Chapter 2

Peacock What did she say under her breath about dying?

Trippet She says she'd rather die than lose him. She's crazy about him.

Peacock Well, that's a passion that's arrived rather suddenly.

Trippet And a proper one, too.

Peacock But, it's a sort of madness, Trippet.

Trippet Assuredly. Now, if you were to forbid her to love him, she would love him even more.

Peacock Who are these people coming here?

(Enter Jeremy and Worthy.)

Trippet They seem to be some kind of soldiers.

Jeremy (disguised as a colonel) I am looking for Dr. Peacock. They say he looks rather large and bloated. Necessarily, it must be you.

Peacock I am Dr. Peacock.

Jeremy Ah, sir, let me embrace you. In the fashionable world you are often spoken of. They say you are a clever doctor and your prescriptions are written in elegant Latin.

Peacock Sir!

Jeremy Ah, ha! Who are these lovely ladies?

Peacock This is my daughter and this is her maid.

Jeremy To show you how much honor I feel for you and everything that belongs to you, I insist on embracing them, too.

Harriet Just a minute, Mr. Officer.

Trippet Do you take us to be barmaids?

Peacock (low) These fellows are very impertinent.

Jeremy Have you more than one daughter?

Peacock No, sir.

Jeremy So much the worse. When they are made like these they can be easily married off.

Peacock Well, God willing, I'm just about to marry her to an apothecary friend of mine.

Jeremy Very good idea. Your patients certainly won't have to wait for enemas and purges.

Peacock They will lack nothing.

Jeremy The more I look at your daughter, the more I find she looks like you.

Peacock You're joking!

Jeremy Word of a soldier! She's you in miniature. Your eyes are the same except for the coloring. Her little nose becomes large like yours: oval face, square face; really the resemblances are astonishing in certain families.

Peacock Come, sir, if you will. What are you getting at?

Jeremy That maid of yours is making eyes at me. Apparently, I was made to be the sport of a wench. They always tease me.

Peacock Sir, for God's sake, tell me who you are.

Jeremy I am a colonel and you see me here with my major. I come to consult you about an illness.

Harriet Goodbye, Mr. Colonel.

Jeremy Why are you running off, pretty ladies?

Trippet We don't want to hear the conversation of an officer who consults a doctor.

(Exit Trippet and Harriet.)

Jeremy I want to tell you, sir--no boasting--I'm well thought of by the combat troops.

Peacock I'm sure of it, and I congratulate you, sir.

Jeremy When there's something particularly tough to do, they always call for me. Ask my major.

Worthy It's true.

Peacock I believe it.

Jeremy So, you see, I have all the honor and reputation I could wish. Unfortunately, my body isn't made of iron.

Peacock I see.

Jeremy I came down with asthma in Germany while I was pursuing the enemy.

Peacock The cause of your illness is worthy of--

Jeremy Here's how it happened to me. I reconnoitred an enemy scouting party. I attacked them; they resisted. I redoubled my efforts. They regrouped. Then, they fled. I followed them, but then I was obliged to give up the pursuit. I couldn't get my breath. They said I have swollen glands. So, since then, I've been asthmatic.

Peacock (aside) He's consulting me for his own amusement--but I will mock him in his turn. (aloud) You wish a remedy that will soothe you?

Jeremy Exactly!

Peacock I have an infallible remedy. But, I have a scruple about curing you.

Jeremy What's that?

Peacock I think you should keep your asthma and seek a disability pension.

Jeremy I like your idea.

(Enter Dudley from the house and Flem after him.)

Dudley Murder! Help! Help! Fire!

Peacock Why all this noise?

Jeremy What do I see? There's a face I've seen before. Yes, my word, it really is! It's Rosebud. Major, don't you recognize him?

Worthy It's Rosebud all right. The deserter.

Dudley Oh, yes, sir, it's me. I beg for pardon.

Jeremy Coward! Fortune has delivered you to justice.

Dudley Oh, Colonel, have pity on me.

Jeremy Say, what! God! Why did you disappear without leave?

Dudley The Captain was always beating me and there was nothing I could do!

Jeremy For God's sake, abandon the battlefield because you were beaten? To avenge yourself on your captain, couldn't you wait till after the battle? Major, call Sergeant Slaughter and some soldiers to take this deserter to the guardhouse.

(Exit Worthy to the street.)

Peacock You never told me, you bastard, that you were a deserter.

Dudley I never dared to tell you, sir.

Peacock What a mess this wretch has got me in.

(Worthy returns with several soldiers.)

Sergeant Slaughter What is it, sir?

Jeremy Arrest that man.

Peacock Sir, I beg you to pardon him.

Flem We both ask you.

Jeremy (folding his arms) It upsets me, gentlemen, not to be able to do as you wish. But, when it comes to punishing infractions of military rules, I am inexorable.

Peacock I will cure your asthma.

Jeremy I should look to my pension.

Flem I'll furnish you all the medicine you need for your old age.

Jeremy (after a struggle) No. No. (to soldiers) Hurry up, take this clown without more discussion. You will see that this poor devil will die as quickly in my hands as in yours.

(Enter Trippet and Harriet.)

Trippet What noise is this I hear? What brouhaha are you making here?

Dudley Intercede for me, Trippet. They want to hang me as a deserter.

Trippet Why, gentlemen, if you want to kill him, why not leave him in the hands of Dr. Peacock?

Harriet Grant him his life, Mr. Colonel.

Jeremy No mercy.

Harriet Be a human being.

Trippet We beg you.

Jeremy Don't pester me any more. Guards! Seize him!

Peacock (aside) It's easy to see what the outcome will be with these people. (aloud) Listen, Mr. Colonel, so as not to waste time talking, I am going to count out a hundred gold pieces--or more.

Jeremy I am incorruptible.

Trippet What, sir, can you resist the sound of money and the prayers of a beautiful lady?

Jeremy How can I resist? I am not a judge. Do you take me for a judge?

Trippet Dr. Peacock has a ten thousand pound insurance policy on the life of this man.

Peacock That's right. Would you consider going shares on him?

Jeremy I don't know what to do.

Trippet If you wish to kill him, let us die with him.

Jeremy Well, then--let him run the gauntlet.

Trippet Listen, Mr. Colonel, I've got an idea how to fix everything.

Jeremy How? What way?

Trippet Marry my mistress.

Jeremy What, me! For God's sake, my dear friend, if you don't have a better idea than that, Rosebud is going to hang.

Worthy Oh, it's too much. Colonel. You've go to give it up. Free him.

Jeremy That's easy for you to say. But, if you were in my place--the rank of Colonel would cause you to speak differently.

Worthy No--word of honor.

Jeremy All right! You marry her and I consent at that price to spare the deserter.

Trippet Come no, Mr. Major, consider how charming she is.

Worthy I have little taste for marriage--but to please the Colonel--I'll do it. But, only if the doctor gives me a large dowry. It is not right to marry a woman who brings nothing.

Jeremy He's right, Doctor. It's necessary to make it worth his while. Make over all your wealth to him.

Peacock Your humble servant. I prefer you to hang Mr. Rosebud. I'll be off much cheaper.

Trippet Mr. Major, you seem generous. Accept my mistress on the same terms she was to be married to Mr. Flem. That's to say, for one-half the interest on the ten thousand pounds that the Doctor has put on the head of Dudley.

Peacock That, I can live with.

Worthy To accommodate you, sir, I would like to consent.

Flem And, I won't object. I free you of your promise, Doctor.

(Exit Flem.)

Dudley But, who will care for me? The father-in-law or the son-in-law?

Peacock I will. I will treat you as I always have.

Dudley That being the case, I prefer to run the gauntlet.

Worthy No, Rosebud, no. I will care for you. I will care for his health.

Jeremy I've suddenly taken it into my head to get married, too. With this flirt.

Peacock What, Colonel? You wish to marry the maid after having refused the mistress?

Jeremy I will ennoble her. There, Trippet. From wench, I make you a lady of quality.

Trippet It won't be the first such metamorphosis.

CURTAIN

TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: A few lines of dialogue have been added to the play explaining what a tontine is. Tontines were named for an Italian Banker named Tonti who discovered the scheme. Strange as it may seem this play got Le Sage in a great deal of trouble because the government was employing the Tontine as a means of raising revenue and this play was regarded as a subversive attack on the revenue system of the monarchy.