Part 3

Miss Piners, who were in as great a hurry with their preparations as Jemima, behaved with less composure on the occasion: they tossed every thing out of their drawers in search of such toys as they could possibly take with them, and wanted to pack up their whole stock of play-things (which, indeed, was a very large one), and then as fast as Dinah put what they desired into their trunk, Ellen snatched it out if it belonged to her sister; and Sally did the same unless it happened to be her own. So that, quite tired with their teazing, naughty behaviour, she turned it topsy-turvy, and declared she would not put up any one thing except their clothes; and added, She wished they were gone, with all her heart.

I shall not take up your time with any account of their journey, nor endeavour to describe the places which they passed through in their way to Smiledale, whither they arrived about five o'clock in the afternoon. Jemima ran to her mamma with a degree of rapture which evinced the sincerity of her joy, in returning to her embraces, as soon as her brothers would permit her to disengage herself from their caresses; for as they knew the day which was fixed for their return, and could nearly guess at the time she would arrive, they had taken their stand at the very place where they had parted with her; and as soon as the carriage came in sight, they ran with their utmost speed to meet it, and came back again, jumping by the side, and when the coach stopped, were so eager to welcome their sister, that they would scarcely leave room for her to get out, and they were in such a hurry to show her every new acquisition they had made since her departure, that they would not allow her time to speak to any body but themselves.

Charles wanted her to go into the hall to look at his linnet; and William was as earnest to take her to his rabbits; while Jemima, who was equally ready to oblige them both, stood still, without knowing which she should first consent to follow; till Mr. Placid, taking hold of her hand, thus moderated the impatience of his sons:--My dear boys, I am much delighted to see your mutual affection for each other, and the pleasure you express at your sister's return; but do not be in such a hurry to show her those things which she will to-morrow have sufficient time to inspect. We all wish at present to enjoy her company, and therefore defer your intention of taking her from us to-night, as I hope you will have no occasion to fear a speedy separation; besides, I think you are a little wanting in politeness, not to take notice of your cousins.

Charles said he did not know them; and William declared he did not want them; and both acknowledged they had nothing to say to them.

Mrs. Placid blamed them for the rudeness of such declarations, and took the young ladies and Jemima up stairs to their apartment, while tea was getting ready. During this interval, William climbed upon his father's knee, and as Mr. Placid was holding both his hands while he leaned back his head till it nearly touched the ground, he pulled him up, and kissing him, said, I am surprised, my boys, that you have not more politeness, than to neglect Miss Piners in such a manner, and endeavour to excuse it by further rudeness. Why, I do not want them, replied William, and must not I speak the truth? You always tell me that the naughtiest thing I can do, is to tell lies; and, I am sure, I am very sorry they are come, for I like to have Jemima to ourselves; so pray, Sir, what would you choose I should do? I would have you, my dear, returned his papa, always endeavour to behave with good-nature and politeness. You cannot think how much it will recommend you to general approbation; nor of how great importance an attention to the trifling graces of your conduct will prove in future life. And although you, William, may not be glad of your cousins' company (which, in my opinion, is rather a churlish speech), yet you might have behaved with civility; might have inquired after your uncle and aunt, have reached them each a chair to sit down upon, and if you had not (as you cannot do it with truth) said you was glad to see them; yet you might have taken such notice, by speaking kindly to them, as to vindicate yourself from the charge of rudeness and ill-manners, which you have now incurred.--But as we are boys, Sir, said Charles, such a neglect is not so bad in us, as it does not so much signify. We are not, you know, expected to sit prim all the day, as the girls do, and play the lady. O! how I should hate to sit with my hands before me, bridling like them for a whole afternoon together, without moving any more than my stick when I put it up in the corner! I would not be a girl to go into company in such a manner for the world!--I am glad to see you satisfied with your destination, replied Mr. Placid; but you are much mistaken, I assure you, if you think the study of politeness is unnecessary to a man; and however you may flatter yourselves with an exemption from those more confined rules of behaviour which young ladies are expected to observe, yet I would advise you to remember, that a constant attention to your carriage is at all times necessary, if you would wish to be loved and esteemed, or to meet with success in your undertakings.--You, Charles, have frequently remarked the amazing difference which is visible between Colonel Armstrong, and Sir Hugh Forester, though the one is a man of more sense, of larger fortune, and equally worthy as the other; yet, you regard the Colonel with admiration, and are too apt to treat the Baronet with ridicule and contempt; so great are the advantages of that polish, which can only be acquired in early youth by diligent and constant attention: for if you accustom yourself to lounge about, to eat with your fingers, or hold your knife and fork so low that they scarcely save them from the grease; if you slovenly dirt your clothes, either omit to bow at all or else bend your body as aukwardly as Jack Carter, the plough-boy; in short, if by any such trifling neglect you acquire a habit of clownish ill-manners, you will fail to gain that respect which is only paid to true merit, when accompanied by the graces. Custom has made it necessary for you to be particularly attentive to the wants of those with whom you are in company: you should use yourselves to watch when a lady's cup is empty, that you may be ready to take it from her; or any thing has fallen down by accident, that you may with briskness pick it up; when a chair is wanting, to fetch it; or to give any assistance in your power in those trifles which occur every day; and which, by attending to, you will learn a habit of doing, as it were, mechanically; that is, without the trouble of thinking about it, in the same manner as you eat your dinner, without reflecting all the time what you are doing.--I confess, said Charles, that Colonel Armstrong has always struck me as the most agreeable man I ever saw; but he does not seem to take any peculiar trouble to behave better than other people. On the contrary, I have heard my mamma say, that he is more easy in his manners than Sir Hugh, who labours to be polite, without in the least looking like a gentleman.--That ease which you mention, said his father, is the degree of perfection which I am so solicitous to have you acquire, and which is the most difficult thing to attain, though it appears to be exercised without trouble or attention. You must therefore endeavour, by the influence of custom, to gain those natural advantages, which can only be learned in the early season of youth, and to the neglect of which it is to be ascribed, that so few men (comparatively speaking) are either polite or graceful.

Tea being now ready, Mrs. Placid and the young ladies made their appearance; and Master Placids, to show they had profited by their papa's advice, both ran to fetch a chair for Miss Sally, and reaching it at the same time, pushed with such force against each other, that Charles hurt William's forehead, and very nearly threw him down; at which he expressing great sorrow, declared the accident was by no means intended.--I wish I had not been so polite! said William, rubbing the place; but I know, brother, you would not hurt me designedly, so pray do not say any more about it, for I do not mind such a trifle.--I hope not, said his papa, and I would not have you discouraged at the effects of your aukwardness; for, my dear boy, it is to that, rather than your politeness, that this terrible disaster is owing; for had you minded where you were going, you would not so violently have encountered each other; and either of you might, unhurt, have carried the chair to your cousin, who has been waiting all this time without one. And this is a proof of what I just now mentioned, that the grace which you admire in Colonel Armstrong, will not be easily obtained, unless you be careful to attend to what you are doing.--As Mr. Placid concluded this sentence, he was interrupted by the entrance of Master Wagstaff, a young gentleman of about thirteen, who had been for some years at Eaton, but was then returned for the vacation. His father was a near neighbour to the vicar, and had sent his son to invite the family to dine with him the next day; to which Mr. and Mrs. Placid consented; and at the time appointed, they set out for the Grove, which was the name of Mr. Wagstaff's house. On their arrival, they found the company walking before dinner in the garden. The party consisted of Mr., Mrs., and Miss Wagstaff, and an old gentleman of the name of Crossly, and a young lady who was his niece. She was just turned of fifteen, was very pretty and genteel, but extremely affected in her manner and conversation; pretended to be afraid of animals and insects, and tossed herself into a thousand ridiculous attitudes at the sight of a spider, an earwig, or a wasp. They were soon joined by Master Wagstaff and one of his school-fellows, who was on a visit to him during the holidays; he was about the same age, and was called Bob Sprightly.

When they had walked for some time, they returned into the drawing-room; and Mr. Crossly took up his snuff box, which he had left on the table, declaring, he was rejoiced to find it, for that he was always uncomfortable in its absence. Miss Myra, the young lady above-mentioned, expressed her dislike to such a disagreeable habit, and declared, that to be in the room when it was open always made her sneeze. Her uncle looked at her with some displeasure, and ascribed it to her fanciful maggots; saying, it was the best remedy for a head-ach he had ever experienced, and that it never had any disagreeable effect on himself; adding, as she was so squeamish, he would hold his box out of the window while he took a pinch, from fear of offending her delicate nostrils. So, saying he did as he had proposed, keeping his hand at a great distance, and taking a large pinch, he snuffed it up with uncommon haste and avidity. No sooner had his nose received the powerful scent, than he began to cough, choke, and sneeze in such a manner as alarmed the company, though Miss Myra seemed inclined to rejoice at it, and Bob Sprightly, with his friend Samuel, could with difficulty refrain from a violent burst of laughter. At length the old gentleman, being somewhat recovered, began to reproach his niece with her treachery, in having filled his box with pepper, which he declared it to be. She denied the charge, and disowned any knowledge of the adventure. The truth indeed was this: while Mr. Crossly was walking in the garden, the young gentlemen found his box on the table, and thinking the effect would afford them some occasion for their mirth, had desired the footman to procure them a quantity of ground pepper, which they mixed with a little snuff, and carefully replaced the box where they found it. I have already informed you of the success of their scheme, in which they had the more readily engaged, as Mr. Crossly was a man of no very agreeable disposition, and, by his ill-nature, had rendered himself obnoxious to their dislike. The preceding accident, it may be supposed, did not increase his good-humour; and, to say the truth, he was in no great harmony during the rest of the day.

Some time after this, as Miss Myra was stooping to pick up her scissars, Bob contrived to put a large spider upon the lappet of her cap, which very quietly marched about without being perceived, and entertained itself with the prospect of her ribbons, gauze, and flowers, surveyed her curls, and examined the beauty of a bow which hung from the middle of her head-dress. It afterwards very leisurely took its progress down her neck, the tickling sensation of its footsteps she attributed to some loose locks, which she stroked up with her hand. This motion quickened its descent, and it now invaded her shoulder, and took its path quite in sight down her arm, where she first discovered its appearance. With a scream, which the whole house might have heard, she hastily jumped across the room and overset a little table, at which the ladies were at work, and which falling on poor Jemima, gave her a most violent blow on the head and shoulders, she being at a distance playing with her cousins at cards. The company, who were all ignorant of this sudden disturbance, begged Miss Myra to inform them what was the matter with her? which she at length complied with, by exclaiming, A spider! a spider! What shall I do? Take it off, or I shall faint!--This Samuel immediately did; but as her affectation was truly ridiculous, he was determined to divert himself still further with the effects of her folly. In the mean time her uncle blamed her, with some warmth, for the childish foolishness of her behaviour. One would have thought, said he, it had been a giant instead of a spider with which you were engaged. Such an outcry, indeed, for nothing at all--I am quite ashamed of you! And pray see what mischief you have done to Miss Placid! The young lady, in some confusion, apologized for the hurt which her impetuosity had occasioned; and Jemima, who was seldom ruffled by a trifling accident, soon resumed her usual cheerfulness, though she felt the pain for a considerable time. Peace and order being once more re-established, a basket of fruit was brought to please the children, together with some biscuits, and some small seed cakes, which Mrs. Wagstaff had provided for their entertainment.

Miss Myra was politely offered some by Master Sprightly; and upon opening an apricot, a second object of her aversion presented itself, not less dreadful than the former, a large earwig dropped into her lap. Notwithstanding the late mischance which had happened, in consequence of such a weak indulgence of her fears, she again shrieked as if violently hurt, and started from her seat, which she kicked back at the same time, without any regard to her uncle, who was stooping down behind her chair to pick up the stalk of a bunch of currants, which he had let fall.

The chair met his face with such violence, as to knock out one of his front teeth, which had been loose a great while, and which he had carefully preserved, as it much assisted his speech. You may imagine, therefore, that this event did not restore him to a very placid state, as he had already been sufficiently discomposed by the former circumstances which I have mentioned.

Added to her uncle's displeasure, Miss Myra had, in some degree, suffered herself; having torn a muslin apron which she was working, and which she had unpinned to show to Miss Wagstaff. Such was the state of affairs, when Mr. Speedmore, a young country gentleman, entered the room. He was about seventeen, very tall, and clumsy in his appearance, and entirely destitute of those graces which Mr. Placid had, the preceding evening, recommended to his sons. As soon as he had muttered over his first compliments to the master of the house, he sneaked himself into a chair that stood near the door, and sitting down on one side of it, placed an oak stick, which he held in his hand, between his legs, and leaning his chin upon the top, sometimes nibbled the head, and at others gnawed a piece of his glove, which happened to be unsewed. Miss Myra surveyed his figure with the utmost contempt, and whispered to her companion, Miss Wagstaff, that she should like to teaze such a boor; which, she supposed, might be easily done, by obliging him to speak, as he absolutely seemed to have lost his tongue.

In consequence of this resolution, she addressed herself particularly to him, and inquired, whether he had been to a camp, which was at some little distance from Smiledale? and whether he had yet learned, or intended to learn, the manual exercise? To this question, as he was very inattentive, he at first returned no answer; and upon its being repeated, he misunderstood her meaning, and replied--No, Miss! I have seen no Emanuel, nor do I know any such person.--This misapprehension afforded great entertainment to the younger part of the company, who laughed for some time at his mistake; till Mr. Placid inquired into the cause, and, with great good-nature, blamed them for the indulgence of their mirth at Mr. Speedmore's expense; and Miss Wagstaff, with a smile at Miss Myra, added, That the laugh was turned since the earwig had escaped. She blushed at the consciousness which she felt at the reproof, and giving her friend a tap on the shoulder, enjoined her to be silent, declaring, she would not again speak to the young man, though he should gnaw his stick down to the ferrel.

Mrs. Placid, though in some measure recovered from her late indisposition, still continued extremely weak. The coach was therefore ordered to attend them early; and taking their leave of the company, they all returned home; when the young folk, after wishing them good-night, retired to-bed. The next morning at breakfast, Miss Piner began the conversation, by showing how awkwardly Mr. Speedmore had behaved, and what a cross gentleman she thought Miss Myra's uncle was.--I was so glad when the snuff made him sneeze and cough! said Miss Sally.--And, I am sure, he deserved it, said William; for last Sunday when we were coming home from church, he stood at the little gate in the church-yard with fat Mr. Stopway, and would not let Tom Gibbons pass; but took him by the shoulder, and shook him for being so rude, as to push his way between two gentlemen. And is that the cause, returned his father, that you rejoice so heartily at the inconvenience which he suffered? Why, my dear, you take Tom's affront sadly to heart; but so far from thinking it ill-natured of him to tell such a poor boy of a fault, I dare say, he intended it as a kind admonition; for Tom has not any body to instruct him in those common attentions of civility, which are necessary to recommend even a day-labourer to regard. And if Mr. Speedmore had the advantage of a friend to hint to him the use of politeness, it might have saved him from the censure of your cousin, who seems to have been quite astonished at the rusticity of his manners. That young man, continued he, has received no advantage from his education; his father having neglected to improve him in any thing but the sports of the field, in which his own time is entirely engaged, and to which he has brought up his son; so that you ought rather to compassionate his misfortune, than ridicule his defects; and from observing how unpleasing such a roughness of manners will make a person of a good disposition, learn to bestow greater assiduity in the cultivation of your own graces. But I am too apt to forget, Sir, said Charles, that though I always intend to mind your advice, and think it very just and reasonable at the time you are speaking to me, yet, when I pass by a gentleman, I frequently do not pull off my hat till he is out of sight and then I recollect it would have been more polite so to have done; and thus in other cases, I do not remember to attend when any body in company is addressing themselves to me; because I am busy, either in looking out of the window, or playing with something that is near me, and so they are obliged to speak several times before I hear they are talking to me. But you should take pains not to forget any thing that you are taught, replied Mr. Placid, or otherwise there will be no use in my taking the trouble to instruct you. I will tell you a story, Charles.

There was once a gentleman and a lady who had two children, a boy and a girl. They were somewhat like you; that is, were troubled with short memories: for although they were frequently told to hold up their heads, turn out their toes, and say, Sir and Madam; when they addressed any body, they constantly forgot to do it. Their papa was one day lamenting this negligence of his children to a person who paid him a visit, and who replied, that if he would trust them to his management, he would engage in a short time so deeply to impress it upon their minds, that they should ever after retain his instructions on their memory. To this proposal the gentleman very willingly agreed; and Master Ben and his sister Peggy accompanied their papa's friend to his house. As they were acquainted with the design of their visit, he addressed them the next morning in terms to this purpose:--As you well know what is expected from you, and have been fully instructed in the requisite attentions of polite behaviour, I shall hope you will observe them very minutely; and in order to remind you when you are forgetful, I shall keep this little spur in my hand; and whenever I see occasion shall take the liberty of applying it, which will give you a sharp degree of pain; and therefore, I dare say, you will take care to avoid it. Besides this, I shall, as opportunities arise, punish your neglect by the loss of your meals, or any thing else which I may think proper to deprive you of; and the sooner you remember to observe every thing which you are desired, the sooner you will return to your parents; with whom, if your memories remain sufficiently good to do as you are bid, you will continue; but whenever that fails you, they will turn you to my instructions. The young folk listened very attentively to this discourse, and promised obedience to his commands; in which promise their intention was to be sincere, and he caressed them accordingly. But, my dear Charles, little Ben soon forgot, that to loll his arms on the table at dinner-time was by no means consistent with good manners; upon which his new tutor applied his spur with such success to his elbows, that the smart he experienced, in a moment occasioned their removal. His sister had soon reason to sympathize with his misfortune from her own feelings; for as she had an ugly custom of drinking with her mouth full, and breathing in her glass, the reminding spur attacked her cheek so sharply, that the smart would not let her forget the cause which had given an opportunity for its use.