Part 18

991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough. It’s light enough, echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as you.

992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight in a minute.

993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied the other, that’s a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my life?

994. The late Colonel O’Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O’Kelly, pulling out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount.

995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Higlander gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with which his new acquisition amused him; after a few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, Why, she died last night.

996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, and the most considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to Charles II., that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said, Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. No, friend Penn, said the king, it is usual for only one man to stand covered here.

997. A person had been relating many incredible stories when Professor Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you that the celebrated organist, Abbé Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour.

998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which the following story affords a proof:―A young gentleman, whose family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he passed by his seat in the country. It happened to be at dinner time, and the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much familiarity; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a curious weather-glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite concern, and began to make an apology for being himself the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. Be under no concern, sir, said his lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it: we have had a very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never saw the glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased with the humour and pleasantry of the turn.

999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. Difficult, is it, sir! replied the doctor; I wish it were impossible.

1000. An American general was once in company where there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the wine was served up, the general rose and addressed the company in the following words:―Gentlemen, I must inform you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of railing against the Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it amiss. With this he sat down. Up started M―, a Scotch officer, and without seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking him out of the company; I hope no gentleman will take it amiss. It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he had no occasion to exert his talents.

1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman was examined as to a particular fact, the exact date of which he could not recollect. All that I remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the day old Yorke was hanged.

1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but continence, at length resolved to marry and reform. Her conduct was duly canvassed in the dressing-rooms of the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she confessed to her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage! exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance of candour! said another. What an amazing instance of memory! cried a third.

1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church. Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the man’s wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had “sore eyes;” Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four. The crier came home, took up the several notices and commenced his round, enunciating in sonorous tones, Lost a black and tan coloured terrier, and answers to the name of Carlo; has two black legs and four eyes. You vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, how do you think I shall ever get my dog, if you describe it in that way? The crier maintained that it was according to the original, and, upon examination, it was evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went the crier, boiling with indignation; his wife had informed him of the call of his reverend employer, but had said nothing about his companion, and therefore no doubt remained on the clerk’s mind, that his reverend master himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until Sunday for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the clerk’s pew, removed the book of St. John from the New Testament. The clergyman gave out the lesson, as the 2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to look in vain for the book in question; at last he whispered to the clerk, What has become of St. John? He can’t come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes.

1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that Mathews, the comedian, had experienced improper treatment at the time of his accident, and that had he been in judicious hands, he would not have been lame. Some one speaking upon this subject to R―, said, I understand Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when he dies. The devil he does! said R―; well, for my part, I should be sorry to have such a leg-as-he (legacy).

1005. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion of his revenues, in consequence of the occupation of part of Poland by the King of Prussia. Soon after this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; when the king asked him, if he could, after what had happened, still have any friendship for him? Sire! said the prelate, I shall never forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the king, still your very good friend, and likewise presume much on your friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter refuse my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the goodness to hide me under your mantle, and take me in along with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majesty has cut it too short to admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it.

1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay until it rained downright. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come home before? Why I should, said the boy, but you zed I shou’dn’t come home vore it rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long.

1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him how it might best be preserved. I know of no method so effectual, my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale by it.

1008. A humorous fellow being subpœnaed as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the assault happened; he answered, Just four feet five inches and a half. How come you to be so very exact, fellow? said the counsel. Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, said he, and so I measured it.

1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made very free with his character in their songs, answered, It would be hard indeed not to allow them a song for their money.

1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use his own phrase) had stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of a few pence to pay his lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, That’s the place for me! Where is it, honey? for I’ve been lying out these two nights past.

1011. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out, Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don’t you let go the painter? The boy replied, He’s gone, sir, pots and all.

1012. A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, in the hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To what, sir? to laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard.

1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.

1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning the reputation of another witness for veracity. Why, said he, I hardly know what to tell you: M― sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don’t believe him; but when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him as much as I do the rest of my neighbours.

1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of her grace the Duke of Dorset. Next day it was thus corrected: For “her grace the Duke of Dorset,” read “his grace the Duchess of Dorset.”

1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his father over a bottle, was complaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The right honourable manager told him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have tried that already, said he, but without success. Ah! how? replied the father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who assured me they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury Lane Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary.

1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you.

1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he opened the house he mended them with paper, on which appeared―‘Shave for a penny,’ with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:

Here lives Jemmy Wright, Shaves as well as any man in England, Almost―not quite.

Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of the paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright at home? The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, No, sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback; being asked the cause, he replied, I must ride, because I am in a hurry.

1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the pithy answer.

1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated with great severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as was also Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment, presented a petition to the bishop. Who are you? said his lordship, I know nothing of you? I never heard of you before! My lord, replied Boldero, I have suffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have been in all the gaols in England. What does the fellow mean! exclaimed the bishop; Man! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower! And, my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! The bishop’s heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero’s petition.

1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to my shoe-tie. The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours to the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. Barrow, with a lowly obeisance, replied, My lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell. There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you; and walked off.

1023. The following anecdote is related of the great Duke of Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the duke to take a medicine; and, with her usual warmth, said, I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other.

1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbé, solicited Cardinal Fleury, then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, _Monseigneur, j’attendrai_ [My lord, I shall wait].

1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who insulted him, and at last told him, his gown was his protection. The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not be yours; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor.

1026. In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said, Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, answered the priest; it will be over the sooner.

1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to ask Marshal Toiras for permission to go and see his father, who was at the point of death. Go, said the general, who saw through the pretext; thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth.

1028. A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often lamenting his first wife before his second, who one day, said to him, _Monsieur, je vous assure qu’il n’y a personne qui la regrette plus que moi_ [I assure you, sir, no one regrets her more than I do].

1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well he had instructed some Indians in religion, called up one of them, and, after some questions, asked him if he had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I wished it had been brandy.

1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the Second, the beautiful Countess of Coventry talking to his majesty about shows, and thinking only of the figure she herself would make in a procession, told him, the sight she wished most to see was a coronation.

1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part? Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me?

1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the curate’s hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! “I am the resurrection”―and then went on.

1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam, I thought so yesterday.

1034. The _spretæ injuria formæ_ is the greatest with a woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.

1035. Wit, or even what the French term _esprit_, seems little compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner. What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil. Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the ’sparagus with sauce.

1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch.

1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years.

1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord, answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled which to take.

1039. Mr. Pitt’s plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady’s at the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout. There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on Mrs. Pitt’s bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt’s bed-clothes. A person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt’s long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the grotesqueness of the scene.

1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother’s tomb, _Cy gist l’Oisiveté_, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is termed the mother of all the vices.

1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and his stature was often rendered still more remarkable by his hunting dress, and postillion’s cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to sudden whims; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, to visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.―He arrived while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, a French abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the famous Robinson Crusoe so remarkable in history?