Part 9

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired effect―she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S― kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say if he don’t come?

469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long remnants.

470. The renowned Mr. Wh―n, the famous astronomer, had made a calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half the time.

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome, cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish we were well gone too.

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich (the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it, with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come in.

473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that his new coat was too short for him; That’s true, answered his friend, but it will be long enough before I get another.

474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera will be damned.

475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next day by Lord Wharton,―So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks you have gained by honours.

476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could.

477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad, when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day’s march to my skin again.

478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month. Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.

479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the king, ’tis I have most reason to be so.

480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on, not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him a candle.

481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord loveth he chastizeth, and so do I.

482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me!

483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces?

484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach, with Phil. F―, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show; Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord, answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that you have more pride than honesty.

485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught. This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.

486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was born there he would do the same.

487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite, said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the pretender: What are those? said the other. The first, replied he, is, that he is an impostor, not really King James’s son: Why, that, said the Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be proved. And, pray, sir, what is your other? Why, said the Whig, that he is King James’s son.

488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal what everybody sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: of this sort was old Cross the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Cross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way; What the deuce, said he, do you make such a noise for? do you think one can’t hear?

489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called Pasquin, to which, in the night time, people affix the libels they dare not own; a kind of dumb satire on the vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope himself, as may be seen by the following story:―A late Pope, being descended from a very mean family, on his advancement to the holy see, bestowed great preferment on most of his poor relations; whereupon Pasquin, on the next great festival, early in the morning, was observed to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of paper in his hand, whereon was written, How now, Pasquin? What! so dirty upon a holiday? and under that his answer: Alas! I have no clean linen, my washerwoman is made a princess.

490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the Hibernian told him if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head and let the brains out of his empty skull!

491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, wrote in return, the following:

They say he has no heart, but I deny it: He has a heart, he gets his speeches by it.

492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate:―How do you live? Pretty well, sir, generally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do you get your bread? I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop. You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you how do you do? Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.

493. When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it: If you do you’ll be hanged;―to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: I’ll be hanged if I do.

494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is? My lord, replied the boy, I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not.

495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane, received a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not.

496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Holborn, being the subject of conversation in a party, a person inquired where he lived, if he had a large house, kept a good table, &c. Oh! yes, answered another, he lives in the greatest stile in Holborn.

497. Gentleman and ladies,―said the facetious Beau Nash, the then master of the ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into the ball-room,―this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson’s choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste.

498. A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed his lordship; Zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig.

499. During Lord Townshend’s residence in Dublin, as viceroy, he often went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a shoeblack, known by the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at the Globe Coffee-house door; having found him out, he stopped to get his boots cleaned; which was no sooner done than his lordship asked Peter to give him change for a guinea. A guinea! your honour, said the ragged wit, change for a guinea from me! Sir, you may as well ask a Highlander for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well pleased, that he left him the gold.

500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was upon the same good terms with his lady as the elements of water and lightning when they encounter in the atmosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her ladyship, that you would marry the devil’s daughter, after my decease, if her dowry were equal to your expectations. That is impossible, my lady, replied the earl, for it is contrary to the law of England to marry two sisters.

501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress’s order, again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.

502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king’s revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history, where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said said he, d’ye think I have no other business but to read histories? Faith, said the other, ’tis pity you had, till you had read a little more.

503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a 5_l._ bank note for her marriage portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan’s favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have made! La, ma’am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a 5_l._ note?

504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift’s clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. What, Roger, won’t you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch.

505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P―) observed, with great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the under-leathers of wood.

506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer.

507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line of his profession―to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.

508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick’s chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran―let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything.

509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter’s share at Drury Lane, where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a shilling, at a pawnbroker’s near the theatre, and redeem it when the performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest.

510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman, who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers.

511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen, in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man―Money! returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller.

512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of irregularities:―they demanded an apology. Shuter was somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience called out, Shuter! Shuter!―the arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter was received with applause.

513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman’s leg was shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow’s head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not perceived his friend’s last misfortune, but continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar.

514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn’t think you wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the old pocket!

515. What’s the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a poor negro to get oil.

516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark.

517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain on.

518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born!

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for her!―This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is killed but yourself?