Part 1

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IRISH WIT AND HUMOR,

ANECDOTE BIOGRAPHY

OF

SWIFT, CURRAN, O'LEARY AND O'CONNELL.

NEW YORK:

J. A. McGEE, 9 BARCLAY STREET.

1872.

Entered according to the act of Congress, in the year 1871, by James McGee in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.

Stereotyped at the New York Catholic Protectory, West Chester, N. Y.

CONTENTS.

DEAN SWIFT.

His Birth--Singular Event 9

A Certificate of Marriage 10

Grace after Dinner 11

The Three Crosses 13

Chief Justice Whitshed 12

To Quilca 16

Mr. Pulteney 16

Resolutions when I come to be Old 17

Miss Bennet 19

The Feast of O'Rourke 20

Swift's Behavior at Table 24

Countess of Burlington 25

Swift's Political Principles 27

Swift's Charity 29

Public Absurdity in Ireland 30

Swift's Peculiarity of Humor 30

Dr. Bolton 32

The Scriblerus Club 33

The Upstart 36

Meditation upon a broomstick 37

Cossing a Dog 39

Trade of Ireland 40

A Beggar's Wedding 41

The Pies--Short Charity Sermon 43

A Courtier's Retort--Lying 44

Dr. Sacheverell 45

Taxing the Air--Wisdom 46

Epitaph on Judge Boat 47

On Stephen Duck, the Thresher and Favorite Poet 47

Dialogue between Swift and his Landlord 48

Roger Cox 50

Roger and the Poultry 52

Kelly the Blacksmith 52

Birth-day Presents 53

The Dean's Contributory Dinner 56

Swift and Bettesworth 58

Swift among the Lawyers 61

Preaching Patriotism 61

Swift and his Butler 63

His Saturnalia 65

The Dean and Faulkner 66

Swift, Arbuthnot, and Parnell 67

Dean Swift and the Preacher who stole his sermon 69

Swift's queer Testimonial to his Servant 71

Swift at Thomastown 73

Swift's Last Lines 77

JOHN PHILPOT CURRAN.

His birth 79

Curran as Punch's Man 80

At a debating Society 80

The Bank--Duel with St. Leger 82

The Monks of the Screw 83

Lord Avonmore 84

His first Client 86

Curran and the Informer 89

Lord Clare 93

Curran's Eloquence 94

Scene between Fitzgibbon and Curran 96

Defence of Rowan 98

Encounter with a Fishwoman 114

Curran and Lord Erskine 114

Duel with Bully Egan 116

Massy versus Headfort 116

The Serenading Lover 121

Employment of Informers 128

Curran and the Farmer 130

Curran and the Judge 132

Curran's quarrel with Fitzgibbon 133

High Authority 136

Red Tape--Curran and the Mastiff 137

ARTHUR O'LEARY.

His birth 139

Controversy with an Infidel 140

Interview with Dr. Mann 144

Controversy with John Wesley 145

Meeting of O'Leary and Wesley 151

Dr. O'Leary and Father Callanan 152

O'Leary and the Quakers 154

His Reception by the Volunteers 155

O'Leary and John O'Keefe 157

O'Leary and the Irish Parliament 159

His Interview with Daniel Danser 162

A Fop 164

His Person--Captain Rock 166

Lots drawn to have him at dinner 168

Reply to charge of Recantation 171

O'Leary and the Rector 173

Lady Morgan 174

A Batch of Interesting Anecdotes 175

A Dog's Religion 179

Howard and Mr. Henry Shears 180

His Habits of study 181

Edmond Burke 182

His Charity 183

O'Leary versus Curran 184

His triumph over Dr. Johnson 186

A Nolle Prosequi 187

The Prince of Wales 188

The Closing Scenes of his Life 189

DANIEL O'CONNELL.

Darby Moran 193

A Dead Man with Life in Him 194

A Young Judge Done 196

O'Connell and a Snarling Attorney 197

His encounter with Biddy Moriarty 201

O'Connell and a Bilking Client 207

Sow-West and the Wigs 209

Election and Railway Dinners 211

Scene at Killiney 213

An Insolent Judge 214

A Witness Cajoled 216

His Duel with Captain D'Esterre 217

O'Connell and Secretary Goulburn 225

Entrapping a Witness 220

Gaining over a Jury 227

Paddy and the Parson 229

A Martial Judge 230

Retentive Memory 231

A Political Hurrah at a Funeral 233

Refusal of Office 233

A Mistaken Frenchman 234

Epistolary Bores 235

Sir R. Peel's Opinion of O'Connell 237

Anecdote of O'Connell's Uncle 237

A Slight Rebuke 238

IRISH WIT AND HUMOR.

DEAN SWIFT.

HIS BIRTH.

Dr. Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, was born A.D. 1667, in Hoey's Court, Dublin, the fourth house, right hand side, as you enter from Werburgh-street. The houses in this court still bear evidence of having been erected for the residence of respectable folks. The "Dean's House," as it is usually designated, had marble chimney-pieces, was wainscotted from hall to garret, and had panelled oak doors, one of which is in possession of Doctor Willis, Rathmines--a gentleman who takes a deep interest in all matters connected with the history of his native city.

SINGULAR EVENT.

When Swift was a year old, an event happened to him that seems very unusual; for his nurse, who was a woman of Whitehaven, being under the absolute necessity of seeing one of her relations, who was then extremely sick, and from whom she expected a legacy; and being extremely fond of the infant, she stole him on shipboard unknown to his mother and uncle, and carried him with her to Whitehaven, where he continued for almost three years. For, when the matter was discovered, his mother sent orders by all means not to hazard a second voyage till he could be better able to bear it. The nurse was so careful of him that before he returned he had learned to spell; and by the time that he was five years old, he could read any chapter in the Bible.

After his return to Ireland he was sent at six years old to the school of Kilkenny, from whence at fourteen he was admitted into the Dublin University.

A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.

Swift, in one of his pedestrian journeys from London towards Chester, is reported to have taken shelter from a summer tempest under a large oak on the road side, at no great distance from Litchfield. Presently, a man, with a pregnant woman, wore driven by the like impulse to avail themselves of the same covert. The Dean, entering into conversation, found the parties were destined for Litchfield to be married. As the situation of the woman indicated no time should be lost, a proposition was made on his part to save them the rest of the journey, by performing the ceremony on the spot. The offer was gladly accepted, and thanks being duly returned, the bridal pair, as the sky brightened, was about to return: but the bridegroom suddenly recollecting that a certificate was requisite to authenticate the marriage, requested one, which the Dean wrote in these words:

Under an oak, in stormy weather, I joined this rogue and wench together, And none but he who rules the thunder, Can put this wench and rogue asunder.

GRACE AFTER DINNER.

Swift was once invited by a rich miser with a large party to dine; being requested by the host to return thanks at the removal of the cloth, uttered the following grace:--

Thanks for this miracle!--this is no less Than to eat manna in the wilderness. Where raging hunger reign'd we've found relief, And seen that wondrous thing, a piece of beef. Here chimneys smoke, that never smok'd before, And we've all ate, where we shall eat no more!

THE THREE CROSSES.

Swift in his journeys on foot from Dublin to London, was accustomed to stop for refreshments or rest at the neat little ale-houses at the road's side. One of these, between Dunchurch and Daventry, was formerly distinguished by the sign of the _Three Crosses_, in reference to the three intersecting ways which fixed the site of the house. At this the Dean called for his breakfast, but the landlady, being engaged with accommodating her more constant customers, some wagoners, and staying to settle an altercation which unexpectedly arose, keeping him waiting, and inattentive to his repeated exclamations, he took from his pocket a diamond, and wrote on every pane of glass in her best room:--

TO THE LANDLORD.

There hang three crosses at thy door: Hang up thy wife, and she'll make four.

CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED.

Swift, in a letter to Pope, thus mentions the conduct of this worthy Chief Justice:--

"I have written in this kingdom a discourse to persuade the wretched people to wear their own manufactures instead of those from England: this treatise soon spread very fast, being agreeable to the sentiments of a whole nation, except of those gentlemen who had employments, or were expectants. Upon which a person in great office here immediately took the alarm; he sent in haste to Lord Chief Justice Whitshed, and informed him of a seditious, factious, and virulent pamphlet, lately published, with a design of setting the two kingdoms at variance, directing at the same time that the printer should be prosecuted with the utmost rigor of the law. The Chief Justice had so quick an understanding that he resolved, if possible, to outdo his orders. The grand juries of the county and city were practised effectually with to represent the said pamphlet with all aggravating epithets, for which they had thanks sent them from England, and their presentments published for several weeks in all the newspapers. The printer was seized, and forced to give great bail: after this trial the jury brought him in _not guilty_, although they had been culled with the greatest industry. The Chief Justice sent them back nine times, and kept them eleven hours, until, being tired out, they were forced to leave the matter to the mercy of the judge, by what they call a special verdict. During the trial, the Chief Justice, among other singularities, laid his hand on his breast, and protested solemnly that the author's design was to bring in the Pretender, although there was not a single syllable of party in the whole treatise, and although it was known that the most eminent of those who professed his own principles publicly disallowed his proceedings. But the cause being so very odious and unpopular, the trial of the verdict was deferred from one term to another, until, upon the arrival of the Duke of Grafton, the Lord Lieutenant, his Grace, after mature advice and permission from England, was pleased to grant a _nolle prosequi_."

CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED'S MOTTO ON HIS COACH.

_Libertas et natale solum._ Liberty and my native country.

_Libertas et natale solum_; Fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em: Could nothing but thy chief reproach Serve for a motto on thy coach? But let me now the words translate: _Natale solum_:--my estate: My dear estate, how well I love it! My tenants, if you doubt, will prove it. They swear I am so kind and good, I hug them till I squeeze their blood. _Libertas_ bears a large import: First, how to swagger in a court; And, secondly, to show my fury Against an uncomplying Jury; And, thirdly, 'tis a new invention To favor Wood, and keep my pension: And fourthly, 'tis to play an odd trick, Get the Great Seal, and turn out _Brod'rick_. And, fifthly, you know whom I mean, To humble that vexatious Dean; And, sixthly, for my soul to barter it For fifty times its worth to Carteret. Now since your motto thus you construe, I must confess you've spoken once true. _Libertas et natale solum_, You had good reason when you stole 'em.

ON THE SAME UPRIGHT CHIEF JUSTICE WHITSHED.

In church your grandsire cut his throat: To do the job too long he tarried, He should have had my hearty vote, To cut his throat before he married.

TO QUILCA.

This was a country house of Dr. Sheridan's, where Swift and some of his friends spent a summer in the year 1725, and being in very bad repair, Swift wrote the following lines on the occasion:--

Let me thy properties explain; A rotten cabin dropping rain: Chimneys with scorn rejecting smoke: Stools, tables, chairs and bedsteads broke. Here elements have lost their uses, Air ripens not, nor earth produces: In vain we make poor Shelah toil, Fire will not roast, nor water boil. Through all the valleys, hills, and plains, The _goddess Want_ in triumph reigns; And her chief officers of state; Sloth, Dirt, and Theft, around her wait.

MR. PULTENEY.

Swift says, in a letter to Mr. Pulteney: "I will do an unmannerly thing, which is to bequeath you an epitaph for forty years hence, in two words, _ultimus Britannorum_. You never forsook your party. You might often have been as great as the court can make any man so; but you preserved your spirit of liberty when your former colleagues had utterly sacrificed theirs; and if it shall ever begin to breathe in these days, it must entirely be owing to yourself and one or two friends; but it is altogether impossible for any nation to preserve its liberty long under a tenth part of the present luxury, infidelity, and a million of corruptions. We see the Gothic system of limited monarchy is extinguished in all the nations of Europe. It is utterly extirpated in this wretched kingdom, and yours must be next. Such has ever been human nature, that a single man, without any superior advantages either of body or mind, but usually the direct contrary, is able to attach twenty millions, and drag them voluntarily at his chariot wheels. But no more of this: I am as sick of the world as I am of age and disease. I live in a nation of slaves, who sell themselves for nothing."

RESOLUTIONS WHEN I COME TO BE OLD.

These resolutions seem to be of that kind which are easily formed, and the propriety of which we readily admit at the time we make them, but secretly never design to put them in practice.

1. Not to marry a young woman.

2. Not to keep young company, unless they really desire it.

3. Not to be peevish, or morose, or suspicious.

4. Not to scorn present ways, or wits, or fashions, or men, or war, &c.

5. Not to be fond of children.

6. Not to tell the same story over and over to the same people.

7. Not to be covetous.

8. Not to neglect decency or cleanliness, for fear of falling into nastiness.

9. Not to be over severe with young people, but to give allowance for their youthful follies and weaknesses.

10. Not to be influenced by, or give ear to, knavish tattling servants, or others.

11. Not to be too free of advice, nor trouble any but those who desire it.

12. To desire some good friends to inform me which of these resolutions I break or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.

13. Not to talk much, nor of myself.

14. Not to boast of my former beauty or favor with ladies, &c.

15. Not to hearken to flatteries, or believe I can be beloved by a young woman.

16. Not to be positive or opiniative.

17. Not to set up for observing all these rules, for fear I should observe none.

MISS BENNET.

This lady was a celebrated beauty in her day, and often mentioned by Swift. Dr. Arbuthnot thus speaks of her in one of his letters: "Amongst other things, I had the honor to carry an Irish lady to court that was admired beyond all the ladies in France for her beauty. She had great honors done her. The hussar himself was ordered to bring her the King's cat to kiss. Her name is Bennet."

This circumstance gave rise to the following lines by the Dean:--

For when as Nelly came to France, (Invited by her cousins) Across the _Tuileries_ each glance Kill'd Frenchmen by whole dozens.

The king, as he at dinner sat, Did beckon to his hussar, And bid him bring his tabby cat For charming Nell to buss her.

The ladies were with rage provok'd, To see her so respected; The men look'd arch as Nelly strok'd, And puss her tail erected.

But not a man did look employ, Except on pretty Nelly; Then said the Duke de Villeroi, Ah! _qu'elle est bien jolie_!

The courtiers all with one accord, Broke out in Nelly's praises: Admir'd her rose, and _lis sans farde_, Which are your terms _Francaises_.

THE FEAST OF O'ROURKE.

Swift had been heard to say more than once that he should like to pass a few days in the county of Leitrim, as he was told that the native Irish in that part were so obstinately attached to the rude manners of their ancestors, that they could neither be induced by _promises_, nor forced by _threats_, to exchange them for those of their neighbors. Swift, no doubt, wished to know what they would get by the exchange. Mr. Core was resolved that the Dean should be indulged to the fullest extent of his wish; for this purpose he had a person posted in Cavan, who was to give him immediate notice when the Dean arrived in that town, which he usually did once a year, and where he remained a day or two or longer, if the weather was not fair enough to travel. The instant Mr. Gore was informed of the Dean's arrival, he called and invited him to pass a few days at a noble mansion which he had just finished on a wing of his own estate in that county. The Dean accepted the invitation; and, as the season was fine, every thing as he advanced excited his attention; for, like other men, he was at times subject to "the skyey influence," and used to complain of the winds of March, and the gloom of November.

Mr. Gore had heard so much of Swift's peculiar manners that he was determined he should have his way in every thing; but was resolved, however, that he should be entertained in the old Irish style of hospitality, which Mr. Gore always kept up to such a degree, that his house might be called a public inn without sign. The best pipers and harpers were collected from every quarter, as well as the first singers, for music is an essential ingredient in every Irish feast. The Dean was pleased with many of the Irish airs, but was peculiarly struck with the Feast of O'Rourke, which was played by Jeremy Dignum, the Irish Timotheus, who swept the lyre with flying fingers, when he was told that in the judgment of the Dean, he carried off the _spolia opima_ from all the rest of the musical circle. The words of the air were afterwards sung by a young man with so much taste and execution, that the Dean expressed a desire to have them translated into English. Dr. Gore told him that the author, a Mr. Macgowran, lived at a little distance, and that he would be proud to furnish a literal translation of his own composition either in Latin or English, for he was well skilled in both languages. Mr. Gore accordingly sent for the bard, the Laureate of the Plains, as he called himself, who came immediately. "I am very well pleased," said the Dean, "with your composition. The words seem to be what my friend Pope calls 'an echo to the sense.'" "I am pleased and proud," answered Macgowran, "that it has afforded you any amusement: and when you, Sir," addressing himself to the Dean, "put all the strings of the Irish harp in tune, it will yield your Reverence a double pleasure, and perhaps put me out of my senses with joy." Macgowran, in a short time, presented the Dean with a literal translation, for which he rewarded him very liberally, and recommended him to the protection of Mr. Gore, who behaved with great kindness to him as long as he lived. To this incident we are indebted for the translation of a song or poem, which may be called a true picture of an Irish feast, where every one was welcome to eat what he pleased, to drink what he pleased, to say what he pleased, to sing what he pleased, to fight when he pleased, to sleep when he pleased, and to dream what he pleased; where all was native--their dress the produce of their own shuttle--their cups and tables the growth of their own woods--their whiskey _warm from the still and faithful to its fires_! The Dean, however, did not translate the whole of the poem; the remaining stanzas were translated some years since by Mr. Wilson, as follow:--

Who rais'd this alarm? Says one of the clergy, And threat'ning severely, Cease fighting, I charge ye.

A good knotted staff, The full of his hand, Instead of the _Spiradis_, Back'd his command.

So falling to thrash, Fast as he was able, A trip and a box Stretch'd him under the table.

Then rose a big friar, To settle them straight, But the back of the fire Was quickly his fate.

From whence he cried out, Do you thus treat your _pastors_! Ye that scarcely were bred To the _sewn wise masters_;

That when with the Pope I was getting my lore, Ye were roasting potatoes At the foot of _Sheemor_.

SWIFT'S BEHAVIOR AT TABLE.

Swift's manner of entertaining his guests, and his behavior at table, were curious. A frequent visitor thus described them: He placed himself at the head of the table, and opposite to a great pier glass, so that he could see whatever his servants did at the marble side-board behind his chair. He was served entirely in plate, and with great elegance. The beef being once over-roasted, he called for the cook-maid to take it down stairs and do it less. The girl very innocently replied that she could not. "Why, what sort of a creature are you," exclaimed he, "to commit a fault which cannot be mended?" Then, turning to one that sate next to him, he said very gravely, that he hoped, as the cook was a woman of genius, he should, by this manner of arguing, be able, in about a year's time, to convince her she had better send up the meat too little than too much done: at the same time he charged the men-servants, that whenever they thought the meat was ready, to take it up, spit and all, and bring it up by force, promising to assist them in case the cook resisted. Another time the Dean turning his eye towards the looking-glass, espied the butler opening a bottle of ale, and helping himself. "Ha, friend," said the Dean, "sharp is the word with you, I find: you have drunk my ale, for which I stop two shillings out of your board wages this week, for I scorn to be outdone in any thing, even in cheating."

COUNTESS OF BURLINGTON.

Swift was dining one day with the Earl of Burlington soon after his lordship's marriage, when that nobleman, expecting some diversion from Swift's oddities of behavior, purposely neglected to name him to his lady, who was entirely ignorant of the Dean's person. The Dean generally wore his gowns till they were quite rusty, which being the case, she supposed him to be some clergyman of no great consequence. After dinner, the Dean said to her, "Lady Burlington, I hear you can sing; come, sing me a song." The Lady, disgusted with this unceremonious way of asking such a favor, positively refused him. He said she could sing, or he would make her. "What, madam, I suppose you take me for one of your poor paltry English hedge-parsons; sing, when I bid you!" As the Earl did nothing but laugh at his freedom, the lady was so vexed that she burst into tears, and retired. His first compliment when he saw her a little time afterwards was, "Pray, madam, are you as proud and ill-natured now as when I saw you last?" To which she replied with the greatest good humor, "No, Mr. Dean; I will sing for you now, if you please." From this time he conceived the greatest esteem for her, and always behaved with the utmost respect. Those who knew Swift, took no offence at his bluntness of behavior. It seems Queen Caroline did not, if we may credit his words in the verses on his own death.

SWIFT'S POLITICAL PRINCIPLES.

In a letter to Pope, alluding to the days when he took part in politics, he thus expresses himself:--

"I had likewise in those days a mortal antipathy to standing armies in times of peace. Because I always took standing armies to be only servants, hired by the master of the family to keep his own children in slavery; and because I conceived that a prince who could not think himself secure without mercenary troops, must needs have a separate interest from that of his subjects.