Part 8

_Dear Doktor Hirsute_:--I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale. I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.

Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks," although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.

N. B.--Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material, and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50 Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send "Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.

P. S.--Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.

Yures quietly,

JOSH BILLINGS.

LXXVII.

PROVERBS.

He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that sutes him.

It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew _want_ a dimond ring, as tew _want_ a shirt.

The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.

I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.

Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.

Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.

Wimmin _luv_ their hustbands, but tha _worship_ their bonnets.

The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the result is no philozopher.

I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty, for they wont kno when they git to heaven.

Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.

Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the devel tha act.

Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.

I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.

True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a keen affectashun ov what iz rong.

"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?

If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew hear about sich things.

A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.

Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.

Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.

LXXVIII.

DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL.

Tew sarve up cowcumbers--pick them when the dew is on them, pare them neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts, pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then--raze up the window carefully, and throw them out.

Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa--steal them bi moonlite, and eat them in the next lot.

Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov the--rebbels.

Tew remove goose pimples--skin the goose.

Tew kure hams--bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.

Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go--travel that wa yourself.

LXXIX.

FAKS.

Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:

That onions are _good_ for a _bad_ breth.

That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.

That ships are kalled _she_ bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the _lookout_.

That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at least, 300 per cent.

That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in the morning.

That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he hollers glory halleluyer!

That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.

LXXX.

ON LECTURES.

Dec. 9, 1864

I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler. The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur--Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars--if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."

I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25 dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew be witty.

I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him.--I also reseaved 2 letters bi to daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable collums.--One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name "Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."

_Hennery_:--The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,--thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and--take it in egg.

_Mirakle_:--Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.

LXXX.

YANKEE NOSHUNS.

The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.

The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.

The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.

The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny body but themselfs.

The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him do az yu think.

The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled, but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.

The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it, and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.

The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once gits luce.

LXXXII.

ATTENTION! SQUAD!

Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way from the sun--how fass a comet travels--the best time that lightning can make--when the stars visit, and how long they are about it--the fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea--the flite ov a swallow--the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain, tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well in the dark, as in the light--knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov heat, or cold--is not traceable, or definable--has no parentage, and frequently no objek--is not matter, nor an essence--may fly in the glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger--is the pet ov almost evry one--can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate pashuns, plead in vain--is everywhare in an instant--feeds upon nothing but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought--steals into the sakred pulpit--at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth in her cheeks--hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta--cums in a whisper--is misterious as an echo--will betray for a prise--has made kings tremble--has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven modesta shreeking away--is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness, and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed? Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!

LXXXIII.

THE FUST BABY.

The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy--an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours--to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you--to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you--tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest--tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys--a feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed--tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about "Willie"-tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips--tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure--tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak that life takes--tew see the sunshine and shower--tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust--tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes--tiz this--oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.

LXXXIV.

LAUGHING.

Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale. Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake,--that cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, drawed out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert in it than the--stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it, az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are deep seated,--like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better than none,--but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks,--then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey,--this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade

LXXXV.

PIONEERS.

God bless the pironeers--the whole ov them--inkluding the man who fust rode a mule. Hiz name waz Stickfasst, he will be remembered az long az black wax will be, hiz posterity have aul bin good stickers, sum ov the best clothes-pins the world ever saw, cum from this familee.... I remember olde Buffaloo. He waz a sunsett pironeer; he started tew discover, "out west," 40 years ago, hiz property was a wife, with the side ake, 2 galls, just busting thru their clothes into womanhood, 2 boys, who kould kill a skunk at 3 paces, and dodge the smell, a one-hoss wagging, a rifle, and a brass-kittle, he squat at Rock River, in the Illinoise, for 6 months, and then moved on more westly, the last that ware seen ov him, was the hind-board ov hiz wagging, just doubling the top ov the rocky mountains.... And thare waz Beltrigging, who fust diskovered the tempranse question, he had bin a suckcessful rumdrinker, and seller for 36 years, and had retired with a pile, he diskovered kold water one day, on the back side ov hiz farm, digging out foxes; he lektured nex day, in a 7-day babtiss church, and told his xperiense; he made 13 hundred dollars lekturing, and died 9 years afterwards, in grate agony, having drank 4 drops ov french brandee, on a lump ov brown sugar bi mistake. He begot Springwater, and Springwater begot Rainwater, and Rainwater begot Dewdrop, and Dewdrop begot Morning-Mist, awl ov them selebrated tempranse lekturers.... And there waz Solomon Saw-dust, the author ov bran-bred, and nailrod-soup; he waz a champion ov lite weights; he fit the dispepshee in aul its forms; he lived for 18 months, at one heat, on the smell ov a red herring, and gained 9 pounds in wind. He had menny admirers and immitaturs the moste grate ov which was Wet Pack and Water Kure.... And there waz Mehitable Saffron, the virgin-hero ov wimmins' rights; i herd her fust orashun, in the town hall; she spoke without notes, at arms' length. She ced, "woman had a destiny that man kouldn't fill for her, and az for her, she could go it alone, she didn't want no he-creeter around her, she had on a pair of kowhide pegged boots, and closed up bi holding hi in the air, a pair ov corduroy breeches, which she swore bi the good olde Mozes, waz awl enny man had to brag ov".... She waz the first pironeer in the corduroy britches business, she died celibate, and haz had menny followers amung her sexes, but none that had the jism she had.... And then thare waz Old Perpetual; he got crazee at last, but not till he had invented a pitch-pine dog, with a bass-wood tail, that would bark and chase every wagging that cum along, clean down to the bridge over bean kreek. He got out a patent for a sorrel horse, and a nu milch cow, and lived till he was 90 years olde, and then died from a kold he had caught, down seller, trieing tew make soft sope, out ov bull's liver. On hiz grave stun waz these affekting paragraph: "State, and county rights for sale, enquire ov ---- the widder."

"_There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles of books no less than in the faces of men, by which a skilful observer will know as well what to expect from the one as the other._"--BUTLER.

* * * * *

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