Part 3

119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus. _If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I will father it, if not, it must be your's_.

120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little Thing would have _died in the Fall_.

121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well, now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw, this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_.

122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little Thing_ will make us laugh.

123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are you here with your_ Bears _again_.

124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the Bottom yet_.

125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.

126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and deserved to be well _threshed_.

127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into _Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to make Presents to other Men.

128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every Man _toasted his own Cheese_.

129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town again.

130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg: Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.

131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she, the Tories _were worsted_.

132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_, then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.

133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a Mugg of _Strong Beer_.

134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_, and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some Body's Cost.

135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_.

136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers, asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again_.

137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards _Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_, who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, the Country wants _Rakes_.

138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I must command him ten Times over_.

139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer, who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.

140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?

141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd, _whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?

142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind, when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words; _Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_ Foes.

143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he; then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live_.

144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.

145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.

146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools, _than_ Fools _from wise Men_.

147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.

148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose.

149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.

150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the _Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.

151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop, having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_.

152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would readily pardon the Offence_.

153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the _Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.

154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr. _E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one: _A Figg for the Irish_.

155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at _Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my _Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.

156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.

157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.

158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.

159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a _Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.

If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there was _room_.

160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I always used to do_.

161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.

162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.

163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine Months after_.

164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest myself_.

165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over_.

166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_ Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a _Horse_ and an _Ass_.

167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the _Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang_.

168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_ squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself for the_ Affidavit.

170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State Affairs_.

171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to edify by him.

172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the _Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good Ground_.

173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?

174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and _why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.

175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with, _How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum is uppermost_.

176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an _India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there. His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail, he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.

177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the _Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr. _H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said _H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise_.

178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist: _Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.

179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant, that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more _Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_ Ordinary _Price_.

180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a Beggar_.

181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_ ruined.

182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at Court_.

183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say, _your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.

184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack; Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_? _Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can, B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.

185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they are burnt already_.

186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_ along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord _Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.

187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs._

188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are talking about Business_.