Part 2

53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made, just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majesty’s subjects, the other for the money they would give him.

54. My Lord B― had married three wives, who were all his servants; a beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.

55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump, through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah, bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather.

56. An arch wag, of St. John’s College, asked another of the same College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author called Go-Clenius.

57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in the beginning of King William’s reign, on a very rainy day, a hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won’t you please to take coach? it rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to take coach in.

58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the commonwealth are on different sides.

59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges, died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.

60. Mr. Serjeant G―d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove everything as plain as the nose on your face.

61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer, replied he.

62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope’s chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight: whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront, and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell.

63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend’s house, the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he? said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.―I would not have any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a friend’s house.

64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other.

65. The Chaplain’s boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said the first, there’s some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard.

66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to take care of the ship, I am but a passenger.

67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist me, I’ll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said he, we’ll go and sell this old fellow’s ass at Abingdon; for you know the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus metamorphosed. Oh! for God’s sake, said the scholar, take this bridle out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here? replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg you will let me go home and thank him.―By all means, said the crockery merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled again already? No, no, I’ll have nothing to say to him.

68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised.

69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way, being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I don’t know, said the first, what estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town.

70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Button’s Coffee-house, said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I’ll hold you five guineas you can’t say the Lord’s Prayer. Done, said the other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I did not think he could have done it.

71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore.

72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders.

73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness: Happy are they that did not hear your sermon.

74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener’s, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell here?―Loggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman; egad, then you’ve a special trade; for I see you have but one left.

75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, “Honores mutant Mores.” No, my lord, said Sir Thomas, the pun will do much better in English, “Honors change Manners.”

76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrier’s house, he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to jail without bail or mainprize.

77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, I’m afraid there’s no cole―(which is a cant word for money). Then, said Spiller, if there’s no cole we must burn Wood.

78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin. After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all expedition.

79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet; which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks:

As Lambeth pray’d, such was the dire event, Else had we wanted now this monument; That God unto our fleet would be a rock, Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock: To what the Metropolitan said then, The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.

80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger Williams’s, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the shirt to it.

81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson, of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough.

82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honor several times to represent your majesty’s person.

83. A lady’s age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion: Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years.

84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he, must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of public affairs.

85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a man’s name was really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L.

86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the cardinal to him, I’ll tell thee what thou shalt do; go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen.

87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at Rome―No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has.

88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one.

89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil:

Mantua, væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ! Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona.

90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church, it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch, who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure; adding these following lines:

He that a watch will wear, this must he do, Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.

91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind, told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majesty’s enemies make the same complaint.

92. Mr. G―n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow don’t set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he returns.

93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a bishop.

94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer, saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he, that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which.

95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then attended by one of his brother’s men, the man earnestly entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood.

96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.

97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.

98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would have died in the fall.

99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead of any fish.

100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I’ll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet.

101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.

102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and deserved to be well threshed.

103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into obligations―meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make presents to other men.

104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.

105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for Jervis the painter; and being one day about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner, that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same town with a coach and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his horses draw no better than himself, they will never carry him to town again.

106. A gentleman asked Nanny Rochford why the Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne, all wore silk stockings? Because, says she, the Tories were worsted.

107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles on, who was blind with one eye, said he would produce nothing but what was _ad rem_. Then, said one of the adverse party, you must take out one glass of your spectacles, which I am sure is of no use.

108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up to him cried, He begged his worship would give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other people’s tables, and was a great railer, that he never opened his mouth but to somebody’s cost.

110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man’s son, and his father’s house ill thatched, so that the sun came in at many places of it, would himself make a jest of his birth, and say, That he was _nato di casa illustre_.

111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among many philosophers, asked a prodigal man for more than any one else; whereupon one said to him, I see your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.

112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, walking towards Hampstead on a summer’s day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who was very importunate with them to know upon what account they were going there. The doctor merrily answering him, To make hay. Very well, replied the other, you will be there at a very convenient season, the country wants rakes.

113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I believe I command more than any man; for before my servant will obey me in one thing, I must command him ten times over.

114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, had a reprieve just as he came to the gallows, and was carried back by a sheriff’s officer, who told him he was a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the reprieve beforehand? No, replied the fellow, nor thought any more of it than I did of my dying day.

115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of St. Paul’s, asked, whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond sea?

116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great nobleness of mind, when the physician of King Pyrrhus made him a proposal to poison his master, by sending the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable words; Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy foes.

117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of the wounds he had received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.