Part 1

Joe Miller's _JESTS_

OR, THE

WITS

_VADE-MECUM_.

BEING

A Collection of the most Brilliant JESTS; the Politest REPARTEES; the most Elegant BONS MOTS, and most pleasant short Stories in the _English_ Language.

First carefully collected in the Company, and many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the Facetious GENTLEMAN, whose Name they bear; and now set forth and published by his lamentable Friend and former Companion, _Elijah Jenkins_, Esq;

Most Humbly INSCRIBED

_To those_ CHOICE-SPIRITS _of the_ AGE,

Captain BODENS, Mr. ALEXANDER POPE, Mr. Professor LACY, Mr. Orator HENLEY, and JOB BAKER, the Kettle-Drummer.

_LONDON:_

Printed and Sold by T. READ, in _Dogwell-Court, White-Fryars, Fleet-Street_, MDCCXXXIX.

Transcriber's Note: Jest number 59 was omitted from the original text.

JOE MILLER's _JESTS_.

1. The Duke of _A----ll_, who says more good Things than any Body, being behind the Scenes the First Night of the _Beggar's Opera_, and meeting _Cibber_ there, well _Colley_, said he, how d'you like the _Beggar's Opera_? Why it makes one laugh, my Lord, answer'd he, on the Stage; but how will it do in print. O! very well, I'll answer for it, said the Duke, if you don't write a Preface to it.[1]

[1] See _Cibber's_ Preface to _Provok'd Husband_.

2. There being a very great Disturbance one Evening at _Drury-Lane_ Play-House, Mr. _Wilks_, coming upon the Stage to say something to pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown full at him, which he having took up, making a low Bow, this is no _Civil Orange_, I think, said he.

3. Mr. _H--rr--n_, one of the Commissioners of the Revenue in _Ireland_, being one Night in the Pit, at the Play-House in _Dublin_, _Monoca Gall_, the Orange Girl, famous for her Wit and her Assurance, striding over his Back, he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats: Nay, Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no Goods there but what have been fairly entered.

4. _Joe Miller_ sitting one day in the Window at the _Sun-Tavern_ in _Clare-Street_, a Fish Woman and her Maid passing by, the Woman cry'd, _Buy my Soals; buy my Maids_: Ah, you wicked old Creature, cry'd honest _Joe_, _What are you not content to sell your own Soul, but you must sell your Maid's too?_

5. When the Duke of _Ormond_ was young, and came first to Court, he happen'd to stand next my Lady _Dorchester_, one Evening in the Drawing-Room, who being but little upon the Reserve on most Occasions, let a Fart, upon which he look'd her full in the Face and laugh'd. What's the Matter, my Lord, said she: Oh! I heard it, Madam, reply'd the Duke, you'll make a fine Courtier indeed, said she, if you mind every Thing you _hear_ in this Place.

6. A poor Man, who had a termagant Wife, after a long Dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last Word, told her, if she spoke one more _crooked_ Word, he'd beat her Brains out: Why then _Ram's Horns_, you Rogue, said she, if I die for't.

7. A Gentleman ask'd a Lady at _Tunbridge_, who had made a very large Acquaintance among the Beaus and pretty Fellows there, what she would do with them all. O! said she, they pass off like the Waters; and pray, Madam, reply'd the Gentleman do they all _pass_ the _same Way_?

8. An Hackney-Coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the Lawyers used to club their _Three-Pence_ a-piece, four of them, to go to _Westminster_, and being called by a Lawyer at _Temple-Bar_, who, with two others in their Gowns, got into his Coach, he was bid to drive to _Westminster-Hall_: but the Coachman still holding his Door open, as if he waited for more Company; one of the Gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the Door and go on, the Fellow, scratching his Head, cry'd you know, Master, my Fare's a Shilling, I can't go for _Nine-Pence_.

9. Two Free-thinking Authors proposed to a Bookseller, that was a little decayed in the World, that if he would print their Works they would _set him up_, and indeed they were as good as their Word, for in six Week's Time he was in the _Pillory_.

10. A Gentleman was saying one Day at the _Tilt-Yard_ Coffee-House, when it rained exceeding hard, that it put him in Mind of the General _Deluge_; Zoons, Sir, said an old Campaigner, who stood by, who's that? I have heard of all the _Generals_ in _Europe_ but him.

11. A certain Poet and Player, remarkable for his Impudence and Cowardice, happening many Years ago to have a Quarrel with Mr. _Powell_, another Player, received from him a smart Box of the Ear; a few Days after the Poetical Player having lost his Snuff-Box, and making strict Enquiry if any Body had seen his _Box_; what said another of the Buskin'd Wits, _that_ which _George Powell_ gave you t'other Night?

12. _Gun Jones_, who had made his Fortune himself from a mean Beginning, happening to have some Words with a Person who had known him some Time, was asked by the other, how he could have the Impudence to give himself so many Airs to him, when he knew very well, that he remember'd him seven Years before with hardly a _Rag to his A--_. You lie, Sirrah, reply'd _Jones_, seven Years ago _I had nothing but Rags to my A--_.

13. Lord _R----_ having lost about fifty Pistoles, one Night, at the Gaming-Table in _Dublin_, some Friends condoling with him upon his ill Luck, Faith, said he, I am very well pleas'd at what I have done, for I have bit them, by G---- there is not one Pistole that don't want Six-Pence of Weight.

14. Mother _Needham_, about 25 Years age being much in Arrear with her Landlord for Rent, was warmly press'd by him for his Money, Dear Sir, said she, how can you be so pressing at this dead Time of the Year, in about six Weeks Time both the Par----, and the C--n--v--c--n will sit, and then Business will be so brisk, that I shall be able to pay ten Times the Sum.

15. A Lady being asked how she liked a Gentleman's Singing, who had a very _stinking Breath_, the Words are good, said she, but the _Air_ is intolerable.

16. The late Mrs. _Oldfield_ being asked if she thought Sir _W. Y._ and Mrs. _H----n_, who had both stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a _Wedding_ between them.

17. A Gentleman saying something in Praise of Mrs. _G----ve_, who is, without Dispute, a good Player, tho' exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly; another said, her Face always put him in mind of _Mary-Bone Park_, being desired to explain himself, he said, it was vastly _rude_ and had not one Bit of _Pale_ about it.

18. A pragmatical young Fellow sitting at Table over-against the learned _John Scot_, asked him what difference there was between _Scot_ and _Sot_: _Just the Breadth of the Table_, answered the other.

19. Another Poet asked _Nat Lee_ if it was not easy to write like a _Madman_, as he did: No, answered _Nat_, but it is easy to write like a _Fool_ as you do.

20. _Colley_, who, notwithstanding his _Odes_, has now and then said a good Thing, being told one Night by the late Duke of _Wharton_, that he expected to see him _hang'd_ or _beggar'd_ very soon, by G--d, said the Laureat, if I had your Grace's _Politicks_ and _Morals_ you might expect _both_.

21. Sir _Thomas More_, for a long Time had only Daughters, his Wife earnestly praying that they may have a Boy, at last they had a _Boy_, who when he came to Man's Estate, proved but simple; _thou prayedst so long for a Boy_, said Sir _Thomas_ to his Wife, _that at last thou hast got one who will be a Boy as long as he lives_.

22. The same Gentleman, when Lord Chancellor being pressed by the Counsel of the Party, for a _longer day_ to perform a Decree, said, _Take St._ Barnaby's _Day, the longest in the Year_; which happened to be the next Week.

23. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his Humour and his Wit to the last Moment, when he came to be executed on _Tower-Hill_, the Heads-man demanded his _upper Garment_ as his Fee; ay, Friend, said he, taking off his _Cap_, That I think is my _Upper-Garment_.

24. The Great _Algernoon Sidney_ seemed to shew as little Concern at his Death, he had indeed got some Friends to intercede with the King for a Pardon; but when he was told, that his Majesty could not be prevailed upon to give him his Life, but that in Regard to his ancient and noble Family, he would remit Part of his Sentence, and only have his Head cut off; nay, said he, if his Majesty is resolved to have my _Head_ he may make a Whistle of my _A----_ if he pleases.

25. Lady _C----g_ and her two Daughters having taken Lodgings at a Leather-Breeches Maker's in _Piccadilly_, the Sign of the _Cock_ and _Leather-Breeches_, was always put to the Blush when she was obliged to give any Body Direction to her Lodgings, the Sign being so odd a one; upon which my Lady, a very good Sort of Woman, sending for her Landlord, a jolly young Fellow, told him, she liked him and his Lodgings very well, but she must be obliged to quit them on Account of his Sign, for she was ashamed to tell any body what it was, O! dear Madam, said the young Fellow, I would do any Thing rather than lose so good Lodgers, I can easily alter my Sign; so I think, answered my Lady, and I'll tell you how you may satisfy both me and my Daughters: _Only take down your_ Breeches _and let your_ Cock _stand_.

26. When _Rablais_ the greatest Drole in _France_, lay on his Death-Bed, he could not help jesting at the very last Moment, for having received the extreme Unction, a Friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was _prepared_ for the next World; Yes, yes, reply'd _Rablais_, I am ready for my Journey now, _they have just greased my Boots_.

27. _Henry_ the IVth, of _France_, reading an ostentatious Inscription on the Monument of a _Spanish_ Officer, _Here lies the Body of_ Don, &c., &c. _who never knew what Fear was_. _Then_ said the King, _he never snuffed a Candle with his Fingers_.

28. A certain Member of the _French_ Academy, who was no great Friend to the Abbot _Furetiere_, one Day took the Seat that was commonly used by the Abbot, and soon after having Occasion to speak, and _Furetiere_ being by that Time come in; Here is a Place, said he, Gentlemen, from when I am likely to utter a thousand Impertinences: Go on, answered _Furetiere_, there's _one_ already.

29. When Sir _Richard Steele_ was fitting up his great Room, in _York-Buildings_, for publick Orations, that very Room, which is now so worthily occupied by the learned and eximious Mr. Professor _Lacy_. He happened at one Time to be pretty much behind Hand with his Workmen, and coming one Day among them to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the _Rostrum_, and make a Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard, the Fellow mounting, and scratching his Pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in Truth he was no Orator. Oh! said the Knight, no Matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir _Richard_, said the Fellow, we have been working for you these six Weeks, and cannot get one Penny of Money, pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir _Richard_, pray come down, I have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't admire your Subject.

30. A Country Clergyman meeting a Neighbour who never came to Church, altho' an old Fellow of above Sixty, he gave him some Reproof on that Account, and asked him if he never read at Home: No, replyed the Clown, I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, _God_, Sir, answered the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a great while, Master, sin I were made.

31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another, that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every _Sunday_, and _make nothing of it_.

32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended. Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very _moving_ Discourse.

33. Sir _William Davenant_, the Poet, had _no Nose_, who going along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God preserve your _Eye-Sight_; Sir, the Lord preserve your _Eye-Sight_. Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my _Eye-Sight_? Ah! dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your _Spectacles_ on.

34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was set up in _Westminster-Abbey_, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in the same Monument with Squire _Thyne_'s for he was his Coachman.

35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really _Sampson_, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and Shoulders.

36. My Lord _Strangford_, who stammered very much, was telling a certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that _Balaam_'s Ass spoke because he was Pri----est---- Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the Bishop, _Balaam_ could not speak himself, and so his _Ass_ spoke for him.

37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of his Table, why the _Goose_, if there was one, was always plac'd next the _Parson_. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your Question is so odd, that I shall never see a _Goose_ for the future without thinking of your _Lordship_.

38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil _S----ge_ could live, now my Lord _T----l_ had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits said the other; _That is living upon a slender Stock indeed_, reply'd the First.

39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? _Home for my Night-Cap_, answered the first, _For I find we are to stay here all Night_.

40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of _Tiperary_, having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by throwing _Stones_ at him; _Your Musick, my Friend_, said one of his Companions, is as powerful as that of _Orpheus_, for it draws the very _Stones about you_.

41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his _Head_, there was _nothing_ in it.

42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other, you have _deceived_ me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a second Time.

43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the _French Prophets_, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to Prison; upon which Mr. _Lacy_, one of their Followers, came one Day to my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him, he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said _Lacy_, I must see him, for I come to him from the _Lord God_, which being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him his Business; I come, said he, from the _Lord_, who sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a _Noli Prosequi_ for _John Atkins_, whom thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord, and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to the _Attorney-General_, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a _Noli-Prosequi_.

44. _Tom B--rn--t_ happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths, the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to _Tom_'s turn to drink, he diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round, call'd out, Gentlemen, _where sticks the Ministry_? At nothing, by G--d, says _Tom_, and so drank off his Glass.

45. My Lord _Craven_, in King _James_ the First's Reign, was very desirous to see _Ben Johnson_, which being told to _Ben_, he went to my Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: _Ben_, who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you? _Ben Johnson_, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be _Ben Johnson_ who wrote the _Silent Woman_, you look as if you could not say Bo to a Goose: _Bo_, cry'd _Ben_, very well, said my Lord, who was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now convinced, by your Wit, you are _Ben Johnson_.

46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every _Sense_ in Perfection; no, by G--d, said one, who was by, there is one you are entirely without, and that is _Common Sense_.

47. An _Irish_ Lawyer of the _Temple_, having occasion to go to Dinner, left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door, _I am gone to the_ Elephant _and_ Castle, _where you shall find me_; and if _you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and he will read it for you_.

48. Old _Dennis_ who had been the author of many Plays, going by a _Brandy-Shop_, in St. _Paul's Church-Yard_; the Man who kept it, came out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he, because you are a _Dramatick_ Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it, S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because I was a _Dramatick_ Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not think you had been a _Dram o'Tick_ Poet.

49. _Daniel Purcel_, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of _January_, they went to the _Salutation Tavern_ upon _Holbourn-Hill_, and finding the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they would please to have, why open your Door, said _Daniel_, and draw us a Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that Day, it was a _Fast_; D--mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise Coxcomb, is he not contented to _fast_ himself but he must make his Doors _fast_ too.

50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained they were too _short_; the Drawer said they had no other, and those were but _just come in_: Ay, said _Daniel_, I see you have not bought them _very long_.

51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster, was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a _Pun extempore_, upon what Subject, said _Daniel_, the _King_, answered the other, the _King_, Sir, said he, is no _Subject_.

52. _G----s E----l_ who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid Covetousness, told _Cibber_ one Night, in the _Green Room_, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith _he loved him_, Ah! said _Colley_, I wish I was a Shilling for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat, I should be sure _you loved me_.

53. Lord _C----by_ coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called out, where's my _Fellow_! Not in _England_, by G--d, said a Gentleman, who stood by.

54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in _Latin_, the Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the Gentleman, did you not say you were a _poor Scholar_? _Yes_, reply'd the other, _a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of_ Latin.

55. Several Years ago when Mrs. _Rogers_ the Player, was young and handsome, Lord _North_, and _Grey_, remarkable for his homely Face, accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what was a _Cure for Love_? Your _Lordship_, said she, the best I know in the World.

56. Colonel ----, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. _James's Square_, upon the Peace of _Reswick_, being in Company with some Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. _Purcel's_ Monument,

He _is gone to that Place were only his own_ Harmony _can be exceeded_.

Lord, Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the same Epitaph might serve for you, by altering one Word only:

_He is gone to that Place, where only his own_ Fire-Works _can be exceeded_.

57. Poor _Joe Miller_ happening one Day to be caught by some of his Friends in a familiar Posture with a Cook Wench, almost as ugly as _Kate Cl--ve_, was very much rallied by them for the Oddness of his Fancy. Why look ye, said he, Gentleman, altho' I am not a very young Fellow, I have a good Constitution, and am not, I thank Heaven, reduced yet to _Beauty_ or _Brandy_ to whet my Appetite.

58. Lady _N----_, who had but a very homely Face, but was extremely well shaped, and always near about the Legs and Feet, was tripping one Morning over the _Park_ in a Mask; and a Gentleman followed her for a long while making strong Love to her, he called her his _Life_, his _Soul_, his _Angel_, and begged with abundance of Earnestness, to have a Glimpse of her Face; at last when she came on the other Side of the Bird-Cage Walk, to the House she was going into, she turned about and pulling off her Mask: Well, Sir, said she, what is it you would have with me? The Man at first Sight of her Face, drew back, and lifting up his Hands, O! _Nothing!_ Madam, _Nothing_, cry'd he; I cannot say, said my Lady, but I like your Sincerity, tho' I hate your Manners.

60. Sir _B--ch--r W----y_, in the Beginning of Queen _Anne_'s Reign, and three or four more drunken Tories, reeling home from the _Fountain-Tavern_ in the _Strand_, on a _Sunday_ Morning, cry'd out, we are the pillars of the Church, no, by G--d, said a Whig, that happened to be in their Company, you can be but the _Buttresses_, for you never come on the Inside of it.

61. After the Fire of _London_, there was an Act of Parliament to regulate the Buildings of the City, every House was to be _three Stories_ high, and there were to be no _Balconies_ backwards: A _Gloucestershire_ Gentleman, a Man of great Wit and Humour, just after this Act passed, going along the Street, and seeing a little crooked Gentlewoman, on the other Side of the Way, he runs over to her in great haste, Lord, Madam, said he, how dare you to walk the Streets thus publickly? Walk the Streets! why not! answered the little Woman. Because said he, you are built directly contrary to Act of Parliament, you are but two Stories high, and your _Balcony_ hangs over your House-of-Office.