Part 14

"Wud that, one word borrowed another, an' Shawn stood up an' gev her the father av a batin'.

"The third Christmas Day kem, an' they wor in the best o' good humour afther the tay, an' Shawn, puttin' on his ridin'-coat to go to Mass.

"'Well, Shawn,' siz Nancy, I'm thinkin' av what an unhappy Christmas mornin' we had this day twelve months, all on account of the thrish you caught in the crib, bad cess to her.'

"''Twas a blackbird,' siz Shawn.

"'Wisha, good luck to you, an' don't be talkin' foolish,' siz Nancy; 'an' you're betther not get into a passion agin, on account av an ould thrish. My heavy curse on the same thrish,' siz Nancy.

"'I tell you 'twas a blackbird,' siz Shawn.

"'An' I tell you 'twas a thrish,' siz Nancy.

"'Wud that, Shawn took a _bunnaun_ he had _saisonin'_ in the chimley, and whaled at Nancy, an' gev her the father av a batin'. An' every Christmas morning from that day to this 'twas the same story, for as sure as the sun, Nancy'd draw down the thrish. But do you tell me, Sally, she's afther givin' in it was a blackbird?"

"She is," replied Sally.

"Begob," said Tim Croak, after a minute's serious reflection, "it ought to be put in the papers. I never h'ard afore av a wrong notion bein' got out av a woman's head. But Shawn Gow is no joke to dale wud, and it took him seven years to do id."

FOOTNOTE:

[1] A forked stick

Their Last Race.

_From "At the Rising of the Moon."_

BY FRANK MATHEW (1865--).

I.--THE FACTION FIGHT.

In the heart of the Connemara Highlands, Carrala Valley hides in a triangle of mountains. Carrala Village lies in the corner of it towards Loch Ina, and Aughavanna in the corner nearest Kylemore. Aughavanna is a wreck now: if you were to look for it you would see only a cluster of walls grown over by ferns and nettles; but in those remote times, before the Great Famine, when no English was spoken in the Valley, there was no place more renowned for wild fun and fighting; and when its men were to be at a fair, every able-bodied man in the countryside took his kippeen--his cudgel--from its place in the chimney, and went out to do battle with a good heart.

Long Mat Murnane was the king of Aughavanna. There was no grander sight than Mat smashing his way through a forest of kippeens, with his enemies staggering back to the right and left of him; there was no sweeter sound than his voice, clear as a bell, full of triumph and gladness, shouting, "Hurroo! whoop! Aughavanna for ever!" Where his kippeen flickered in the air his followers charged after, and the enemy rushed to meet him, for it was an honour to take a broken head from him.

But Carrala Fair was the black day for him. That day Carrala swarmed with men--fishers from the near coast, dwellers in lonely huts by the black lakes, or in tiny, ragged villages under the shadow of the mountains, or in cabins on the hill-sides--every little town for miles, by river or sea-shore or mountain built, was emptied. The fame of the Aughavanna men was their ruin, for they were known to fight so well that every one was dying to fight them. The Joyces sided against them; Black Michael Joyce had a farm in the third corner of the valley, just where the road through the bog from Aughavanna (the road with the cross by it) meets the high-road to Leenane, so his kin mustered in force. Now Black Michael, "Meehul Dhu," was long Mat's rival; though smaller, he was near as deadly in fight, and in dancing no man could touch him, for it was said he could jump a yard into the air and kick himself behind with his heels in doing it.

The business of the Fair had been hurried so as to leave the more time for pleasure, and by five of the afternoon every man was mad for the battle. Why, you could scarcely have moved in Callanan's Field out beyond the churchyard at the end of the village, it was so packed with men--more than five hundred were there, and you could not have heard yourself speak, for they were jumping and dancing, tossing their caubeens, and shouting themselves hoarse and deaf--"Hurroo for Carrala!" "Whoop for Aughavanna!"

Around them a mob of women, old men and children, looked on breathlessly. It was dull weather, and the mists had crept half way down the dark mountain walls, as if to have a nearer look at the fight.

As the chapel clock struck five, Long Mat Murnane gave the signal. Down the village he came, rejoicing in his strength, out between the two last houses, past the churchyard and into Callanan's Field; he looked every inch a king; his kippeen was ready, his frieze coat was off, with his left hand he trailed it behind him holding it by the sleeve, while with a great voice he shouted--in Irish--"Where's the Carrala man that dare touch my coat? Where's the cowardly scoundrel that dare look crooked at it?"

In a moment Black Michael Joyce was trailing his own coat behind him, and rushed forward, with a mighty cry "Where's the face of a trembling Aughavanna man?" In a moment their kippeens clashed; in another, hundreds of kippeens crashed together, and the grandest fight ever fought in Connemara raged over Callanan's Field. After the first roar of defiance the men had to keep their breath for the hitting, so the shout of triumph and the groan as one fell were the only sounds that broke the music of the kippeens clashing and clicking on one another, or striking home with a thud.

Never was Long Mat nobler; he rushed ravaging through the enemy, shattering their ranks and their heads; no man could withstand him; Red Callanan of Carrala went down before him; he knocked the five senses out of Dan O'Shaughran, of Earrennamore, that herded many pigs by the sedgy banks of the Owen Erriff; he hollowed the left eye out of Larry Mulcahy, that lived on the Devil's Mother Mountain--never again did Larry set the two eyes of him on his high mountain-cradle; he killed Black Michael Joyce by a beautiful swooping blow on the side of the head--who would have dreamt that Black Michael had so thin a skull.

For near an hour Mat triumphed, then suddenly he went down under foot. At first he was missed only by those nearest him, and they took it for granted that he was up again and fighting. But when the Aughavanna men found themselves outnumbered and driven back to the village, a great fear came on them, for they knew that all Ireland could not outnumber them if Mat was to the fore. Then disaster and rout took them, and they were forced backwards up the street, struggling desperately, till hardly a man of them could stand.

And when the victors were shouting themselves dumb, and drinking themselves blind, the beaten men looked for their leader. Long Mat was prone, his forehead was smashed, his face had been trampled into the mud--he had done with fighting. His death was untimely, yet he fell as he would have chosen--in a friendly battle. For when a man falls under the hand of an enemy (as of any one who differs from him in creed or politics) revenge and black blood live after him; but he who takes his death from the kindly hand of a friend leaves behind him no ill-will, but only gentle regret for the mishap.

II. THEIR LAST RACE.

When the dead had been duly waked for two days and nights, the burying day came. All the morning long Mat Murnane's coffin lay on four chairs by his cabin, with a kneeling ring of dishevelled women keening round it. Every soul in Aughavanna and their kith and kin had gathered to do him honour. And when the Angelus bell rang across the valley from the chapel, the mourners fell into ranks, the coffin was lifted on the rough hearse, and the motley funeral--a line of carts with a mob of peasants behind, a few riding, but most of them on foot--moved slowly towards Carrala. The women were crying bitterly, keening like an Atlantic gale; the men looked as sober as if they had never heard of a wake, and spoke sadly of the dead man, and of what a pity it was that he could not see his funeral.

The Joyces, too, had waited, as was the custom, for the Angelus bell, and now Black Michael's funeral was moving slowly towards Carrala along the other side of the bog. Before long either party could hear the keening of the other, for you know the roads grow nearer as they converge on Carrala. Before long either party began to fear that the other would be there first.

There is no knowing how it happened, but the funerals began to go quicker, keeping abreast; then still quicker, till the women had to break into a trot to keep up; then still quicker, till the donkeys were galloping, and till everyone raced at full speed, and the rival parties broke into a wild shout of "Aughavanna abu!" "Meehul Dhu for ever!"

For the dead men were racing--feet foremost--to the grave; they were rivals even in death. Never did the world see such a race, never was there such whooping and shouting. Where the roads met in Callanan's Field the horses were abreast; neck and neck they dashed across the trampled fighting-place, while the coffins jogged and jolted as if the two dead men were struggling to get out and lead the rush; neck to neck they reached the churchyard, and the horses jammed in the gate. Behind them the carts crashed into one another, and the mourners shouted as if they were mad.

But the quick wit of the Aughavanna men triumphed, for they seized their long coffin and dragged it in, and Long Mat Murnane won his last race. The shout they gave then deafened the echo up in the mountains, so that it has never been the same since. The victors wrung one another's hands; they hugged one another.

"Himself would be proud," they cried, "if he hadn't been dead!"

The First Lord Liftinant.

BY WILLIAM PERCY FRENCH (1854--).

(AS RELATED BY ANDREW GERAGHTY, PHILOMATH.)

"Essex," said Queen Elizabeth, as the two of them sat at breakwhist in the back parlour of Buckingham Palace, "Essex, me haro, I've got a job that I think would suit you. Do you know where Ireland is?"

"I'm no great fist at jografy," says his lordship, "but I know the place you mane. Population, three millions; exports, emigrants."

"Well," says the Queen, "I've been reading the Dublin Evening Mail and the Telegraft for some time back, and sorra one o' me can get at the trooth o' how things is goin', for the leadin' articles is as conthradictory as if they wor husband and wife."

"That's the way wid papers all the world over," says Essex; "Columbus told me it was the same in Amerikay, when he was there, abusin' and conthradictin' each other at every turn--it's the way they make their livin'. Thrubble you for an egg-spoon."

"It's addled they have me betune them," says the Queen. "Not a know I know what's goin' on. So now, what I want you to do is to run over to Ireland, like a good fella, and bring me word how matters stand."

"Is it me?" says Essex, leppin' up off his chair. "It's not in airnest ye are, ould lady. Sure it's the hoight of the London saison. Every one's in town, and Shake's new fairy piece, 'The Midsummer's Night Mare,' billed for next week."

"You'll go when ye're tould," says the Queen, fixin' him with her eye, "if you know which side yer bread's buttered on. See here, now," says she, seein' him chokin' wid vexation and a slice o' corned beef, "you ought to be as pleased as Punch about it, for you'll be at the top o' the walk over there as vice-regent representin' me."

"I ought to have a title or two," says Essex, pluckin' up a bit. "His Gloriosity the Great Panjandhrum, or the like o' that."

"How would His Excellency the Lord Liftinant of Ireland sthrike you?" says Elizabeth.

"First class," cries Essex. "Couldn't be betther; it doesn't mean much, but it's allitherative, and will look well below the number on me hall door."

Well, boys, it didn't take him long to pack his clothes and start away for the Island o' Saints. It took him a good while to get there, though, through not knowin' the road; but by means of a pocket compass and a tip to the steward, he was landed at last contagious to Dalkey Island. Going up to an ould man who was sittin' on a rock, he took off his hat, and, says he--

"That's great weather we're havin'?"

"Good enough for the times that's in it," says the ould man, cockin' one eye at him.

"Any divarshun' goin on?" says Essex.

"You're a sthranger in these parts, I'm thinkin'," says the ould man, "or you'd know this was a 'band night' in Dalkey."

"I wasn't aware of it," says Essex; "the fact is," says he, "I only landed from England just this minute."

"Ay," says the ould man, bitterly, "it's little they know about us over there. I'll hould you," says he, with a slight thrimble in his voice, "that the Queen herself doesn't know there is to be fireworks in the Sorrento Gardens this night." Well, when Essex heard that, he disrembered entirely he was sent over to Ireland to put down rows and ructions, and away wid him to see the fun and flirt wid all the pretty girls he could find. And he found plenty of them--thick as bees they wor, and each one as beautiful as the day and the morra. He wrote two letters home next day--one to Queen Elizabeth and the other to Lord Mountaigle, a playboy like himself. I'll read you the one to the Queen first:--

"Dame Sthreet, April 16th, 1599.

"Fair Enchantress,--I wish I was back in London, baskin' in your sweet smiles and listenin' to your melodious voice once more. I got the consignment of men and the post-office order all right. I was out all the mornin' lookin' for the inimy, but sorra a taste of Hugh O'Neill or his men can I find. A policeman at the corner o' Nassau Street told me they wor hidin' in Wicklow. So I am makin' up a party to explore the Dargle on Easter Monda'. The girls here are as ugly as sin, and every minute o' the day I do be wishin' it was your good-lookin' self I was gazin' at instead o' these ignorant scarecrows.

"Hopin' soon to be back in ould England, I remain, your lovin' subject

Essex."

"P.S.--I hear Hugh O'Neill was seen on the top o' the Donnybrook tram yesterday mornin'. If I have any luck the head'll be off him before you get this.

E."

The other letter read this way:--

"Dear Monty--This is a great place, all out. Come over here if you want fun. Divil such play-boys ever I seen, and the girls--oh! don't be talkin'--'pon me secret honour you'll see more loveliness at a tay and a supper ball in Rathmines than there is in the whole of England. Tell Ned Spenser to send me a love-song to sing to a young girl who seems to be taken wid my appearance. Her name's Mary, and she lives in Dunlary, so he oughtn't to find it hard. I hear Hugh O'Neill's a terror, and hits a powerful welt, especially when you're not lookin'. If he tries any of his games on wid me, I'll give him in charge. No brawlin' for your's truly

Essex."

Well, me bould Essex stopped for odds of six months in Dublin, purtendin' to be very busy subjugatin' the country, but all the time only losin' his time and money widout doin' a hand's turn, and doin' his best to avoid a ruction with "Fighting Hugh." If a messenger came to tell him that O'Neill was camping out on the North Bull, Essex would up stick and away for Sandycove, where, after draggin' the forty-foot hole, he'd write off to Elizabeth, saying that, "owing to their suparior knowledge of the country the dastard foe had once more eluded him."

The Queen got mighty tired of these letters, especially as they always ended with a request to send stamps by return, and told Essex to finish up his business and not be makin' a fool of himself.

"Oh, that's the talk, is it," says Essex; "very well, me ould sauce-box" (that was the name he had for her ever since she gev him the clip on the ear for turnin' his back on her), "very well me ould sauce-box," says he, "I'll write off to O'Neill this very minute, and tell him to send in his lowest terms for peace at ruling prices."

Well, the threaty was a bit of a one-sided one--the terms being--

1. Hugh O'Neill to be King of Great Britain.

2. Lord Essex to return to London and remain there as Viceroy of England.

3. The O'Neill family to be supported by Government, with free passes to all theatres and places of entertainment.

4. The London Markets to buy only from Irish dealers.

5. All taxes to be sent in stamped envelopes, directed to H. O'Neill, and marked "private." Cheques crossed and made payable to H. O'Neill. Terms cash.

Well, if Essex had had the sense to read through this treaty he'd have seen it was of too graspin' a nature to pass with any sort of a respectable sovereign, but he was that mad he just stuck the document in the pocket of his pot-metal overcoat, and away wid him hot foot for England.

"Is the Queen widin?" says he to the butler, when he opened the door o' the palace. His clothes were that dirty and disorthered wid travellin' all night, and his boots that muddy, that the butler was not for littin' him in at the first go off, so says he, very grand; "Her Majesty is above stairs and can't be seen till she's had her breakwhist."

"Tell her the Lord Liftinant of Ireland desires an interview," says Essex.

"Oh, beg pardon, me lord," says the butler, steppin' to one side, "I didn't know 'twas yourself was in it; come inside, sir; the Queen's in the dhrawin'-room."

Well, Essex leps up the stairs and into the dhrawin'-room wid him, muddy boots and all; but not a sight of Elizabeth was to be seen.

"Where's your misses?" says he to one of the maids-of-honour that was dustin' the chimbley-piece.

"She's not out of her bed yet," said the maid, with a toss of her head; "but if you write your message on the slate beyant, I'll see"--but before she had finished, Essex was up the second flight and knockin' at the Queen's bedroom door.

"Is that the hot wather?" says the Queen.

"No, it's me,--Essex. Can you see me?"

"Faith, I can't," says the Queen. "Hould on till I draw the bed-curtains. Come in now," says she, "and say your say, for I can't have you stoppin' long--you young Lutharian."

"Bedad, yer Majesty," says Essex, droppin' on his knees before her (the delutherer he was), "small blame to me if I am a Lutharian, for you have a face on you that would charm a bird off a bush."

"Hould your tongue, you young reprobate," says the Queen, blushin' up to her curl-papers wid delight, "and tell me what improvements you med in Ireland."

"Faith, I taught manners to O'Neill," cries Essex.

"He had a bad masther then," says Elizabeth, lookin' at his dirty boots; "couldn't you wipe yer feet before ye desthroyed me carpets, young man?"

"Oh, now," says Essex, "is it wastin' me time shufflin' about on a mat you'd have me, when I might be gazin' on the loveliest faymale the world ever saw."

"Well," says the Queen, "I'll forgive you this time, as you've been so long away, but remimber in future that Kidderminster ain't oilcloth. Tell me," says she, "is Westland Row Station finished yet?"

"There's a side wall or two wanted yet, I believe," says Essex.

"What about the Loop Line?" says she.

"Oh, they're gettin' on with that," says he, "only some people think the girders a disfigurement to the city."

"Is there any talk about that esplanade from Sandycove to Dunlary?"

"There's talk about it, but that's all," says Essex; "'twould be an odious fine improvement to house property, and I hope they'll see to it soon."

"Sorra much you seem to have done, beyant spendin' me men and me money. Let's have a look at that treaty I see stickin' out o' your pocket."

Well, when the Queen read the terms of Hugh O'Neill she just gev him one look, an' jumpin' from off the bed, she put her head out of the window, and called out to the policeman on duty--

"Is the Head below?"

"I'll tell him you want him, ma'am," says the policeman.

"Do," says the Queen. "Hello," says she, as a slip of paper dhropped out o' the dispatches. "What's this? 'Lines to Mary.' Ho! ho! me gay fella, that's what you've been up to, is it?"

"Mrs. Brady Is a widow lady, And she has a charmin' daughter I adore; I went to court her Across the water, And her mother keeps a little candy-store. She's such a darlin', She's like a starlin', And in love with her I'm gettin' more and more, Her name is Mary, She's from Dunlary; And her mother keeps a little candy-store."

"That settles it," says the Queen. "It's the gaoler you'll serenade next."

When Essex heard that, he thrimbled so much that the button of his cuirass shook off and rowled under the dhressin'-table.

"Arrest that man," says the Queen, when the Head-Constable came to the door; "arrest that thrayter," says she, "and never let me set eyes on him again."

And, indeed, she never did, and soon after that he met with his death from the skelp of an axe he got when he was standin' on Tower Hill.

The Boat's Share.

_From "Further Experiences of an Irish R.M."_

BY E. OE. SOMERVILLE AND MARTIN ROSS.

The affair on the strand at Hare Island ripened, with complexity of summonses and cross-summonses, into an imposing Petty Sessions case. Two separate deputations presented themselves at Shreelane, equipped with black eyes and other conventional injuries, one of them armed with a creelful of live lobsters to underline the argument. To decline the bribe was of no avail: the deputation decanted them upon the floor of the hall and retired, and the lobsters spread themselves at large over the house, and to this hour remain the nightmare of the nursery.

The next Petty Sessions day was wet; the tall windows of the Court House were grey and streaming, and the reek of wet humanity ascended to the ceiling. As I took my seat on the bench I perceived with an inward groan that the services of the two most eloquent solicitors in Skebawn had been engaged. This meant that Justice would not have run its course till heaven knew that dim hour of the afternoon, and that that course would be devious and difficult.

All the pews and galleries (any Irish court-house might, with the addition of a harmonium, pass presentably as a dissenting chapel) were full, and a line of flat-capped policemen stood like church-wardens near the door. Under the galleries, behind what might have answered to choir-stalls, the witnesses and their friends hid in darkness, which could, however, but partially conceal two resplendent young ladies, barmaids, who were to appear in a subsequent Sunday drinking case. I was a little late, and when I arrived Flurry Knox, supported by a couple of other magistrates, was in the chair, imperturbable of countenance as was his wont, his fair and delusive youthfulness of aspect unimpaired by his varied experiences during the war, his roving, subtle eye untamed by four years of matrimony.

A woman was being examined, a square and ugly country-woman, with wispy fair hair, a slow, dignified manner, and a slight and impressive stammer. I recognised her as one of the bodyguard of the lobsters. Mr. Mooney, solicitor for the Brickleys, widely known, and respected as "Roaring Jack," was in possession of that much-enduring organ, the ear of the Court.

"Now, Kate Keohane!" he thundered, "tell me what time it was when all this was going on?"

"About duskish, sir. Con Brickley was slashing the f-fish at me mother the same time. He never said a word but to take the shtick and fire me dead with it on the sthrand. He gave me plenty of blood to dhrink, too," said the witness, with acid decorum. She paused to permit this agreeable fact to sink in, and added, "his wife wanted to f-fashten on me the same time, an' she havin' the steer of the boat to sthrike me."

These were not precisely the facts that Mr. Murphy, as solicitor for the defence, wished to elicit.

"Would you kindly explain what you mean by the steer of the boat?" he demanded, sparring for wind in as intimidating a manner as possible. The witness stared at him.