Part 4

[4.] A Wine Cooper in _Mark Lane_ taking a Gentleman down into his Cellar to Treat him, he, finding no Seat there for him to sit on, asked him the reason of it; _Why_, says the Wine Cooper, _I will have no Man here Drink longer than he can stand._

_To Doctor_ Sheerhood _how Sack makes one leane_. [16.] I marveld much last day what you did meane, To say that drinking Sack will make one leane; But now I see, I then mistooke you cleane, For my good neighbour _Marcus_, who I tro, Feares fatness much, this drinke hath plyde him so, That now except he leane he cannot goe. Ha, gentle Doctor, now I see your meaning, Sack will not leave one leane, 'twill leave him leaning.

_Tom's_ Ears being lost, [12.] For fear of the frost The haire very long he wears; Then ask him why he will Not cut it; he still Says he dares not for his ears.

[8.] A debaucht Seaman being brought before a Justice of Peace upon the account of swearing, was by the Justice commanded to deposit his Fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings, he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a half crown, asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing, the Justice told him six pence, quoth he then, A Pox take you all for a company of Knaves and fools, and there's half a crown for you; I will never stand changing of mony.

The Long Nos'd Lass

is evidently traceable to Miss Tannakin Skinker, who was born in 1618; but it is astonishing how widely spread is the belief in "Pig faced Ladies." No doubt but there has been some foundation in fact for it, for I am credibly informed that not long since,[F. 31] a child, whose face bore a singular likeness to a pig, was born in the City of London Lying-in Hospital in the City Road--and not only survived its birth, but is in all probability still living. In 1815 a pig-faced lady, elegantly dressed, used to drive about London in her carriage; but whether people were being hoaxed by one wearing a mask is not known. George Morland painted a portrait of the "Wonderful Miss Atkinson Born in Ireland, has £20,000 fortune and is fed out of a Silver Trough," and Fairburn published an engraving of her. Miss Steevens, who founded Steeven's Hospital at Dublin, is also credited with being pig-faced; whilst pig-faced ladies used commonly to be shown at fairs. But these were fictitious, as a quarrel in a caravan at Plymouth, some years since, brought to light, when it was shown that her ladyship was a bear whose face and neck had been carefully shaved, whilst its head was adorned with a wig with ringlets and a cap with artificial flowers. The bear was securely fastened in a chair, and draped to imitate a fashionably-dressed lady.

It is, however, with the contemporary monstrosity that we have chiefly to deal, and a very rare tract in the Bodleian Library[F. 32] gives "A certaine Relation of the Hog faced Gentlewoman called Mistris _Tannakin Skinker_, who was borne at _Wirkham_ a Neuter Towne betweene the Emperour and the Hollander, scituate on the river Rhyne. Who was bewitched in her mothers wombe in the yeare 1618, and hath lived ever since unknowne in this kind to any, but her Parents and a few other neighbours. And can never recover her true shape tell she be married &c. _Also relating the cause, as it is since conceived, how her mother came so bewitched._ _London._ Printed by _J. O._ and are to be sold by _F. Grove_,[F. 33] at his shop on _Snow-hil_ neare _St Sepulchers Church_." 1640.

This veracious history gives an account of various remarkable births. "But I come now to humane Births, beginning with those forraigne, and ending with the domesticke; about the beginning of the Marsick Warre, one _Alcippe_, a woman of especiall note, at the time of her childing, was delivered of an Elephant; and another (whose name is not left unto us) of a Serpent. In _Thessaly_, one was brought to bed of an infant which had the shape of an Hypocentaure, and expired the same day that it received breath," etc.

After thus paving the way for his own particular marvel, the writer goes on: "I fall now immediatly upon the party before propounded. In a place in _Holland_ called _Wirkham_, being a neuter Towne; as lying between _Holland_ and those parts belonging to the Empire, on the River _Rhine_, lived one _Ioachim Skinker_, whose wife's name was _Parnel_, a man of good revenue, but of a great estate in money and cattle; these two having very loving lived together without any issue to succeed them in their goods and inheritance: it being no small griefe unto them, that either strangers, or some of their owne ungrateful kindred should after death enjoy those meanes, for which they had so laboriously travail'd: When they were in their greatest despaire, it hapned thus, she found herselfe conceived with childe, which was a greater joy and comfort to her and her husband: But whether they were unthankful for such an unexpected blessing, or what other thing was the cause, I am not able to determine; but it so hapned, that in the yeere 1618, she was safely delivered of a Daughter, all the limbes and lineaments of her body well featured and proportioned, only her face, which is the ornament and beauty of all the rest, had the Nose of a Hog, or Swine: which was not only a stain and blemish, but a deformed uglinesse, making all the rest lothsome, contemptible and odious to all that lookt upon her in her infancie.

"If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a Childe, how much greater may wee conjecture their sorrowes were, to be the parents of such a monster: but considering with themselves what Heavens would have, they had not power to hinder, and studying (as farre as in them lay) to conceale their shame, they so farre mediated with the Midwife and the other women that were present at the delivery, that they should keepe it as close and secret as it was possible to doe: and they called the name of it _Tannikin_, which is as much in English as _Anne_ or _Hannah_. . . . . . . . . . . .

"This prodigious birth though it was knowne to some few, yet it was not made popular & spoken of by all, which the Father and Mother for their owne reputations and credits were very carefull to maintaine; so that it was never seene by any (being an infant bare-fac'd) but vail'd and covered, and so brought up in a private Chamber, both fed and taught by the Parents onely; and her deformity scarce knowne to any of the Servants: and as the daughter grew in stature, so the Father also increased with wealth, so that he was accounted to be one of the richest men in all that Country. . . . . . . . .

"It is credibly reported, that this Burgess wife having conceived, an old woman suspected for a Witch came to begge of her an Almes, but she being at that (time) busied about some necessary affaires gave her a short and neglectfull answer; at which she went away muttering to herselfe the Divell's _Pater noster_, and was heard to say; _As the Mother is Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child shee goeth withall_: which is a great probability that the infants deformity came by the malitious Spells and divelish murmurations of this wicked woman; who, after, for the like, or worse practises both upon men women and children whom she had bewitched unto death, being brought within compasse of the Law; and after to suffer at the stake; amongst many other things confessed as much as I have before related; yet either out of her perverse obstinacy would not, or else (the Devill forsaking her in extreamity, as he doth all his other servants) in her deficiency of power, could not uncharme her: yet by this means that which was before kept so private, was now publickly discovered to the World; insomuch that much confluence of people came to see the progedy, which wearied the Father, and cast a blush upon the cheekes of the good woman the mother: some desirous to heare her speake, whose language was onely the Dutch Hoggish Houghs, and the Piggs French Owee, Owee, for other words she was not able to utter; which bred in some, pitty, in others laughter, according to their severall dispositions.

"Others were importunate to see her feede, then milke and the like was brought unto her in a Silver Trough; to which she stooped and eate just as a Swine doth in his swilling Tub; which the more mirth it bred in the Spectators, increased in the Parents the more Melancholy."

From this part the tract gets more and more romantic. An astrologer was consulted, and he advised her being married, when her cure _might_ be effected. So the parents gave out that she would have a dowry of £40,000 paid down on her marriage. Then follows a list of her suitors, and after an episode which has nothing to do with the matter in hand, the tract winds up: "I should have spoken something of her residing in or about _London_, as of her being in _Black Friers_, or _Covent Garden_, but I can say little: onely abundance of people doe resort to each place to enquire the truth: some have protested they have seene her, by the helpe of their acquaintance and give this reason why she will not as yet be Constantly in one place, because the multitude is so great that doe resort thither that they dare not be knowne of her abiding, lest by denying the sight of her, they that own the house should have it pulled down about their eares. Her portion is very large, it being 40,000 pounds; she likewise goeth very gallant in aparrell, and very courteous in her kind to all. And whoever shall in Pamphlet, or Ballad, write or sing otherwise than is discoursed of in this small Tract, they erre from truth: for what is here discovered, is according to the best and most approved Intelligence."

[Footnote 31: Some time between 25th June and 29th September 1881.]

[Footnote 32: A wonderful lithographic facsimile by Francis Compton Price, Esq., is in the British Museum, 12205. h., catalogued under the heading _Skinker_.]

[Footnote 33: Francis Grove published between 1620 and 1655.]

The Long-Nos'd LASS

or

The _Taylors_, _Millers_, _Tinkers_, _Tanners_, and _Glovers_; with a great number of other Tradesmen, dash't out of Countenance by a SOW-SHIPS Beauty, to their great discontent, and her perpetual trouble.

Tune of _The Country Farmer_.

This may be printed R. P.

O did you not hear of a Rumor of late, [22.] Concerning a person whose Fortune was great; Her portion was Seventeen thousand good pound, But yet a good Husband was not to be found: The reason of this I will tell to you now, Her visage was perfectly just like a Sow, And many to Court her came flocking each day, But seeing her, straight they run frighted away.

Amongst all the rest, a fine _Taylor_ also, Resolv'd to this person a Suitor to go; Quoth he, at the present, alas I am poor, Of Silver and Gold I shall then have good store: Tis _Cowcomber_[F. 34] time, and I now have no Trade, But if I do get her, I then shall be made, Therefore I will put on the best of my Cloaths, My Hat, with my Band, and my _Holyday_ Hose.

The hopes of this Fortune his fancy did feed, And therefore to her he did hasten with speed, When coming, he straight for this person did ask, She came her own self in a fine Visor, Mask; And said, I am she, Sir, pray what would you have? I'm come, quoth the _Taylor_, your Love for to crave; She open'd the door, and bid him welcome in, And then to his Courting he straight did begin.

The _Taylor_ went on with a noble good grace, Like one of much Courage his Love to Embrace; Thought he, with a Fortune I now shall be blest, But, listen, I pray, to the Cream of the Jest: She pull'd off her Vizor, and turn'd her about, And straightway the _Taylor_ beheld her long Snout; Ah! how he was frighted and run out of door, And vow'd he would never come near her no more.

The next was a Miller who to her did Ride, Resolved he was for to make her his Bride; Quoth he, as I now am a right honest Man, I'le Wed her and Love her as well as I can; For Beauty, O let it be now as it will, As long as she brings me good Grist to the Mill; Both Silver and Gold I shall have at Command, With which I will Purchase me Houses and Land.

I now in conceit am as great as a Lord, What pleasures soever the World can afford, I'le have it, and likewise in Silver will shine, Then _Gillian_ will wonder to see me so fine: To _Robin_ my Servant, I'le give my great Bowl, With which I was formerly us'd to take Toll, And likewise the Mill, if I marry this Maid, For never no more will I follow the Trade.

As he was a riding to her on his Mare, He thus was a building Castles in the air; But when he beheld her most amiable Face, Alas! he was soon in a sorrowful Case; His hopes were confounded, away he did run, Saying, should I have her, a thousand to one. But I shall be frighted, when her I behold, Therefore I'le not have her for Silver or Gold.

Both _Tinkers_ and _Tanners_ and _Glovers_ also Came to her, the Money encouraged them so; Nay, thousands came to her then every day, Each striving to carry this Beauty away: But when they beheld this most ordinary stuff, The sight of her Visage did give them enuff; Yet if she be Marry'd while here she does live, A perfect account of the Wedding I'le give.

Printed for _P. Brooksby_[F. 35] at the _Golden Ball_ in _Pye Corner_.

[Footnote 34: _i.e._ People had their summer clothes, and business was slack until the autumn.]

[Footnote 35: He published from 1672 to 1695.]

[17.] Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head so white? _Cause_, says he, _my head is twenty years older than my beard_.

[4.] A Tinker coming through _Cornhill_, and sounding briskly on his kettle, _Have you any Work for a Tinker?_ A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly replyed, _Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain_.

_A Dialogue concerning Hair, between a Man and a Woman._

M.

Ask me no more why I do wear [13.] My Hair so far below my ear:[F. 36] For the first Man that e're was made Did never know the Barbers Trade.

W.

Ask me no more where all the day The foolish Owl doth make her stay: Tis in your Locks; for tak't from me, She thinks your hair an Ivy tree.

M.

Tell me no more that length of hair Can make my visage look less fair; For how so'er my hair doth fit, I'm sure that yours comes short of it.[F. 37]

W.

Tell me no more men wear long hair To chase away the Colder air; For by experience we may see Long hair will but a back friend be.

M.

Tell me no more that long hair can Argue deboistness[F. 38] in a man; For 'tis Religious being inclin'd To save the Temples from the wind.

W.

Ask me no more why Roarers wear Their hair extant below their ear; For having morgag'd all their Land, They'd fain oblige the appearing Band.

M.

Ask me no more why hair may be The expression of Gentility: 'Tis that which being largely grown Derives its Gentry from the Crown.

W.

Ask me no more why grass being grown, With greedy Sickle is cut down, Till short and sweet; So ends my Song, Lest that long hair should grow too long.

[Footnote 36: Prynne was especially exercised in his mind about this fashion, and wrote a book called "The Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes, or a Summarie discourse, proving the wearing and nourishing of a locke or love locke to be altogether unseemly and unlawfull unto Christians" (1628), and also "A Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646).]

[Footnote 37: An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over the forehead then worn by ladies.]

[Footnote 38: Debauchedness.]

Some did ask Tom Gold [12.] What's Latin for Cold; Why truly, says he, my Friends, I know it full well, And I feel I can tell, For I hav't at my fingers ends.

[18.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before _Luther_. _In the Bible_, says he, _where yours never was_.

[8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying, _One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristoll, _and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you_ at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide the rest with all expedition.

MARK NOBLE'S FROLLICK;

who being

Stopp'd by the Constable near to the Tower, was examin'd where he had been; whither he was going; and his Name and Place where he dwelt: to which he answered, Where the Constable would have been glad to have been, and where he was going he dared not go for his Ears, as likewise his Name, which he called _Twenty Shillings_; with an Account of what followed and how he came off.

To the Tune of _The New Rant_.

Licensed according to order.

One night at a very late hour [23.] a Watchmaker home did repair; When coming along by the Tower, was stopp'd by the Constable there.

Friend, come before Mr Constable, to see what his Worship will say, You'd have me do more than I'm able, I fear I shall fall by the way.

Sir, tell me, and do not deceive me, where have you been playing your part? Kind Mr Constable, believe me, where you'd have been with al your heart.

Sweet Bacchus in Bumpers were flowing, which Liquor all mortal Men chears, And now, after all, I am going, where you dare not come for your Ears.

Your Words they are sawcy and evil, this may be a Charge to your Purse; For why? you are something uncivil, to answer a Constable thus.

Oh, where do you dwell with a whennion?[F. 39] cross Humours we will not allow, Sir, out of the King's own Dominion, pray, what can you say to me now?

Pray what is your name you cross Villain; be sure that you answer me true; Why, Sir, It is just _Twenty Shilling_, I think I have satisfied you.

What Trade are you, Brewer or Baker? or do you a Waterman ply? No, Sir, I'm an honest Watch-maker, my Trade I will never deny.

Have you e'er a Watch you can show, Sir? we'll see how it sutes with our Clocks; Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir. I wish you were all in the Stocks.

You Sawcy impertinent Fellow, because you have answered me so, Although your mad Brains they be mellow, this Night to a Prison you go.

Therefore without any more dodging, the Lanthorns was lighted streightway; They guarded him to his strong Lodging, to lye there while Nine the next day.

Next Morning the Constable brought him. before a Justice to appear, And earnestly then he besought him, a Sorrowfull Story to hear.

Of all the Transactions he told him, to which the good Justice reply'd, From Liberty he would withold him, till the Naked Truth should be try'd.

The Tradesman returned this Answer, the Truth I will never deny; If I may speak without Offence, Sir, I scorn to be catch'd in a Lye.

I said nothing which was unfitting, as solemnly here I profess; The King, he is King of Great Britain and I live in Britain the less.[F. 40]

The next thing that causes the Trouble, my Name he would have me to show, The which is right honest _Mark Noble_,[F. 41] and that's Twenty Shillings you know.

Then asking me where I was going, and I being void of all Fears, Right readily made him this Answer, where he dare not go for his Ears.

I rambl'd all day, yet the Centre, at night was to lye by my Wife, Instead of his Ears, should he venture, i' faith it might cost him his Life.

Now when he had given this Relation, of all that had past in the night, It yielded most pleasant Diversion, the Justice he laughed outright.

It seems that a Glass of Canary, conducted the Gallant along: I find that he's nothing but merry, intending no manner of wrong.

Therefore I will free him from Prison without any Charges or Fees, It being no more than right reason, you watch not for such men as these.

Printed for _B. Deacon_ at _the Angel_ in _Giltspur Street_.

[Footnote 39: "Wanion," with a vengeance, with a plague.]

[Footnote 40: Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street.]

[Footnote 41: A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble 6s. 8d.]

[17.] A Gentleman ask'd a Shepherd, whether that River was to be passed over or not: Yes, says he, but going to try, flounc'd over head and ears. Why thou Rogue, says he, did you not tell me it might be past over? Truly, Sir, says he, I thought so, _for my Geese go over and back again every day_.

One did ask why B [12.] Was set before C, And did much desire to know; Why, a man must be, Before he can see, And I think I have hit on't now.

_Against Swearing._

In elder times an ancient custome was [6.] To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse. But when the Masse went downe (as old men note) They sware then by the Crosse of this same grote.[F. 42] But when the Crosse was likewise held in scorne, Then by their faith, the common oth was sworne. Last, having sworne away all faith and troth, Only God damn them is the common oth. Thus custome kept decorum by gradation, That losing Masse, Crosse, Faith, they find damnation.

[Footnote 42: Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last bearing a cross on the reverse. James I. coined none.]

_One fighting with his wife._

_Meg_ and her husband _Tom_, not long agoe, [24.] Were at it close, exchanging blow for blow. Both being eager, both of a stout heart, Endured many a bang ere they would part. _Peter_ lookt on & would not stint the strife, He's curst (quoth he) that parteth man and wife.

=The Welch Mans Inventory.=

Han Infentory of the Couds of _William Morgan_, ap_ Renald_, ap _Hugh_, ap _Richard_, ap _Thomas_, ap _Evan_, ap _Rice_, in the County of _Clamorgan_, Shentleman.

_Imprimis._ In the _Pantry of Poultry_ (for hur own eating) One creat Pig four Week old, one Coose, one Cock Gelding, two Black puddings, three Cow-foots.

_Item._ In the _Pantry of Plate_, one Grid-iron, one Fripan, one Tripan, three Wooden Ladle, three Cann.

_Item._ In the _Napery_, two Towel, two Table Cloath, four Napkin, one for hurself, one for hur Wife _Shone_, two for Cusen _Shon_ ap _Powell_ and _Thomas_ ap _Hugh_, when was come to hur House.

_Item._ In the _Wardrope_, one Irish Rugg, one Frize Sherkin, one Sheepskin Tublet,[F. 43] Two Irish Stocking, two Shooe, six leather Points.

_Item._ In the _Tary_,[F. 44] one Toasting Shees, three oaten Cake, three Pint of Cow Milk, one pound of Cow Butter.

_Item_ in the _Kitchen_, one Pan with white Curd, two White pot, two Red Herring, nine Sprat.

_Item._ In the _Cellar_, one Firkin of Wiggan, two Gallon sower Sider, one Pint of Perry, one little Pottle of _Carmarden_ Sack, _alias_ Metheglin.

_Item._ In the _Armory of Weapon_, to kill her Enemy, One Pack Sword, two edge, two Welsh-hook, three long Club one Cunn, one Mouse trap.

_Item._ In the _Carden_, One Ped Carlike, nine Onion, twelve Leek, twelve Worm, twelve Frog.

_Item._ In the _Leas-way_. Two Tun Cow, one Mountain Calf.

_Item._ In the _Common-field_, Two Welch Nag, twelve long leg'd Sheep, fourteen and twenty Coat.