Part 4

189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.

190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay, how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.

191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_, quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.

192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor, says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.

193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil_.

194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a _Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the _Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning._

195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the _Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_, says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_ berogued _the Parliament sadly_.

196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.

197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_, running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.

198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_ and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss_.

199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.

200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what a Pox signifies counting it_.

201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.

202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he, _ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.

203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.

204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_. _Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?_

205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is _Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.

206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head, else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you do_.

207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_ seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.

208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, _Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.

209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of_.

210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my Word_.

211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours you see_.

212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.

213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.

214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._

215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of _Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.

216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.

217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_, says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie quite untill'd_.

218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it_.

219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it, the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the _Fair_.

220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal, _as fast as they can_.

221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you will I hope_.

222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's_ bent _upon it_.

223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.

224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_, say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.

225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, _He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.

226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.

227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._

----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.

228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; _Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards_.

229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.

230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John, says she, _but you may have me if you will_.

232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.

233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me and I feed myself_.

234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he can't _multiply_.

235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth 'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_, says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.

236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,

----_Here lies_ Bidd:

To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.

237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says he, _his Teeth are in_.

238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_, said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.

239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy, _we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.

240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship, _why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.

241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can furnish you with five Thousand_.

242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler_.

243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care of_.

244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in _Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_, promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.

245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen _Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_ Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_ Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?

246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his _Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd _spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].

[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.

247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town, and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.

_FINIS._