as far back as it was possible to refer--and, upon the first opportunity, they threw off their allegiance to the British empire, and became, as they had previously been, a separate kingdom. As might have been expected, internal strife now appeared. As had formerly been the case, the country was cut up into a party of petty monarchies, that were continually at war with each other. These having gradually become smaller and more numerous, there is now a king to every potato-garden, of which class of monarchs his majesty of Blatherumskite is an example; and when these fellows are not striving to exterminate each other, they make piratical excursions to the neighbouring coast, and there create all the mischief in their power, by robbing, plundering, killing, and burning."

"We are entering the Nore, now Sir," remarked the captain.

"The derivation of the word is exceedingly puzzling," remarked the professor, "and I have met with no explanation that has satisfied me. Some antiquarians trace it to Noah, but they bring forward nothing which can be relied on in proof of this idea. I must say it is my opinion that Noah was never in this part of the world. Others ascribe it to the frequent use of the words 'Know her,'--as parties of pleasure used frequently to start in steam-boats from the metropolis to this place, and then return; and intimacies between the young males and the young females who had never met previously, used to spring up during this excursion, and the former used to reply when they were asked if they knew an individual of the other sex, 'Know her? we met going towards the sea,' and the words at last became so common that it gave name to the place."

"You're wrong again, don't you see!" exclaimed the doctor. "But I'll tell you how the place came by the name. In very ancient times a company of individuals created a joint-stock association to work a copper mine of great value which they said had been discovered on the neighbouring coast, and the people, deluded by the great anticipations held out by the schemers, invested large sums in the affair. The shaft was sunk and the mine worked, and the anxious citizens were every day coming down in crowds to learn the progress of the mine, but they invariably met with one answer to all their queries, which was 'No Ore;' and this lasted till the bubble burst. Since then the place was called 'No Ore,' which ultimately dwindled into 'Nore.'"

"Preposterous!" cried Fortyfolios. "I wonder you can repeat such a ridiculous conception."

"I'm positive that my 'No ore' is as good as your 'Noah' or 'Know her,' don't you see," replied the doctor, good humouredly.

"Nothing of the kind, Dr. Tourniquet," said the other very gravely. "My derivations are founded on well ascertained facts."

"And my derivation is founded on better ascertained facts," added the surgeon.

"The coast here seems quite deserted," observed Oriel Porphyry. "I do not see a habitation--nor a human creature--nor any species of vessel--nor any sign of life whatever."

"Possibly the natives have deserted this part of the coast from its liability to be visited by the Irish pirates," replied the professor. "But what a change there must have been in the appearance of this neighbourhood a few centuries back! Then vessels of every size and nation might have been seen sailing in almost countless numbers down the river to the Port of London, which was the mart of the world. Merchant ships and ships of war, colliers, fishing-vessels, passage-boats and pleasure-yachts were passing and re-passing each other at all hours of the day. Then these masses of ruins which you are passing on each side of the river, were filled with busy inhabitants engaged in the various labours of traffic. Here ships were built, fitted out, victualled, and stored, and when manned with a gallant crew, set sail to visit every quarter of the globe, to dispose of their cargoes and to bring home the produce of other countries. There was a battery to prevent the passage of the enemy's ships in time of war. A little further on we come to a fashionable watering place, in which the tired citizens forgot the toils of business in the pursuit of pleasure. Towns and villages existed on either side; some of considerable importance, with a numerous population engaged in every species of manufacture and of laborious employment."

"The country possesses a most desolate appearance," remarked Zabra.

"The natural effect of the cause which produced it," responded the professor. "Here all the horrors of war have been exhibited on the most comprehensive scale, and what warfare left untouched time has since destroyed. Nothing meets the eye but blackened buildings and tottering walls. The country is a wilderness--the town a desert. A little time since all was busy--all was fertile; and every nook and corner resounded with the stir of the artisan at his craft, and the mirth of the idler at his pleasure."

"What part of the island was this called?" inquired Oriel.

"These are the shores of Kent, so called from the ancient word Kenned, known or famous," replied Fortyfolios. "It was called the garden of England, and, if the accounts which describe it are to be depended on, well did it deserve the title. It was one continued field of fruit, and flowers, and grain. Forests of magnificent timber afforded materials for the carpenter and the ship-builder--plantations of hops gave employment to the cultivators, the merchants, and the brewers of malt liquors; and orchards of cherries were in constant demand from one end of the island to the other. Now the timber has either been cut down, or died of natural decay--the hop gardens have given place to crops of luxuriant weeds--and the sweet and luscious fruits have become wild and sour."

"Here is an extensive collection of ruins on the left--and it seems once to have been an important place," observed the young merchant.