Part 27

A trifling Toy, a Jest of no account, pardie. The Knight, perhaps, you think for to bee I: Think on so still; for why, you know that thought is free, Sit still a while, I'le send the Actors to ye.

Which being said, after some fire workes that hee had made of purpose, threw out among them, and downe stayres goes he, gets to his Horse, and so with fortie shillings to London; leaves the Players to answer it; who when the Jest was knowne, their innocence excused them, beeing as well gulled as the Maior and the Audience.

[Footnote 237: A list or catalogue.]

[82.] There was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower Wharfe at _London_, where a Countryman passing by, most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded how old shee was. One made answer that she was a yeare old. Good Lord blesse me, said the Countryman, is shee so big growne in one yeere, what a greatnesse will shee bee by the time she comes to my age?

[82.] Twelve Schollers riding together, one of them said, my masters, let us ride faster. Why? quoth another, methinks wee ride a good pace, I'le warrant it is foure mile an hour. Alas, said the first, what is foure mile an houre amongst us all?

[17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems did not bring home to his Shrewish Wife so much money as she expected; with that she flew about his ears, and did so jole him! Good wife, says he, be quiet, for I would willingly wear my bands without cuffs, if you please.

[105.] On a night _Scogin_ and his chamber-fellow, and two or three of the Bishops servants being merrily disposed, consult how they might have good cheere and pay no money, and every one invented a way as they thought best. At last _Scogin_ said, I have invented a cleanly shift. At the signe of the Crowne against Peter's Church, is a new Tapster, which ere this hath not seene any of us, and he is also purblind, so that if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us. Therefore wee will goe thither and make good cheere, and when we have a reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all; then will I say to avoid the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and we wil run round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first, let him pay for all, and so we may escape away. Every man liked _Scogin's_ device best, so in conclusion they came thither, and had good cheere, for they spared no cost: so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten Shillings. Then as _Scogin_ had devised afore, they did. The Tapster was blinded, so they ran round about him, and first _Scogin_ got out, and then another, so that at last they got all away, and left the tapster groping in every place about the house for him that should pay the shot. The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping that they made, came in to see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his armes, saying, Sir, you must pay the reckoning. Marry, said his Master, so I thinke I must indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for _Scogin_ and the rest, but they could neither find them, nor heare newes of them.

[94.] Hangmen practice their cunning for the most part upon good natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive, before the hurt be attempted.

[4.] A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his Son play roguish Tricks, Why, Sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a Boy, as you are?

[4.] A Precise Fellow hearing much swearing in a Bowling Green, said, For Shame Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great mercy the Bowling Green doth not fall on your Heads.

=Nick and Froth;=

or

The Good-fellows Complaint for want of full Measure.

Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tapsters, Ale Drapers; and all the rest of the Society of Drunkard Makers, by filling their drink in false Flaggons, Pimping Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and short Quarterns, To the Grand Abuse of the Society of Good Fellowship.

_Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching; Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching._

Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.

All you y^t are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall, [124.] And Tapsters wherever you be, Be sure you be ready to come at my call, And your Knavery here you shall see.

A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd, To Challenge you out if you dare, A very sharp Tryal you're like to find, Although it be at your own Bar.

Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide, But times are so wondrous hard, That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd, Of our Measure we have been debar'd.

But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves) And lay you open to view, It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves) And tell you no more than is true.

If in a cold Morning we chance to come, And bid a Good Morrow, my Host, And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots Yet scarce will afford us a Toast.

For those y^t drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here, Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have, Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part, And y^t makes my Hostis go brave.

But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use, Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief, For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose, Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.

Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on, We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth, Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink, Far worser than _North_ Country Cloth.

When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys, The tickling Cans they run round, Pray tak't in good part, for a _Winchester_ Quart[F. 238] Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound.

Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs, Are ready whene're you do call, A P-- take his Trade, such Measure that's made, I wish that old Nick had them all.

When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel, And call for some _Nance_[F. 239] of the best, Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot, For now they are all in request.

Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty, But still they are all for the Pinch; Thus, every day they drive Custom away, And force us good-Fellows to flinch,

Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay, Though seldom he did it before; With _Marlborough_ Cholke you his patience provoke, Whenever he clears off his score.

The women likewise which are not precise, But will take a Cup of the best, Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure Or else you shall have little rest.

There's _Billings-gate_ Nan, all her whole gang, Complaining for want of their due; True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar, For they'l drink till their Noses look blew.

A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast, Of things that are out of their reach; So long as a Groat remains in the Coat, They over good Liquor will preach.

In _Shoo Makers Row_ there's true hearts you know, But give them their Measure and weight, They'l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur, And Tope it from Morning till Night.

Then there's honest _Smug_ y^t with a full jug Will set all his Brains in a float; But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots, Will scarce quench y^t spark in his Throat.

With many such Blades, of several Trades, Which freely their Money will spend; But fill them good drink, they value not chink Wherever they meet with a friend.

Most Trades in y^e Nation gives their approbation, How that you are much for to blame; Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses, And fill up your Measure for shame.

FINIS.

[Footnote 238: A Winchester quart holds nearly half a gallon.]

[Footnote 239: Nantz brandy.]

_A Preachment on Malt._

[26.] Certain Townsmen of _Prisal_, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words, called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be MALT. The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.

There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, _viz_ M. A. L. T. These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.

The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To the Text.

An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant; The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.

The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T. Thrift.

The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, _viz_ M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L. Lamentation. T. Trouble.

I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All; and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment.

By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were between Hawk and Buzzard,[F. 240] nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.

[Footnote 240: In a _doubtful_ condition.]

[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.

[110.] Maister _Hobson_ being still very good to poore and most bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister _Hobson_ having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister _Hobson_ had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever he got, so this at last was Maister _Hobsons_ guift, who gave commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans were but easie, but Master _Hobsons_ mans were very sound ones, so that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish his masters bounty.

[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the _Moon_, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack; whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a little admiring,[F. 241] as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them, _The Man in the Moon drinks Claret_.[F. 242] The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved to be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon.

[Footnote 241: Wondering.]

[Footnote 242: There was a roystering drinking song with that title, which is not very scarce; there is one in the Roxburghe Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.

"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret, With powder-beef, turnep, and carret; If he doth so, why should not you Drink until the sky looks blew?" ]

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) once had invited halfe a score of his friends to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no cheere wanting, wine enough, musicke playing: the night growing on, & being upon departure, they call for a reckoning. _George_ swears there is not a penny for them to pay. They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes would yeeld unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne shillings, some five, some more: protesting something they will pay. Well, quoth _George_, taking up all the money; seeing you will be so wilfull you shall see what shall follow: he commands the musicke to play, and while they were skipping and dancing, _George_ gets his Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hypocrist, and leaves them and the reckoning to pay. They wondring at the stay of _George_, meant to be gone: but they were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to pay the reckoning anew.

[26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set up an Ale house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did discredit himself so much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and Ale? He told him the chief reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a stranger; for Beer and Ale are my Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger: but the Gentleman told him he did not well, for he must make much of any Stranger that comes within his gates: So will I that, says he, when I get it within my gates agen; I'll make more of it than I did; nay much more, because I would not break the Command.

[105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French Lords, and hee gave unto _Peter Achadus_ (_Scogins_ chamber fellow) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Plover, Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such other: and because _Scogins_ chamber fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would have bought in a bill, and desired _Scogin_ to bestow the money, who was well contented. When _Scogin_ had this money, he imagined in his mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in _Paris_, and said, sir, it is so that my Master the Abbot of _Spilding_ doth feast a great many of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the Bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money, then on the morrow _Scogin_ did come to the Poulter, and asked if everything were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, and here is your bill reasonably prized. Then said _Scogin_, let somebody goe with me for to receive your money: the Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. _Scogin_ went to _St. Peter's_ Church, where there was a Priest that had on his Albe, and was ready to goe to Masse: _Scogin_ went to the Priest, and said, Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought her to you, to the intent you should perswade her. The Priest said he would doe what he could. I thanke you, said _Scogin_. Then _Scogin_ came to the woman, and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear what he doth say. Then _Scogin_ came to the Priest, and said Master, here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse is done? Yea, said the Priest. Then said _Scogin_ to the woman, you heare what my master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token, whereby I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then _Scogin_ did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber: when masse was done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that I were gone: Wherefore? said the Priest. The woman said, for wares that your man hath received. What man? said the Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The Priest said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be your head. What, master Abbot, said the woman, you shal not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you promised to pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, nor I promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I would perswade you to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest went his way. The woman perceiving that shee was deceived, went home to see if _Scogin_ had received the ware, and he had received them, and was gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not find him.

[17.] A Citizen having married a Cockney, and he taking her with him into the Country, to see his Friends, as they were riding spyed a Willow tree on which abundance of Wants or Moles were hung: O dear, says she, Husband, look what a fine Tree here is; I never knew how they grew till now; for it is a Black Pudding tree.

[82.] A man was very angry with his maid, because his eggs were boyled too hard; truly, said she, I have made them boyle a long houre, but the next you have, shall boyle two houres but they shall be tender enough.

[26.] A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the Street, and seeing all a Bed, and no Candle in any Window neither; then bethought himself of this project; for then he went up and down crying Fire, Fire, which made several come to the Windows: They askt him where? where? He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he would go to't to warm himself; For, says he, I am devilish cold.

The Country-mans new care away.

To the Tune of, _Love will find out the way_.

If there were imployments [125.] for men, as have beene, And Drummes, Pikes and Muskets in th' field to be seene, And every worthy Souldier had truely their pay, Then might they be bolder to sing, Care away.

If there were no Rooking, but plaine dealing used, If honest Religion were no wayes abused, If pride in the Country did not beare sway, The Poore and the Gentry might sing, Care away.

If Farmers consider'd the dearenesse of graine, How honest poore Tradesmen their charge should maintaine, And would bate the price on't to sing, Care away We should not be nice on't of what we did pay.

If poore Tenants, Landlords would not racke their rents, Which oft is the cause of their great discontents, If, againe, good house-keeping in th' Land did beare sway, The poore that sits weeping might sing, Care away.

If Spendthrifts were carefull and would leave their follies, Ebriety hating Cards, Dice, Bowling-Alleyes, Or with wantons to dally by night or by day, Their wives might be merry, and sing, Care away.

If Children to Parents would dutifull be, If Servants with Masters would deale faithfully, If Gallants poore Tradesmen would honestly pay, Then might they have Comfort to sing, Care away.

There is no contentment to a conscience that's cleare, That man is most wretched a bad mind doth beare, To wrong his poore Neighbour by night or by day, He wants the true comfort to sing, Care away.

But he that is ready by goodnesse to labour, In what he is able to helpe his poore Neighbour, The Lord will ever blesse him by night and by day, All ioyes shall possesse him to sing, Care away.

Would wives with their husbands, and husbands with wives In love and true friendship would so lead their lives, As best might be pleasing to God night and day, Then they with hearts easing might sing, Care away.

No crosse can be greater unto a good mind, Than a man to be matched with a woman unkind, Whose tongue is never quiet but scolds night and day, That man wants the comfort to sing, Care away.

A Vertuous woman a husband that hath, That's given unto lewdnesse, to envy and wrath, Who after wicked women does hunt for his prey, That woman wants comfort to sing, Care away.

Like true subiects loyall, to God let us pray, Our good king so Royall, to preserve night and day: With the Queen, Prince and Nobles, the Lord blesse them aye, Then may we have comfort to sing, Care away.

[82.] There was a lusty young Scholler preferred to a Benefice in the Country, and commonly on Sundayes and holy dayes after evening prayer hee would have a dozen bouts at cudgels with the sturdiest youths in his parish: The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it, sent for the parson, telling him this beseemed not his profession and gravity, and if that he did not desist from that unmeet kind of exercise, hee would unbenefice him. Good my Lord, (said the Parson) I beseech you to conceive rightly of mee, and I doubt not but my playing at cudgels will be counted tollerable; for I doe it of purpose to edifie the ruder sort of my people. How so, said the Bishop. Marry, my Lord, (quoth the Parson) whatsoever I do teach them at morning and evening prayer, I doe beat soundly into their heads with cudgels afterward, for their better remembrance.

[94.] He that buys a Horse in _Smithfield_, and does not look upon him with a pair of Spectacles, before he buys him, makes his Horse and himself a pair of sorrowful Spectacles for others to look at.

[110.] Upon a time Maister _Hobson_ lying in saint Albones, there came certaine musitions to play at his chamber doore, to the intent as they filled his eares with their musicke, he should fil their purses with mony: whereupon he bad one of the servants of the Inne (that waited upon him) to goe and tell them that hee could not then indure to heare their musicke for he mourned for the death of his mother, so the musitians disapoynted of their purpose went sadly all away. The fellow heard him speake of mourning, asked him how long agoe it is since he buried his mother; truely (quoth maister _Hobson_) it is now very neare forty yeares agoe. The fellow understanding his subtilty, and how wittily he sent away the musitians, laughed very hartely.

[52.] On a Winters evening a Country husband man went to fetch his wives kine home to milk, and driving them into the back side, hee forgot to shut the gate, and hee comes into the house, sits him down by the fire side. The kine finding the gate open, ranne trotting and lowing downe the durty lane, toward the field, and the mans daughter looking forth at the doore and seeing them, cries out to her mother, Faith my father is a fine man, I think the kine are gone to the devill, shall I goe after them? No (quoth her mother) daughter, you are too forward: Let your father goe, he's fitter, he has his hie shoone on.

_A Song._