Part 20

But the Ecclesiasticks being less guilty of valour then fear, (for oftentimes they fear even their own shadows) the more important things are, the more they consult about them; which the _Popes_ do, not because the good of the State requires it, or the care of their Pastoral charge urges their consciences thereunto; but only to take from their successors the occasion to charge the blame of mischief upon their Nephews. And this is the cause that Negotiations are prolonged, publick Ministers confounded, and poor Christendom so embroiled, as it is at this day.

Ambassadors at _Rome_, especially in the beginning of a Pontificate, think they treat with the new _Pope_ as a person disinteressed, and the Universal Father, not only in reference to things pertaining to the Church, but also to the civil Interests of Princes, and affairs most important to the Universe.

But they deceive themselves, and this Error confounds their Treaties; whilst the _Popes_ have nothing but the bare Title and outward shew of Universal Father, acting all things according to the dictates of their own will and interest.

Were the _Popes_ really Universal Fathers, they would love all alike, and deal with all without affection or hatred: But truly, I know not how they dare assume that Title, especially those _Popes_, who, without any need of the Church, have made it lawful to themselves to begin Wars, hinder Peaces, persecute Nations, and make Leagues against Crowns, Commonwealths, and Princes, perhaps (nay without perhaps) better deserving of the Church, and affected to the publick and universal tranquillity.

I know that if the _Popes_ would deserve the Title of _Universal Father_, they out to be Universal towards all; and if at any time to be particular, it should be either out of absolute necessity of Reason of State, or some great importance to the honour of the Church. Thus did the Primitive _Popes_, but within these last hundred years things are altogether transform’d; for the waies of the _Popes_ are directed to the advancement of their Families; whence every _Pope_ has often chang’d his thoughts and purposes, and made shew of one thing outwardly, and meant another inwardly; not for that reasons of State (but the reasons of their own Families) so requir’d: which latter are commonly more dear to the _Popes_ than the former. The Ministers of Princes understand what I mean.

’Tis not possible for the most expert Minister at _Rome_ to succeed well, and with his Master’s satisfaction, in the things which he negotiates there. Before I give a reason whereof, I will relate what I read three daies ago in a little book, whether Historical or Fabulous I know not, but much to the purpose.

They say, _Pope Paschal_ the second took a conceit to have an Astrologer divine his thoughts. To which end he sent for an Abbot very intelligent in the Art of Astrology, and demanded of him, _What himself thought_?

The Abbot surpris’d at this odd-proposal, desir’d time to answer, and returning home fell to study an Answer; but, not being able to find one fit and proper to the Question, he remain’d much troubled and melancholy.

His Cook observing it, and understanding the cause, bid his Master take courage, and leave the business to him; for he would effect it with reputation to them both. The Abbot was well pleas’d with this discourse, and being desir’d by the Cook to let him have his Gown and other Habit, gave him it: wherewith the Cook being cloath’d, repair’d to the _Pope’s_ presence, and that with the more confidence, for that he was in person and voyce very like the Abbot.

The _Pope_ no sooner beheld him, but taking him for the Abbot, _Well_, (said he) _What do I think_? The bold Cook answer’d without delay, _Your Holiness thinks you speak with the Abbot_, _but ’tis with the Abbots Cook_.

Not much different is that which befals Embassadours of Princes who negotiate at _Rome_; where the _Popes_ are wont to do like the _Jackpuddings_ of a Play, who change themselves in a moment from Man to Woman, and from a Physician to a Muleter.

When an Embassadour thinks he treats with a Temporal Prince, and about Civil matters, ’tis with a Spiritual Bishop, and about matters Ecclesiastical. Religion serves the _Pope_ to disguise Temporal Dominion, and Temporal Dominion to disguise Religion. Religion precedes Policy, if the Affairs of Embassadours be contrary to the Policy, which the _Popes_ have in their heads: Policy precedes Religion, if the Embassadours Strengthen and confirm the particular Policy of the Popes.

If perchance a publick Agent treats a League offensive or defensive with the _Pope_, he finds greater difficulties therein than he imagin’d; for if the _Pope_ see that the League brings much more profit to himself than to the Prince that desires it, he concludes as a Temporal Prince, without derogating from the Authority Spiritual: That is, he reserves a secret clause in his mind to break, the League when he will, under colour of Religion: But if he know that the League is likely to bring much more advantage to the interest of the Prince than to his own Family, and to Religion than to his own Purse; excuses are immediately in the field, and the _Pope_, of a Sacred High Priest, becomes a secular Prince, denying to do any thing, for fear of hazarding the State.

The Ministers of the Emperour and the King of _Poland_ can witness what I say, for one of them hath often sworn to me, That the _Popes_ do in businesses so confound the Sacred with the Profane, and Religion with Policy, that it is not possible to know whether it be better, to treat with them as Temporal Princes, or as Secular Lords.

Amongst all the difficulties which Embassadours meet with at _Rome_, this is the greatest and most deserving to be mentioned.

They that enter upon the Government at _Rome_, are ordinarily at their entrance destitute of all vertue, much more of Political skill; and no sooner begin to be a little acquainted therewith, but they must go off, and give place to others, that enter with like qualifications.

The _Burgheses_ had never manag’d any kind of publike affair: nevertheless as soon as _Paul_ was made _Pope_, they became Masters without having ever been at School, and undertook to weild a Scepter, before they had passed the Ferula.

Cardinal _Ludovisio_ had never gone out of his little _Podere_, where he entertain’d himself from morning to night amongst those Peasants, sometimes in playing at Hazard, and sometimes in dancing Country Jigs, till, his Uncle being become _Pope_, (_Gregory_) he left _Podere_ for the _Vatican_, the Dance for the Court, hazard for fortune, and the Peasants for Princes; passing in a moment from the command of a Cottage to the Empire of the Church, and from small affairs to the great interests of the World.

Of the _Barbarini_, one was fetcht from the bottom of a Cloister, where he had scarce learnt to command a Butler to lay the cloath; another was taken from the Colledge of the Jesuites, where he had practised only to run up and down the stairs of the Oratory; a third was taken from the cure of a small Benefice; and the forth from a state of Domestick peace to command Armies. A fair turn indeed, no less wonderful than unexcted: yet these Lords have had this particularity, that though they entred upon the government of the Church extremely ignorant, nevertheless in a few daies they became Masters of Masters, and seem’d old, although but boys, in the subtleties of this Court.

Of the two Nephews of _Innocent_ the tenth, the one legitimate, the other adopted, we have spoken sufficiently, and need not rub the sore again; in regard they manifested themselves altogether unexpert, the one by renouncing the Hat, as unable to bear the weight of command; and the other by being expell’d the City, for venturing to command beyond his understanding. For all this _Innocent_ introduced them to a vast Government, and laid upon their backs that world which the most expert are hardly able to sustain.

What shall we say of _Don Mario_, _Don Augustino_, and Cardinal _Flavio_? What Governments, Employments, and Charges had they ever possess’d in their lives? Was it not a fine sight to see _Don Mario_, who had never worn a Sword in his life, declared _Generalissimo_ of the Holy Church, receiving at the same time, with the General’s Truncheon, a Licence to keep the Sword alwaies in the Scabbard? For when he offered to draw it, and swore to defend the Church with it, the _Pope_ dispens’d with him; saying, _Brother_, _put thy Sword up into thy Scabbard_, _if thou wilt have part in my Kingdom_. To which Command _Don Mario_ hath been alwaies obedient.

When the Cardinal was called to the Government, he was reading the Fables of _Æsop_, and _Don Augustino_ was making love to a little Courtisan of _Siena_: and yet on a sudden the latter was called from the arms of a base Strumpet, and made worthy of the Marriage of a great Princess; and the other from his Pastime of _Æsop_, was admitted to the management of the greatest Affairs, not of _Rome_ only, but of the whole World.

Now what prosperous issue can Negotiations have with such a Race of Politicians? Where shall Embassadors begin, at the Head or the Tail? What devices shall they have to unfold their meaning to such as want sense? Unless all _Popes_ should imitate _Gregory_ the Fifteenth, who in the beginning of his _Papacy_ would not treat of any important matter with any Minister, but excused it by saying, _That he would stay till his Nephews were a little instructed in Political Negotiations_: And he had reason to stay, for in a short time one of them had an ambitious Whimsey came into his Crown, that he understood more than all the Cardinals, and his Uncle to boot; and accordingly he acted and commanded, without communicating with either.

’Tis a tedious thing to Princes Ministers, who are old Stagers in Councils and Affairs, to have to do with raw, unexperienced Persons, and such as are much different from the Primitive Governours of the Church; who, though introduc’d barefoot, and ill clad, and void of all experience, yet their native simplicity serv’d them very well for the preserving a virtuous Life, far from Political cunning: whereas the Nephews of the present _Pope_ enter simple, not to edifie the People, and adorn the Church with good Lives; but to Lord it over Princes by Policy not comprehensible.

Most Agents lose their time in learning the nature of those that bear sway at _Rome_, who are indeed unknown to all. They study in what manner to treat with such Persons. They strive to gain the affection of those Governours, who are without any, unless we will say, That they have given up all their affection to heap up Money. They labour to ingratiate with those Nephews who possess all the Grace of the _Pope_: And in a word, Night and day they contrive to know and be known to the Nephews at _Rome_, in order to their better success there.

But what? in the fairest of these Intrigues, after so many watchings and toils, after having understood those whom they understood not before, in the greatest heat of their Negotiations, in the beginning of their joy for having found out the right way of managing Affairs, and whilst they are beginning to lay open their Interests to Persons by this time arriv’d to some capacity, behold the death of the _Pope_ falling out on a sudden, drives from the _Vatican_ and from the Government those Nephews who are now understood and experienc’d, to introduce others ignorant, unexperienc’d, and so void of all Political Knowledge, as never to have seen the Court but on the outside, Consultations but in Sport, nor Publick Ministers save in their Coaches.

In this manner poor Embassadors are forced to turn over a new leaf, and like young Scholars put to a new School, they must learn over again what they had learn’d before, to their no small dissatisfaction, as well as injury to their Affairs.

These so sudden shiftings of the Scene, puts the Ministers all in disorder; and the only satisfaction they find, is to laugh at the new Princes of the Church, who have so suddenly leap’d from the Dunghil to the Throne.

Cardinal _Onofrio_ Brother to _Urban_ the Eighth, who was taken from a Cloister of _Capucines_, and introduc’d into the Affairs of the Court, could never accustom himself to live in any other manner, but in that slovenly way of the _Capucines_; so that when he was to receive any Embassadors, he committed the most ridiculous pieces of clownishness imaginable.

One day speaking about some War of the _Turk_ in _Germany_, with the Imperial Embassador, who desir’d him to prevail with the _Pope_ to succour Christendom, which was endanger’d in that Country; the good Cardinal fetching a great sigh, began to say, _Ah_, _my Lord Embassador_, _those Coleworts_, _those Coleworts in the Capucines Garden_, _make me always remember my former condition_; and so continuing a Discourse of a quarter of an hour, concerning the goodness of Coleworts, the excellence of Turneps, and the manner how the _Capucines_ boil them in good fat broth; seeming to lick his fingers almost at every syllable, and to swallow a Turnep at every word.

Another time going to visit the _Spanish_ Embassador, and forgetting himself to be a Cardinal, and not a Capucine, he ask’d on a sudden, _Of what Covent is your Reverend Fathership a Son_?

The Embassador, perceiving the simplicity of the Person, answer’d him laughing, _Father_, _I am no Son of a Covent_; _but indeed I send Sons to the Covent_, _of whom perhaps your Fathership is one_. The Cardinal finding his error, thought to mend it by replying to the Embassador, _Your Excellence may please to excuse __me_; _for the remembrance of the Capucines is so fresh my mind_, _that I take all for Capucines that speak with me_: The Embassadour laught; and rising up, said, _’Tis well_, _my Lord_, _I will be gone then_, _that I may not be accounted a Capucine by your Eminence_.

Moreover, whilst Ministers of Princes talk’d with him of matters of State, the answers he return’d were about watering of Gardens, sweeping of hutches, ordering of Vestries, rising in the morning, entring into the Choire, begging Alms, and so of all such other things, wherein he was a Master. Nor did he make any difference of persons in his Conferences, but us’d the same Style to every body, _Your Fathership will pardon me_. And in his Complements with Embassadours Royal, he would often say, _I shall accompany you to the door of the Cloister_.

I might relate a thousand such stories, but I will not lengthen the work more than I ought; although there is scarce any Nephew of _Popes_ whose mean and carriage, after their sudden advancement to the degree of Princes, affords me not matter for a long discourse.

’Tis enough that publick Ministers cannot forbear laughter and scorn in their negotiating with them which serve to inform them of their infirmities. Whence the Embassadour _Justiniani_, being ask’d one day, _whether he was goeing to negotiate with_ Astalli? Answer’d, _Not to negotiate with him_, _but to instruct him_. And indeed, such instruction is extreme necessary to the best of them.

But that which displeases them most, is, that after much pains taken to instruct them, they must lose the fruits thereof, and begin all the same course over again with their Successors.

The last difficulty in managing affairs with the Nephews, ariseth from their incomparable Avarice, which is so predominant in them, that they appear meer insensible Statues in every thing else, but in studying the means how to make themselves great.

_Boniface_ the ninth was the most dextrous, subtle, and ingenious _Pope_ for accumulating wealth, that ever sate in the _Vatican_; whence he was wont to say, _That he had rather have a little Fish in hand_, _than a great Dolphin in the main Sea_; And at other times, _That an Egg in the morning is better than a Hen at night_. And accordingly, he was contented to lose the interest of a whole year to anticipate the payment of a day, and he alwaies made his Receivers bring him every night the money they had collected; and sometimes he would sit up till midnight expecting them, in regard he could not sleep otherwise through fear of being undone.

This exorbitant Covetousness wholly withdrew his mind from the care of the Papacy, both in Civil and Ecclesiastical matters; Embassadours could not please him better, than to discourse to him of the means to get money; and when they mentioned other matters pertaining to the publick good, they receiv’d no answer sutable to the question; because his thoughts were not imploy’d about what the Embassadours spoke, but about what the Receivers of Gabels and Taxes had said to him; with whom he entertain’d long conferences, little caring to give audience to Embassadours.

Clement the seventh, who never shew’d himself so extraordinarily covetous, though covetous too, had his mind distracted in the like manner, from what was at any time spoken to him, if it were not about money: Whence being one day requested by the Imperial Embassadour to joyn with the Emperour, and other Princes, in a League against the Turk; the Embassadour perceiving that the _Pope_ gave him no answer, said, _Your Holiness saies nothing to my Proposal_; Whereunto the _Pope_ return’d, _No_, _for you counsel us to spend money_, _and we are thinking on the means to get it_.

_Paul_ the fourth, standing one day in a great musing in the presence of Cardinal _Campeggio_, was ask’d by him, _Why he stood so pensive_? The _Pope_ answer’d, _I am thinking whether you_ (_who perhaps may be my Successour_) _are likely to be richer than my self_.

_Sixtus Quintus_, who was one of the greatest _Popes_ that the _Vatican_ ever saw, had no other fault, but that he spent most hours of the day in devising what might be done to bring money into his Chests. And he seems to have died with the same thoughts in his head; for being ask’d by the _Venetian_ Embassadour, two daies before his death, _How he did_? He answered, _I should be much better_, _if I had more money to spend_.

_Urban_ the eighth, in the war he had with the Duke of _Parma_, and other confederate Princes, lost no little reputation, in attempting the destruction of a Prince so well deserving of the Church, and hazarding the safety of all _Italy_; yet he car’d not so much for the dishonour which the Church receiv’d in his person, nor for the great murmur of the people, as for the money disburs’d in it; lamenting the same often with his Nephews, and reproving them for _having engaged him in a War of so great expence_: as if the loss of money made deeper impression in the _Pope’s_ heart, than the detriment of the Church and of Christendom.

Most of the _Pope’s_ Nephews call the hours wherein they give Audience to Embassadours, _hours of poverty_, _and of misery_; because they cannot at those times think how to advance their Houses: and therefore they strive to shift them off as much as possible, and many times they promise all before ’tis ask’d, only to be at their liberty.

Some will not allow it to be meerly charity in _Alexander_, to assume to himself the load of all Civil Affairs of importance; but only a design to lighten his Nephews of it, and leave them more time to bestow on contrivance to fill their Coffers.

Better perhaps ’twould be for the Church, and the State too, if all _Popes_ would do the like; for to lay the weight of great affairs upon such weak shoulders, is to confound their understandings, and put them in danger of shaming themselves by discovering their addle brains in business: As a good Nephew did in discourse with the French Embassadour about the number of Protestants in _France_; for meaning to say, _How many Hereticks are there in_ France? He mistook, and said, _How many Pistols are there in_ France? Which errour the Embassadour well observing, and knowing the Cardinal Nephew more intent on the money of his Coffers than the benefit of the Church, he answer’d, _The King my Master hath not so many Hereticks in his Kingdom_, _as he hath Pistols in his Exchequer_.

’Tis not 2000 Ages, since a certain _Pope’s_ Nephew said to a familiar friend of his, who brought him notice, that the Spanish Embassadour was coming to negotiate with him: _These Embassadours bring us business_, _and not money_, _talking all day long with us so __tediously_, _as if we were slaves_, _and not_ (Padroni) _Masters of the Church and State_.

The same Cardinal, as often as he return’d to his Chamber from accompanying the publick Ministers (who had visited him) to the door, as the custom is, would fall into a passion, and scornfully say to his Servants: _I have lost two hours time with this pitiful Embassadour_, _and he has gain’d some with me_; _if any other come_, _say I am not at home_.

But worse was that other, (not long since dead) who, as much as he could, avoyded the audience of such Ministers, sometimes pretending indisposition, and sometimes that he was not at home; which the _Pope_ his Uncle understanding ask’d him the reason, _Why he did so_? The Cardinal answer’d plainly, _Whilst I am with Embassadours_, _my Coffers fill with nothing but wind_; _but when I am alone_, _they fill with money_.

The same good Nephew had another custome, that when notice was given of the arrival of an Embassadour at the Gate, he would in displeasure cry, _I would his neck were broke_. But when ’twas told him that an Officer of the Datary (that is, the Exchequer) was at the door, he would cry with joy, _He is welcome_.

A certain Embassadour, knowing this Nephew’s humour, contriv’d how to make his Visits not grievous; and to that purpose, before he desired Audience, or at least at the same time, he thought fit to give him notice; that he desir’d to speak with him for nothing else but the resignation of a certain Benefice, which the Prince his Master intended to make into the hands of his Holiness’s Nephews.

The device took well, for the greedy Nephew believing it true, receiv’d him with a very good countenance: and the Embassadour fail’d not to usher in his publick business with a Preface about resigning the foresaid Benefice or Abbey, although the Prince his Master knew no more of any such thing than I; and so got a fair reception.

’Twere good, that all publick Agents would put the same tricks upon those avaricious Nephews, and not be so scrupulous as they are; since the Nephews make no scruple to slight their addresses, to breake off all Negotiations, and to confound whatsoever is offer’d to them.

Without such inventions they are like to get little good from the visits to the Nephews, who consider nothing but their own Interests, and are indifferent to those of Princes; whence ’tis easie to judge they will do little good in those matters, in which they are engag’d with an ill will.

This may serve concerning the difficulties which Princes Ministers meet with in their affairs with the _Popes_ and their Nephews, and how to avoid the same. Let us now proceed to the Enquiry, _Why the Families of_ Popes _continue not long in Grandeur_.

Some compare the _Nipotismo_ to a Tree which is guarded by all, whilst laden with fruit; but as soon as it happens to be deprived thereof, either by the hands of men, or progress of time, every body forsakes it, and nature her self leaves it barren, dry, and hateful, even to the eye of the beholders.

I do not altogether like this comparison, because Trees bear fruit for others; whereas the good Nephews of _Popes_ take all to themselves: and I should rather compare them to Pismires, which all day long go from place to place, seeking provisions wherewith to fill their Nests, and stop not a moment till they see them full.