Part 3

118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with Tiberius, upon the death of his father-in-law, Augustus, it was so long after, that the emperor hardly thought it a compliment; but told them he was likewise sorry that they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above a thousand years before].

119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt more from fools, than fools from wise men.

120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to run away full speed, was asked by one, What was become of that courage he used so much to talk of? It is got, said he, all into my heels.

121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose.

122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship’s friends.

123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.

124. The late Commissary-General G―ley, who once kept a glass-shop, having Colonel P―c―k’s regiment under a muster, made great complaints of the men’s appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as soon broke as a looking-glass.

125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily pardon the offence.

126. Mr. E―ll―s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E―ll―s designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I’ll give you one: A Fig for the Irish.

127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived there, and what countryman he was? I’se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and ha’ lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister’s Yorkshire too.

128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000_l._ for one. The nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a week.

129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he could keep, and that was, where he lodged.

130. Jack M―n going one day into the apartments in St. James’s, found a lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place. No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.

131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say the air of Islington would do you more good.

133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it over.

134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be? Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.

135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house. In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter, &c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill, which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host, that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your house again, me will be hang.

136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down at Youngman’s Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on’t. The justice replied, Friend, I’m a magistrate; and pulling the book out of his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence, saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit.

137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.

138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered, That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by him.

139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner, but if I go to sea, I’m resolved it shall be upon good ground.

140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife’s bible to pawn for a quartern of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What, said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you?

141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely.

142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign, coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with, How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is uppermost.

143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make him a present of 100_l._, if he could produce an uglier face in the whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger’s, within a year and a day. Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had honour enough to keep his promise.

144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next time he came, the cook casting a sheep’s-eye at him, desired him to agree for his victual, for he’d have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I am sure I paid you an ordinary price.

145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar.

146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined.

147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court.

148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your lordship has your wine dog cheap.

149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house, which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge. Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will laugh at us; therefore, let’s give one another a slight scar, and say we wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I’ll wound you first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his antagonist’s arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly.

150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your spurs presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are burned already.

151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to us, they are in law.

152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook, instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly, and too little in the legs.

153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business.

154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp.

155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why, replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.

156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.

157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.

158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived. On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.

159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.

160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament sadly.

161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of a living wife than of a dead one.

162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it _felo de se_? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.

163. One losing a bag of money of about 50_l._ between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10_l._ reward to those who took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it, came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my loss.

164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.

165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies counting it?

166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in England: I am sure, I was at his burying.

167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine o’ fire.

168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.

169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.

170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five of them proved to be prince’s metal.

171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.

172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith, says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.

173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed, desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime, and now I will have mine.

174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.

175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards? If so, your lordship has no beard at all.