Part 20

1112. A gentleman whose name was Stone, falling off his horse, in crossing a river, into deep water, out of which he got not without some danger: his companions laughed at his mischance, and being reproved, answered, That there was no man but would laugh to see a Stone swim.

1113. One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his mistress, asked a scholar what terms were best to give her,―who told him, “the Venus, lass of his affections,” was good; he mistaking, wrote, To the Venice-glass of his affections.

1114. A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife hard at her spinning; she, reproving him for his ill husbandry, and commending herself for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning at home, he had been reeling abroad.

1115. One that was skilled in writing short-hand promised a lawyer’s clerk to teach him his skill, who thanked him, and said they could not live by making short-hand of anything.

1116. A company of gentlemen in a tavern, amongst the rest, one whose name was Bramble, quarrelled and fell to blows; one of these got his face cut by the said Bramble; upon going home, and being asked the cause of his face bleeding so, No great harm, replied he, only a Bramble by chance scratched me.

1117. A rude overbearing young man was placed by his friends with a proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the youth, told his parents he feared their son would never make a civil lawyer.

1118. One having a play-book called The Wits, which he valued much, by chance lost it; but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of his book, in came one of his friends, who asking the cause of his disquiet, was answered, That he had lost his wits.

1119. One wondered why there were so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding a watch was at every corner. It was answered, that was all one, a pickpocket would as gladly meet a watch as anything else.

1120. During the siege of a castle, when the besieged were hard pressed, a lady, one of the defenders, was remarking, that the colours that hung upon one of the towers, were one of her bed-curtains. To which a person replied, Madam, I wish you would set up the little boy, (who stands up over the curtain,) on the top of that tower, that we might see whether he would drive away all those men with his bow and arrows. To which the lady replied, Cupid never raises a siege.

1121. A great eater was once boasting that he was a great wit, saying, The world knew him to be “all wit:” one standing by, that knew him very well, said, Is it possible that you are taken for a wit! if so, your anagram is wit-all.

1122. Two being in a tavern together, one swore the other should pledge him, Why then, quoth the other, I will;―and presently went down stairs and left him for the reckoning.

1123. A drunken fellow passing by a shop asked a ’prentice boy, What their sign was? He answered, it was a sign he was drunk.

1124. It was said by one, a barber had need be honest and trusty, because, whoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter, put his life into his hands.

1125. It has been said, that a tooth-drawer was an unconscionable trade, because his business was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.

1126. Of all knaves, there is the greatest hope for a cobbler, for be he ever so idle, yet when he does anything, he is always mending.

1127. It being demanded of a wild young man, why he wished to sell his lands? He answered, because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not possibly do till he forsook the earth.

1128. A merry fellow said, The ale-house was the only place to thrive in, for he had known many a score made there.

1129. A rich stationer wished himself a scholar, to whom one answered, That he was one already, being _doctus in libris_. Nay, said the stationer, I am but _dives in libris_―(meaning rich in pounds.)

1130. Before Derrick was master of the ceremonies at Bath, he went to Cambridge on a visit; his friends made him so welcome, that, owing to hard drinking, he could never rise till dinner-time; being one day asked how he liked the place? he replied, Very well, but that there was no forenoon at it.

1131. A lady having a dispute with Mr. Derrick, told him by way of joke, that if he did not give up the argument, she would put him in her patch-box. Madam, said he, you are at full liberty to do so; and should you condescend to use me as a patch, I beg you will stick me upon your lips.

1132. Mr. Derrick being one morning at a coffee-house at Bath, was much disturbed by a very noisy man who sat at a small distance from him, upon which he inquired who the spark was; they told him he was one of those gentry who are called Rooks. A Rook, sir, replied Derrick, zounds, ’tis impossible―by his chattering, I am sure he is a magpie.

1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a widow lady at Bath; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist, Derrick replied, the match would be more apropos, for the lady has killed her man.

1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the White Lion at Bath, ordered a couple of chickens to be roasted for supper, which were brought upon table just as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them upon business. They went out together, and while they were absent, the remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. When they returned, the other gentleman was astonished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of his companion? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a very fowl feeder.

1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when Mr. Derrick was present, for defamation, in calling his neighbour a scavenger. Pray, sir, (said Derrick to the justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for to me it appears that there is some very dirty work going forward.

1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything better suited to the mournful occasion―they are the saddest verses that ever were penned.

1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr. Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for which, they run the risk of losing their lives; but you, without any danger to yourself, absolutely have smuggled the affections of every person in Bath.

1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom there was a gentleman remarkable for a rude kind of satirical wit, and who, having levelled his jeers at almost all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices, gestures, or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick, expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, and was going away. When being asked the reason of his leaving the company so soon, he replied, In order to save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I think it best to take myself off.

1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in the character of a cook, and being met by Lord ―, was desired to dress a couple of pork chops. Sir, replied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I must then beg leave to cut them from your carcase.

1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one evening, detected a boy picking his pocket, and seizing him, had determined to have him committed, when the boy begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said he, it is my first offence; here’s your own handkerchief again, and take any of these five you like best.

1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the long room, told him his old friend Lady ― was just delivered. Of a boy or girl? said Derrick. Neither, replied the lady―of a husband, you donkey, and he is to be buried to-morrow.

1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman’s house at Bath, a young lady to entertain the company, obliged them with a tune on the harpsichord: while she was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick’s asked him, Who was the Goddess of Music? Venus, said he. Pooh, replied she, you banter. No, upon honour, returned Derrick; if you doubt, appeal to her―for there she sits.

1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal hunters, one day invited himself to dine with Derrick; the dinner consisted of some fish and a fine piece of roast beef; the gentleman helped himself about half-a-dozen times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick’s taste, in preferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy kickshaws so much in fashion, adding, Here’s cut and come again. Sir, said Derrick, you may cut, but you never come again.

1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been instructed in the art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. Sir, said Derrick, this company would have thought themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had he taught you the art of holding your tongue.

1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the lease of the next house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had it been my case, I should rather have desired the lease of the next house that stood.

1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentleman whose father had lately died. Well, well, said Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for it is what we must all come to, if we do but live long enough.

1147. It being disputed, while Lady ―, who had a remarkable red face, was present in the long room, when there would be an eclipse of the sun. It will be, said Derrick, let me see―ay, it will be, whenever Lady ― shall hide her beauties under a veil.

1148. There was some years ago, a society in the metropolis, called the Court of Humour, the members of which met once a week for the purpose of trying causes. To this meeting, Derrick was invited; and when the lord judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the trials, pronounced, with great gravity, “I must here desire to pause”―My lord, with submission, give me leave to fill up your paws; and immediately presented his lordship with a large tumbler of negus.

1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard the Third performed by a country company; the person who played Richard was as wretched a performer as ever disgraced the buskin; and when he came to the scene where he says to Buckingham, “Bring the mayor and aldermen to see me here.” If they see you once, said Derrick, they will never come again.

1150. The late Dr. Stukely says, that one day, by appointment, visiting Sir Isaac Newton, the servant told him he was in his study. No one was permitted to disturb him there, but as it was near dinner-time, the visitor sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was brought in―a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate the fowl, and covering up the empty dish, bid them dress their master another. Before that was ready, the great man came down; apologized for his delay, and added, Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall be at your service; I am fatigued and faint. Saying this, he lifted up the cover, and without any emotion, turned about to Stukely with a smile: See, said he, what we studious people are: I forgot I had dined.

1151. Leveridge, the actor, in giving out the play, made a small mistake, and instead of saying on Monday next will be performed, he addressed the audience with―Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow will be performed―To-morrow? said a buck from the pit, why to-morrow is Sunday! I know it, my good friend, replied Leveridge;―to-morrow there will be a charity sermon preached at St. Paul’s, Covent Garden, and, on Monday, at this theatre, will be presented the Recruiting Officer, with a farce called Wit at a Pinch. This turned the laugh of the audience, and he went off with an unusual plaudit.

1152. Derrick one day sent his footboy with a message to a gentleman whose name was Mr. Hodges Podger. The boy went to the street, as directed, but not being able, at once, to find the house, he knocked at another person’s door, and mistaking the name, asked if Mr. Hodge-podge was at home. Hodge-podge! said the servant maid, why, you little puppy, does this house look like a cookshop?

1153. Some ladies in the long room at Bath observing that Mr. Derrick was exceedingly gay, a smart fellow thought to exercise his wit, by asking him who was his tailor? Oh, sir, replied Derrick, he won’t do for you, he deals only for ready money.

1154. A conceited fellow presented King James with a manuscript, who, finding it exceeding bad, returned it, and bade him put it into rhyme. The fellow set to work, despatched it, and presented it anew to his Majesty, who, laughing, said, It was better now he had put into rhyme, “for, by my soul, man, afore ’twas neither rhyme nor reason.”

1155. What herb is it that cures all diseases? Thyme [time] to be sure.

1156. An upholder was chiding his apprentice because he was not notable enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them, telling him, when he was an apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers’ ends.

1157. One hearing a great noise, sent his servant to know what was the matter, who brought him back word, One had taken a cup too much―meaning that he had stolen a silver tankard.

1158. A fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Mr. Derrick that he had got an excellent phaeton on the new plan, Derrick answered, I am rather of opinion you got it on the old plan, for I suppose you never mean to pay for it.

1159. An impudent fellow met an unfortunate person who was blessed with a very red nose, and who also squinted; making a stop and looking at him hard, the gentleman asked the reason of his gazing at him, Truly (was the rude answer) if your eyes were matches, your nose would undoubtedly set them on fire.

1160. An attorney riding into the country, was asked what news he brought, and answered, Nothing, but that Marriot (a great eater) was reported to have lost his appetite; to which another answered, Pray God a poor man meets not with it, for if he does it will utterly undo him.

1161. One Brown, of Oxford, ringing in one of the belfrys of the said city, the clapper of the bell he was ringing fell upon his head, and almost killed him; an arch young student seeing his mischance, and conceiving the wound incurable, wrote over against the place where the accident happened, these verses:

Here lies John Brown, the University capper, That lived by the bell, and died by the clapper.

But Brown recovering, and seeing these verses, wrote underneath―

John Brown’s alive, and lives in hope To live by the bell, when thou diest by the rope.

1162. A gentleman bought some articles upon trust at a shop, promising the master that he would owe him so much money for them; the tradesman was therewith contented, but finding that the gentleman delayed the payment, he demanded his money. The gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him; he had, indeed, promised to owe him so much money, and he would in no way break from his word, which, if he paid him, he must do.

1163. One asked why B stood before C? Because, said another, a man must B, before he can C.

1164. How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet, said D’Orsay to Alvanley the other day? An L long to be sure, was the answer.

1165. One said, physicians had the best of it, because they lived by other men’s pains―meaning the griefs and diseases of their patients.

1166. One was saying, he wondered why the people in Ethiopia did not write straight along as the northern people do; he was answered, it was no wonder, for they write under the line, and that is the reason.

1167. The Lord Cecil (who was rather crooked) having gone to much expense in building a superb house, an ingenious architect viewing it room after room, said, there was one great fault committed, which could not be amended. He was desired to explain himself. Why, there is not one room in this house in which his lordship can stand upright.

1168. A gentleman being entreated to stand godfather to one of his tenant’s children, granted the request, having no children of his own. The child, growing up, he was sent to visit his godfather, in the hopes he would do something for him. Upon his arrival his godfather asked him how his father and mother did? Very well in health, replied the child, but my father has so many children, he can hardly provide bread for us. Child, was the answer, God never sends mouths but he sends meat. It may be so, godfather, answered the child, but I think God has sent the mouths to our house, and the meat to you. This witty answer so pleased the old gentleman, that he took the child and brought him up as his own.

1169. Glovers get their living by cutting purses, and yet are never punished for it.

1170. King James removing once from Whitehall to Greenwich house, to take his pleasure, the constables were commanded to guard several passages, to hinder the concourse of people flocking thither: amongst many gentlemen stopped was one rather meanly dressed, who was asked to what lord he belonged? To the Lord Jehovah, he readily answered. The wise constable not catching the meaning, asked his companions if they knew any such lord. To which they replied, There is none such belonging to the court. The constable, unwilling to give offence, replied, Well, I believe it is some Scotch lord or other, so let him pass.

1171. A person holding an argument with a grocer concerning matters of trade, the grocer’s wife bid him give over arguing, for she was sure her husband could show a thousand reasons [raisins] to his one.

1172. One said painters were cunning fellows, for they had a colour for everything they did.

1173. Mr. Derrick being asked his opinion of a young rake at Bath, who went under the denomination of a knowing one, said, he did not pretend to any great skill in physiognomy, but he believed he could venture to pronounce that the young gentleman would one day be fixed in a very exalted station.

1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still observed twice a year, when also there is great wrestling and cudgel playing, a clergyman happened to be among the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for swearing, got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, which some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we’ll go along with you to a justice. No, said the minister, truly I think there is much more need to go with me to a surgeon.

1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hated tobacco, and hearing that his eldest son did take it, though not in his presence, he told him, if he knew that he took tobacco he would disinherit him. Truly, father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken; for before I will take any tobacco I’ll see it all on fire. Sayest thou so, my boy! cried the old gentleman, I’ll give thee five hundred a year the more for that.

1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by his creditors that they would have him if he was above ground, got himself into a cellar, and there lay with the tapster, and being reproved for so doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught there, because he was under ground, and they dared not break their oaths, as they swore they would have him if above ground.

1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with King James, the king, in mirth, drank a health to him, saying, “The King of France drinks a health to the French King.” Upon which, the French ambassador suddenly replied, The king, my master, is a good lieutenant, for he holds France well for you. No, said the king, he holds it from me. Truly, sir, replied the ambassador, it is no further from you than it was.

1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him this charge: that he should never say anything to him but what he asked him; a little after he invited two gentlemen to his child’s christening; his man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with it; they bid him thank his master, but to let him know they were pre-engaged, and could not come that day; the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had spoken to them? Yes, replied he, but they said they could not come. You rogue, why did you not tell me so before? Why, truly, sir, said he, you did not ask me.

1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of London, at the great fire, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over-baked.

1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you would give me two I would not come out.

1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done with the caudle as he bid him. What’s that? said the master, Why, sir, replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with an _h_. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no _h_.

1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler’s wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer’s grains will scour it off presently.

1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-house together, one was asking what news there was? The other told him, There were forty thousand men rose that day,―which made them all stare, and ask him to what end they rose, and what they intended? Why faith, said he, only to go to bed at night again.

1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat, said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is, to pretend one thing and act another.

1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, I assure you, madam, I am so much liked, that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears. Perhaps, said she, you always go away without paying.

1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be catechised at church. The parson asked her what was her name? La, sir, said she, how can you pretend not to know my name, when you come to our house so often, and cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us another pot!

1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most irregular; for they never think themselves better employed, than when they are at their vices.

1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty’s ship Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now I’ve caught you.