Part 15

After all, 'tis not fitting that a man should put his arm round one's waist, whether one belongs to any one but one's self or not. 'Tis much against what I have always thought most sacred,--the dignity of a woman in her own eyes and those of others. I like Dr. ---- most exceedingly. He spoke every way to my feelings of what was right, to-day. After saying that he felt convinced, from conversations which he had heard amongst men, that waltzing was immoral in its tendency, he added, "I am married, and have been in love, and cannot imagine any thing more destructive of the deep and devoted respect which love is calculated to excite in every honourable man's heart, not only for the individual object of his affections, but for her whole sex, than to see any and every impertinent coxcomb in a ball-room come up to her, and, without remorse or hesitation, clasp her waist, imprison her hand, and absolutely whirl her round in his arms." So spake the Doctor; and my sense of propriety and conviction of right bore testimony to the truth of his saying. So, farewell, sweet German waltz!--next to hock, the most intoxicating growth of the Rheinland. I shall never keep time to your pleasant measure again!--no matter; after all, any thing is better than to be lightly spoken of, and to deserve such mention. Mr. ---- called, and sat some time with me. He is grown monstrously fat, and looks perfectly radiant. He brought with him a good-looking staring man of the name of ----. We dined at three. After dinner, received a pretty anonymous nosegay, with sundry very flattering doggrel. The play was the Stranger. It poured cats and dogs, and the streets were all grey pudding. I did not expect to see six people in the house; instead of which 'twas crowded: a satisfactory proof of our attraction.

_Friday, 23d._

At eleven, went to rehearsal--Isabella. I have forgotten all about it. They all read their parts; came home; began to practise. The two Mrs. ---- called. I like them mainly, Mrs. ---- particularly. While they were here, Mr. ---- and a man called; they stayed but a minute. By and by, in walked Mr. and Mrs. ----; whereupon the ---- departed.

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While they were here, received from ---- the beautiful annual he has bought for me, which is, indeed, most beautiful; and with it, literally a copy of verses, which are _not so bad neither_--only think of that!!! The engravings are from things of Stanfield's, taken on the Rhine; and made my heart ach to be once more in Europe, in the old land where fairy tales are told; in the old feudal world, where every rock, and valley, and stream, are haunted with imaginings wild and beautiful: the hallowed ground of legend history; the dream-land of fancy and of poetry. Put out things for the theatre: dined at three. Colonel ---- called: he brought news of the arrival of a Liverpool packet, and prophesied letters to me. Went to the theatre. Play, Hunchback--house very fine again. Just as I was dressing for the second act, three letters were brought into my room.

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I was so much overset by them, that with the strange faculty I have of pouring one feeling into another, I cried so bitterly in the parting scene with Clifford, that I could scarcely utter the words of my part.

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_Saturday, 24th._

Our riding expedition having been put off, the day was beautifully bright and clear. Sat stitching and pottering an infinity. My feet got so perished that I didn't know what to do. Wrote journal; practised for an hour; Mr. ---- called. When he was gone, went out with my father. Called at ----'s to order home my gown for dinner-time. Left a card at Mrs. ----'s, and then marched down to the tailor's to upbraid him about my waistcoat, which is infamously ill made.[62] Coming home, met that very odious Mr. ----, who is the perfection of genteel vulgarity. He walked home with us. Dressed for dinner. Mme. ---- did not send my gown home in time: abominable sempstress! so put on my blue, and looked rather dowdy. Found sundry that we knew: Colonel ----; Mr. ----; my favourite aversion, Mr. ----; that signal fool, Mr. ----; Miss ----, who looked like a hair-dresser's wax block; a Miss ----, with lovely feet, and a terrified Bacchante-looking head, _cum multis aliis_. I sat by one Mr. ----, who talked without end, and cleverly enough: indeed, it was rather clever to talk so wonderfully fast and much. After dinner, the party became much larger: Dr. ----, Mr. ----, the ---- (all but ----), that entire self-satisfaction, Mr. ----, Mr. ----, and the knight of the rueful countenance; three singing men, ycleped ----; and a shoal besides. One of the Mr. ---- and Miss ---- sang the duet in the Didone, that dear ---- and ---- used to sing so lovelily. They both had good voices, but the style is but so-soish. Presently, three men sang that sea glee that I remember Lord and Lady ---- teaching me at ----. What a strange faculty of our nature this is, this leading back of our minds to the past, through the agency of our senses, acted upon by present influences, the renewing life, the magical summoning up of dead time from its grave, with the very place and circumstance it wore. Wondrous riddle! what--what are we, that are so curiously made? By and by dancing was proposed, and I was much entreated and implored to change my determination about waltzing; but I was inexorable, and waltzed only with the ladies, who one and all dance extremely well. Mrs. ---- looked lovely to-night. Dr. ---- says very true, she has a thorough-bred look, which reminds me a little of our noble English ladies. He says she is like Lady ----. I think she is prettier: she certainly looks like a gem. We danced a Kentucky reel, and sundry quadrilles. That long ens, Mr. ----, was tipsy, and went slithering about in a way to kill one; and Mr. ---- was sitting slyly in the corner, pretending to talk to D----, but in fact dying with laughter at poor ----, who meandered about the room, to the infinite dismay and confusion of the whole dance. Vain were the vigorous exertions of his partner, who pulled him this way and that, and pushed him hither and thither, to all which the unresisting creature submitted incorrigibly. Remained dancing till half-past twelve, in fact Sunday morning, and then came home. They made me sing, which I did abominably. On my return home, found my black satin gown, every atom of which will have to be unpicked--pleasant! the tradespeople here are really terrible; they can do nothing, and will take no pains to do any thing: 'tis a handsome gown spoilt.[63]

_Sunday, 25th._

My dear father's birth-day! also, by the by, a grand occasion here--the anniversary of the evacuation of the island by the British troops, which circumstance the worthy burghers have celebrated ever since with due devotion and thankfulness. Went to church: Dr. ---- did not preach, which was a disappointment to me. The music was exquisite; and there was a beautiful graceful willow branch, with its long delicate fibres and golden leaves, waving against the blue sky and the church window, that seemed to me like a magical branch in a fairy tale. It struck me as strange to-day, as I looked from the crowded gloomy church to the bright unbounded sky, to think that we call the one the house of God; to be sure, we have other authority for calling the blue heavens his throne; and oh, how glorious they did look! The day was bright, but bitter cold. Coming out of church, saw all our last night's party. On my return home found a perfect levee; Dr. ----, Mr. ----, Mr. ----, Mr. ----, Mr. ----, a whole regiment. When they were all gone, wrote journal: having finished that and my lunch, set out with my father to _fetch a walk_; which we did to the tune of near six miles, through all the outskirts of the town, an exceedingly low-life ramble indeed--during which we came across a man who was preaching in the street. He had not a very large assembly round him, and we stood in the crowd to hear him. By his own account, he had been imprisoned before for a similar proceeding; and he was denouncing, most vehemently, signal judgments on the blind and wicked corporation who had so stopped the work of righteousness. The man's face was a very fine one, remarkably intelligent and handsome: he was cleanly and well dressed, and had altogether a respectable appearance. When we came home, it was past four. Dressed for dinner. My father dined with Mr. ----; so D---- and I had a _tête-à-tête_ dinner. After which, played on the piano for some time; after which, began letter to H----; after which, wrote journal.

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_Monday, 26th._

Yesterday was evacuation day; but as yesterday was the Lord's day also, the American militia army postponed their yearly exhibition, and, instead of rushing about the streets in token of their thankfulness at the departure of the British, they quietly went to church, and praised God for that same. To-day, however, we have had firing of pop-guns, waving of star-spangled banners (some of them rather the worse for wear), infantry marching through the streets, cavalry (oh, Lord, what delicious objects they were!) and artillery prancing along them, to the infinite ecstasy and peril of a dense mob. Went to rehearsal at half-past ten. Was detained full ten minutes on the way thither, by the defiling of troops, who were progressing down Broadway. After rehearsal, came home--put out things for the theatre. Mr. ---- called: while he was here, spent a delightful half hour at the window, which, overlooking the Park, commanded a full view of the magnanimous military marshalled there. O, pomp and circumstance of glorious war! They were certainly not quite so bad as Falstaff's men, of ragged memory; for, for aught I know to the contrary, they perhaps _all_ of them had shirts to their backs. But some had gloves, and some had none; some carried their guns one way, and some another; some had caps of one fashion, and some of another; some had no caps at all, but "shocking bad hats," with feathers in them.[64] The infantry were, however, comparatively respectable troops. They did not march many degrees out of the straight line, or stoop _too much_, or turn their heads round _too often_. Mr. ---- remarked, that militia were seldom more steady and orderly in their appearance. But the cava'ry! oh, the cavalry! what gems without price they were! Apparently extremely frightened at the shambling _tituppy_ chargers upon whose backs they clung, straggling in all directions, putting the admiring crowd in fear of their lives, and proving beyond a doubt how formidable they must appear to the enemy, when, with the most peaceable intentions in the world, they thus jeopardied the safety of their enthusiastic fellow citizens. Bold would have been the man who did not edge backwards into the crowd, as a flock of these worthies a-horseback came down the street--some trotting, some galloping, some racking, some ambling; each and all "witching the world with wondrous horsemanship." If any thing ever might be properly called wondrous, they, their riders and accoutrements, deserve the title. Some wore boots, and some wore shoes, and one independent hero had got on grey stockings and _slippers_! Some had bright yellow feathers, and some red and black feathers! I remembered, particularly, a doctor, in a black suit, Hessian boots, a cocked hat, and bright yellow gauntlets; another fellow was dressed in the costume of one of the Der Freyschutz's corps: it looked for all the world like a _fancy_ parade. The officers fulfilled completely my idea of Macheath's company of gentlemen of the road; only, I strongly suspect the latter would have been heartily ashamed of the unhappy hacks the evacuation heroes had gotten up upon. The parade terminated with a full half hour's _feu de joie_.[65]

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The bands of these worthies were worthy of them; half a dozen fifers and drummers playing old English jig tunes. In spite of the folly and injustice of such a comparison, I could not keep out of my head the last soldiers I had seen, those fine tall fellows, the grenadier guards, that used to delight us of a Sunday morning in St. James's Park, and their exquisite band, and dandy-looking officers. Those _looked_ like soldiers, whatever they may fight like; and allowing these excellent good folks to be very lions, look you, I can only say their appearance approached the sublime, by as near as the French critic assures us the extreme of the ridiculous does. Dined at three; ---- and ---- called after dinner. My father went with Mr. ---- to Tammany Hall,[66] where there was a grand democratic dinner, in honour of the triumph of the Jackson party, the mob men here. I sat writing to ---- till time to go to the theatre. The play was Isabella; the house crammed; a regular holiday audience--shrieking, shouting, laughing, and rowing, like one of our own Christmas audiences. I acted like a wretch. My dresses looked very handsome, particularly my marriage dress; but my muslin bed-gown was so long that, I set my feet through it the very first thing; and those _animaux bêtes_, who dragged me off, tore a beautiful point lace veil I had on to tatters, a thing that cost three guineas, if a farthing! My father received a most amusing letter this morning from Lord ----, asking us to come over to Jamaica and act, offering us quarters in his house, and plenty of volunteer actors (did he include himself, I wonder?) to make up a company, if we will come. I should like it very well: to pass the winter in that nice warm climate would be delightful, and I dare say we should find our stay there amusing and agreeable enough. I wish we could do it.

_Tuesday, 27th._

After breakfast, Colonel ---- called. Put out things for to-night. At half-past twelve, went out with my father and Colonel ----. Called upon his honour, the Recorder, but he was in court, and not to be seen. Walked down to the Battery. The day was most lovely, like an early day in June in England: my merino gown was intolerable, and I was obliged to take a parasol with me, the sun was so powerful. The Battery was, as usual, totally deserted, though the sky, and shores, and beautiful bright bay, were smiling in perfect loveliness. A delicious fresh breeze came wandering over the wide estuary; and graceful boats, with their full sails glittering in the sun, glided to and fro, swift and strong, over the smooth waters, like summer clouds across the blue heavens--as silently, as rapidly, as tracklessly.[67]

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Came home at half-past one. Found a card from Mrs. ----. I'm sorry I didn't see her. ---- called, with one Mr. ----, kinsman to the authoress.

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While they were here, Mrs. ---- called to settle about to-morrow's ride. Mr. and Mrs. ---- arriving, the rest departed. We dined at three. After dinner, came to my own room; wrote journal; went on with letter to ----. At half-past five, went to the theatre. Play, the Gamester; my father's benefit; the house was very good. I played pretty well. Mr. ---- thoroughly bothered me, by standing six yards behind me: what a complete stroller's trick that is. So we are to act on Saturday. If I can go to the opera, all the same, I sha'n't mind so much; but I will be in most horrible dudgeon if it prevents that, for I want to hear this new prima donna. Mr. ---- was behind the scenes, and ---- _wrapt_, in his usual seat: he's a delightful bit of audience. Received a bill of the intended performances for Thursday, Mr. ----'s benefit; and such another farce as the whole thing is I never heard of; as Mr. ---- says, "the benefit of humbug," indeed.

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Came home. While we were at supper, my father showed me a note he had received from ----, which, to use a most admirable vulgarism, struck me all of a heap. A sort of threatening letter, desiring him, as he valued his interest, to come forward and offer to act Charles the Second for the said Mr. ----'s benefit, having already agreed to act in one piece, for said Mr. ----'s benefit. "O monstrous! monstrous! most unnatural!" What a vulgar wretch the man must be!

_Wednesday, 28th._

Mary ----'s wedding day! Poor lassie! I looked at the bright morning sun with pleasure for her sake. After breakfast, sat reading the poems of Willis, a young man, whose works, young as they evidently are, would have won him some consideration in any but such a thorough work-day world as this. I cried a good deal over some of this man's verses. I thought some of them beautiful; and 'tis the property of beauty to stir the wells of my soul sadly, rather than cast sunshine over them. I think all things are sad. 'Tis sad to hear sweet music; 'tis sad to read fine poetry; 'tis sad to look upon the beautiful face of a fair woman; 'tis sad to behold the unclouded glory of a summer's sky. There is a deep and lingering tone in the harmony of all beauty that resounds in our souls with too full and solemn a vibration for pleasure alone. In fact, _intensity_, even of joy and delight, is in itself serious; 'tis impossible to be fulfilled with emotion of any sort, and not feel as though we were within the shadow of a cloud.[68] I remember when first I recited Juliet to my mother, she said I spoke the balcony scene almost sadly. Was not such deep, deep love too strong, too passionate, too pervading, to be uttered with the light laughing voice of pleasure? Was not that love, even in its fulness of joy, sad--awful? However, perhaps, I do but see through my own medium, and fancy it the universal one. My eyes are dark, and most things look darkly through them. At about twelve o'clock Mrs. ---- called for me; and, escorted by her husband and Mr. ----, we rode forth to visit the island. We went to a pretty cottage belonging to Mr. ----'s father-in-law, Dr. ----. The day was still and grey--a pleasant day; there was no sunshine, but neither were there any dark shadows. My horse had been ill ridden by somebody or another, and was mighty disagreeable. Our ride was pleasant enough: there was not much variety in the country we passed through. Masses of granite and greenish basalt, wild underwood, and vivid bright-looking cedar bushes. The Hudson lay leaden and sullen under the wings of the restless wind. We stood to hear the delicious music of the water plashing against the rocky shore, which is the pleasantest sound in all the world. We then rode to a place ycleped Hell-gate,[69] from a dangerous current in the East river, where ships have been lost--and home through the mellow sunlight of a warm autumnal afternoon. Came in at a little past four. Devoured sundry puddings and pies; put out clothes for the evening; dined at five. My father dined at ----'s: I've an especial fancy for that man. After dinner, sat making blonde tippet, and strumming on the piano till eight. Drank tea, dressed, and off to Mrs. ----'s "small party, my dear."

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The people here have no conscience about the questions they ask, and, as I have one in answering, and always give them "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth," it follows that nothing can be more disagreeable than their queries, except my replies. Mr. ---- was there; I like him: he has something in him, and is not vulgar or impertinent. Was introduced to a very handsome French creole woman,[70] whom I liked: she reminded me of my mother, and her son bore a striking resemblance to dear ----. We stood up to dance a couple of quadrilles; but as they had not one distinct idea of what the figures were, the whole was a mess of running about, explaining, jostling, and awkward blundering.[71] I took greatly to the governess of the family, a German woman, with a right German face, a nice person, with quiet simple manners. The women's voices here distract me; so loud, so rapid, and with such a twang! What a pity! for they are, almost without an exception, lovely looking creatures, with an air of refinement in their appearance, which would be very attractive, but for their style of dress, and those said tremendous shrill loud voices.[72] Came home at twelve o'clock. My favourite aversion, Mrs. ----, was there.

_Thursday, 29th._

My birth-day

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After breakfast, sat writing to dear ---- for some time. Put out things for the theatre, and went to rehearsal. My father has received a most comical note from one ----, a Scotch gardener, florist, and seedsman; the original, by the by, of Galt's Lawrie Todd,--and original enough he must be. The note expresses a great desire that my father and myself will call upon him, for that he wishes very much to _look at us_--that the hours of the theatre are too late for him, and that besides, he wants to see us as ourselves, and not as "kings and princesses." I have entreated my father to go: this man must be worth knowing. I shall certainly keep his note. After rehearsal, came home. Wrote to ----, to dear ----. Mr. ---- called; also Colonel ----, who gave an account of the proceedings of the committee for ----'s benefit, which, added to the gentleman's own note to my father, thoroughly disgusted me. And here I do solemnly swear, never again, with my own good will, to become acquainted with any man in any way connected with the public press. They are utterly unreliable people, generally; their vocation requires that they should be so; and the very few exceptions I must forego, for however I might like them, I can neither respect nor approve of their trade; for trade it is in the vilest sense of the word. Dined at five. After dinner Mr. and Mrs. ---- came in.

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At eight, went to the theatre. The house was, in consequence of the raised prices, only three parts full. I just caught a glimpse of Forrest in the fourth act of Brutus. What an enormous man he is! After the play came sundry songs and recitations, and then Katharine and Petruchio. I did not play well: the actors were very inattentive, as well as stupid, and annoyed my father very much. The pit was half filled with women, opera fashion, who, for the greater attraction of the night, and satisfaction of themselves, were allowed to sit out of their proper places: to be sure they had the pleasure of the society of the volunteer heroes, who, for the benefit of Mr. ----, were all in full uniform. What an absurdity! Swallowed an ice. Saw ----, also Mr. ----, and young ---- behind the scenes. Came home and supped. Colonel ---- called, and discussed, first, the farce on the boards; then the farce before the curtain; finally, the farce of life, which, to my mind, is but a melancholy one.

_Friday, 30th._