Part 6

Sirrah, you are base [12.] To spit in my face, That he vow'd, he wou'd him kill; Sir, I pray forbear, I thought no hurt here, Nay, I'le tread it out, if you will.

_A contest at the_ Hoop-Tavern _between two Lawyers_.

Two _Lawyers_ had of late a _Tavern_ Jarr [25.] And as 'twas made, 'twas try'd at _Bacchus_ Bar; The _Jury_ Pints and Quarts, and Pottles were, Each of a quick and understanding Eare, Brought in their verdict, which no sooner pass'd But that the Lawyers they themselves did cast. Sir _Burdeux_ Claret, White, Signiour Canary, Sir _Reynold Rhenish_, with a tertiorary, Whipt up my Youths (& they ye know were able) This into th' Chimny, that beneath the Table. Where They lay both, instead of a demur, So foxt, that neither, in the case, could stir, They might have else a _Writ of Error_ got, But, O the Error of the Pottle Pot! Both over-thrown, and on their backs now laid, Let the Sute fall, and their own charges paid. And thus, though _Westminster_ makes _Clients_ stoop, The _Lawyer's_ Case was alter'd at the _Hoop_.

[4.] A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from _Oxford_, drinking with two or three Gentlemen, at the _Mitre Tavern_ in the _Poultrey_, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be forming of Sylogismes &c. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: now: says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he; Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why, then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. _Very well_, says the Gentleman, _I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out_.

_Of inclosing a Common._

A Lord, that purpos'd for his more availe, [6.] To compass in a Common with a rayle, Was reckoning with his friend about the Cost, And charge of every rayle, and every post: But he, (that wisht his greedy humour crost) Said, Sir, provide you Posts, and without fayling, Your neighbours round about will find you rayling.

Some said, Sir, you keep [12.] Such a gaping in your sleep, He told 'em then they did lye all; For a looking glass he'd buy, At his bed's-feet to lye, On purpose to make a tryal.

[4.] A Scholar of _Oxford_ having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, _O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors_. The Cobler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through; but a little recovering himself, said, _Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces, I'll have a Groat for them_.

The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, _you must crucifie the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester_. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that _Fenester_? _It is_, replies the Scholar, _the Diaphonous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination_, which so amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.

_A Caution for Scolds_

or

A True Way of Taming a Shrew.

To the tune of _Why are my eyes still flowing_.

This may be printed R.P.

A Noble Man he Marry'd with a cruel Scold, [30.] Who in her humours would ne'r be controul'd, So that he was almost a weary of his Life, By the cross humours of his froward Wife: Although he shewed himself exceeding kind, Yet she was still of a turbulent mind; Husband and Servants her Fury must feel, For in their Ears she would ring them a Peal.

When any Friend approach'd the presence of her Lord, By this vile Shrew they were strangely abhor'd; With cruel Frowns and Railings she would them salute Tho' they were Persons of worthy Repute; All was a case for she woud have her Will, And the whole House with Confusion she'd fill; So that for fear of the heat of her Fray They have been forc'd to run packing away.

It was his chance to make a worthy noble feast, Inviting full forty Couple at least, Both Lords and Earls, with vertuous Ladies of high fame, Who in true Friendship accordingly came: All sorts of dainties he then did prepare, No cost nor charge in the least he did spare; But ere they could to their Banqueting fall, Sirs, you shall hear how she welcom'd them all.

When she beheld the Costly Dishes of Rich Meat, This Shrew had not the Stomach to Eat, But did cry out, I shall be Ruined at this rate, This is enough to consume an Estate: Before she any more words did reply She made both Bottles and Dishes to flye; Both Friends and Husband she there did abuse, Asking him how he dare be so profuse?

Like Thunder loud, her voice she straight began to raise, Which made the Guests to stand all in a maze, Who never saw the like in all their lives before, Dishes of Meat they lay strow'd on the floor; Thus in disorder they all went their way, Each one was glad they were out of the fray; Then said her Husband did ever Man know, Any poor Mortal so plagu'd with a Shrow.

Now the next day he to a skilful Doctor went, Promising that he would give him content, If he could cure the cause of a Distracted Wife Which almost made him a weary of his Life; Yes, quoth the Doctor, i'le do it ne'r fear, Bring her, for now 'tis the Spring of the Year; I'le take the Lunacy out of her Brains, Or else I wont have a Groat for my pains.

Then home he went and sent her thither out of hand, Now when the Shrow, she did well understand All their intent, she cal'd the Doctor sneaking knave; Now when he see she began for to Rave, Straightways the Doctor did bind her in Bed, Leting her Blood, likewise shaving her Head; Sirrah, said she, I would have you to know, That you shall suffer for serving me so.

Madam, said he, I know you are beside your Wits, But I will soon bring you out of those Fits; I'le cut your Tongue, and when a Gallon you have bled, 'Twill cure that violent Noise in your Head; Pray Sir, said she, don't afflict me so sore, I'le ne'r offend my sweet Husband no more; Thus by sharp Usage and keeping her low, He had the fortune to Conquer the Shrow.

After some time, he came to see his Wife at last, When she begg'd pardon for all that was past; Saying, her Fits for evermore she would refrain, If he'd be pleas'd to receive her again; My former Follies I pray now forgive, Ile ne'r offend you no more while I live: Then in much love they both homeward did go Thus has he made a sweet Wife of a Shrow.

FINIS.

[18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, _Gentlemen_, says he to 'em, _you open Shop very early to day_.

Mr _Hill_ he did say [12.] H _non est litera_, But a note of aspiration still; Now I think on't better, If it be not a letter, With him it will go very ill.

_On_ Galla _going to the Bath_.

When _Galla_ for her health goes to the Bath, [14.] She carefully doth hide, as is most meet, With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet, Those parts that modesty concealed hath; Nor only those, but even the breast and neck, That might be seen or shown without all check; But yet one foul and unbeseeming place. She leaves uncovered still; what's that? her face.

[8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead; one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, _Well, I see now, that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other world, yet he may carry other mens_.

A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, [5.] Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state, The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted, Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate: Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees; Truth quoth the other, each man tosts his cheese.

'Fore a Justice was brought [12.] One for a great fault; Y'are an errant Dog, Rogue, says he; Sir, I am no Dog, Nor so errant a Rogue. As your Worship ---- takes me to be.

[17.] A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many Gentlemen, and it happened a Knight came thither; and being a great House-wife, early in the Morning she called to her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were served; which the Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at dinner, Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, _I know not whether you have had your breakfast yea or no_.

My love and I for kisses play'd [5.] She would keep stakes, I was content, And when I wonne, she would be payd; This made me aske her what she meant, Sayth she, since you are in this wrangling vaine, Take you your kisses, and give me mine againe.

_On a farmer knighted._

In my conceit Sir _John_, you were to blame, [5.] To make a quiet good wife, a mad dame.

[26.] Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together, one was asking what News there was? T'other told him, There was forty thousand Men rose to day, which made them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, and what did they intend? Why faith, says he, only to go to bed at Night again.

_Of Milo the Glutton._

_Milo_ with haste to cram his greedy gut, [6.] One of his thumbs into the bone had cut. Then straight, it noysed was about by some, That he had lost his stomacke with his thumbe. To which one said. No worse hap fall unto him, But, if a poore man finde it, 'twill undo him.

[18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate; the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. _And I beg_, said the Gentleman presently, _a thousand Pounds._

A Pleasant new Ballad you here may behold, How the Devill, though subtle, was guld by a Scold.

To the Tune of _The Seminary Priest_.

Give eare my loving Country-men [31.] that still desire newes, Nor passe not while you heare it sung, or else the song peruse: For ere you heare it, I must tell my newes, it is not common, But Ile unfold a trueth betwixt a Devill and a woman.

_Tom Thumb_ is not my subiect, whom Fairies oft did aide, Nor that mad spirit _Robin_ that plagues both wife and maid Nor is my song satyricke like, invented against no man, But onely of a pranke betwixt a Devill and a woman.

* * * * *

A woman well in yeares liv'd with a husband kinde Who had a great desire to live content in minde, But twas a thing impossible to compasse his desire For night and day with scolding she did her husband tire.

With roughish, lowtish clowne, despight thee Ile be wilde, Doest thou think I marryed thee to use thee like a childe, And set thee on my lap, or humour what you speake? Before Ile be so fond, thy very heart Ile breake.

Why, loving wife, quoth he, Ile never doe thee wrong, So thoul't be rul'd by me, and onely hold thy tongue. And when I come from worke, wilt please at board and bed; Doe this my loving wife and take all being dead.

Marke well, quoth she, my words what ere you speak me to, By faire meanes or by foule, the contrary Ile doe. According to her speech, this man led such a life, That oft he wish't the Devill to come and fetch his wife.

Had he bid her goe homely, why then she would goe brave, Had he cal'd her good wife, she cal'd him rogue and slave; Bade he, wife goe to Church, and take the fairest pew, Shee'd goe unto an Alehouse, and drinke, lye downe and spew.

The Devill being merry with laughing at this mirth, Would needs from hell come trotting, to fetch her from the earth; And coming like a horse, did tell this man his minde, Saying, Set her but astride my backe, Ile hurry her through the winde.

Kinde Devill quoth the man, if thou a while will wait, Ile bid her doe that thing shall make her backe thee straight And here Ile make a vow for all she is my wife, Ile never send for her againe whilest I have breath or life.

Content, the Devill cry'd, then to his wife goes he Good wife, goe lead that horse so black and fair you see. Goe leade, sir Knave, quoth she and wherefore not goe ride? She took the Devill by the reines, and up she goes astride.

The Devill neighed lowd, and threw his heeles i' th' ayre, Kick, in the Devill's name, quoth she, a shrew doth never fear. Away to hell he went, with this most wicked scold, But she did curbe him with the bit, and would not loose her hold.

The more he cry'd, Give way, the more she kept him in, And kickt him so with both her heeles, that both his sides were thin. Alight, the Devill cry'd, and quick the bridle loose, No I will ride (quoth she) whiles thou hast breath or shooes.

Again she kickt and prickt, and sate so stiffe and well, The Devill was not so plagu'd a hundred years in hell. For pitty light (quoth he) thou put'st me to much paine, I will not light, (quoth she) till I come home againe.

The Devill shewed her all the paines within that place, And told her that they were ordain'd for Scolds so base. Being bereft of breath, for scolding tis my due, But whilest I live on earth Ile be reveng'd on you.

Then did she draw her knife, and gave his eare a slit, The Devill never felt the like from mortall yet. So fearing further danger, he to his heeles did take, And faster than he came, he poast hast home did make.

Here take her (quoth the Devill) to keep her here be bold, For hell would not be troubled with such an earthly scold. When I come home, I may to all my fellowes tell, I lost my labour and my bloud to bring a scold to hell.

The man halfe dead did stand, away the Devill hyde, Then since the world, nor hell, can well a Scold abide: To make a saile of ships let husbands fall to worke, And give their free consents to send them to the Turke.

Then honest wives and maides, and widdowes of each sort, Might live in peace and rest, and Silence keep her court, Nor would I have a scold, one penny here bestow, But honest men and wives buy these before you goe.

FINIS.

Printed at London for Henry Gosson[F. 60] dwelling upon London Bridge. neare to the Gate.

[Footnote 60: Henry Gosson published between 1607 and 1641.]

He went to the wood and caught it, [32.] He sate him down and sought it, Because he could not find it, Home with him he brought it.

_Solution._

That is a thorn; for a man went to the wood and caught a thorn in his foot, and then he sate him down, and sought to have pull'd it out, and because he could not find it out he must needs bring it home.

[26.] A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom, that had an only Child, which was a Daughter and worth £20,000. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth though of no great Fortune; yet had so far insinuated himself into the young Lady's Favour, that she promis'd him Marriage, if he could get her Father's Consent. Immediately he comes for _London_, and goes to her Father, and told him, That he would give him £10 for a Fee if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him: which was, That there was a rich young Heiress in town, which had promised him marriage if it could any way be made good by Law: Why, says he, let her hire a Horse, and invite you to take her away, and let her get up before, and you behind that it may not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you, and let her go to the Minister, and tell him, 'tis her desire to be married to you, and to get a Licence accordingly; and when you are married, then be sure to bed her, and I'll warrant you she's your own. And this, says the Gentleman, you'll avouch for Law? He told him, Yes. Well Sir, says he, if you will set your Hand to it, I'll give you Ten Pounds more; which he did. Immediately he goes into the Country, and shews the young Lady what was done, and how 'twas done; and she accordingly performed her promise, and suddenly married and bedded; and having so continued a week they both came to _London_, and came to her Father, and fell down upon their knees to him, and craved his Blessing; which made him at first fly into harsh Language; but the Gentleman said, We have done nothing but what you avoucht for Law, and have it under your hand. The Lawyer fearing his Reputation might be brought in question, and seeing him to be a handsome and well bred Gentleman, and of a good family, clape both their hands together, and bid God bless them; and then gave them a subsistence for the present, and made over all to them after his death.

Three had a contest [12.] Which grain was the best; The first said Wheat had the Quorum The second stood for Rye But the third did reply _Hordea est farra forum_.[F. 61]

[Footnote 61: Far afore 'em.]

_On one in debt._

_Don Pedro's_ out of debt; be bold to say it; [14.] For they are said to owe that mean to pay it.

[4.] A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, received a small scratch with a Sword in a Tavern Fray; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear: for sport's sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister: _Why Sir_, quoth the Gentleman, _is the wound so dangerous?_ _O Yes_, replyed the Arch Chyrurgeon, _for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self, before he comes._

Scylla _toothlesse_.

_Scylla_ is toothlesse; yet when she was young, [24.] She had both tooth enough, and too much tongue: What should I now of toothlesse _Scylla_ say? But that her tongue hath worne her teeth away.

The extravagances of male attire in Charles the First's time justly called down the wrath of the Satirists, particularly of the Puritan School. The Cavaliers, however, were only effeminate in their dress, their gallant conduct in the Civil war proving them to be men of mettle. The subjoined is so faithful in its representation of the then height of fashion as to be almost removed from caricature, still the letterpress evidently intends it to be a satire as bitter as could be made by the Roundhead who penned it, who naturally believed in "the Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes."

The

=Picture of an English Antick,=

with a List of his ridiculous Habits and apish Gestures.

_Maids, where are your hearts become? look you what here is!_

1. His hat in fashion like a close-stoolepan. [33.]

2. Set on the top of his noddle like a coxcombe.

3. Banded with a calves tail, and a bunch of riband.

4. A feather in his hat, hanging down like a Fox taile.

5. Long haire, with ribands tied in it.

6. His face spotted.

7. His beard on the upper lip, compassing his mouth.

8. His chin thrust out, singing as he goes.

9. His band lapping over before.

10. Great band strings, with a ring tied.

11. A long wasted dubblet unbuttoned half way.

12. Little skirts.

13. His sleeves unbuttoned.

14. In one hand a stick, playing with it, in the other his cloke hanging.

15. His breeches unhooked ready to drop off.

16. His shirt hanging out.

17. His codpeece open tied at the top with a great bunch of riband.

18. His belt about his hips.

19. His sword swapping betweene his legs like a Monkeys taile.

20. Many dozen points at knees.

21. Above the points of either side two bunches of riband of severall colours.

22. Boot hose tops, tied about the middle of the Calfe, as long as a paire of shirt sleeves, double at the ends like a ruffe band.

23. The Tops of his boots very large turned down as low as his spurs.

24. A great paire of spurres, gingling like a Morrice dancer.

25. The feet of his boots 2 inches too long.

26. Two horns at each end of his foot, stradling as he goes.

Nov. 18, 1646.

One desir'd, being dead, [12.] To have Hysop round his head, But Time is better I think; For you'l find it a crime, If not buryed in time, For certain your Corps will stink.

[32.] What work is that the faster ye work, longer is it ere ye have done, and the slower ye work the sooner ye make an end?

_Solution._ That is turning of a Spit; for if ye turn fast, it will be long ere the meat be roasted, but if ye turn slowly, the sooner it is roasted.

_A new married Bride._

The first of all our sex, came from the side of man, [5.] I thither am return'd from whence I came.

_Of finding a hare._

A Gallant full of life, and void of care. [6.] Asked his friend if he would find a hare? He that for sleepe, more than such sports did care, Said, Goe your waies, and leave me heere alone; Let them find hares that lost them, I lost none.

The next illustration is from a single sheet broadside entitled "Englands Wolfe with eagles clawes, or the cruell Impieties of Bloud-Thirsty Royalists, and blasphemous _Anti-Parliamentarians_, under the command of that inhumane Prince _Rupert_, _Digby_, and the rest. Wherein the barbarous Crueltie of our Civill uncivill Warres is briefly discovered. London: Printed by _Matthew Simmons_ dwelling in _Aldersgate_ Streete. 1646."

This broadside scarcely comes within the scope of this work, dealing as it does with the alleged cruelties committed by the Cavaliers; but the engraving clearly is a political satire, not only on the Cavaliers themselves, but on their extravagances in dress.

[18.] If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners? this is the Reason one gives for it: _Because 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them._

[8.] There was a Painter became a Physician, whereupon one said to him, You have done well, for before the faults of your work were seen, but now they are unseen.

A Lawyer said in jest [12.] A Taylor is the best Client in all the Land: And his reason is good, If well understood, 'Cause he has so many Suits in hand.

_In Richardum quendam, Divitem, Avarum._

Devising on a time what name I might [24.] Best give unto a dry illiberall chuffe, After long search on his owne name I light, Nay then (said I) No more, I have enough; His name and nature do full well agree, For's name is _Rich_ and _hard_; and so is he.

The Dumb MAID,[F. 62]

or, the

Young Gallant Trappan'd.

_A young Man did unto her a Wooing come, But she pretended much that she was dumb; But when they both in Marriage bands were ty'd, The Doctor's skill was likewise with her try'd; The Doctor he set her Tongue on the Run, She Chatters now and never will have done._

To a New Tune, call'd, _Dum, dum, dum_; Or, I would I were in my own Country &c.

Licens'd and Enter'd according to Order.