Part 6

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France. Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets half way to Dover.

307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity. Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment, to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for the net now the fish is caught.

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales; with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could, called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so kind as throw my horse after me.

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really, replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you said.

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits, said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between son and son.

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C―d of the false taste of several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to see.

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears―Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one: Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob, cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s asses, and lo! here I have found them.

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What! cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text; which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University, which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon, he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and take your rest―and so left the University.

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door, with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a donkey.

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented, though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father, to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a fair.

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by, to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough already.

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire, asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell thee;―he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the other, but you know not Which-wood.

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them friends again.

326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend’s house, asked him, What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it great encomiums.

327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you.

328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up, the countryman’s feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand. Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one, what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on foot.

329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city?

330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book. In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be matched, for I’m sure they are not at all a-kin.

331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.

332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he, this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his eyes he can read both sides of the book at once.

333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns, cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose.

334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable to Christ’s Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner, that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, ’till a kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne’er-be-good, the boys there at my father’s death sing for something, and won’t you let me sing for nothing?

335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I’d kick you down stairs.

336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr. Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in the mire.

337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman’s house, upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat.

338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler; and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but _lex talionis_. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler.

339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord, said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough.

340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel. Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head.

341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the enemy’s legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut off before.

342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him, How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been dead a year ago.

344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the public.

345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth’s time that gave her much offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam, said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his conceits out of Tacitus.

346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen physician.

347. Tom Clarke, of St. John’s, desired a fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet’s History of the Reformation; the other told him, He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use them all day long if he would.

348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.

349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second’s chaplains, whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent to speak to him; when he came,―Doctor, said the king, What have I done to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well, quoth the doctor, I’ll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as you mend, I’ll mend.

350. In a little country town, it happened that the ’squire of the parish’s lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be complaisant, and thinking plain ‘woman’ a little too familiar, instead of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth her ladyship’s trust in thee.

351. One of King James the First’s chaplains preaching before the court at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were made ale-houses;―that men made matri-money a matter of money; and placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of No-ah? Ah, no.

352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don’t. Then, said the orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to mend it.

353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God bless his majesty’s arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts.

354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop, could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter.

355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can’t have the pleasure to hear your lordship.

356. A living of 500_l._ per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a poor 30_l._ per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next incumbent to add 10_l._ a year, he should for ever pray for him. His lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should allow him 60_l._ a year instead of 30_l._ The clergyman in some confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request, for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your friend, if you please, I’ll give him the curacy, but the living, I assure you, I’ll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service.