Part 6

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke?

VON BREMER.

Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him.

HOLLAND.

But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

LADY WANLEY.

And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

SERLO.

Well, I’m jiggered.

JACK STRAW.

Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [_With a glance at_ ETHEL.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I thought I’d see how it looked from the point of view of a man who had nothing but his wits to live on. After trying it, I tell you frankly that I much prefer living on the revenues which rise from the strength of arm of my ancestors. When you saw me at the Grand Babylon Hotel I was preparing to return to the bosom of my family, but I saw this young lady, and the chance offering, decided to come down here. It was not unnatural that when I was asked to assume a grandiloquent name I should assume my own. Yesterday, when I met Count von Bremer, I begged him to wire to the Emperor, asking for his consent to my marriage with Miss Ethel Jennings.

VON BREMER.

I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few hours....

JACK STRAW.

They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of an Archduke.

[_He goes up to_ ETHEL.

JACK STRAW.

And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy servant.

ETHEL.

I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What! I know nothing about this.

JACK STRAW.

I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased.

ETHEL.

The fact remains.

JACK STRAW.

[_Going to_ SERLO.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the moving expressions you can think of.

SERLO.

Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on pulling my leg.

JACK STRAW.

Put a little dignity into it, man.

SERLO.

I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score off you.

JACK STRAW.

Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye in the place.

SERLO.

Well, the fact is--it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me--I happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off too.

JACK STRAW.

By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one.

ETHEL.

Why didn’t you tell me?

SERLO.

Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you--er....

JACK STRAW.

Threw yourself at his head.

ETHEL.

[_To Jack Straw with a smile._] I ought to be very angry with you. You’ve laughed at me all the time. I don’t believe you’ll ever take me seriously. If I really were the romantic creature you say I am, I’d be very dignified and refuse to have anything to do with you at all.

JACK STRAW.

But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing of the kind.

ETHEL.

It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite right in what you said just now.

JACK STRAW.

Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_With enormous satisfaction._] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. You can’t deceive a mother.

JACK STRAW.

[_With a start._] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own daughter.

JACK STRAW.

My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Truly, sir, a barbarous country.

THE END.

Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber:

I’m so glad that I know you better know=> I’m so glad that I know you better now {pg 70}

takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up ball=> takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball {pg 124}