Part 19

1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate: Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, you cut me;―and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said again, John, you cut me―and a third time―when Sutton starting up in a rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and said, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him once more, I’ll knock you down.

1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in ancient authors. The ancients had not skill enough to make the most of diamonds; and the art of engraving on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The most remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish treasury, called The Pilgrim. It was in the possession of a merchant, who had paid for it 100,000 crowns. When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king said, How could you venture to give so much for a pearl? The merchant replied, I knew there was a king of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased with the flattery, ordered him his own price.

1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing historian, had many peculiarities and eccentricities in his private character, among the latter may be classed his singular antipathy to a wig―which, however, he can suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when this is the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into the fire!―Dining once at Chester with an officer who wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas over; and another friend that was in company carefully placed himself between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. After much patience, and many a wistful look, Pennant started up, seized the wig, and threw it into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, who ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and the officer after him, through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant escaped, from superior local knowledge. A wag called this “Pennant’s Tour in Chester.”

1045. The harengères, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the Dauphin having recovered from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer their congratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were admitted by the king’s special command, and conducted to the dauphin’s apartment. One of them began a sort of harangue, What would have become of us if our dear dauphin had died? We should have lost our all. The king meanwhile had entered behind, and being extremely jealous of his power and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; when another of the deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True; we should have lost our all―for our good king could never have survived his son, and would doubtless have died of grief. The _naïf_ policy of this unexpected turn was much admired.

1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of committees of the House of Commons, was a great dunce, and could scarce read. Being to read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her, Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls commended for ripening fruit, he showed all the four sides of his garden for south walls.

1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James’s Park, and converting it into a noble garden for the palace of that name. She asked Sir Robert Walpole what it might probably cost? who replied, Only three crowns.

1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, who refused it, because, he said, he could not reconcile to his conscience the possession of two benefices. The cardinal, in great surprise, said, You should be canonized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I deserved it; and that you had the power. A delicate reproach of his ambition.

1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him. Being asked what his majesty had said, he replied, He bade me stand out of his way.

1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo: a quarto lies free and open before one. It is surprising how long the world was pestered with unwieldy folios. A Frenchman was asked if he liked books _in folio_ [in the leaf]. No, says he, I like books _in fructu_ [in the fruit].

1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond earrings, and procured the donor a good place at court. Though the matter was notoriously known, she was so imprudent as to wear them constantly in public. This being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. Candour, undertook Lady Sandon’s defence. And pray, said she, where is the harm? I, for my part, think Lady Sandon acts wisely―for does not the bush show where the wine is sold?

1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united their endeavours in a snuff-shop. On Saturday, the sabbath, the Jew did not appear; but on Sunday he supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples were started to the Jew, but he only answered, _Trovata la legge, trovato l’inganno_, [When laws were invented, tricks were invented.]

1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was particularly delighted with the story of the Tigre National. A man who showed wild beasts in Paris, had a tiger from Bengal, of the largest species, commonly called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and everything royal, was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of incivism; and, instead of Tigre Royal, put on his sign-board, Tigre National.

1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge of bailiff for his son, advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contributions on those who wanted his assistance. What, father! said the son in surprise, would you have me sell justice? Why not? answered the father: is so scarce an article to be given for nothing?

1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from any thoughts of matrimony. She who marries does well, said he; but she who does not marry does better. Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with doing well; let her do better who can.

1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a turnpike, where I had fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never saw it.

1057. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and _vice versâ_. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been! returned the child.

1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the moral questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which one of the candidates returned the following laconic answer, An exemption from Payne.

1059. A student of St. John’s College, who was remarkable for his larks and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a _bon vivant_, at another table, to say, that he had got a fine fox in his rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the student in a literal sense, he informed the dean of the circumstance. The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for what he knew not; however, on entering, he was informed, they had learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a thing not to be tolerated by the college. It is very true, replied the accused; I have a bust of Charles James Fox, at your service.

1060. When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription? No, truly, doctor, replied Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair of stairs window.

1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, I should be glad to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe.

1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made him look so melancholy? Faith, replied he, I was thinking how it will be possible for the people to get either you or me to the grave after we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at twice.

1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner, very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass.

1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah! doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? My lord, replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these horses.

1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d’hote of his first impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English officer replied, Monsieur, you are very polite; and allow me to say, that if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, and less of their backs, I should be very happy to return you the compliment.

1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the course of a speech he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of Name him! name him! No, said Mr. Fox, I don’t choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as say Jack Robinson. This was really his name.

1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which exciting surprise, he observed there was no such great matter in it; for, said he, we ran, and they ran after us.

1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age? To which question he immediately replied, Perhaps they took no physic.

1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson’s return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray, said the lady, let me help you to a little more.

1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him 1000 guineas on his wife’s jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago.

1072. A common councilman’s lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought immediately, cost what it may.

1073. A tanner near Swaff’ham, in Norfolk, invited the supervisor to dine with him, and after pushing the bottle about briskly, the supervisor took his leave; but, in passing through the tan yard, he unfortunately fell into a pit, and called lustily to the tanner to get him out. Can’t, said the tanner; if I draw any hides without giving twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined; but I’ll go and inform the excise.

1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking his ride, and being, according to his own idea, a person of no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. Sir, said the other, I don’t understand this: I am upon the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk. Do you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak? I do not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride on the footpath, and to drive a humble pedestrian off it. Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you are, you are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow―who are you, sir? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is almost unnecessary to add that the haughty laird, after a very awkward apology, sneaked into the main road.

1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, it was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately; when his lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines―

Hope told a flattering tale, That Joy would soon return.

1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gentleman who came to visit him in a morning a little ruffled, and being asked the reason, he replied he had lost a pair of fine black silk stockings out of his room, that cost eighteen shillings; but he hoped he should get them again, for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of half-a-crown to the person who brought them. His friend observing that this was too poor a recompense for such a pair of silk stockings: Pooh, man, replied he, I directed the crier to say they were worsted.

1077. A young man having asked an Hibernian who was looked up to as a scholar, what was meant by the posthumous works of such a writer? Why, said the other, posthumous works are those books which a man writes after he is dead.

1078. As you do not belong to my parish, said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, you cannot expect that I should relieve you. Sir, said the sailor, with a noble air, I lost my leg fighting for all parishes.

1079. Henry IV. of France, passing through a small town, perceived the inhabitants assembled to congratulate him on his arrival. Just as the principal magistrate had commenced a tedious oration, an ass began to bray; on which the king, turning towards the place where the noisy animal was, said gravely, Gentlemen, one at a time, if you please.

1080. Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added most amiable manners, and a most captivating address. On General Armand de Biron coming into his presence, when he was surrounded by some foreign ambassadors, the king immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, Gentlemen, this is Marshal Biron, whom I present with equal pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as my enemies.

1081. The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, poor, and had a numerous family. In the evening, he gave a friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. The friend replied, I will wait upon him early in the morning. You will oblige me by calling directly. Think, sir, of what importance a good night’s rest may be to that poor man.

1082. In a lawsuit respecting boundaries, the counsel on both sides explained their claims on a plan―My lord, said one, we lie on this side: and the other said, My lord, we lie on this side. Nay, said the judge, if you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you.

1083. The celebrated Henry, Earl of Worcester, once observing the enemy leaving the field, turned round and said, I love to see my own danger, especially when it is marching off.

1084. The earl once calling for a glass of claret, was told by his physician, that claret was bad for the gout. What, my old friend claret! nay, give it me in spite of all physicians and their advice; it shall never be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.

1085. One was telling the earl, how strangely he had escaped a shot, by the bar of a window. A musket bullet had hit full against the edge of an iron bar of a chamber-window, so that the bullet was split in two, one half flying by on one side and the other on the other. The earl hearing this, asked in what room it was, and was answered, in the cross-barred room; upon which he answered, You will now believe me, how safe it is to stand before the cross, when you face your enemy.

1086. Charles II. hearing a high character of a preacher in the country, attended one of his sermons. Expressing his dissatisfaction, one of the courtiers replied, that the preacher was applauded to the skies by the congregation. Ay! observed the king, I suppose his nonsense suits their nonsense.

1087. Some one once asked Bruce what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question; and at last said, I think I saw one lyre there. George Selwyn whispered the man sitting next him, Yes, and there is one less since he left the country.

1088. The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. I have heard of a lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor’s leg: his mistress thus expressed her compassion, Poor dear little creature, I hope it will not make him sick.

1089. A Frenchman, a farmer of the duty upon salt, (farmed in France, as post horses are in England,) had built a most magnificent villa; displaying it to his friends, it was observed that a statue was wanting for a large niche in the vestibule. I mean to put there, said the owner, some allegorical statue relating to my business. You may put then Lot’s wife, who was changed to a statue of salt, answered one of his friends.

1090. A master of a ship called down into the hold, Who is there? Will, sir, was the answer. What are you doing? Nothing, sir. Is Tom there? Yes, answered Tom. What are you doing? Helping Will, sir.

1091. Two gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of them called for a bottle of claret: Why, do you love claret? said the other; for my part, I’ll see it burnt before I drink a drop.

1092. One whose name was Pippin, being dressed in a green suit, chanced to meet his friend, who, at his first salute, told him, It was a rare thing to see a green Pippin on Christmas day.

1093. A certain gentleman was mightily taken with a lady of the name of Wall, who was in the habit of painting a good deal. His friends tried to persuade him from going near her, saying, they wondered at a man of his taste setting his affections on a Painted Wall.

1094. Musicians ought to be compared to chameleons. Why? Because they live on airs.

1095. One said a good client was like a study gown, sits himself in the cold, and keeps his lawyer warm.

1096. A fellow whose name was Hog was convicted of felony before Lord Bacon, then judge of assize; he used several unimportant arguments with his lordship before sentence was pronounced, and, none prevailing, he told him he was near of kin to him. How, to me? said the judge. Yes, answered the fellow, for your name is Bacon, and mine is Hog. Oh! then, replied his lordship, you will never be good Bacon till you are hanged.

1097. One being at supper at a friend’s house, (it chanced that there was mutton and capers for supper,) fell into a discourse upon dancing, saying, that he loved it better than any other kind of recreation. By and bye, taking notice of the capers, which he had never seen before, took one upon his trencher, cut it in the middle, and put the half of it in his mouth. The master of the house observing it, said, Sir, it seems you do love dancing well, when you cannot forbear cutting a caper at supper.

1098. Scriveners must be hard-hearted men, said Lord Adolphus F. Why? Since they never rejoice more than when they put other men in bonds.

1099. An ignorant drunken surgeon, that had killed most of his patients, boasted himself a better man than the parson; For, said he, your cures maintain but yourself, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the town.

1100. One threatened to break another’s head with a stone. Don’t try, said Lord Alvanley, you will hurt the stone.

1101. A patient man being domineered over by his wife, who was always ill-treating him, desired her to tear his band, for he would gladly wear it without cuffs.

1102. One said to his friend that had been speaking, I love to hear a man talk nonsense. The other answered, I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man.

1103. One asked the reason why lawyers’ clerks wrote such wide lines. Another answered, it was done to keep the peace; for if the plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might fall together by the ears.

1104. One hearing a usurer say he had been on the Peak of Teneriffe, asked him why he had not stayed there, for he was persuaded he would never get so near heaven again.

1105. One having drunk a cup of very flat beer, declared that the beer was more than foxed. Upon being asked his reason, he declared, it was dead drunk.

1106. One saw a man and his wife fighting; the people asked him, why he did not part them. He answered, That he was too well bred to part man and wife.

1107. One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak, asked him, whether his cloak was not sleepy? Why do you ask? said his friend. Because, I am sure it has not had a nap this seven years.

1108. A lawsuit being referred to a gentleman, the plaintiff, who had the equity of the cause on his side, presented him with a new carriage, the defendant with a couple of horses. The arbitrator liking the horses better than the coach, gave sentence on the defendant’s side. The plaintiff called on him, and asked how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way? He answered, He could not help it, the horses had drawn it so.

1109. A saucy fellow named Jack, abusing a gentleman whose name was Fisher, the gentleman struck him, for which, being reproved and threatened with an action, he said, Is it not lawful for a Fisher to strike a Jack?

1110. A person had a picture of the Seven Senses stolen out of his house: whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the thieves might be bound to the peace: For what? For stealing my senses. I thought so, said the justice, you talk so idly.

1111. A woman was commending a boy’s face: Give me a man’s, quoth another, a boy’s is not worth a hair.