Part 2

62. One Mr. _Topham_ was so very tall, that if he was living now, he might be shewn at _Yeate's_ Theatre for a Sight, this Gentleman going one Day to enquire for a Countryman a little Way out of Town, when he came to the House, he looked in at a little Window over the Door, and ask'd the Woman, who sat by the Fire, if her Husband was at Home. No, Sir, said she, but if you please to _alight_ and come in, I'll go and call him.

63. The same Gentleman walking across _Covent-Garden_, was asked by a Beggar-Woman, for an Half-penny or Farthing, but finding he would not part with his Money, she begg'd for Christ's-Sake, he would give her one of his old _Shoes_; he was very desirous to know what she could do with one Shoe, to make my Child a _Cradle_, Sir, said she.

64. King _Charles_ II. having ordered a Suit of Cloaths to be made, just at the Time when Addresses were coming up to him, from all Parts of the Kingdom, _Tom Killigrew_ went to the Taylor, and ordered him to make a very large Pocket on one Side of the Coat, and one so small on the other, that the King could hardly get his Hand into it, which seeming very odd, when they were brought home, he ask'd the Meaning of it, the Taylor said, Mr. _Killigrew_ order'd it so; _Kelligrew_ being sent for, and interrogated, said, one Pocket was for the _Addresses_ of his Majesty's Subjects, the other for the _Money_ they would give him.

65. My Lord _B----e_, had married three Wives that were all his Servants, a Beggar-Woman, meeting him one Day in the Street, made him a very low Curtesy, Ah, God Almighty bless your Lordship, said she, and send you a long Life, if you do but live long enough, we shall be all _Ladies_ in Time.

66. Dr. _Tadloe_, who was a very fat Man, happening to go thump, thump, with his great Legs, thro' a Street, in _Oxford_, where some Paviers had been at Work, in the Midst of _July_, the Fellows immediately laid down their Rammers, Ah! God bless you, Master, cries one of 'em, it was very kind of you to come this Way, it saves us a great deal of Trouble this hot Weather.

67. An Arch-Wagg of St. _John_'s College, asked another of the same College, who was a great _Sloven_, why he would not read a certain Author called _Go-Clenius_.

68. _Swan_, the famous Punster of _Cambridge_, being a Nonjuror, upon which Account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the _Strand_, in the Beginning of King _William_'s Reign, on a very rainy Day, a Hackney-Coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take Coach, it _rains_ hard: Ay, Friend, said he, but this is no _Reign_ for me to take Coach in.

69. When _Oliver_ first coined his Money, an old Cavalier looking upon one of the new Pieces, read the Inscriptions, on one Side was _God with us_, on the other, _The Commonwealth of_ England; I see, said he, God and the _Commonwealth_ are on _different_ Sides.

70. Colonel _Bond_ who had been one of King _Charles_ the First's Judges, dy'd a Day or two before _Oliver_, and it was strongly reported every where that _Cromwell_ was dead; No, said a Gentleman, who knew better, he has only given _Bond_ to the Devil for his farther Appearance.

71. Mr. Serjeant _G--d--r_, being _lame_ of one Leg; and pleading before Judge _For--e_, who has little or no _Nose_, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a _lame_ Cause of it: Oh! my Lord, said the Serjeant, have but a little Patience, and I'll warrant I prove every Thing as plain as the _Nose_ on your Face.

72. A Gentleman eating some Mutton that was very tough, said, it put him in Mind of an old _English_ Poet: Being asked who that was; _Chau--cer_, replied he.

73. A certain _Roman-Catholick_ Lord, having renounced the _Popish_ Religion, was asked not long after, by a Protestant Peer, _Whether the Ministers of the_ State, or _Ministers of the_ Gospel _had the greatest Share in his Conversion_: To whom he reply'd, that when he renounced _Popery_ he had also renounced auricular _Confession_.

74. _Michael Angelo_, in his Picture of the last Judgment, in the Pope's Chappel, painted among the Figures in _Hell_, that of a certain _Cardinal_, who was his Enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first Sight: Whereupon the Cardinal complaining to Pope _Clement_ the Seventh, of the Affront, and desiring it might be defaced: You know very well, said the Pope, I have Power to deliver a Soul out of _Purgatory_ but not out of _Hell_.

75. A Gentleman being at Dinner at a Friend's House, the first Thing that came upon the Table was a Dish of Whitings, and one being put upon his Plate, he found it stink so much that he could not eat a Bit of it, but he laid his Mouth down to the Fish, as if he was whispering with it, and then took up the Plate and put it to his own Ear; the Gentleman, at whose Table he was, enquiring into the meaning, he told him he had a Brother lost at Sea, about a _Fortnight ago_, and he was asking that Fish if he knew any thing of him; and what Answer made he, said the Gentleman, he told me, said he, he could give no Account of him, for he had not been at Sea these _three Weeks_.

I would not have any of my Readers apply this Story, as an unfortunate Gentleman did, who had heard it, and was the next Day whispering a Rump of Beef at a Friend's House.

76. An _English_ Gentleman happening to be in _Brecknockshire_, he used sometimes to divert himself with shooting, but being suspected not to be qualified by one of the little _Welch_ Justices, his Worship told him, that unless he could produce his Qualification, he should not allow him to shoot there, and he had _two little Manors_; yes, Sir, said the _Englishman_, every Body may perceive that, perceive what, cry'd the _Welchman?_ That you have _too little Manners_, said the other.

77. The Chaplain's Boy of a Man of War, being sent out of his own Ship of an Errand to another; the two Boys were conferring Notes about their Manner of living; how often, said one, do you go to _Prayers_ now, why, answered the other, in Case of a _Storm_, or any Danger; ay, said the first, there's some Sense in that, but my Master makes us _pray_ when there is no more Occasion for it, than for my leaping over-board.

78. Not much unlike this Story, is one a Midshipman told one Night, in Company with _Joe Miller_ and myself, who said, that being once in great Danger at Sea, every body was observed to be upon their Knees, but one Man, who being called upon to come with the rest of the Hands to _Prayers_, not I, said he, it is your Business to take Care of the Ship I am but a _Passenger_.

79. Three or four roguish Scholars walking out one Day from the University of _Oxford_, spied a poor Fellow near _Abingdon_, asleep in a Ditch, with an Ass by him, loaded with Earthen-Ware, holding the Bridle in his Hand, says one of the Scholars to the rest, if you'll assist me, I'll help you to a little Money, for you know we are bare at present; no doubt of it they were not long consenting; why then, said he, we'll go and sell this old Fellow's Ass at _Abingdon_, for you know the Fair is To-morrow, and we shall meet with Chapmen enough; therefore do you take the Panniers off, and put them upon my Back, and the Bridle over my Head, and then lead you the Ass to Market, and let me alone with the Old Man. This being done accordingly, in a little Time after the poor Man awaking, was strangely surprized to see his Ass thus metamorphosed; Oh! for God's-sake, said the Scholar, take this Bridle out of my Mouth, and this Load from my Back. Zoons, how came you here, reply'd the old Man, why, said he, my Father, who is a great Necromancer, upon an idle Thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an Ass, but now his Heart has relented, and I am come to my own Shape again, I beg you will let me go Home and thank him; by all Means, said the Crockrey Merchant, I don't desire to have any Thing to do with Conjuration, and so set the Scholar at Liberty, who went directly to his Comrades, that by this Time were making merry with the Money they had sold the Ass for: But the old Fellow was forced to go the next Day, to seek for a new one in the _Fair_, and after having look'd on several, his own was shewn him for a very good one, O, Ho! said he, _what have he and his Father quarrelled again already_? No, no, I'll have nothing to say to him.

80. Mr. _Congreve_ going up the Water, in a Boat, one of the Watermen told him, as they passed by _Peterborough_ House, that that House had _sunk a Story_; no, Friend, said he, I rather believe it is a _Story raised_.

81. The foresaid House, which is the very last in _London_ one Way, being rebuilt, a Gentleman asked another, who lived in it? his Friend told him Sir _Robert Grosvenor_; I don't know, said the first, what Estate Sir _Robert_ has, but he ought to have a very good one, for no body _lives beyond him in the whole Town_.

82. Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion, in _Button's Coffee-House_, said one of them, I wonder, Sir, you should talk of Religion, when I'll hold you five Guineas you can't say the _Lord's Prayer_, done, said the other, and Sir _Richard Steele_ shall hold Stakes. The Money being deposited, the Gentleman began with, _I believe in God_, and so went cleverly thro' the _Creed_; well, said the other, I own I have lost; _I did not think he could have done it_.

83. A certain Author was telling Dr. _Sewel_, that a Passage he found fault with in his Poem, might be justify'd, and that he thought it a _Metaphor_; it is such a one, said the Doctor, as truly I never _Met-a-fore_.

84. A certain Lady at _Whitehall_, of great Quality but very little Modesty, having sent for a Linnen Draper to bring her some _Hollands_, as soon as the young Fellow enter'd the Room, O! Sir, said she, I find you're a Man fit for Business, for you no sooner look a Lady in the Face, but you've your _Yard_ in one Hand, and are lifting up the Linnen with the other.

85. A Country Farmer going cross his Grounds in the Dusk of the Evening, spy'd a young Fellow and a Lass, very busy near a five Bar Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them to know what they were about, said the young Man, no Harm, Farmer, we are only going to _Prop-a-Gate_.

86. King _Henry_ VIII. designing to send a _Nobleman_ on an Embassy to _Francis_ I. at a very dangerous Juncture, he begg'd to be excused, saying such a threatening Message, to so hot a Prince as _Francis_ I. might go near to cost him his Life. Fear not, said old _Harry_, if the _French_ King should offer to take away your Life, I would revenge you by taking off the _Heads_ of many _Frenchmen_ now in my Power: _But of all those Heads_, reply'd the Nobleman, _there may not be one to fit my Shoulders_.

87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_; when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_.

88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but one left_.

89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_, told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment, that he verify'd the old Proverb,

_Honores mutant Mores_.

No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in _English_:

_Honours change_ MANNERS.

90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_.

91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.

92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a _Saturday_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn _Wood_.

93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said, he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down, and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_.

94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky Expression, that he begged God would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_.

_As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event, Else had we wanted now this Monument; That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock, Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock; To what the_ Metropolitan _said then, The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen.

95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_, the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said, but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom, had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the Shirt to it_.

96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening, and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place, so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_? says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and _Tough, Lord d--mn them_.

97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in several Embassies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not, answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_.

98. A _Venetian_ Ambassador going to the Court of _Rome_, passed through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke, in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_.

99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I have heard you say so _these ten Years_.

100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an _Inch_ took an _L_.

101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a Dozen.

102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into Hell, I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon Earth_.

103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at _Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has.

104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth? I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.

105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:

_Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona._

_Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.

106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his _Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had been secure, adding these following Lines_.

_He that a Watch will wear, this must he do, Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._

107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is so near your ----.

108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen. _Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not explain myself any further_.

109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the _French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_.

110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon, _for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will heal before he returns_.

111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the Noble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very Day he was made a Bishop_.

112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer, saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two _Stars_: Oh! said he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_.

113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the _Jury, there were twelve of them_.

114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of _France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any Impediment, _Que chacun se mêle de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_.

115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam, said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear _Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying Bitch, reply'd the other, my Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is as brown as a Nutmeg.

116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_, happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of _Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you, who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of this little Wood_.

117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_ King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him, he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No, my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Gratitude_.

118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_.