Part 21

1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust himself. But will your majesty, continued he, permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches in parliament? Why, doctor, replied the king, I’ll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face!

1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent looking woman was recommended for the situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness; as she is a soldier’s wife, and these people are generally loose characters. What is it you say? said the duke, who had just entered the room―a soldier’s wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged.

1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with lawsuits, went one day to Tyburn to see an execution, and then swore ’twas better to have to do with Tyburn than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a year, but at Tyburn, half an hour’s hanging ends all.

1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were praising the ale about England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One said there was in London to his knowledge the best in all England; and yet, said another, there’s as good ale in England, as in London.

1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a peace warrant against the justice,―as, he said, he stood in fear of his life from him.

1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do you kick him again?

1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied, That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold.

1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he, nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.

1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field, which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His dinner hour was later.

1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree, that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism.

1199. ― was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between himself and the two scholars; upon which, ― laid the two large fishes in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your majesty’s mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side are one little and two great.

1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to follow the holy founder of our order, but ’tis so long since he went before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along.

1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis, penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the partridges too. The dish was gold.

1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing, presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to cry first.

1203. Admiral Duncan’s address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous―Gentlemen, you see a severe Winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire.

1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled: when a certain gentleman out-acted his part in this way, he is said to have demanded of him, What provokes your risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand? If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the company.

1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now? Please, Ma’am, I don’t live nowhere now, rejoined the girl, I’m married!

1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “_Quid rides_.” Two sailors who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating them as two English words, Quid rides.

1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call them black berries, when they were red. Don’t you know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red when they are green!

1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up, and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.

1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king, replied with simplicity, that his name was Stephen―that he came from Berri―and that he gained as much as the king. How much gains the king? demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. His expenses, said the boy, and I gain mine. This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he appointed him one of the valets-de-chambre.

1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations: when they were introduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment by bowing likewise; the master of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not have returned their salute. O, I beg your pardon, said the pontiff, I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners.

1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other persons’ tables, that he never opened his mouth but at somebody’s expense.

1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a light? No, child, said the doctor, I am one of the lights of the world. I wish then, replied the boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley, for we live in a terrible dark one.

1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how he could afford to under sell him everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready made.

1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, observed, That the cause of it was an accident, his running against a waggon; to which the other, who affected not to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was he fit to run against?

1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham’s large gouty shoes: his servant not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!

1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir Isaac began to feel the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with unusual violence. John was not at hand; he at last made his appearance, by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. Remove the grate, you lazy rascal! exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher; remove the grate, ere I am burned to death? Please your honour, might you not rather draw back your chair? said John, a little waggishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac, smiling, I never thought of that.

1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an Irishman, said as usual, I have nothing now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon you. Oh, don’t trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat. I must do my duty, resumed the judge:―you must go from hence to the place of execution, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are dead; and the Lord have mercy on your soul! I am much obliged to you, said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving after your prayers.

1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully; and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king; if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before.

1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep’s head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method, and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you make of yourself! what use will it be to you, as you don’t know how it is to be dressed?

1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his apprentices with nothing but lights and livers, and such like trash, having appointed to meet one of his men in the fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon his neck; his master asking him his reason for so doing, he answered him, That he had fed so long on lights, that he was forced to carry that weight about him, lest the air should blow him away.

1221. Dryden’s wife complained to him that he was always reading, and took little notice of her: I wish, said she, that I was a book, and then I should enjoy more of your company. Yes, my dear, replied Dryden, I wish you were a book―but an almanack, I mean, for then I should change you every year.

1222. Two gentlemen having wagered upon the number of characteristic specimens of native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the road:―My good fellow, were the devil to come now, which of us two would he carry away? After a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness, the man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered, Me, sir. Annoyed by the stolidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a reason: Because, your honour, he would be glad of the opportunity to catch myself―he could have you at any time.

1223. A gentleman meeting another upon the high road, riding upon an exceedingly lean horse, and with a great stick by his side, asked the reason why he was so armed: he replied, That it was to defend his person and keep off false knaves. But, sir, said he, in my mind you had better have ridden with a gun. Why so? said the horseman. To keep away the crows, who are waiting to prey upon the carrion you are riding upon.

1224. When Brummell retired to France, he was altogether ignorant of French, and obtained a grammar for the purpose of study. Scrope Davies being asked what progress he had made, replied, That Brummell had been stopped like Bonaparte in Russia, by the elements.

1225. A thatcher being at work upon a cold Christmas Eve, and beating his arms about his ribs to warm himself, a fellow passing by, observed it, and said, You have but cold working there on the edge of the house. ’Tis very true, answered the old man, for I have wrought on a hundred Christmas Eves, and if I said a hundred more, I think I should not be wrong, and yet I vow I never felt such a cold one before.

1226. One going into Smithfield on a market-day, called to a horse-courser aloud, and said, Prithee, friend, how go horses to-day? Marry, as you see―some amble, some trot, some gallop.

1227. A pleasant fellow willing to put off a lame horse, rode him from the Sun Tavern, Cripplegate, to the Sun in Holborn, and the next day offered to sell him in Smithfield; a bidder asking why the horse looked so lean? was answered, It was no marvel, as he rode him yesterday from Sun to Sun, and never drew bit.

1228. One entering of a cold morning into a tavern with his friend, called to the waiter to have a fire quickly made, who brought wet faggots, which were long in kindling, making only a smothering smoke, while the sap fired apace out of the faggots; which observing, he said, I now perceive, and never knew before, from whence the river of Styx was derived.

1229. One meeting a drunkard reeling in the street, bade him stand up like a man; who answered him, That for his own part, he could stand well enough, but he could not make his shoes stand.

1230. A country farmer’s wife in the north, having a nice lad for her son, about seven years old, bid him fetch home the kine from the field, to be milked in the yard; there were six in number. The boy went as bid, and drove home but five. Marry, said his mother, what’s become of the sixth? She is turned down that deep dirty lane where I could not come at her, and I think she is going to the devil. To the devil! said the mother; nay, then stay, Bob, thy father shall go, as he has boots on.

1231. There was a man whose nose leaned more towards one side than the other; a friend disposed to have a laugh with him, said, I know what your nose is not made of, and I know of what it is. First, I can assure you, it is not made of wheat, and secondly, I will be fudged by all the company, if it be not made a-rye.

1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in company, when the letters came that brought the first news of his death, fetched a deep sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he has gone the way of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is drowned, he has gone the way of all fish.

1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton House and dashed out a scholar’s brains. It happened not long after, that a good honest fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in company with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon a sudden broke out into a deep melancholy, and said, Well, I thank God I can neither read nor write. One of the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely, for I and the rest here thank God we can do both. All’s one for that, said he, yet let myself and others be thankful we can do neither. They asked his reason; he gave them this explanation, Because, said he, we can walk the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. They desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if one letter falling from the top of a house, had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar, what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty letters? Now, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, and I cannot see that letters have anything to do with me.

1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the country, one asked the other, What news, and how many were condemned to suffer? The other answered, This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my time; I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all; and is it not worth observation, that so many justices should sit on the bench, and not one thought proper to be hanged?

1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said, he had the most wonderful eye imaginable―an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried Wewitzer, I now understand what they call a gimlet eye.

1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been a long time in disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to examine; but a friend of his, who was in great favour at court, persuaded the queen to give him an audience. The time came, and after the customary introduction, the queen said, I understand you are a great scholar; may I ask you one question? Anything, madam, said he, that I am capable of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are there? Madam, that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, but since you would be answered by me, there are five. Five, said her majesty―well, of these five, which can we best spare? Not any of them, madam, replied he, without corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the queen, I can tell you, for of all these, we can (for our own part) best spare _u_ [you].

1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his house, the other answered, That I am the first of my house, is so much more to my honour―you are likely to be the last of yours.

1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound a scholar, came and saluted him in these words, _Ars tu fons_, art thou well? To whom the scholar quickly, _Asinus fons asinus tu_, that is, as well as you.

1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse betwixt them, to ride by turns; the one laid down half the hire, and called upon his partner for the other half, which he willingly paid; which being done, said he, Mark the conditions between us, which are these―when I ride, then you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, then I shall ride; that is the condition―will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart, said the other. So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and left the other to come on foot after him.

1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, the preacher beating his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awakened, cried out in a loud voice, Coming, sir, coming.

1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, one of them, wishing to make his escape from the house, asked, How shall I get by you? Get by me! replied the other, what did I ever get by you?

1242. I am going to write a work upon Popular Ignorance, said a young man to a much older person: I know no one more competent, was the reply.

1243. Walpole once persuaded Mrs. Kerwood not to go home by water, because it would be damp after the rain.

1244. Lord Hartington asked the Governor of Rome, what they had determined about the vessel that the Spaniards had taken under the cannon of Civita Vecchia, whether they had restored it to the English? The governor said, They had done justice. His lordship replied, If you had not, we should have done it ourselves.

1245. The late Duchess of Bolton resolved upon going to China, when Whiston told her the world would be burnt in three years.

1246. A gentleman coming into a church, where was none of the best music in the world, hearing them sing, “Have mercy upon us miserable sinners.” Ay, said he, they might very well have said, Have mercy upon us miserable singers.

1247. A humorous schoolmaster, one morning as he was washing his hands, called one of his higher boys to him, and said, Here boy, what is the Latin for a ladder? The youth answered, _Scala_. Fye, fye, quoth the schoolmaster, what an _asinego_ you are! prithee tell me, what is the Latin for a lad? _Adolescens_, replied the boy. Very well, and cannot you form the comparative degree of that? _Adolescentior_, said the boy. Ay, ay, now thou hast done it like a scholar indeed.

1248. A country baker having occasion to call at the house of a certain justice of the peace, as he was riding out through a great court, saw a parcel of fat geese, and, catching up one, whipped it into his basket. The justice by chance espying him from one of the windows, called after him, saying, Bak-er, bak-er. To which the baker replied, I will, sir, I will, sir, and rode away as fast as he could. Some days after, the justice sent a warrant for him, and demanded of him how he dare carry away his goose in that manner? To which he replied, I have done nothing but what your worship commanded me, for your worship bid me bake-her, and that I have done in a good pie, and drank your worship’s health at the eating of it. The justice, for the jest’s sake, excused the baker.

1249. A Welchman having been to London, his friends, according to custom, on his return, demanded of him what news? He answered, That he knew little news; he had only observed one strange thing there, that every little boy of five or six years old could speak English perfectly, which he thought very strange; because, in his country, they learn to speak it, as in England they learn to speak French.

1250. A ship being in a storm at sea, was in great danger; whereupon, the captain commanded every man to throw into the sea his heaviest things. A passenger, who had his wife, then offered to throw her overboard; but the crew saved her, and asked him whether he was mad to try and throw her overboard; who answered, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her. I assure you, she has long been a heavy burthen to me; I pray, therefore, let me throw her over.

1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in what fashion he would be trimmed, In silence, was the reply.

1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times past, that being often deceived by false rumours of Queen Elizabeth’s death, he protested that he would never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her own hand.