Part 25

[82.] A Fellow having more drinke than wit, in a winter evening made a foolish vowe, to take the wall of as many as hee met betwixt the Temple bar, and Charing Crosse; and comming neere the Savoy, where stood a Poste, a little distance from the wall, the Drunkard tooke it for a man, and would have the wall, beginning to quarrell and give the Poste foule words: at which a man came by, and asked the matter, and whom he spake to: hee answered hee would have the wall of that fellow that stood so stiffly there: my friend, said the other, that is a Poste, you must give him the way. Is it so, said the fellow, a pox upon him, why did he not blow his horn?

[26.] Two Baboons being to be seen at their first coming to _London_, abundance of Citizens and others did resort thither to take a view of them, and did heartily laugh at their ugliness, and the strange faces which they made; which a most motherly and very discreet woman being present, did sharply thus rebuke 'em. "D'ye think you do well to laugh at strangers, who understand not your Language, and if you were in their Country, you'd take it for a great abuse, I warrant you, if they should laugh at you."

[4.] King _James_ Riding a Hunting in Essex, comes to a Gate which he must go through, and seeing a Country Clown at it, he says to him, Prethee, good Fellow, open the gate. But he, knowing who it was, answered, No, a'nt please your Grace, I am not worthy to be in that Office; but I'le run and fetch M^r _Johnson_, who is a Justice of the Peace, and lives a Mile off, and he shall open it for your Grace: so he ran away as fast as he could, and left the King to open it himself.

THE FRENCH DANCING-MASTER

AND THE

ENGLISH SOLDIER.

Or, the Difference betwixt Fidling and Fighting

Displayed in a DIALOGUE betwixt an ENGLISHMAN

and a FRENCHMAN.

_Englishman._

_Monsieur_, good morn, whither away so faste? [115.] Some great importance sure doth cause this haste; Your running looks do in effect thus say, _Monsieur_ is gone, 'cause Landlord asketh pay.

_Frenchman._

_Begar_ me no sush man, me scorn de shift Me plus Affaires dat me from home do lift.

_Englishman._

You scorn to shift, tis true I think you say, Witness your _Shirt_, not washt this many a day.

_Frenchman._

_Par me foy_ de Rascall to degrase, _Ne autre_ man in de _varle_ live in such case; _Begar_ though me no speak si bon English, Me thrush Tord in de belly if de speak dis; _Begar_ me de born Gentil-man de _France_ Me can learn English _a le mode_ de Dance: Me play ode leetle Fidle, me can sing, _Par ma foy_, no Poet _Orphus_ sush Musick bring; _Begar_, you no sush man in all de _England_ have, For de Fidle, and de Dancing brave.

_Englishman._

But when you come to meet your Foe in face The Fidler and the Fidler's out of case.

_Frenchman._

_Begar_ de art _Jack-napes_ to a teetle, Me be brave Fellow, me can feight a leetle; Me wear _Feader_ in de Hat, me have _Tord_ by side, Me be de Gentil-man when me on de _Horse_ ride; _Englishman_ be a Clown, make Leg like a de Beare, _Frenchman_ be de Gentil-man, he fidle, and he dance rare.

_Englishman._

'Tis true, in dancing you do us excel, But can you, as the English, fight as well? When _Mars_ unsheaths his Sword, and Canons roar, And men lye welt'ring in their purple gore, When Towns are burnt, and Cities are destroy'd, To what use will your Dancing be employ'd?

_Frenchman._

_Begar_ he de great Fool to speak sush ting, Brava, brava, de Dance, de Fidele, Sing; No sush ting in de varle, to peepe, to dance, To be dreass like de Madam, _a le Mode France_.

_Englishman._

Brave Monsieur! gallant Monsieur! wondrous rare! Fidling and fooling, none with thee compare!

_Frenchman._

_Begar_, he be de Rogue, de Villain, de Carle, To speak 'gainst de Dance, de brave ting in de varle; _Begar_ me do love it out of all de Cry, _Par ma foy_ he speak 'gainst it, tell loud lye: _France-man_ is de Gentilman in de high Sphere, Vat is de Clown vas dis skip de Angleterre De French Monsieur skip and leap like de Spright, He caper and kick, is not dat a rare Shite?

_Englishman._

A rare Shite 'tis indeed, I needs must say, To see men skip like Puppets in a Play; To act the Mimick, fidle, prate and Dance, And cringe like Apes, is a le mode France: But to be resolute, one to fight with ten, And beat them, 's proper unto English men.

_Frenchman._

_Begar_ France man is couragio, feight like te Tiffell, He kill, he slay, cutt men off de midle; De brave Monsieurs, de _Oliver_, de _Rowland_, _Begar_ de feight as long as de could stand; _Amadis de Gaule_, de _Roy Charlemain_, De make blood run down like drops of de rain, _Begar_, with new fashion so exc'lent! so rare! No men in de varle wid de French make compare.

_Englishman._

But _Monsieur_, have you never heard report Of Poictiers, Crescy, and of Agen-court? When _France_ was drown'd with streams of Frenchmen's blood, And English Valor could not be withstood? Sixth HENRY in _Paris_ Crown'd in State, And _France_ (submissive) did on _England_ wait. When only TALBOT'S Name did bear such sway, To make Ten thousand French men run away? Is not _France_, and the Nation still the same, Whom _England_ did in all Encounters tame? Have we not Hero's still who are endu'd With Valor, (Stars of the first Magnitude?) YORKS Duke, Brave ALBEMARLE, equal to those Our Ancestors, who French men did oppose? With other Worthies of deserved Fame, Make Frenchmen tremble for to hear their Name.

_Frenchman._

_Begar_ dis true, de English-man speak right, _France_ leave to Dance, and now de learn to Fight. _Adieu Monsieur._

LONDON, Printed in the Year 1666.

[103.] A Nobleman often hunting, used to be always near his Huntsman, who was an excellent old Servant, and one of whom he priz'd, and was often familiar with; but at coming to a Hedge or Ditch, he wou'd call him, _Jack_ do you leap first. Not I by G--, my Lord, (reply's he) do you go first and break your Neck, if you please, I value mine a little more.

[82.] A Countrey woman at an Assize was to take her oath against a party; the said party entreated the Judge that her oath might not bee taken; the Judge demanded why he excepted against her: my Lord (quoth hee) shee is a Recusant or Romane Catholique, and they hold it in no matter of Conscience to swear any thing against us. Come hither, woman, said the Judge, I doe not thinke thou art a Recusant, I am perswaded that for fourty shillings thou wilt sweare the Pope is a knave: Good, my Lord, said shee, the Pope is a stranger to mee, but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship, I would sweare for half the mony.

[116.] The following satire is given merely as a type:

From Commonwealth Coblers, and zealous State Tinkers, From Speeches and Expedients of Politick Blinkers, From Rebellious Taps, and Tapsters, and Skinkers. Libera nos.

From Elephant Baptists, and their doughty free State, From looking in _Newgate_ through Reformation Grate, And from their last sayings and Hempen-ruff Fate. Libera nos.

From Papists on one hand, and Phanatick o' th' t'other, From Presbyter _Jack_, the Popes younger brother, And Congregational Daughters far worse than their Mother. Libera nos.

From Religions that teach men to kill and to slay, From faith that is coupled with the word Disobey, And from Sectaries e'er having of another day. Libera nos.

From Members that constantly quarrel with the Head, And subjects that for Sterling, pay their Sovereign with Lead, And preserve Kings and Governments by wishing them dead. Libera nos.

From over short Parliaments, and over long, From a selling our Birth rights for an old song, And breaking _Mag. Charta_ to make it more strong. Libera nos.

From taking away Juries by Parliament Votes, And securing from Popery by cutting of throats, From a Beam in our Eye, to cure them of Motes. Libera nos.

From "Vox"es, and factious saucy Addresses, To repeal those good Laws of honest Qu. _Bess'es_ From Fanaticks rage, and the Popes God bless us. Libera nos.

From a Bill that to take away Ale and Cake voices, Robs all the old Freeholders, at Elections, of Choices, And enables Fanaticks to make greater Noises. Libera nos.

From the wisdom of _Bedlam_, and the anger of Fools, From the whipping and learning of meeting house Schools And the Exit of Traytors, and Commonwealth Tools. Libera nos.

Of the following satire only a portion is given, as the pamphlet (of ten pages) is too long to give _in extenso_:--

[117.] Received out of the Treasuries of the Excize, Customs and the Exchequer £430,000.

Disbursed as followeth

The ACCOMPT.

L. S. D

_Imprimis._ For three and twenty long Cloaks, at Seven Pounds Ten Shillings, per Cloak, to cover the Committee[F. 226] of Safety's Knavery. 243. --. --

_Item._ For Six Dozen of large fine Holland Handkerchiefs, with great French Buttons, for the Lord _Fleetwood_, to wipe away the Teares from his Excellencies Cheeks, at Twenty Shillings per Handkerchief. 72. --. --

_Item_ Paid his young Daughters Musick-Master, and Dancing Master, for fifteen Moneths Arrears, due at the Interruption of Parliament 59. 5. --

_Item_ For four rich Mantles for his Lady, two lac'd and two embroidered, and a brave New Gown, made to congratulate her Husband's new Honor. 270. --. --

_Item_ Bestowed by her Order, upon the Journey men Taylors, and given to him that brought home and tryed on the said Gown, seven pieces in gold. 7. 14. --

_Item_ For an innumerable company of Pectoral Rolls and Lozenges, to dry up his Excellencies Rheum, at two pence a piece 30. 2. 2

_Item_ For two Rolls of Spanish Tobacco for Colonel _Sydenham_, at twenty shillings per pound, according to the Protectors rate, and five black Pots to warm Ale in, at twelve pence a piece, together with ten Groce of glaz'd Pipes, at nine shillings the groce. 45. 13. 4.

_Item_ For two gilt Horn bookes for his great son, at two shillings, sixpence a piece 5. --

_Item_ laid out for seven rich new Gowns, bespoke at _Paris_ for the Lady _Lambert_, to be worn seven several dayes one after another, at her Husbands coming to the Crowne, every Gown valued at Sixty pound, one with the other 480. --. --

_Item_ for Pins and Gloves for the said Lady 83. 9. --

_Item_ for vamping Colonel _Clarks_ Riding boots, and for new Spur Leathers 10. --. --

&c &c &c &c--

[Footnote 226: A committee of 23, which was inaugurated on 26th October 1659 to take upon themselves the exercise of the Government, till another form of Government should be agreed upon, which they declared should never be in single hands again, as a Chief Magistrate, a King, or even the House of Lords.]

Parody was almost unknown, but the following will serve as an example:--

Song.

I must confess, upon a day, [118.] When all my thoughts were Westward ha, Near _Hampton Court_ I saw a Face, The Throne of Modesty and Grace; In whose each motion might be seen _Hadassa_ and the Southern Queen; Her Smiles were arguments to prove The _Ph[oe]nix_, and the God of Love. From these the Pencil learnt those Draughts Of _Titan's_ Beams, and _Cupid's_ Shafts. Bless me, said I, since I must die, My Heart a Sacrifice shall lie, Burnt with the Lustre of her eye.

The Mock.

And I, being lately Eastward bound, To take a merry Countrey Round, There I beheld a Thing call'd Woman, Save him that hath her, Match for no man! In whose behaviour you may spell, What _Job's_ Wife was, and _Jezabel_. Her looks make good the doubtful story Of _Acharon_ and Purgatory. From these the Painter had advice To limn the Toad and Cockatrice. This made me cry, since Friends must part, E're this vile wretch shall have my heart, I'le suffer. Drive away the Cart.

[105.] There was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head, & that did ake very sore, she went to Master _Scogin_ for remedy. Come with me, mother, said _Scogin_, & you shall be healed by & by. He then got a packthreed, and went to the Smiths forge with the woman, and he said to the Smith, I pray you, heate me a Coulter in your Forge. I will, said the Smith. Then he went to the old woman, and said, Mother, let me see your tooth, and she did so: he took his packthreed and bound it fast about the tooth, & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore, whereat the Smith used to tie his horses & mares, and when the Coulter was glowing hot, _Scogin_ tooke the Coulter and ran with it against the old woman, saying; Why dost thou stand here like an old mare? I will run thee through with this hot Coulter. The woman being afraid, gave a braid[F. 227] with her head, and ran her way, & left her tooth behind her. _Scogin_ ran after the woman, and she cryed out for helpe (for she was afraid that _Scogin_ would have burnt her.) The Smith ran after _Scogin_ for his Coulter, for he was afraid that _Scogin_ would run away with it.

[Footnote 227: A start, a toss of the head.]

[94.] One perswaded a Scholar that was much given to rambling, and going abroad, to sell or put away his Cushion, and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study.

[26.] A Scholar in _Oxford_ was often sent to by a Citizen for Money, which he pretended was due to him, and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself, and modestly said to him in private: Sir, There's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so, says the Scholar, I pray where is it? we'll divide it if you please. Sir, says he, I have taken your word for it hitherto. Truly, says he, so you are like to do till you are paid.

[4.] A young lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning: I, says the Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it.

[110.] Maister _Hobson_ on a time in company of one of his neighbors, roade from London towards Sturbridge faire, so the first night of there jorny they lodged at _Ware_ in an Inne where great store of Company was, and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride, and some were on horsbacke setting forward, the Cittizen, his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate, booted and spurd, in a browne studdy, to whome hee saide, for shame, Maister _Hobson_, why sitte you heare, why doe you not make your selfe redy to horsebacke, that we may set forward with company? Maister Hobson replyed in this manner, I tarry (quoth he) for a good cause. For what cause? quoth his neighbour. Mary, quoth Maister _Hobson_, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell which is mine owne, and I know well, when every man is ridden and gone, the horse that remaneth behind, must needs be mine.

[17.] A Puritan coming to a Cheese mongers to buy Cheese, when he gave him a tast, he put his hat before his eyes, to say Grace; Nay, says he, I see instead of tasting my Cheese, you intend to make a meal of it.

The BEGGARS

CHORUS

IN THE JOVIAL CREW.

To an excellent New Tune.[F. 228]

There was a jovial Beggar, [119.] he had a wooden Leg, Lame from his Cradle, and forced for to Beg; _And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go, And a Begging we will go._

A Bag for my Oatmeal, another for my Salt, A little pair of Crutches, to see how I can halt; _And a Begging, &c_

A Bag for my Bread, another for my Cheese, A little Dog to follow me, to gather what I leese. _And a Begging &c_

A Bag for my Wheat, another for my Rye, A little Bottle by my side, to drink when I'm a dry. _And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go, And a Begging we will go._

To _Pimlico_ we'll go, where merry we shall be, With ev'ry Man, a Can in's hand, and a Wench upon his knee. _And a Begging &c_

Seven years I served my old Master Wild, Seven years I begged whilst I was but a Child _And a begging &c_

I had the pretty knack for to wheedle and to cry, By young and by old much pitied e'er was I. _And a begging &c_

Fatherless and Motherless still was my Complaint, And none that ever saw me but took me for a Saint. _And a begging &c_

I begg'd for my Master, and got him store of Pelf, But _Jove_ now be praised, I now beg for myself. _And a begging &c_

Within a hollow Tree I live, and pay no Rent, Providence provides for me, and I am well content. _And a begging &c_

Of all occupations a Beggar lives the best, For when he is a weary, he'll lie him down and rest. _And a begging &c_

I fear no Plots against me, but live in open Cell; Why who woud be a King when a Beggar lives so well? _And a begging &c._

_Printed for_ R. Brooksby _at the_ Golden Ball _in_ Pye-Corner.

[Footnote 228: For tune, see Appendix.]

[67.] A Company went to an Inne without money, when ye reckoning was to be pay'd, one called his hostesse, asking her what it was: she said two shillings. Then he askt her what one should pay for bloodshed: she answered ten groats. Then, said he, cut my finger and give me y^e rest[F. 229] againe.

[Footnote 229: _i.e._ give me the change.]

[52.] One _Dromo_, a certaine Tiler, sitting upon a ridge of a House, laying on certaine roofe tiles, looking backe, and reaching somewhat too far for a little morter, that lay by him, fell backward and by good hap, fell upon a man that was sitting under the house, whom with his fall he bruised to death, but thereby saved his owne life. Not many dayes after, a sonne of the dead mans, caused this man to be apprehended for murther, and, having him before the Judge, cried unto the Judge for justice: who asking the prisoner what hee could say for himselfe, received this answer. Truly, Sir, I never thought the man any hurt, neither did I thinke to fall: but since it was my hap to hit upon him to save my life, if it please your Lordship, I am contented that he shall have justice; for my selfe, I had no malice to his father, though I see he hath a great deale to me: but let him doe his worst, I care not, I aske no favour: let him go up to the top of the house where I sate, and I will sit where his father sate; let him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can, and fall upon mee to save his life, I will bee contented. The Judge seeing the mans innocency, and how farre he was from intent of any evill to the man whom he had slaine, willed the complainant to take this course for his contentment: which he refusing, was dismissed the Court, and the Prisoner thus by his wity answer released.

[110.] There was a certaine farmer that lost forty pounds betwixt _Cambridge_ and _London_, and being so great a summe, he made proclamation in all market Townes there abouts, that whosoever had found forty and five pounds, should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it, and therefore he put in the five pound more than was lost. It was Maister _Hobsons_ fortune to find the same sum of forty pounds, and brought the same to the baylive of _Ware_ & required the five pounds for his paines, as it was proclaymed. When the country farmer understood this, and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding, he sayd that there was in the purse five and forty pounds, and so would hee have his owne mony and five pounds over. So long they strove, that the matter was brought before a Justice of the Peace, which was one Maister _Fleetwood_, who after was Recorder of London; but when Maister _Fleetwood_ understood by the bayleife that the proclamation was made for a purse of five and forty pound, he demanded where it was. Here, quoth the baylie, and gave it him. Is it just forty pound? said Maister _Fleetwood_. Yes truly, (quoth the bayleife) Here maister _Hobson_, sayd Ma. _Fleetwood_, take you this mony for it is your owne, and if you chance to find a purse of five and forty pound, bring it to this honest farmer. That is mine, quoth the farmer, for I lost just forty pound. You speake too late (quoth Maister _Fleetwood_). Thus the farmer lost the mony, and maister _Hobson_ had it according to justice.

[67.] Mr. French the King's Fisher, beeing a Widower, married a young woman, and shortly died, on whom one made this distich.

By fish hee liv'd, by fish hee thriv'd, He touched y^e flesh, and so hee died.

[103.] An Alderman of _Norwich_, having a Maid servant Married from his House, went two or three Years after to see her, and ask'd (amongst other things) how many Children she had? Truly Sir, says she, none. O Lord, replys he, what should be the reason of that? I don't know, says the Woman. Alas! adds the Old Fellow, now I remember me, your Mother had none.