Part 4

176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.

177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call, gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as they can.

178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.

179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him the trouble of bilking the coachman.

180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else, from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.

181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., “_Optat epipipa Bos_.” My lord asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord, give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don’t know the author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto. Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How, replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all the services I have done him and his brother?

182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of a cur as well as barking.

183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words. One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me, if you will.

184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow, (he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne’er let that discourage you, for it is all down hill.

185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught. Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed myself.

186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died.

187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph you’ll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that’s a melancholy subject, prithee don’t think of it. Nay, upon my life you shall, adds she. Come, I’ll begin―

Here lies Bid- To which he answered, Ah! I wish she did.

188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was afraid of? the boar’s guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his teeth are in.

189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief’s coming into the house, although it was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because, said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I had time to charge him with it.

190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog, said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither?

191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then, all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher.

192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he, suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish you with five thousand.

193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king’s health, and prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one, and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a tallow-chandler.

194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you’ll own yourself a happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care of.

195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an _f_.

196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B―d―ns promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be admitted. Why, said the captain, don’t you know the gentleman? He’s his majesty’s hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and left the reverend gentleman to his recreation.

197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne, being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands?

198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney, of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said the country gentleman, there’s one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark, when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey from the carrier’s that you sent me for a present out of the country.

199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set forms in a meeting-house?

200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded, though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea? No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.

201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that’s all, never let it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already.

202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised, inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I thought you had a mind to sup below.

203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know.

204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The Lord forbid, answered the doctor.

205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller, I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked, How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long.

206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him, Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really, sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.

207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it, without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to bait at.

208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.

209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why, said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw, replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and swear to it.

210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market, was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs, those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you, neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant, madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.

211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.

212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat; at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.

213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly; Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend at court.

214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other, poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in prison.

215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah, honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs?

216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor Pristow indeed.

217. It being asked in company with my Lord C―d, whether the piers of Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at Westminster.

218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough to run away.

219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad, got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are Fellows.

220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself.

221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting Button hole, than any made by a tailor.

222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the lawyers.

223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman’s table, finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What, said the master of the house, don’t you like the beer? It is not to be found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of the dead.

224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.

225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than _felo de se_.

226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.

227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t consider.

228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well?

229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.

231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.

232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he.

233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.

234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head?

235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things, I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s. Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.

236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.