Part 29

At which words a grave man of the towne being much moved, said, My friend, you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the Queene's _Ape_, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I muse who bad that saucy fellow come into our Company, I pray thee, my friend, depart; I thinke you long to have us all hanged. So in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no company for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter? Marry (said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the mans hat that hee is the Queenes man, and who knowes what power a knave may have in the Court, to doe poore men wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the _Ape_, it is but two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well taken, and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde people that would shew so much duty to her _Ape_, what may shee thinke wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither? besides, it is above 200 miles to _London_, and if wee should bee complained on and fetched up with Pursinants,[F. 249] whereas now every man may escape for his two pence, Ile warrant it would cost us ten groats a peece at the least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole drove of the townsmen, with wives and children, went to see the _Ape_, who was sitting on a table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master Mayor (because it was the Queenes _Ape_) put off his hat, and made a leg, but _Jacke_ let him passe unregarded. But mistris Mayoresse comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding, made a low curtsie, whilest Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) respected not the man, yet to expresse his courtesie to his wife, hee put forth his paw towardes her, and made a mouth, which the woman perceiving, said, Husband, I doe think in my Conscience that the Queenes _Ape_ doth mock mee: whereat Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor espying, was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou _Ape_, I doe see thy saucinesse, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than thou hast then they have all bin better fed than taught: and I will make thee know before thou goest from hence, that this woman is my wife, an ancient woman, and a midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for age.

In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where _Jack an Apes_ tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said, Sir, doe you allow your _Ape_ to abuse my Wife? No sir, quoth the other, not by any meanes; truly, said the Mayor, there is witnesse enough within that have seene him make mops and mowes at her, as if shee were not worthy to wipe his shooes, and I will not so put it up. _Jack's_ tutor replyed, Sir, I will presently give him condigne punishment; and straight hee tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his _Ape_ by the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made his teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes:[F. 250] Which master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his hands, saying, enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentleman, let mee intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; and I pray you and your _Ape_ after the Play is done, to come to my house and sup with mee and my wife.

[Footnote 248: Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival or mournival. The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A _Mournival_ is either all the aces, the four kings, queens or knaves, and a _gleck_ is three of any of the aforesaid."]

[Footnote 249: Pursuivants]

[Footnote 250: A jack was usually made of pear tree, and rested on the back end of the key lever. It had a movable tongue of holly working in a centre and kept in its place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill projects at right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed, the jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the string, which it twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills.]

[17.] King James keeping his Court at _Theobalds_,[F. 251] in a time of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were set at several places to hinder the concourse of people from flocking thither, without some necessary occasion: Amongst others, one Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a Serving man) was examined what Lord he belonged unto? To which he readily replyed, _To the Lord Jehovah_: which words being beyond the Constables understanding, he asked his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord? They replyed No--: However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, said, Well, let him pass, notwithstanding; _I believe it is some Scottish Lord or other_.

[Footnote 251: Is in the parish of Cheshunt, co. Hertford. Was originally the seat of Lord Burleigh, whom Elizabeth frequently visited. It was used as a hunting lodge by James I., and Charles I. often resided there. William III. gave it to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765 the remains of the old palace were pulled down, and the new mansion is now the seat of Sir Henry Meux, Bart.]

[26.] A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings Head Tavern, came Reeling out up _Chancery Lane_, and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was tired; whereupon, leaning on the Rail he askt one that passed by, where he was; he told him over against the _Chancery_. I thought so (says he) and thats the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place.

[94.] A Welchman that had one of his own Countrey men waiting upon him, went to see a Comedy, and drawing out a Purse of gold and silver at the door, was espied by a Cut purse and dog'd, who seated himself close by him, his servant having all this while a careful eye towards his Master, and jealous of the Cut purse, so that whilest his Master was minding his sport, the Cheater got all his gold and silver out of his pocket, and was about to be gone. The little Welchman's blood rising at it, presently drew out his knife, and cut off his ear, which made the fellow startle, and troubled with the smart thereof, ask't what he meant by it? To whom the Welchman replied, shewing him his ear in his hand, No great harm friend, onely give hur Master hur purse, and I will give hur hur ear.

[105.] _Scogin_ waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised him to make his Testament, and to shew where he would lye after hee was dead: Friends, said _Scogin_, when I came into this World, I brought nothing with me, and when I shall depart out of this world, I shall take nothing away but a sheet; take you the sheet, and let mee have the beginning againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of Westminster, under one of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good drinke all the dayes of my life, and there was he buried.

When the extreame pangs of death came upon _Scogin_, the holy Candle was put in his hand to blesse himselfe. When _Scogin_ had done so, in surrendring thankes to God, hee said, Now the proverbe is fulfilled, that he that worst may shall hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is thrust to the wall.

_On the syllable_ Con.

[17.] Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, wheels converse, Lawyers contend, and Nurses can tend too, Foxes consent, Minors condescend, Women conceive, Apple mongers consider, Millstones contrive, Prisoners congeal, Rope makers concord, Scriveners condition, Faggotters combine, Jaylors confine, Sick men consume, Drums convene, and Scolds can vex, Commanders conduct, great Officers controul, Ducks can dive, Mourners condole, Clouds condense, great Schollars convince, Parishioners Congregate, Country Shoemakers contribute, viz Countrey boot, Gamesters are concise which does not much Conduce to their winning, grave Counsellors conceal, Cardinals conclave, School boys construe, Countrey fellows conjoble,[F. 252] Judges condemn, Friars confess, Jesuites confute, and Friends conferr together. Politicians consult, Blind men connive, and Cutlers connive too. Proud men contemn, Disputants contest together, Landlords confirm, and their Tenants can farm any thing they let out; Bells convoke, that is call Vokes together, Smiths contaminate, defile, that is do file, and I, like an Epilogue _conclude_.

FINIS.

[Footnote 252: From _con_, together, and _jobbernol_, head. To concert, to settle, to discuss.]

APPENDIX.

BIBLIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE

TO THE SOURCES

WHENCE THIS BOOK WAS COMPILED.

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[2.] Additional MSS. 12,049. Epigrams &c of Sir John Harington, Knight.

[3.] E. 1617. Wit and Drollery, Jovial Poems. Never before Printed. By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.[F. 254] And other admirable Wits--London. Printed for Nath Brook[F. 255] at the Angel in Cornhill. 18 Jan. 1656 (? 1655 O.S.). Catalogued under P.(J.)

[4.] 12,316, a. 20. England's Jests Refin'd and Improv'd, being a Choice Collection of the Merriest Jests, Smartest Repartees, Wittiest Sayings, and most Notable Bulls, yet extant; with many New ones, never before Printed &c. 3^{rd} Edition _London_. Printed for _John Harris_, at the _Harrow_ in the _Poultry_. 1693. Catalogued H. C. (Humphrey Crouch).

[5.] 11,601, b.b. 23. Witts Recreations. Selected from the finest Fancies of Moderne Muses. With a Thousand out-Landish Proverbs. London. Printed for Humph. Blunden, at y^e Castle in Cornhill. 1640. Catalogued Wit.

[6.] 239, i. 25. Epigrams both Pleasant and Serious, _written by that All-Worthy Knight_, Sir Iohn Harrington, and never before Printed. London. Imprinted for _John Budge_,[F. 256] and are to be sold at his shoppe at the south dore of _Pauls_, and at _Britaines Burse_[F. 257] 1615.

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[8.] Grenville, 10,381. Witty Apothegms delivered at Several Times and upon Several Occasions by King James, King Charls, The Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor. London. Printed for W. R. for _Matthew Smelt_ and are to be sold at his Shop next to the _Castle_ near _Moorgate_ 1669.

[9.] Grenville, 10,374. Choice Chance and Change or Conceites in their Colours. Imprinted at London for _Nathaniell Fosbrooke_, and are to be sold at his shop in Pauls Churchyard at the signe of the Helmet, 1606.

[10.] (C. 20, f. 8)/554 Roxburghe Ballads.

[11.] (C. 20, f. 7)/158 Roxburghe Ballads.

[12.] 11,626, a. a. 36. Westminster Quibbles in verse: Being a MOCK to the _Crab_ of the _Wood_, and to that Tune: or, a Miscellany of _Quibling_, _Catches_, _Joques_ and Merriments. London. Printed for _William Cademan_,[F. 258] at the Popes Head in the Lower Walk of the _New Exchange_. 1672.

[13.] Westminster Drollery, the Second Part, being a Compleat Collection of all the Newest and Choicest Songs and Poems at Court, and both the Theaters. By the _Author_ of the First Part, never Printed before. London. Printed for _William Gilbert_ at the Half Moon in _S^t Pauls_ Church-yard, & _Tho. Sawbridge_ at the three _Flower de Luces_ in _Little Britain_ 1672. (11,621, a. 45.)

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[16.] The most Elegant and Wittie Epigrams of Sir John Harington Knight. Digested into foure Bookes.--London. Printed by George Miller 1633. ((638, k. 17)/2)

[17.] C. 40, b. 11. Oxford Jests Refined and Enlarged; being a Collection of Witty Jests, Merry Tales, & Pleasant Joques. Collected by Captain W. H.[F. 259] Native of Oxford. London. Printed for Simon Miller, at the Star at the West End of S^t Paul's. 1684. Catalogued Hickes (W.)

[18.] Delight & Pastime or Pleasant Diversion for both sexes consisting of Good History &c &c--London. Printed for _J Sprint_ at the _Bell_, and _G. Conyers_ at the _Gold Ring_, in _Little Britain_, over against the _Sugar Loaf_. 1697. Price 1/. Catalogued M.(G.)

[19.] (C. 20, f. 8)/226 Roxburghe Ballads.

[20.] (C. 20, f. 8)/227 Roxburghe Ballads.

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[22.] (C. 20, f. 8)/279 Roxburghe Ballads.

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[24.] C. 40, a. 1. Wit Restor'd in severall select Poems not formerly publish't. London. Printed for _R. Pollard_, _N. Brooks_ and _T. Dring_,[F. 260] and are to be sold at the Old _Exchange_, and in _Fleet Street_. 1658. Catalogued Wit.

[25.] 1078, e. 2. Norfolk Drollery, Or a Compleat Collection of the Newest Songs, Jovial Poems, and Catches &c--By the Author, M. _Stevenson_. _London._ Printed for _R. Reynolds_,[F. 261] at the _Sun_ and _Bible_, and _John Lutton_ at the _Blue Anchor_ in the _Poultry_. 1673. Catalogued Stevenson.

[26.] Coffee House Jests Refined and Enlarged. By the Author of the Oxford Jests. The Fourth Edition, with Large Additions. London. Printed for _Hen. Rhodes_, next door to the _Swan Tavern_, near _Bride Lane_ in _Fleet Street_. 1686. Catalogued Coffee House Jests. 12,316, a. 15.

[27.] (816, m. 9)/31

[28.] (C. 20, f. 9)/74 Roxburghe Ballads.

[29.] (C. 20, f. 7)/42 Roxburghe Ballads.

[30.] (C. 20, f. 8)/51 Roxburghe Ballads.

[31.] (C. 20, f. 7)/340 Roxburghe Ballads.

[32.] C. 40, a. 6. The Booke of Merry Riddles, together with proper Questions, and witty Proverbs, to make pleasant pastime. No lesse usefull than behoovefull for any young man or child, to know if he be quick witted, or no. London. Printed for _John Stafford_,[F. 262] and _W.G_, and are to be sold at the _George_ near _Fleetbridg_. 1660.

[33.] (669, f. 10)/99 Single Sheets.

[34.] (669, f. 10)/106 Single Sheets.

[35.] (C. 20, f. 8)/112 The Roxburghe Ballads.

[36.] (E. 246)/23 A Dialogue or Rather a Parley betweene Prince _Ruperts_ Dogge, whose name is PUDDLE and _Tobies_ Dog whose name is PEPPER &c. Whereunto is added the Challeng which Prince _Griffins_ Dogg called _Towzer_ hath sent to Prince _Ruperts_ Dogg Puddle, in the behalf of honest Pepper Tobies Dog. Moreover the said Prince _Griffin_ is newly gone to Oxford to lay the Wager, and to make up the MATCH. Printed at London for I. Smith 1643.

[37.] (E. 99)/14 The Bloody Prince, or a declaration of the most cruell Practices of Prince Rupert, and the rest of the Cavaliers in fighting against God, and the true Members of His Church. By I. W. London. Printed 1643. Catalogued W. (I.)

[38.] 12,613 c. The History of the Blind Begger of Bednal Green.

[39.] (E. 92)/13 The Parliaments unspotted Bitch: in answer to Prince Roberts Dog called _Boy_, And his Malignant She Monkey. London. Printed for R. Jackson 1643.[F. 263] Catalogued England.

[40.] (E. 96)/16 The Welsh Embassadour, Or the happy Newes his Worship hath brought to London, &c--Printed for _I. Underwood_ 1643.[F. 263]

[41.] 11,609, c. 6. The Works of Mr John Cleveland &c--London. Printed by _R Holt_ for _Obadiah Blagrave_ at the _Bear_ and _Star_, over against the little North Door in S^t _Paul's_ Church yard 1687.

[42.] (669, f. 11)/81 The Braggadocia Souldier: and the Civill Citizen. Printed for J. L. 1647.

[43.] (E. 3)/17 A Dogs Elegy, or Ruperts Tears[F. 264] for the late Defeat given him at _Marston moore_, neer _York_, by the Three Renowned Generalls _Alexander Earl of_ Leven, _Generall of the Scottish Forces_, Fardinando _Lord_ Fairefax, _and the Earle of_ Manchester Generalls of the English Forces in the North. Where his beloved Dog named BOY, was killed by a Valliant Souldier, who had skill in _Necromancy_. _Likewise the strange breed of this Shagg'd_ Cavalier, _whelp'd of a Malignant_ Water-witch; with all his tricks and feats.

Sad Caveliers, _Rupert_ invites you all That doe survive, to his Dogs Funerall. Close mourners are the Witch, Pope, & devill, That much lament yo'r late befallen evill.

Printed at _London_ for _G. B._ July 27. 1644.

[44.] (E. 3)/11 The Kingdomes Weekly Intelligencer. Catalogued P. P. London.

[45.] (E. 3)/13 A CONTINUATION of Certain Speciall and Remarkable passages informed to the PARLIAMENT, and otherwise from divers parts of this Kingdome, from Wednesday the 10^{th} of _Iuly_, till Wednesday the 17. of _Iuly_. 1644. Catalogued P. P. London. Special and Remarkable Passages.

[46.] (E. 2)/24 Ruperts Sumpter, and Private Cabinet rifled. And a Discovery of his _Jewels_ By way of Dialogue between Mercurius _Britannicus_ and Mercurius _Aulicus_. London.

Printed by J. Coe[F. 265] A.D. 1644. Catalogued Rupert.

[47.] (E. 4)/4 The Catholike's Petition to Prince _Rupert_ showing The ground of their Griefe, The force of their Constancie, and their hopes of Recovery. With a Draught of a _Proclamation_ presented to his Highnesse, for the more speedy Recruiting his Army, destroying the Protestants, and gaining a Crowne.

Prince looke about thee, here is much adoe, 'Tis time to looke, and lay about thee too; Send obstinate offenders to their graves. That neither will be Catholikes nor slaves.

Printed according to Order for G. B.[F. 266] August 1. 1644. Catalogued Catholics.

[48.] (E. 2)/1 A Continuation of true Intelligence from the _English_ and _Scottish_ Forces, in the North, for the service of King and Parliament, and now beleaguering York, from the 16^{th} of June to Wednesday the 10^{th} of _July_. 1644. Wherein is given a full and particular Accompt of the Battaile with Prince Rupert, and the Marquesse New Castle together with the successe thereof. By Sim. Ash. Chaplaine to the Earle of _Manchester_, and one of the Ministers of the Assembly. London. Printed for _Thomas Underhill_, at the Bible in Woodstreet. 1644.

[49.] (E. 90)/25 An exact description of Prince _Rupert's_ Malignant She-Monkey, a great Delinquent: Having approved herselfe a better servant, than his white Dog called _Boy_. Laid open in three particulars: 1. What she is in her owne shape. 2. What she doth figuratively signifie. 3. Her malignant tricks and qualities. Printed for _E. Johnson_. 1642 (a misprint for 1643). Catalogued Ruperts.

[50.] (E. 93)/9 The Humerous Tricks and Conceits of Prince _Roberts_ Malignant She-Monkey, discovered to the world before her marriage. Also the manner of her marriage to a Cavaleer, and how within three dayes space, she called him Cuckold to his face. London, printed for T. Cornish. (There is no date, but it must have been in the same year as [49.]) Catalogued Rupert. Prince.

[51.] C. 39, e. 58. Doctor Merry-man: or Nothing but Mirth. Written by S. R. London Printed for _Samuell Rand_, and are to be sold at his Shoppe neere Holborne bridge. 1616. Catalogued R. (S.)

[52.] C. 40, c. 33. Pasquil's Jests with the Merriments of Mother Bunch. Wittie pleasant, and delightfull. London. Printed by I. F. and are to be sold by _William Gilbertson_[F. 267] at the signe of the Bible in Giltspur-street. (1650?)

[53.] (C. 20, f. 8)/254 Roxburghe Ballads.

[54.] 2044, g. Bartholomew Fayre: A Comedie, Acted in the Yeare 1614 By the Lady Elizabeths Servants, And then dedicated to King IAMES, of _most Blessed Memorie_. By the Author, Beniamin Johnson. London. Printed by I. B. for Robert Allot, and are to be sold at the signe of the _Beare_, in _Pauls_ Church-yard. 1631.

[55.] (C. 20, f. 7)/214 Roxburghe Ballads.

[56.] (C. 20, f. 7)/325. Roxburghe Ballads.

[57.] (C. 20, f. 7)/254. Roxburghe Ballads.

[58] (669, f. 10)/105 Single Sheets. 1646.

[59.] Harl. MSS. 5947/166

[60.] (C. 20, f. 10)/76 Roxburghe Ballads.

[61.] 12,315, a. 11. Mirth in abundance. Set forth and made manifest in many Jests, upon severall occasions, full of Wit and Truth. Contriv'd to relieve the Melancholy, and rejoyce the Merry, to expell sorrow, and advance Jollity. All of them New and Noble, free from Rayling, Baudery, Blasphemy or Incivility. Collected and set together by a lover of lawfull Mirth and true hearted Society. London. Printed for _Francis Grove_, neere the Saracens Head on Snow Hill. 1659.

[62.] Harl. MSS. 5947/167

[63.] (C. 20, f. 7)/384 Roxburghe Ballads.

[64.] (E. 1351)/2 The Astrologer's Bugg-beare: Being a briefe Description of many Pitthy Passages, which were brought to passe upon that day which the Astrologers pointed out for Black-Monday: Whereby wee may all see and know that God's power is beyond man's expectation. Mark well and take notice, it is worth your observation. Written by L. P. London. Printed for _Sicnarf Seloc_, in the Yeare of the downfall of darke Astrology, and are to be sold in Country and City, by honest, harmlesse people, that love _England_ and its Friends. Catalogued P.(L.)

[65.] 644. b. 56. The Alchemist written by Ben Ionson.

----Neque, me ut miretur turba, laboro: Contentus paucis lectoribus.

London printed by _Thomas Snodham_[F. 268] for _Walter Burre_,[F. 269] and are sold by _John Stepneth_ at the West End of Paules. 1612.

[66.] (C. 20, f. 8)/78 Roxburghe Ballads.

[67.] Ad. MSS. 15,227. Sir John Harringtons Epigrams.

[68.] (C. 20, f. 9)/212 Roxburghe Ballads.

[69.] E. 1351/5 No-Body his Complaint. Dialogue between Master No-Body, and Doctour Some-Body. A delightfull Discourse, by George Baron

No-Body _Why do'st thou father all thy Lies On me? heaping Indignities On one that never injur'd thee?_

Some-Body _My Words and Acts hurt_ No-Body.

No-Body. Som-Body _hath belied me much_, No-Body _sure hath cause to grutch_.

London. Printed by B. Alsop,[F. 270] dwelling near the Upper-Pomp in Grub Street. 1652.

[70.] 2044, g. Ionson's Works. Vol. I. Epigrammes. I. Booke. The Author B. I.[F. 271] London. 1616.[F. 272]

[71.] (C. 20, f. 9)/88 Roxburghe Ballads.

[72.] Grenville, 16,427. Ar't asleepe Husband? A Boulster Lecture. Stored With all variety of Witty jeasts, merry Tales, and other pleasant passages; Extracted from the choicest flowers of Philosophy, Poesy, antient and moderne History. Illustrated with Examples of incomparable constancy, in the excellent History of _Philocles_ and _Doriclea_. By _Philogenes Panedonius_. London, Printed by R. Bishop, for Richard Best, and are to be sold at his shop neare Graies-Inne-gate in Holeborne. 1646.

[73.] (C. 39, k. vol. 2)/171 Bagford Ballads.

[74.] (E. 1640)/3 Here's Jack in a Box, that will Coniure the Fox, or a new List of the new Fashions now used in _London_.

Come who buyes Jack in a Box, That will Cunjure the Fox, And move them to delight: It may serve as I may say, For to passe the time away, In the long Winter nights, To sit by a good fire, When the Season doth require, Your Body to keepe warme: This Booke of merriment Will yield you sweet content, And doe you no harme.

This new merry Booke was newly Invented, But never before this time Imprinted.

Written by _Laurence Price_ in the moneth of October. 1656.--London, Printed for _Tho. Vere_[F. 273] at the _Angel_ without _Newgate_.

[75.] Grenville, 11,163. The Wits, or Sport upon Sport. Being a curious Collection of several Drols and Farces, Presented and Shewn For the Merriment and Delight of Wise Men, and the Ignorant. As they have been sundry times Acted in Publique, and Private, In London at Bartholomew, In the Countrey at other Faires. In Halls and Taverns. On several Mountebancks Stages, at Charing Cross, Lincolns Inn Fields, and other places. By Several Stroleing Players, Fools, and Fidlers, and the Mountebancks Zainies with Loud Laughter, and great Applause. Written I know not when, by several Persons, I know not who, But now newly Collected by your Old Friend to please you.

Francis Kirkman.[F. 274] London, 1672.

[76.] (C. 20, f. 7)/343 Roxburghe Ballads.