Part 9

"Plums from the trees I do not find So plummy to my mind; Orleans or egg Unnoticed for my patronage may beg; And damsons may be da--; ah, I'm in a passion, I say mum, I'll swear not for a sugar plum."

"You excel yourself, sir," said Oriel Porphyry, with something of sarcasm in the tone of his voice, arising, perhaps, from his becoming a little out of patience.

"By the unsophisticated tail of Confucius, you may say that," replied the poet with the same seriousness he had from the first evinced. "Having, in so unutterable a manner, obtained the precedency of my promiscuous cotemporaries, I had no alternative but to enter into competition with myself. That I have to so wonderful an extent exceeded my own super-excellence, therefore, cannot be considered strange; but, as you are evidently gratified in a manner perfectly unparalleled by the unimaginable superiority of my poetic genius, I will show my consideration of your admirable sagacity by enrapturing you still more completely by a more transcendental attempt at the sublime;" and the young Chinese began unfolding another paper.

"Not now, I'm very much obliged to you," said Oriel, rising as if to depart. "I have business of importance that requires my immediate attendance; and, having waited for Long Chi so long, I am afraid I cannot protract my visit."

"Not to be ravished by the immortal praises of the adorable Fee Fo Fum?" exclaimed the melancholy poet in the utmost astonishment.

"I cannot allow myself that pleasure at present," said the merchant's son, courteously, yet looking as if he was impatient to be gone.

"I've written an indestructible epos in fifty cantos, descriptive of all her beauties, with a due regard of anatomy. I'll read you the whole of it, if you will stay," added the lover.

"I'm infinitely thankful; but my time is precious," observed Oriel, making rapid strides to the door.

"I will enrapture you with a thousand hexameters declaratory of my incommunicable affections," shouted the prolific versifier.

"Good morning to you, Long Chi," exclaimed Oriel Porphyry, as he opened the door, evidently very desirous of making his escape. He was on the point of leaving the room, accompanied by Zabra, when he was stopped in his progress by the appearance of a stout elderly Chinese, wearing the appearance of profound gravity. No sooner had he entered, than the poet shuffled his papers hastily into his pouch, jumped off the divan, and approached the stranger with looks of veneration and awe.

"Father, here are the barbarians you expected," said he. The ceremony of introduction was soon over; the two friends returned to their seats; and old Long Chi, seating himself cross-legged on the divan, commenced a conversation with his visitors, while his son remained standing beside him in respectful attention. He was dressed in a fashion somewhat similar to that of the younger Chinese; but the materials were not so gay, nor were they formed with so much neatness; and he wore boots of black satin instead of slippers, and a short cloak of fine cloth trimmed with fur.

"I have been sacrificing at the temple, which has detained me longer than I anticipated," said Long Chi the elder. "But religion is the first concern of life. Nothing should stand in the way of religion. The Bonzes are the only teachers of truth; and the worship of Fo is the only way that leads to virtue."

Neither Zabra nor his patron attempted to dispute this doctrine.

"I have been reading, father," falteringly uttered the poet--"I have been reading----"

"Hold your tongue, Long Chi," exclaimed his parent sharply.

"Father, I obey," murmured the obedient youth.

"Obedience is the first of virtues, and duty to parents the first of all obedience," remarked the old man, with a tone that seemed to his son more infallible than the sentence. "Children, obey your parents, saith our religion; and if they are disobedient we give them a touch of the bamboo." The poet at this moment looked remarkably grave. "Subjects, obey your rulers, saith the law; and if we become unruly _we_ get a touch of the bamboo." And the father looked as grave as his son.

"That is, I suppose, what is called being bamboo-zled," observed Oriel Porphyry with a smile.

"It is no laughing matter to us, I can assure you," added the old man feelingly; "but it is a fine thing for children. Our religion says, Spare the bamboo, and spoil the child: and I'm attentive to religion."

"I wish it said, Spoil the bamboo, and----"

"Hold your tongue, Long Chi!" thundered out the parent.

"Father, I obey," tremblingly replied the son.

"The bastinado is the best thing in the world for children," continued the elder, frowning upon his offspring. "We are obliged to provide for their bodies, and it is but proper we should do what we can for their soles. When a schism occurs in the family, I always punish it in that way."

"Then it becomes a sole-cism," added the young man, sorrowfully.

The old Chinese snatched up a heavy bamboo cane with which he had been walking, and swung it furiously round his head, with the intention of dealing a severe blow upon the poet's shoulders, but the lover of the adorable Fee Fo Fum jumped out of the way with more agility than submission, and the blow chipped off a corner of the japanned table.

"Is this the way you show your obedience, you undutiful wretch?" shouted Long Chi, as he jumped off the divan, in a rage after the offender. "Where's your religion? Where's your duty to parents? Spare the bamboo and spoil the child! Come and be bastinadoed, you ungrateful youth!" So saying, he waddled after his son as rapidly as he could, making desperate attempts to knock him down; but as Long Chi the younger not only was not so dutiful as to wait to be bastinadoed, but jumped out of the way of the blows as fast as they were aimed at him, Long Chi the elder, much fatigued by his exertions, at last returned to the divan, after having afforded infinite diversion to his visitors.

"I wonder the roof doesn't fall in and cover you, you unnatural offspring!" exclaimed the father, shaking the bamboo at his son, who stood trembling at a respectful distance; then wiping the perspiration from his shaven crown, he added, addressing the young friends, and the poet, by turns, "You are shocked, no doubt, at this instance of youthful depravity--Oh the graceless scoundrel! to run away from his affectionate father, who was going to beat him black and blue!--But I am happy to say, that there are few children in China so indifferent to the mild virtues of paternal government.--Come here, and let me knock your undutiful head into a thousand pieces, you vagabond!--It is a sad thing, I acknowledge, for the father of a family, who is anxious to bring up a child in the way it should go, to find it so insensible of his loving-kindness.--Oh, if I had you near enough, I'd smash you into a custard, you graceless varlet!--but you see a parent's heart is always overflowing with natural affection for his own flesh and blood.--By the great Fo, I should be delighted to bastinado you within an inch of your life!--Religion and morality, in these atheistical times, are thought nothing of by some children.--Haven't I brought you up, you heathen! on purpose to knock you down?--But this isn't the worst of it--they have become rank republicans. They have no proper notion of law, order, or government. When the father takes to his bamboo, the son takes to his heels--abominable rebel!--and when one flies in a passion the other flies in his face--unparalleled traitor!"

The entrance of servants, announcing that dinner was ready, put an end to the altercation; and Long Chi the elder, with much suavity, pressed his visitors to remain his guests for the remainder of the day; which invitation Oriel Porphyry, imagining that he should be free from all persecution from the rhyming propensities of his host's son, and expecting some amusement from the peculiarities of the two, forgot his engagements, and agreed to prolong his visit. Long Chi the elder then took one hand of each of his guests in his own and proceeded with them into a handsome apartment, furnished in a style similar to the one they had left. In the centre was a small low table, having four seats or cushions at its sides. The father and son sat opposite each other, cross-legged: and their visitors sat as comfortably as they could, facing each other, at the other sides of the table. Before each was placed three elegant porcelain saucers, one containing soy, another a small quantity of vinegar, and the other was empty; and, beside these, were two little ivory sticks. The other part of the table was covered with similar porcelain saucers, filled with various specimens of Chinese cookery in fish, flesh, and fowl, cut small; and servants handed round these with dishes of vegetables, such as cabbages, cucumbers, rice, and cauliflowers; and pastry of many different kinds, as they were directed by the host.

Both Oriel and Zabra watched with considerable surprise the two Chinese take the little ivory sticks in the three first fingers of the right hand, and, placing the head forward, and opening the mouth wide, dip them in the saucers, catching up pieces of flesh, which they flavoured with the vinegar, and dexterously flinging them into their mouths; and repeating the process so rapidly, that the eye could scarcely follow their movements. The guests attempted the same manoeuvres; but, as may easily be imagined, they were not so successful: for one piece that went into the mouth, a dozen went out; and, rapidly as the different saucers were handed to them, by the desire of the master of the house, they found that their appetites were not in any thing like the same degree becoming satisfied. Pieces of silver paper were frequently placed near them, with which they as frequently wiped their mouths and fingers, and not before such an operation was required; for their awkward attempts at imitating their entertainers occasioned them to deposit on their persons a considerable portion of the gravy or sauces in which the meat was dressed. Old Long Chi was indefatigable in endeavouring to make his visiters taste the contents of every saucer upon the table; in which effort they would gladly have seconded him, had their ability kept pace with their inclinations; but, to their exceeding disappointment, they found that the more they tried the less they swallowed; and, although they dipped their sticks and bobbed their heads after the savoury viands as they dropped from their treacherous hold, they had the mortification of finding, when the saucers were cleared away, that they were left in the enjoyment of quite as much appetite as they possessed when they first sat down to dinner.

Several kinds of soups were now brought on table, in curious boat-shaped vessels of porcelain; and with these, to the great gratification of the guests, appeared ivory spoons. Every one of the soups was tasted; and gladly would Oriel have made use of his spoon upon the more substantial cookeries that had been carried away: but he saw no more of them; and, the table having been cleared of the soups, fruits, and preserves, with glasses of a spirit made from rice were handed round. At this time, Long Chi the elder bent his head reverentially, and said, in a fervent manner, and with an audible voice,

"Grant, O Fo, that the good things thou hast so bountifully provided for us do not interfere with our digestion, or trouble us with apoplexy!" and left the apartment to change his dress; soon after which the guests, preceded by the younger Long Chi, returned to the saloon, where they partook of tea and sweetmeats.

"Now that the old boy has gone," said the melancholy poet, as soon as he had seated himself on the divan, "I will give you the felicitous gratification of hearing the perusal of my great epic in praise of the adorable Fee Fo Fum."

"Not for the world!" exclaimed Oriel Porphyry, with remarkable emphasis; "I would not trouble you on any account."

"Trouble!" cried the lover, as he commenced searching in his pouch; "by the inconceivable tail of Confucius, 'tis to me the most superlatively exquisite of extraordinary gratifications; and, when you come to entertain a proper consciousness of the inestimable treasures of intellectual greatness, which I have lavished with so profuse a liberality for the purpose of giving immortality to the unrivalled attractions of the adorable Fee Fo Fum, you will acknowledge, with that profound sagacity which you have already evinced by your commendation of my incorruptible effusions, that the particular portions of the diurnal revolution you have passed in obtaining an adequate knowledge of its innumerable excellences, has appeared to you to proceed with such an agreeable velocity, that you cannot, with any particular positiveness, assert that you have, during that period, been in a state which is vulgarly called existence."

"There is no doubt of it," replied Oriel, with considerable uneasiness, as he observed his tormentor unfolding a paper for perusal; "but I can only enjoy such things at certain periods; and at present I am positive that the merits of your productions would be entirely lost upon me."

"By the great Fo, impossible!" exclaimed the poet. "In what corner of the world hides the wretch so lost to every noble feeling--so lost to every sense of excellence--so inhuman, unnatural, and preposterously ignorant--as to listen to the incorruptible wisdom with which I can enlighten him, and not become transported into the very heaven of heavens?"

"You have already enlightened us to an extent as far as our limited intellects allow us to be enlightened by such productions as those you have read," observed Zabra, with an earnest attempt to be serious; "and it would be only throwing away the talents you possess on persons utterly incompetent to appreciate their merits, if you continue the perusal of your effusions."

"All imaginary," said the persevering versifier; "and you will forget it in your sense of the sublime which must be excited by hearing the perusal of the following passage." Long Chi the younger had opened his manuscript, had made a preparatory flourish of his hand, and had commenced some description, with the ordinary exclamation, "Oh!" when, happening to cast his eye towards the door, he encountered the frowning visage of his father. His hand dropped from its elevation: he quickly whipped his papers into his pouch, and jumped off the divan, with a celerity particularly acceptable to Zabra and his companion.

Old Long Chi appeared in a dress much more splendid than the one he had previously worn; and, gravely fixing himself in the seat his son had vacated, he commenced a conversation upon the business and voyage of his guests. Old Long Chi was a merchant of considerable experience and great wealth, with whom Master Porphyry had long had commercial dealings. He was remarkable for a profound gravity, a pair of moustachios the points of which descended to his chin, and a tail of hair which was the admiration of all his countrymen. Although he had passed the early part of his life in India, and had married an Anglo-Indian, on his return, like all Chinese, he continued the customs of his country, and gloried in its fancied superiority over the rest of the world. He had always been distinguished as a severe moralist. He seemed desirous of acquiring the praise of the Bonzes for the regularity of his attendance at the temples; and sought to be respected in society for the liberality of his contributions towards religious objects. Oriel and he were a considerable time agreeing about some merchandise that both had to barter; during which the melancholy poet stood at a respectful distance, looking at his parent, and then at the bamboo, with more dread than affection; while Zabra amused himself by taking notice of the scene before him.

"You have not seen much of our incomparable country, I suppose?" inquired the old man as he sipped a strong infusion of the tea leaf from a beautiful porcelain cup.

"I have only landed this morning," replied his guest.

"Ah! then you have much to see," added the other. "It is the most ancient government under the sun; and such a government! such laws, such institutions, and such a religion! The Emperor is quite a father to his subjects."

"With the bamboo, father?" asked his son tremblingly.

"Hold you tongue, Long Chi!" bawled out the old man.

"Father, I obey!" murmured the youth submissively.

"Are the laws mild in their operation?" inquired Zabra.

"Remarkably so," replied Long Chi the elder. "When punishment is inflicted, it is done on the most humane principles: you may get bastinadoed till you faint with pain; and then you will get bastinadoed till you recover."

"How very paternal!" exclaimed the young Long Chi emphatically.

"Silence, Long Chi!" shouted the old man.

"Father, I obey!" said his obedient son.

Both Zabra and his patron seemed much amused by this description of the mildness of the Chinese laws; but, fearing, if he pressed the subject much farther, the bamboo might come into operation in the domestic sovereignty with a similar character, Oriel Porphyry said,--

"I was much surprised with the great variety of dishes that appeared at dinner."

"Our preparations for the table are endless," responded his host. "In our cookery books we have fifty different ways of dressing dogs' ears."

"I could find a way of dressing dogs' ears in any book," muttered the melancholy poet at a distance.

"I'll give yours a dressing, you puppy! if you don't hold your tongue," bawled his father.

"Dogs' ears!" exclaimed Zabra in surprise: "we had none to-day, had we?"

"We had six different varieties, of each of which you partook," replied the other.

"Bah!" said Oriel Porphyry, with a countenance expressing any thing but pleasure.

"But that was not the only delicacy brought on table," continued the old man. "You seemed particularly to enjoy a fricassee of the rats of Loo Choo."

"Rats! we haven't been eating rats, surely?" demanded Zabra, as if horrorstruck at the idea.

"And you swallowed nearly the whole of the soup made from the large slugs of Japan!" he added.

"Ugh!" exclaimed both his visiters in a breath, looking in the highest degree disgusted at the idea of such fare.

"It is dangerous," said the melancholy poet, gravely, "to load either the stomach or your arms with slugs; especially----" He was not allowed time to finish the sentence; for, seeing his father snatch up the dreaded bamboo, and spring off the divan towards him, with a look threatening utter extermination, he dived under a table, leaped over an ottoman, dodged round several vases, and then rapidly made his exit out at the door, closely pursued by his parent; and their visiters, fancying that they had had quite enough of Chinese hospitality, hastened their departure.

They were proceeding through the narrow streets of Canton, bounded by the gloomy walls that shut out the houses from public view, experiencing some very disagreeable sensations, when they heard a violent altercation, and thought they distinguished voices familiar to them. They listened.

"Oh! oh! oh! This is not arguing logically. Oh! oh! This is demonstration without reason. Oh! oh! oh!" was heard amid a shower of blows.

"Oh! oh! you're breaking my back--don't you see! Ah! murder! help!" was shouted with similar accompaniments; and a door in the wall opening, out ran Fortyfolios and Tourniquet, making a desperate outcry, and vainly striving to save themselves from the thick sticks of half a dozen infuriated Chinese, who were belabouring them without mercy. Oriel, as soon as he saw the state of the case, rushed in amongst the attacking party; quickly deprived one of his weapon, and laid about him with such dexterity and vigour, that three out of the six were left senseless on the ground, and the rest had vanished before the philosophers discovered to whom they were indebted for their rescue.

"I am astonished that I should have found you in such a situation," remarked the young merchant to the professor and his companion, who, with most rueful visages, were busily engaged in rubbing their legs, shoulders, arms, and backs.

"Why, I will explain it to you as logically as I can," said Fortyfolios, moving his features and body into an abundance of contortions. "Oh, this pain! it certainly is a physical evil."

"That I deny!" eagerly exclaimed the other, writhing from the effects of his beating. "Pain is a perception of the mind, and cannot exist independently of mental perceptions--don't you see?"

"Impossible!" replied the professor, limping along as if every bone in his body was broken. "I maintain that it is a sensation purely corporeal, as there never yet was any pain where there was no body."

"You know nothing about it," sharply rejoined the doctor, cautiously feeling with his hands to discover his fractures. "There is mental anguish, in which the physical has no connection--don't you see?"

"But, gentlemen, what has this argument to do with the information I required?" asked the young merchant.

"I was about to enter into the subject in a proper manner, when Doctor Tourniquet interrupted me," observed Fortyfolios.

"I deny that!" eagerly exclaimed the surgeon.

"Doctor Tourniquet, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!" said the professor, assuming all his dignity.

"I deny that!" repeated the pertinacious disputant.

"Doctor, you are more than usually disputative," remarked Zabra.

"I deny that!" continued he: and it now became evident to Oriel Porphyry and his young friend, that both the professor and the doctor were exhilarated into a state nearly approaching intoxication.

"Demonstration! demonstration! Give me accurate demonstration: I'll not be convinced without it--don't you see?" said the surgeon.

"Argument is thrown away upon you: you are unreasonable, illogical, and inconvincible," muttered the other.

"Prove it! prove it! Give me the proof positive--let me behold the proof circumstantial," exclaimed his antagonist.

"Doctor Tourniquet, I beg you'll be silent," said the young merchant, in a tone that admitted of no dispute; and the doctor seemed only anxious to discover the extent of the hurts he had received. "And now, Professor Fortyfolios," he continued, "you can proceed."

"To come to a proper understanding of the case, you must be made aware that we left the Albatross on purpose to see whatever was worthy of observation in the city," observed the professor; "and, as I possessed a letter of introduction to a Columbian resident, there we first proceeded. We were heartily welcomed, and treated with a national hospitality; and were shown several remarkable things, of which the world will hear at a fitting opportunity. In returning from a place we had visited together, our friend suddenly left us to talk to some acquaintance he saw at the end of the street; and we thought we saw him go into a house, where we knocked. We were admitted; and I began explaining to the fellows, by whom we were immediately surrounded, that I desired to see my friend; but, without the slightest attempt at argument, the unreasonable brutes commenced beating us with heavy cudgels, till they were dispersed by your appearance."