Part 25

Doubtless the prescriptions of Mrs. Moloney lacked precision on the quantitative side. A cure of rheumatism was threepence-worth of "Hickery Pickery in a naggin o' the best sperrits." To be well shaken and taken by the teaspoonful, alternative mornings, on a fasting stomach. "Sixpence worth o' Gum Go Wackem," also made up in the "best sperrits," was a remedy supposed to acquire special potency from a prodigious amount of shaking. "Show me how ye'll shake it," the medicine-woman would say, and when the patient made a great show of half-a-minute's shaking, she--it was oftenest she--would be surprised to hear that _that_ was no shaking, and an exhibition of what was good and sufficient shaking would be made by Mrs. Moloney. In the case of her sovran remedy for sore eyes, to be used very sparingly--a pennorth o' Red Perspitherate,[3] in a tablespoonful of fresh butter--the quantity for an application was always indicated in special and dramatic fashion. She asked, "And how much will ye be puttin' in your eye, now?--jist show me." The patient, desiring to avoid a mean or niggardly use of the remedy, would probably indicate on the finger a lump as large as an eye of liberal measurements could be supposed to accommodate. Then the good woman would lean back and sigh. A pin would be withdrawn from some part of her clothing, and held between the thumb and finger so that only the head appeared.

"Do ye see that pin-head?"

The afflicted nods in acquiescence.

"Do ye see that pin-head? Now take a good look at it."

Again the sore-eyed indicates accurate observation.

"Well, not a pick more nor that, if ye want to keep your eyesight."

Other quantitative directions were given in "fulls"--"the full o' yer fist," "the full o' an egg-cup," even "the full o' yer mooth." Or, by sizes of objects, as, "the size o' a pay," "the size o' a marble." Or by coin areas, "what'll lie on a sixpence," or on a shilling, or on a penny. Or by money values, as in the Hickery Pickery prescription. Fists, peas, marbles vary considerably in size, and in the case of money-values a change of chemist might mean a considerable variation in quantity; but, with the possible exception of "Lodelum," prescribed in drops, the quantities of the good woman's remedies bore variation to a considerable extent without serious difference in result. That "the best sperrits" were so frequently the medium for "exhibition" of her remedies may account for the great popularity with adults which these remedies enjoyed. These were the days when hospitality was not hospitality without "sperrits" free from medicinal addition, and, late in the afternoon, Mrs. Moloney was accustomed to accept graciously "the full o' an egg-cup," qualified by the addition of sugar and hot water. Once, while sipping her punch, she asked that a little should be given to me as a treat, and when the pungent spirit, in the unaccustomed throat, produced a cough, she promptly diagnosed "a wake chist."

FOOTNOTES:

[1] Erysipelas.

[2] Tic douloureux.

[3] Red Precipitate--red oxide of mercury.

The Meet of the Beagles.

_From "Patsy."_

BY H. DE VERE STACPOOLE.

Directly Patsy had left the news that the "quality" were coming to the meet and returned to the house the crowd in front of the Castle Knock Inn thickened.

Word of the impending event went from cabin to cabin, and Mr. Mahony, the chimney sweep, put his head out of his door.

"What's the news, Rafferty?" cried Mr. Mahony.

"Mimber of Parlymint and all the quality comin' to the meet!" cried a ragged-looking ruffian who was running by.

"Sure, it'll be a big day for Shan Finucane," said Mrs. Mahony, who was standing behind her husband in the doorway with a baby in her arms.

Mr. Mahony said nothing for a while, but watched the crowd in front of the inn.

"Look at him," said Mr. Mahony, breaking out at last--"look at him in his ould green coat! Look at him with the ould whip undher his arm, and the boots on his feet not paid for, and him struttin' about as if he was the Marqus of Waterford! Holy Mary! did yiz ever see such an objick! Mr. Mullins!"

"Halloo!" replied Mr. Mullins, the cobbler across the way, who, with his window open owing to the mildness of the weather, was whaling away at a shoe-sole, the only busy man in the village.

"Did y' hear the news?"

"What news?"

"Shan's going to get a new coat."

"Faith, thin, I hope he'll pay first for his ould shoes."

"How much does he owe you?"

"Siven and six--bad cess to him!"

"He'll pay you to-night, if he doesn't drink the money first, for there's a Mimber of Parlymint goin' to the meet, and he'll most like put a suverin in the poor box."

Mr. Mullins made no reply, but went on whaling away at his shoe, and Bob Mahony, having stepped into his cottage for a light for his pipe, came back and took up his post again at the door.

The crowd round the inn was growing bigger and bigger. Sneer as he might, Mr. Mahony could not but perceive that Shan was having the centre of the stage, a worshipping audience, and free drinks.

Suddenly he turned to his offspring, who were crowding behind him, and singling out Billy, the eldest:

"Put the dunkey to," said Mr. Mahony.

"Sure, daddy," cried the boy in astonishment, "it's only the tarriers."

"Put the dunkey to!" thundered his father, "or it's the end of me belt I'll be brightenin' your intellects with."

"There's two big bags of sut in the cart and the brushes," said Billy, as he made off to do as he was bidden.

"Lave them in," said Mr. Mahony; "it's only the tarriers."

In a few minutes the donkey, whose harness was primitive and composed mainly of rope, was put to, and the vehicle was at the door.

"Bob!" cried his wife as he took his seat.

"What is it?" asked Mr Mahony, taking the reins.

"Won't you be afther givin' your face the lick of a tow'l?"

"It's only the tarriers," replied Mr. Mahony; "sure, I'm clane enough for them. Come up wid you, Norah."

Norah, the small donkey, whose ears had been cocking this way and that, picked up her feet, and the vehicle, which was not much bigger than a costermonger's barrow, started.

At this moment, also, Shan and the dogs and the crowd were getting into motion, making down the road for Glen Druid gates.

"Hulloo! hulloo! hulloo!" cried Mr. Mahony, as he rattled up behind in the cart, "where are yiz off to?"

"The meet of the baygles," replied twenty voices; whilst Shan, who had heard his enemy's voice, stalked on, surrounded by his dogs, his old, battered hunting horn in one hand, and his whip under his arm.

"And where are they going to meet?" asked Mr. Mahony.

"Glen Druid gate," replied the camp followers. "There's a Mimber of Parlymint comin', and all the quality from the Big House."

"Faith," said Mr. Mahony, "I thought there was somethin' up, for, by the look of Shan, as he passed me house this mornin', I thought he'd swallowed the Lord Liftinant, Crown jew'ls and all. Hulloo! hulloo! hulloo! make way for me carridge! Who are you crowdin'? Don't you know the Earl of Leinsther when y' see him? Out of the way, or I'll call me futman to disparse yiz."

Shan heard it all, but marched on. He could have killed Bob Mahony, who was turning his triumph into a farce, out he contented himself with letting fly with his whip amongst the dogs, and blowing a note on his horn.

"What's that nize?" enquired Mr. Mahony, with a wink at the delighted crowd tramping beside the donkey cart.

"Shan's blowin' his harn," yelled the rabble.

"Faith, I thought it was Widdy Finnegan's rooster he was carryin in the tail pockit of his coat," said the humourist.

The crowd roared at this conceit, which was much more pungent and pointed as delivered in words by Mr. Mahony; but Shan, to all appearances, was deaf.

The road opposite the park gates was broad and shadowed by huge elm trees, which gave the spot in summer the darkness and coolness of a cave. Here Shan halted, the crowd halted, and the donkey-cart drew up.

Mr. Mahony tapped the dottle out of his pipe carefully on the rail of his cart, filled the pipe, replaced the dottle on the top of the tobacco, and drew a whiff.

The clock of Glen Druid House struck ten, and the notes came floating over park and trees; not that anyone heard them, for the yelping of the dogs and the noise of the crowd filled the quiet country road with the hubbub of a fair.

"What's that you were axing me?" cried Mr. Mahony to a supposed interrogator in the crowd. "Is the Prince o' Wales comin'? No, he ain't. I had a tellygrum from him this mornin' sendin' his excuzes. Will some gintleman poke that rat-terrier out that's got under the wheels of me carridge--out, you baste!" He leaned over and hit a rabbit-beagle that had strayed under the donkey-cart a tip with his stick. The dog, though not hurt, for Bob Mahony was much too good a sportsman to hurt an animal, gave a yelp.

Shan turned at the sound, and his rage exploded.

"Who are yiz hittin'? cried Shan.

"I'm larnin' your dogs manners," replied Bob.

The huntsman surveyed the sweep, the cart, the soot bags, and the donkey.

"I beg your pardin'," said he, touchin his hat, "I didn't see you at first for the sut."

Mr. Mahony took his short pipe from his mouth, put it back upside down, shoved his old hat further back on his head, rested his elbows on his knees, and contemplated Shan.

"But it's glad I am," went on Shan, "you've come to the meet and brought a mimber of the family with you."

Fate was against Bob Mahony, for at that moment Norah, scenting another of her species in a field near by, curled her lip, stiffened her legs, projected her head, rolled her eyes, and "let a bray out of her" that almost drowned the howls of laughter from the exulting mob.

But Shan Finucane did not stir a muscle of his face, and Bob Mahony's fixed sneer did not flicker or waver.

"Don't mention it, mum," said Shan, taking off his old cap when the last awful, rasping, despairing note of the bray had died down into silence.

Another howl from the onlookers, which left Mr. Mahony unmoved.

"They get on well together," said he, addressing an imaginary acquaintance in the crowd.

"Whist and hould your nize, and let's hear what else they have to say to wan another."

Suddenly, and before Shan Finucane could open his lips, a boy who had been looking over the rails into the park, yelled:

"Here's the Mimber of Parlyment--here they come--Hurroo!"

"Now, then," said the huntsman, dropping repartee and seizing the sweep's donkey by the bridle, "sweep yourselves off, and don't be disgracin' the hunt wid your sut bags and your dirty faces--away wid yiz!"

"The hunt!" yelled Mahony, with a burst of terrible laughter. "Listen to him and his ould rat-tarriers callin' thim a hunt! Lave go of the dunkey!"

"Away wid yiz!"

"Lave go of the dunkey, or I'll batter the head of you in wid me stick! Lave go of the dunkey!"

Suddenly seizing the long flue brush beside him, and disengaging it from the bundle of sticks with which it was bound, he let fly with the bristle end of it at Shan, and Shan, catching his heel on a stone, went over flat on his back in the road.

In a second he was up, whip in hand; in a second Mr. Mahony was down, a bag half-filled with soot--a terrible weapon of assault--in his fist.

"Harns! harns!" yelled Mahony, mad with the spirit of battle, and unconsciously chanting the fighting cry of long-forgotten ancestors. "Who says cruckeder than a ram's harn!"

"Go it, Shan!" yelled the onlookers. "Give it him, Bob--sut him in the face--Butt-end the whip, y'idgit--Hurroo! Hurroo! Holy Mary! he nearly landed him then--Mind the dogs--"

Armed with the soot-bag swung like a club, and the old hunting-whip butt-ended, the two combatants formed the centre of a circle of yelling admirers.

"Look!" said Miss Lestrange, as the party from the house came in view of the road. "Look at the crowd and the two men!"

"They're fighting!" cried the general. "I believe the ruffians dared to have the impudence to start fighting!"

At this moment came the noise of wheels from behind, and the "tub," which had obtained permission to go to the meet, drew up, with Patsy driving the children.

"Let the children remain here," said the General. "You stay with them, Violet. Come along, Boxall, till we see what these ruffians mean."

So filled was his mind with the objects in view that he quite forgot Dicky Fanshawe.

"You have put on the short skirt," said Dicky, who at that moment would scarcely have turned his head twice or given a second thought had the battle of Austerlitz been in full blast beyond the park palings.

"And my thick boots," said Violet, pushing forward a delightful little boot to speak for itself.

The children were so engaged watching the proceedings on the road that they had no eyes or ears for their elders.

"Have you ever been beagling before?" asked Dicky.

"Never; but I've been paper-chasing."

"You can get through a hedge?"

"Rather!"

"That'll do," said Dicky.

"Mr. Fanshawe," cried Lord Gawdor from the "tub," "look at the chaps in the road--aren't they going for each other!"

"I see," said Mr. Fanshawe, whose back was to the road--"Violet--"

"Yes."

"No one's looking--"

"That doesn't matter--No--not here--Dicky, if you don't behave, I'll get into the tub--Gracious! what's that?"

"He's down!" cried Patsy, who had been standing up to see better.

"Who?" asked Mr. Fanshawe.

"The Mimber of Parlyment--Misther Boxall--Bob Mahony's grassed him--"

"They're all fighting!" cried Violet. "Come, Mr. Fanshawe--Patsy--" She started for the gates at a run.

When the General had arrived on the scene, Shan had just got in and landed his antagonist a drum-sounding blow on the ribs with the butt of his whip.

"Seize the other chap, Boxall!" cried General Grampound, making for Mahony.

He was just half a second too late; the soot bag, swung like a club, missed Shan, and, catching Mr. Boxall fair and square on the side of the face, sent him spinning like a tee-totum across the road, and head over heels into the ditch.

That was all.

A dead silence took the yelling crowd.

"He's kilt!" came a voice.

"He isn't; sure, his legs is wavin'."

"Who is he?"

"He's the Mimber of Parlyment! Run for your life, and don't lave off runnin' till you're out of the country."

"Hold your tongue!" cried General Grampound. "Boxall--hullo! Boxall! are you hurt?"

"I'm all right," replied Mr. Boxall, who, from being legs upwards, was now on hands and knees in the ditch. "I've lost something--dash it!"

"What have you lost?"

"Watch."

"Come out and I'll get some of these chaps to look."

Mr. Boxall came out of the ditch with his handkerchief held to the left side of his forehead.

"Why, your watch and chain are on you!" cried the General.

"So they are," said Mr. Boxall, pulling the watch out with his left hand, and putting it back. "I'm off to the house--I want to wash."

"Sure, you're not hurt?"

"Not in the least, only my forehead scratched."

"What's up?" cried Dicky Fanshawe, who had just arrived.

"Nothing," replied his uncle. "Fellow hit him by mistake--no bones broken. Will you take the governess cart back to the house, Boxall?"

"No, thanks--I'll walk."

"His legs is all right," murmured the sympathetic crowd, as the injured one departed still with his handkerchief to his face, "and his arums. Sure, it's the mercy and all his neck wasn't bruck."

"Did yiz see the skelp Bob landed him?"

"Musha! Sure, I thought it would have sent his head flying into Athy, like a gulf ball."

Patsy, who had pulled the governess cart up, rose to his feet; his sharp eye had caught sight of something lying on the road.

"Hould the reins a moment, Mr. Robert," said he, putting them into Lord Gawdor's hands. He hopped out of the cart, picked up the object in the road, whatever it was, put it in his trousers' pocket, and then stood holding the pony's head; whilst the Meet, from which Bob Mahony had departed as swiftly as his donkey could trot, turned its attention to the business of the day, and Shan, collecting his dogs, declared his intention of drawing the Furzes.

"Was that a marble you picked up, Patsy?" asked Lord Gawdor, as the red-headed one, hearing Shan's declaration, climbed into the "tub" again and took the reins.

Patsy grinned.

* * * * *

Meanwhile Mr. Fanshawe had been writing three important letters in the library. When he had finished and carefully sealed them, he placed them one on top of the other, and looked at his watch.

The three letters he had just written would make everything all right at the other end. This was the hot end of the poker, and it had to be grasped.

Patsy was the person who would help him to grasp it. Patsy he felt to be a tower of strength and 'cuteness, if such a simile is permissible. And, rising from the writing-table and putting the letters in his pocket, he went to find Patsy. He had not far to go, for as he came into the big hall Patsy was crossing it with a tray in hand.

"Patsy," said Mr. Fanshawe, "when does the post go out?"

"If you stick your letters in the letter box by the hall door, sir," said Patsy, "it will be cleared in half-an-hour. Jim Murphy takes the letter-bag to Castle Knock."

"Right!" said Mr. Fanshawe. "And, see here, Patsy!"

"Yes, sir?"

"I'm in a bit of a fix, Patsy, and you may be able to help."

"And what's the fix, sir?" asked Patsy.

"You know the young lady you gave the note to this morning--by the way, how did you give it?"

"I tried to shove it undher her door, sir."

"Yes?"

"It wouldn't go, so I give a knock. 'Who's there?' says she. 'No one,' says I; 'it's only hot wather I'm bringin' you,' for, you see, sir, the ould missis, her ladyship, was in the next room, and she's not as deaf as she looks, and it's afraid I was, every minnit, her door'd open, and she and her ear-trumpet come out in the passidge. 'I have hot wather,' says she. 'Niver mind,' says I, 'this is betther. Open the door, for the love of God, for I can't get it under the door, unless I rowl it up and shove it through the keyhole.' Wid that she opens the door a crack and shoves her head out. 'Who's it from?' she says. 'I don't know,' says I; 'it's just a letther I found on the stairs I thought might belong to you.' 'Thanks,' says she, 'it does,' and wid that she shut the door, and I left her."

"Well, see here, Patsy!"

"Yes, sir?"

"I'm going to marry Miss Lestrange."

"Faith, and I guessed that," said Patsy; "and it's I that'd be joyful to dance at your weddin', sir."

"There won't be any dancing in the business," said Mr. Fanshawe, grimly. "You know Mr. Boxall, Patsy?"

"The Mimber of Parlymint?"

"Yes. Well, he wants to marry Miss Lestrange; and the worst of it is, Patsy, that my uncle, General Grampound, wants him to marry her, too."

"Yes, sir," said Patsy. "And, Mr. Fanshawe?"

"Yes."

"I forgot to tell you, sir, you needn't be afear'd of Mr. Boxall for the next few days."

"How's that?"

"When Bob Mahony hit him the skelp on the head wid the sut bag, his eye popped out of his head on the road."

"His what?--Oh, I remember--"

"Finders is keepers, sir," said Patsy, with a grin.

"Why, good heavens--you don't mean to say--"

"I've got his eye in my pocket, sir," said Patsy, in a hoarse whisper. "He's sint a telygram for another wan but till it comes he's tethered to his bed like a horse to a--"

"That's enough--that's enough," said Mr. Fanshawe. "Here's half a crown for you, Patsy, for--carrying my cartridges."

The Ballygullion Creamery Society, Limited.

_From "Ballygullion."_

BY LYNN DOYLE.

'Twas the man from the Department of Agriculture comin' down to give a lecture on poultry an' dairy-farmin', that set the ball a-rollin'.

The whole farmers av the counthry gathered in to hear him, an' for days afther it was over, there was no talk at all barrin' about hens an' crame, an' iverybody had a schame av their own to propose.

Ould Miss Armitage ap at the Hall was on for encouragin' poultry-farmin'; an' give a prize for the best layin' hen in Ballygullion, that riz more scunners in the counthry than the twelfth av July itself. There was a powerful stir about it, an' near iverybody enthered.

Deaf Pether of the Bog's wife was an easy winner if her hen hadn't died, an' nothin' would satisfy her but it was poisoned; though divil a all killed it but the gorges of Indian male the ould woman kept puttin' intil it.

Ivery time the hen laid she give it an extra dose of male, "to encourage the crather," as she said; an' wan day it laid a double-yolked wan, she put a charge intil it that stretched it out stiff in half-an-hour.

Afther that there was no doubt but Larry Thomas's wife would win the prize; for, before the end av the month Miss Armitage had allowed for the test, her hen was above a dozen ahead av iverybody else's.

Howiver, when it came to the countin' there was a duck-egg or two here an' there among the lot that nayther Mrs. Thomas nor the hen could well account for, so the both of thim was disqualified.

An' whin it came to the bit, an' Mrs. Archy Doran won the prize, she counted up an' made out that between corn an' male, she had paid away double the value of it, so she wasn't very well plazed; an' thim that had spent near as much on feedin'-stuff, an' had got no prize, was worse plazed still.

The only one that came out av it well was Miss Armitage herself; for she kept all the eggs, an' made above twice the prize-money out av thim. But there was nobody else as well plazed about that as she was.

So all round the hen business was a failure; an' it looked as if there was nothin' goin' to come of the lecture at all.

However, iverybody thought it would be a terrible pity if Ballygullion should be behind the other places; an' at last there was a move made to start a cramery, an' a committee was got up to set things goin'.

At first the most av us thought they got the crame in the ould-fashioned way, just be skimmin'; but presently it begin to be talked that it was all done be machinery. Some av us was very dubious about that; for sorrow a bit could we see how it was to be done Thomas McGorrian maintained it would be done wi' blades like the knives av a turnip-cutter, that it would just shave the top off the milk, an' sweep it intil a pan; but then he couldn't well explain how they'd avoid shavin' the top off the milk-dish, too.

Big Billy Lenahan swore it was done with a worm like a still; but, although we all knowed Billy was well up on potheen, there was few had iver seen him havin' much to do wi' milk; so nobody listened to him.

At last the Committee detarmined they'd have a dimonsthration; and they trysted the Department man to bring down his machine an' show how it was done; for all iv thim was agin spendin' money on a machine till they were satisfied it would do its work.

The dimonsthration was to be held in Long Tammas McGorrian's barn, an' on the night set above forty av us was there. We all sat round in a half-ring, on chairs an' stools, an' any other conthrivance we could get, for all the world like the Christy Minstrels that comes to the Market House av a Christmas.

The dimonsthrator had rigged up a belt to Tammas's threshin'-machine, an' run it from that to the separator, as he called it.

The separator itself was a terrible disappointin' conthrivance at the first look, an' no size av a thing at all for the money they said it cost. But whin the dimonsthrator begin to tell us what it would do, an' how by just pourin' the milk intil a metal ball an' bizzin' it round, ye could make the crame come out av one hole, an' the milk out av another, we began to think more av it.

Nobody liked to spake out wi' the man there, but there was a power av whisperin'.

"It's a mighty quare conthrivance," sez wan.

"Did ye iver see the like av it?" sez another.

"Boy-a-boys," sez James Dougherty, "the works av man is wonderful. If my ould grandmother could see this, it would break her heart. 'Twas herself was the handy dairy-woman, too; but what'd she be till a machine?"