Part 14

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having for a long time received their pensions.

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already completely dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk.

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things, and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a joke.

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me.

769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don’t know what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, and therefore the foundation of all.

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would you?

772. When Rochelle was besieged by the royalist armies in 1627, the inhabitants elected for their mayor, captain, and governor, Jean Guiton. This brave man at first modestly refused the office; but being pressed by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, I will be mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention capitulating; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the table, when we assemble in the Town House. Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants―Well, said he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains to shut the gates.

773. Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the First, was one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon, said the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son must reign by candlelight.

774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to animadvert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, which did not cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied the hero, it did not cost the English government three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon.

775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse to a _jeu de mot_, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How unlucky it was that he had come a day after the fair.

776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, If white man buy stolen goods, why he be no flogged too? Well, said the judge, so he would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa; he buy tolen goods―he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me.

777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, once determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess; accordingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor’s inspection, which he particularly recommended to him, as being a nice, short-backed horse. Ay, that may be, said the sailor, and that is the very reason he won’t do, for there is seven of us.

778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best companions in the world, was returning from a tavern one morning early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, A chair! your honour, a chair! Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub! Och, indeed! says the chairman, there goes a pair o’ ye! The facetious doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for the merry witticism.

779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, What, already!

780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening, on a party of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.

781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. Where shall I cut it? asked Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess, answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home.

782. How does your new purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don’t know, replied George, for I never asked him a question.

783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, and singing into a room where old Colley Cibber sat coughing and spitting; and, cutting a caper, triumphantly exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give to be as young as I am? Why, young man, replied he, I would agree to be almost as foolish.

784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets in Manchester, with Come my lad, thou’lt fight for thy king, won’t thou? Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn out wi’ ony body?

785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and said to him, How are you, my good fellow? can you see at all with the eye that’s knocked out?

786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short time back, one inquired of the other how he had been for some days? He replied, In a very poor way indeed. I have not been able to eat anything at all. God bless me! said his hungry friend, that is extremely strange, you generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill. Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning; I could have eaten, but the reason why I have not been able to do so is, that no one has invited me to dinner.

787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue? I suppose, replied the wit, he’s trying to catch the English accent.

788. Have you anything else old? said an English lady at Rome, to a boy of whom she had bought some modern antiques; Yes, said the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is very old. The lady rewarded his wit.

789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., who was reputed to be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 21 years, or you will be troubling me again!

790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your faithful services, I mean now to do you an honour; and leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family ground. Ah, massa! replied Sancho, Sancho no good to be buried; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom; besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and take de poor negar man.

791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing together, one asked the other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was, I have never been farther from Liverpool than Runcon, and I don’t recollect any place of that name.

792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a friend. What has she got? Guess. A boy? No; guess again. A girl? Who told you?

793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered the servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town to the doctor; by the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the following postcript, and sent off the messenger: My wife being recovered, you need not come.

794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened to turn on the ferocity of small animals; when an Irish gentleman present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact within my own knowledge: I once, said he, saw two of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the conclusion of the fight, and what d’ye think I saw? One of the cats dead probably, replied one of the company. No, by St. Patrick, there was nothing left in the pit but the two tails, and a bit of flue.

795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a cork upon the table. What a dirty hand Dr. W. has, said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle there is a dirtier in company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done. Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the wager.

796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost speechless: Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come with me. Not till I have finished my bottle, however, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him out of the tavern; the moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat: Now, you rascal, I’ll cure your wife in spite of you.

797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful anxiety which her mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear mama! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used to give you so much trouble and uneasiness.

798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event: But pray, sir, said he, where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other; I secured it last night; and so good-bye to you.

799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. I don’t know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.

800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair.

801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would.

802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor fellow, won’t you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other, didn’t I give you the hint.

804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued. Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I’ve got a tickler for you―didn’t like to expose you before the lads.―Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what’s this tickler?―Sailor: Never mind, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you; ’tis a fifty.―Hankey: Ah! that’s a tickler, indeed.―Sailor: Don’t fret; give me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan’t mention it to anybody.

805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber’s boy, Did you ever shave a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to sit down, I will try.

806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.

807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish?

808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys, addressed his majesty:―This town belongs to your highness by divine law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry.

809. The Marquis St. André applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired the minister in a furious tone. St. André recollected himself, and had the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with. Louvois, agreeably surprised at this reply, immediately granted his request.

810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

811. Henry IV. having bestowed the _cordon bleu_ on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the nobleman made the customary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it well, said the king, but I give you the order to please my cousin De Nevers.

812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton’s misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this expression:―Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!

813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman in company, I am always remarkably dull and stupid. You are much to be pitied, then, sir, replied another, for I don’t remember ever to have seen you without.

814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor’s Court, being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed.

815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men’s allowance at College. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never paid.

816. When Dr. Parr’s preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general admiration, Horne Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, It consists of mere scraps; alluding to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language. This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps? True, replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit-bits.

817. An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read: Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother,―then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed―Oh, ’tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!

818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bataillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. Take, said he to him, a company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, general, replied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to his servant, executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the French.

819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a wind being seen! But, pray, what was it like? Like to have blown my house about my ears, replied the first.

820. Dr. O’Connor, in his History of Poland, says that the Irish are long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: in short, adds the doctor, they live as long as they can.

821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him what would prevent them going down on the sides? The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without further notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing, telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes he had just bought. And is it what am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning?

822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical phrase, How much money it would hold? Sir, said Rich, that question I am at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.

823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles manufactured from Cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap too―there’s no soap like Castile soap.

824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted him with, John, people say that you are a fool. To this, John replied, I don’t know that I am, sir; I know some things, sir, and some things I don’t know, sir. Well, John, what do you know? I know that millers always have fat hogs, sir. And what don’t you know? I don’t know whose corn they eat, sir.

825. When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prussian traveller) was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, I suppose you are quite happy now; the country looks like a garden, and every village has its minaret. God is great! replied the peasant; our master gives with one hand and takes with two.

826. Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why he expended so much money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied he, she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure.

827. At a doctor’s shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge, may be seen written up the following notification: ― ―, surgeon, apothecary, and accoucheur to the king.

828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a piece of preferment on an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to his son, who was at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance; adding, how extremely kind the bishop had been in giving him a stall: to which the youth returned the following answer: Dear father, I am extremely glad to hear of your preferment―now the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me.